Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

You’re welcome

I’d love to know your thoughts on my story!
Here are the details:

Title- Untouchable
Author - Lady Bird
Episodes- 5 [ONGOING]
Description - A compromise. A mysterious murder. A network of lies. Forced to leave her country to study at a prestigious US university, Priya’s life is about to change. Not for the better.
Choices Matter. LOTSSSS!
Instagram- @birdy.writes
Cover:

2 Likes

Hi!

I would love to hear your thoughts on my story. Any and all feedback is welcome! :slight_smile:

Here is the info:

Title: Dark Essence
Description: When the darkness inside threatens to break free & destroy everything you hold dear… Will you seek comfort in the ones you love or allow your Dark Essence to take over? (Lim CC)
Episodes: 3
Genre: Fantasy
Style: Limelight
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6025752143069184

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Thank you! :slight_smile:

1 Like

@Abimations4 - Love On The Run

  • So I can see what you’re trying to do with your intro and it would look amazing, except that all your overlays seem to have a bit of a glitch. I’m not sure what you’ve got in your script, but try replacing all “@” with “&” to make sure your overlays don’t have that split second delay.

  • Ooh, ok. So bad gal MC and good cop LI? I like the sounds of that.

  • Why are they all not wearing shoes? lol :sweat_smile:

  • Well… Usually men and women don’t get put into jail together. Is there a reason you’ve merged them?

  • the morse code was a cool idea, but I feel like it should have been mentioned earlier in passing…? Otherwise it just feels like it was only included for the convenience.

  • Naw, all your extras at the police station where default looking :frowning:

  • It’s feeling like it’s moving very quickly already. I’m interested in the premise and I love the idea, but it’s just too fast paced so I’m not getting a chance to learn about the characters. I would have also like to see more of the planning side of the escape, just out of pure interest, lol.

  • Ah, I failed the keys

  • There was a moment where Zoey just walked up from the ground in the cabin and I think she was supposed to be entering from the side? Not sure what happened there.

  • Jaxon says he’ll be dead before his mum died. I understand what you mean, but I think since parents generally die before their kids anyway, you might want to change this line to something else hahaha

  • After Jaxon’s bath when he walks into his room, the room pops in for a sec and then there’s the transition. Check your script to make sure there’s nothing intercepting your transition command.

  • Not sure all the outfit options are quite appropriate for people who have escaped jail, but they are cute anyway hahaha

  • There was a couple of layer issues when Jaxon is doing his interviews after the break in.

  • Also noticed your background characters always have their display names. It’s not a big deal, but if they’re not important, I just delete the whole display name altogether haha

  • You probably shouldn’t broadcast that you’ve done no research lmao :sweat_smile:

  • Another layering thing when Jaxon enters the pub. He walks over that lamp post

  • I like this disguise idea. I think I can see where this is going haha

  • Bahahaha, I knew it lol! I think this was a great set up for your first three episodes btw, like you got all your important bases covered so now the plot can actually move forward after your pilot episodes.

  • MC keeps kissing for a moment after Jaxon stops :sweat_smile:

  • Is it meant to look like Cassie’s lying on Jaxon’s lap? Or is that a layering issue?

  • Nice segway to their backstories, I love that you did a B&W theme too.

  • Wait, Jaxon agreed to one date? Oh dear

  • In your recap, you included the choice, so the reader could still pick the other option if they wanted to.

  • I am unsure what this date is all about but I’m guessing it will be revealed later

  • Uncle Ben enters the scene at the wrong layer

  • The same for Matt. He’s standing behind the whole group

  • In Jaxon’s flashback, he’s doing the kiss animation at the bar

  • When MC had climbed the side of the house, you had two fade transitions before the next scene.

  • I liked the choice to take the journal :smiling_imp:

  • Huh, so I guess if I went right first I wouldn’t have got that journal… Interesting…

  • Ohhh it’s all coming together now hahahaha, I see the significance of the date lol

  • Guess you have to take out those BG character shoutouts now :grimacing:

  • Some of your zooms in episode 7 are too close, so that when a character does a certain animation, they go off screen.

  • You may want to change the positions of Jason and the other man when they’re fighting because the animations look like they’re standing on top of one another.

