Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories


#633

@Cheye - The Art of Broken Hearts

  • My first question has got to be about what MC is wearing during customisation? Lol

  • It’s cute that you have a little Monday splash that matches the theme of your cover.

  • Is it mean if I say Lila looks like the joker?

  • Small typo during the narration right before the choice: “Do i usually sing in school bathrooms?” - The ‘i’ should have a capital letter.

  • The transiton to a dream felt a bit random… Maybe have MC look tired as if she’s about to fall asleep first so it doesn’t seem random when she wakes up? Because I thought she was day dreaming.

  • I think the length was a bit on the short side. I don’t think enough of the plot was revealed in the first episode alone (And also, DON’T apologise for it being your first story on episode at the end of it either. Just don’t. There’s nothing to be sorry for.)

  • I love that with your outfit choices, you always have the same four “styles” but they’re always a bit different.

  • What is up with these questions? I feel bad for Drew because she has to answer them lol

  • Ok, so the somewhere in dream land part felt less random this time. It actually made me laugh when I saw that it was Drew in this dream.

  • After she picks her outfit, MC changes back into a different outfit that I hadn’t chose for her to wear that morning.

  • Woah, Lila’s costume looks great with that change of hair. I don’t know her too much, but I feel like it really suits her personality.

  • You know… For someone who planned the party, Julia isn’t very dressed up haha

  • Back at the party scene, two of your background characters are at the wrong layers. Pirate girl is smaller, but she’s been placed in from of superhero chick.

  • Hahaha, I’m actually loving the recurring dreamland scenes now. They’re a great thing to use as a staple in your story.

  • She really can’t sleep in her own bed though, can she?

  • Just a small thing, but the overlay doesn’t completely cover the cashier’s legs so we can see them at the bottom of the screen.

  • Hahaha, I knew it would be Rose in the dream this time.

So even though I found the episodes pretty short, I did quite like it. I didn’t think I would because it sounded like a sad story from the title but (so far) it’s just been kind of fun, and lighthearted. Your splashes really stand out to me because they’re all matchy matchy. I’d just say to get rid of the author notes at the end of each chapter though, because you have nothing to be sorry for!


#634

Awe thanks!!! I really appreciate your input!!! I’m glad it wasn’t a total bummer haha :heart: But really, thanks, You’re awesome!:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


#635

Also, was it in chapter 3 that the outfit thing happens? So I can go back and see what’s wrong there.


#636

Aw, you’re welcome :kissing_heart: I’m pretty sure it was in episode 3, when they’re at the shops picking out their Halloween outfits


#637

Thanks!! And thanks again for taking the time to read/ write out a review!! It means a lot!


#638

You’re welcome! :blush:


#639

@viviwhite - CYBER

I don’t want to start off by telling you I have high expectations or anything, but I was keen to start this one because it was actually already on my list before you requested, it sounds really unique… and also in the couple of weeks it’s taken me to get up to this, I’ve seen people speak really highly of this, so yeah… I’m pretty keen.

  • Yes! Futuristic setting, woop woop. I will never tire of seeing how other people envision the future.

  • I noticed when CCing that you’ve opted out of included any unnatural colours (like hair dye or lipstick colours) and I think that’s really smart in terms of characterization because like you say in your description “you are a gamer with no life” so it sorta makes me feel like a plain Jane - but in a good way.

  • The helmet is a nice looking “futuristic” headset.

  • Like that for Silver you limited the hair colour to “silver” tones. In case you were wondering, I changes eye colour and eyebrow colour to silver and also picked an ash skin tone.

  • Whaaat? Those light sabers look so cool.

  • Hahaha, the way MC introduces Luna as her best friend in the game reminds me of how I think of my forum friends. Lol

  • I’m not sure how I feel about Leon… I love the name, hate the hair, love his face, hate the fact that he’s singing… On that note, it felt a little weird to me that there was a concert happening within the game initially, but then the more I thought about it, it didn’t really seem so out of place, but makes me worried that these people are literally living inside this game. I wonder how much time has passed.

  • Idk what pose HOST is doing when he prepares for his huge announcement but I feel like I’ve never seen it before and I really like it.

  • Episode one was like a nicely done ontro to basically set the plot. I really liked the use of text effects at the end too.

  • It’s nice that you call your episodes “games”. Very on theme.

  • The phone drop was on point and the camera shake was a nice touch.

  • So the fight was a dream?

  • I found the changing of outfits was a little slow moving for my taste. That’s not really a big deal since there were only two choices, but if there was more, I’d probably have just picked the first one I try on because I’m not bothered to wait for zooms ahaha

  • I love that your car interior is an overlay and that you’ve actually put it in font of a looping background. Te car interior kind of looks futuristic too.