Ok, so I actually really love your plot idea, which is a little weird for me since action is not really a genre I usually like… I would want to see it more developed though. Like I mentioned with episode one, I’d like to see more of the characters personalities earlier on. There were also a few directing issues. They weren’t too major and shouldn’t be too hard to fix it, but things like the overlays glitching and the transitions fading in when they should be out, or not fading at the start of the scene, for example, can deter readers from continuing. So it’s more just a case of smoothing out your directing. Anyway, I saw you on another thread supporting the strike, so if you are indeed striking, hope this has helped you for when you come back :slight_smile:

3 Likes

Thanks so much for all the feedback, I’ll for sure take it into consideration. :blush: As for some of the directing issues, there might have been a glitch because I tried several times to get them in the right layer but it wouldn’t work even though I was certain I got the coding right. Nevertheless, thanks so much, I’m glad you liked the story idea. :grin:

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Wouldn’t surprise me if it was a glitch :joy: I know there was one a while ago with overlays delaying but I thought it was fixed now… Guess not hahaha

1 Like

@STEFFI01 - Queen

  • Just so you know, when you’re checking if readers have played before, one of your options is “yes, take me to episode 1” - but I think you either mean the end of episode one or to go to the start of episode 2.

  • Your intro looks awesome. I love the wedding scene with all the background characters. It’s set up very well

  • Ah, when the queen is sitting in her seat, the overlay is fine but her first standing animation gives away the illusion because you can see her leg cuts in.

  • Wow, I really love how you’ve used overlays, they look as if they really are part of the scene, like for the king’s bed.

  • You might want to change some of your BG character’s display names, since they are not important anyway. Seeing the numbers is a little weird.

  • Damn, the queen cheated on the king? Wow

  • Preston seems like an interesting character :eyes: Or should I say villain…

  • Your “grass” background was very creative. I think it was a tree zoomed in, right?

  • Decent length for your first episode, no complaints there. If all your episodes are around that length, I’d be a happy reader.

  • Taren got stabbed :open_mouth:

  • Probably bring Devina forward a layer when she runs, otherwise she goes in the middle of their fight

  • After Devina changes, have her leave the room by walking rear, looks very weird with her facing us hahaha

  • The carriage interior overlay is so cool.

  • “Sob for Taren” - idk why but this choice made me laugh

  • Now I am not so sure if Preston is the bad guy :thinking: …Also, does he ever change clothes? Hahaha

  • Oml, Godess in Black outfit… I see you added the bra hahahaha

  • Just watch Devina’s feet when exiting. Sort of doesn’t look like she’s on the ground.

  • I love the background characters in that last scene, the zooms and directing were great. The scene didn’t look empty but it didn’t feel too busy either

  • Sexy stranger needs to move back a few layers. He walks on top of all the background characters and your zoom isn’t quick enough to hide that

  • Preston isn’t on the screen at all anymore

  • In the flashback, Devina and Nicholas’ hug are at the wrong layers

  • Maybe the queen is the evil one here :thinking:

  • Small type… “I attempted to come to a compromise with the royal council but they where completely close to it” - “where” should be “were”… And while we’re at it, closed should be past tense. Closed.

  • Ah, thought on Mr Coleman choice was a good one. Really made me think.

Well, I really liked that I have to say. It sorta reminded me of The Princess Diaries but with more drama. I like that everyone seems to be hiding their own secrets. Your directing is pretty good too, the way you use overlays feels really effortless. I look forward to reading it when it updates :slight_smile:

4 Likes

@CosmicIvy - Confessions of a Female Jock

  • So… You know you haven’t dropped “College Days” from the dialogue in your story, right? :stuck_out_tongue:

  • Tony “pops” into the screen in the flashback.

  • Dad’s dialogue kills me. “Yoou got this princess, kick their asses” HAHAHAHA

  • Tomboy casual, cute or hot… Made me giggle, idk why. I think because of the actual outfits themselves, but hey, you weren’t lying.

  • A few of your BG characters at the frat were stock-looking which is a bit of a turn off for me

  • I think once they’re inside, they might be scaled a bit too big. If you look at the tables, it only comes to below their hips and they look like they’re standing closer to it so it reach a bit higher than that. Try using the tables for reference to fix it up.