  • Ah, so the dream was a memory…

  • Ooh, Adrian. I’m guessing he’s either a rival love interest for people who don’t like Leon’s hair (me) or he is Leon…

  • I’m just now noticing that nearly every background is a custom one so far.

  • The “twicth” channel was a neat idea. I like the overlay too, makes it more realistic.

  • Your reader messages explaining the jargon you’re using makes me laugh. It’s nice you offer a quick definition so your readers who don’t know already can be brought up to speed.

  • The silhouette black shade looks kinda weird when the character’s also wearing clothes haha.

  • I don’t think I actually commented on this yet, but I was thinking it… With your intro, the small flicker that makes it look like it’s glitching looks awesome.

  • For someone who is trying to hide their excitement, Adrien just looks kind of… I don’t know what the right word would be… Um, idle, I guess… Maybe add another animation to make it look like he’s actually struggling to contain his excitement? A hold_in_pee animation would be great… Sucks it doesn’t exist :frowning:

  • Wait, how does he know she’s in a predicament?

  • I find that blue spinning TV screen soooooooooo soothing. Like I could stare at it all day, it’s just relaxing to watch.

  • When Luna, Leon and Silver are in that lounge area and Luna suggests Leon join forces with Silver, she says “He’s the in top 30!” You need to swap “in” and “the” around.

  • The day to night transition was EVERYTHING!

  • I liked how you were introducing the other players. I even had my sound up and found it was timed perfectly to match the overlays.

  • “We’ll eventually have to kick every last one of them’s butt to win anyway” - consider rewording this to flow better. Maybe “every last one of their butts to win” ?

  • Side note: If this were in real life it would really piss me off thay they automatically progress just because she’s in the top 10. So unfair.

  • Xenon = Xander = guy on the other end of Adrien’s call = somethinggg, I just don’t know exactly what yet.

  • Oh wait. Is Knight Adrien? But who is Leon…?

Well, I was right to have high expectations, I actually feel a little bad because I didn’t really write down many notes - but that was just because I was enjoying it and also didn’t pick up on many errors. I think it’s a great original idea and I look forward to reading more. There really wasn’t much I could fault… In fact, there is only one thing that I can say might need improvement, and that would be that I felt there was a lack of diversity. Everytime a new “main” character was introduced, they were white. The only POC I saw were as backgrounds characters in the game. I would like to believe that in the future, where your story is set, that we had come much further in terms of equality, so it would be nice to see other races and cultures included a bit more. Other than that, I think you’ve produced a fantastic story.


#640

Thank you so much for your review.

  • Adrien guessed she was in a some kind of predicament because she was acting like it, ha ha. The reason why he was idle when nervous is that I think the animations available are too dramatic for a guy like him.

  • The MC is actually Asian, not white, but I do understand your point of view about diversity. Most of the introduced characters were Hispanic/Asian as well, not white. :sweat_smile: I also already pictured what most of my characters would look like, so I’m hesitant to change them now.

  • I will definitely fix the grammar mistakes.

Again, thank you for your kind words about my story and for taking the time to do this :blush:


#641

You’re welcome! :slightly_smiling_face:

Just quickly on the MC being Asian… Whilst I noticed when she was first introduced that she did look Asian, the fact that I could customize her did sort of take that away, because the reader can change her to look any way they want. But I get that you have a vision for you characters. Maybe you do need to mention somewhere though the setting of your story? (I’m guessing now that it’s a country in Asia? Sorry if you already mentioned it at the beginning and I missed that detail) just to explain that a bit more because, unfortunately, even though Limelight has been expanding their features which allow you to represent different races a lot better, it’s still hard to know that most of the characters were actually Hispanic and Asian just from face value… Especially considering a lot of your characters are avatars in the game, so it’s almost like they have customized themselves, if that makes sense.


#642

I thought the tan/brown-ish skin kind of tells the fact that they were Hispanic :sweat_smile: I didn’t wanna mention where the MC is at because I don’t wanna get too real-world specific (if you get what I mean). All the readers should know is that she’s living in a futuristic city with people from many races & cultures, I guess in real life this would be the US. I know the CC kind of takes away the fact that the MC is Asian, but then again, I want people to have freedom customizing their characters, and the point of that is to be, well, inclusive. I hope this explains it better :slight_smile:


#643

Sorry, no haha :sweat_smile: I only thought Scarlet might have been maybe Hispanic because of a few words she said, but then I actually doubted myself because I felt like since she was in the game that it might not have been her true self (like how when I CC on episode, I don’t always make it look like myself). But the tan skin alone would not have told me that. But yeah, that’s a valid reason for not mentioning location, so I get you on that