  • Ahhh that choice scares me… Does it give me romance points if I lie? Lol.

  • When Jordan goes outside with James (a result of my choice), the scaling of Katya + co looks really big again. They’re almost as tall as the house, but they don’t look like they’re standing far away enough to be that tall.

  • Mindy looks so defaultish. Ggrrrrr.

  • Damn, Sean works fast :wink:

  • A pet peeve of mine is repetitive pans, which is what it started to feel like with Colette vc Sean/Raquel there in the bedroom. One or two pans is enough and then it’s better to just cut to zone #

  • You should spot direct Raquel’s speechbubbles when she’s kneeling on the bed. They’re a bit too high for tablet readers to see.

  • Oh wow, so you actually used a male avatar for Jordan as a boy? I figured you’d just use manly female features like swap out the hair for a wig. But this is genius.

  • There was just a slight delay in the try out scene where Jordan was running with the ball and blue-hair runs the opposite way and he goes idle before falling. That could just be the animation though :thinking:

  • I wasn’t too big on the outfit choices for meeting James because I’d already worn two of them hahahaha, I don’t want to be an outfit repeater :dizzy_face:

  • Aww I liked hearing about Jordan’s ambitions. For a comedy story, your MC has a lot of depth. It’s very nice to see.

  • I’m wondering why you gave the chance to CC the love interests in the beginning of Episode 4 and not when they were introduced.

  • Blue-hair “Sol” makes me laugh. Like not even wearing a shirt in the lab? Wth.

  • Have I mentioned that Colette crushing on Jordan is genius?

  • This is reminding me so much of She’s the Man. Like different story, but some positive message. People could learn good things from this story.

  • Oh good thing I told Maven the truth, right? Hahaha lol that could have been awkward.

  • Ah! There’s so many layers. Now with Raquel fake dating Jordan when she’s dressed as a guy in addition to Colette liking “him”… I can imagine a lot of drama happening lol

  • I cackled when Sean said “first Raquel, now Colette too”

  • Ahhhhh the hardest choice ever was who I wanted to spend more time with. I like both love interests and I will feel sorry for whoever I don’t pick :frowning:

  • OF COURSE SOL IS SINGING

  • See, Katya looked so sad when Jordan and James returned together! :sob:

  • Sol in the background doing that dance animation while kissing is KILLING ME lol

  • Omg James getting all emotional in the locker room is so cute. And of course so is his mention of Jordan hahaha. You might want to spot his speechbubble though because the tail is pointing to Jordan

  • Omg Colette flashing Jordan!!! :joy:

  • Omigosh your game scene! You’re so creative. I can’t imagine how hard that was to direct considering the limit of animations

  • Ooh just one thing, should the other players be wearing helmets too?

  • Is Sean becoming the enemy? You know when I started this, I thought Sean would discover Jordan’s secret because he was hooking up with Raquel… Now I’m not so sure. But I think he will find out the secret first hahaha

  • Lol poor Dave.

  • oh I see @JackAttack95 in the background. I still remember you in season two of his story. Friendship goals :heart_eyes:

  • When Jordan walks over to James, move her forward a few layers because she walks through a couple of conversations lol

  • I’m laughing at the way you’ve worded your sex choices. Sounds aimed at horny readers who send fanmails hahaha. “Get to the good stuff”.

  • James’ room looks nice

  • Oooh your blanket looks so silky. How??

This was so good! I feel like it just flowed very well. You had a nice balance of funny moments and romantic options, plus there’s a lot of dramatic moments building which I bet keeps the plot moving. Just wondering how many episodes do you have planned? Anyway, keep up the good work, finishing this one makes me excited to see your revamp of Strongholds and Wyverns coz it just shows how much you’ve grown since your first story

5 Likes

Hiya can u pls review my story called Sparks that fly. I dont mind the wait :slight_smile: the link is in my insta bio @sia.epi ty

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Thank you so much Amber!!! I really appreciate your time and detailed feedback!

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You’re always welcome :blush:

About 12 total

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You’re past halfway :partying_face:

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Thank you so much for your review!! I really appreciate the time you took to give me notes on what worked in my story and what didn’t. I will surely look into my mistakes and correct them. Thank you so much again!! :blush::heart:

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You’re welcome :blush:

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I know your waiting list is outrageous but I’d love to be added to it!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Title: Blurred Lines
Author: Ellie
Description: After an intense breakup, Quinn enters the world of no-strings-attached dating. But, what happens when it turns out there are strings after all, and she’s completely tangled in them?
Cover:
7925d0ca7ccfc5043172991fce331767ab3579cb_2_359x500
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4833334534668288

1 Like

@avajosefine - Rich Girls Cry Too

  • Nice intro, it’s simple, but I feel like it sort of sets a nice atmosphere with the text overlays.

  • Ok, I really have a thing for like making-it-big-as-a-celebrity type of stories and even though Vera’s getting rejected in this first scene, I get the feeling I will like it.

  • Ah, I was right, seeing as your text overlays carry through. They look really pro.

  • Your mean girl is a red head? Woah. That’s unheard of on Episode.

  • That teacher is… my idol. LOL. Seriously, she’s hilarious. And this best-list thing? Hahahaha

  • The beginning of Episode 2 is literally exactly what I used to wish would happen at my school lol

  • Me staying silent during the fight coz I knew it made good TV :smiling_imp: I bet that was a staged fight anyway :laughing:

  • Ooops, my behavious points went down one hehehehe, I’m a rebel.

  • Clara and Cecilia were still in their uniforms outside of the party? Was that supposed to be the case?

  • I’m enjoying the classes lol. I know the teachers seem really strict and that speaking manners is not really something most high schoolers would be learning, but I find them entertaining. Better than skipping over them like most stories do.

  • Eek, my behaviour keeps going down… Bet it will make good TV at least

  • I’ve just been noticing there’s a few times you have a one on one conversation where you zoom in on one character and the person they’re talking to says one line, but you leave it zoomed in on the first character. It’s not really a big deal, but it does sort of look like you just forgot to adjust your zoom for one line lol

  • How did Vera know Cecilia was swapping with Juliette’s though?

  • When Vera tells the others about the principle conversation, you zoom out and there’s no table there

  • Awww, I feel so sorry for Vera when her mother doesn’t support her… Even when I told the truth :sob:

  • I know your story isn’t too heavy on the choices matter thing. But I notice your reader message and know they will change scenes significantly later on, I just get that vibe, so picking things like what to wear to this interview is stressing me out :grimacing:

  • Wow, I didn’t expect my mum to comment on my outfit. I was stressing out over the record label lol.

  • Ah, the TV show is so cute. I chose to watch it with mum

  • Your message overlays were awesome. Made it really look like a social media platform with usernames like that

  • Wow, now I’m wondering what would have happened on TV if I did stop the fight… :thinking:

  • Should Madelaine be wearing her school uniform when they’re at the cafeteria?

  • Elisa says I’m close to becoming a country star… But that’s not what I picked :no_mouth:

  • Aww Winnie is such a real mum. Like she’s responsible and actually cares about Vera even if sometimes it feels like she’s being unfair. I can’t wait to see more of their relationship.

  • I sensed some foreshadowing there with Madelaine outside the cafe

  • Omg don’t leave it there! Damn that cliff hanger.

So like… Wow. I can’t believe this is not trending by now? I just loved it SO much shkdwkjslaks! Like SO much. It probably didn’t show enough in all my points above, but I really did love it. It just felt so refreshing to have a present parent and friends that have lives of their own and to live out my teenage dream via Vera and to have a drama story that didn’t depend on my love interest being caught hooking up with the mean girl. Like it actually felt like a proper drama story and not just a romance that’s been put into the drama genre. Idk what else to say. I just loved it :blush:

4 Likes

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and letting me know what you thought of it! I’m so happy that you enjoyed it, it really means a lot to me! And thanks for pointing out the things that didn’t really make sense, I must have overlooked them lol! Thank you so much again :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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You’re welcome :blush: WhEn WiLl YoU uPdAtE?

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May i get review? I can wait.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5019562149478400
Instagram: @episode.angelindisguise
Cover:

1 Like