Going to start off with saying you recommend me reading the whole story (which is fine, I do that with most), but you say it’s because you were learning new things every time you wrote. So from that, it gives me the assumption that each chapter is going to get better (again, this is also fine), but looking at that from a marketing point of view, you want to make sure you go back and edit the first episodes so they meet the standard of your later episodes, so that you have that consistency and that readers are drawn in from the very beginning.
Loved your first few splashes… And then your author note came up I hate author notes, I will never not tell someone to get rid of them, hence my advice being to scrap it. But at the end of the day, that’s your choice.
This feels very fast paced. I honestly feel like I’m watching Gilmore Girls, because all the characters on that show talk fast.
You’re lacking transitions. A simple transition fade in/out would look great for changing scenes.
In the flash back there’s a few errors.
Chloe is walking on the spot
When you pan to the other zone, it’s blank and then the characters pop in. Make sure to place them in their spots before you pan.
Those extra characters are also far too big for where they’re standing. Use the houses as references to scale them down.
Woah, your first chapter was extremely short! I know you can’t publish unless you have 400 lines, but - not to scare you - people can actually get reported if it has less than 50 lines of dialogue. I think if we took out your author notes, you actually could be awfully close to 50-100 lines of dialogue.
I’d also say to not tell your readers how many lines you used. Most people are only readers, and have no idea how making an episode works so the comment about the lines will just seem pointless to them.
For the hair and lipstick change, it would be worth adding the props to go with it.
So many of your background characters at the Shoo Club are wearing beach clothes. Seems random.
The scene where Chloe and Logan start dancing is another case of characters popping in after the background is already there. Make sure you place them all at the same time using & instead of @ to avoid this.
You could probably merge episode 1 and 2 together to have a decent length-ed pilot episode.
I liked the OTS shot to start of episode 3, but I would suggest having it switch back and forth so we get to see Logan’s face too.
That was a clever way to have Chloe and Jane hi-5.
Chloe in bed, where you say you don’t have the night version… Why is her skin so overly tan now? Also, if you’ve got the night version, I’d recommend swapping that in now. Or if not, use the EFFECT DIM 60 overlay.
I think this is because I’ve recently got the new speech bubbles, but in episode 4 Chloe’s face is being covered by almost every bubble. You may want to go back and spot place them…
For the dream sequence, it might be better to go with a filter or a white transition so we can tell the difference. I was very confused until Jane actually said it was a dream.
Episode 5 was another very short episode. If you’re apologizing for it being short, that means you know it too so you should definitely go back and fill it up. Also, just another thing to take into consideration, instead of rushing to publish chapters for your readers that end up being short, take your time to make them longer and to give them more content. Your readers will be happy to wait and you’ll most likely gain new readers because of the quality. More people will give up on a rushed story over one that takes a while to update.
Chapter six started off with some really cute splashes.
I feel like I know what you were referring to when you said each chapter you learnt more - I’m now seeing the mirror scene… Just note though the Chloe’s reflection has a different lip colour.
You have some very nice custom backgrounds. I feel like there’s a good flow throughout Chloe’s house.
The zooms are sometimes a bit fast… Especially when Chloe meets Logan outside.
The ending of episode 6 was a bit of a blur. I think they might have been zoomed in to the wrong spots?
Overall, it’s not a bad effort. There’s definitely a few things that could use some work, but you’ve got a nice plot to work with. If you do take my advice, here’s some points of what I would suggest to do:
Set the scene with every character placed before you pan to a zone. INT. BLACK - DAY &MIA13LA stands screen left in zone 2 AND MIA13LA faces right AND MIA13LA is shiftweight &AMBEROSE stand screen center in zone 2 AND AMBEROSE faces left @transition fade in black AMBEROSE (talk_shrug) Something like this is how it should be coded, for example.
This needs to be done in the beach scene, the dance scene, the cheating scene and a few other scenes, but mostly those first three.
Consider combining some of your episodes together. I’m coming from experience here. I recently revamped one of my contest entries. I brought the first half of episode 2 into episode 1, then added a bunch of new scenes to episode 2 and kept the episode 2 ending the same, then added more scenes to episode 3, as well as making another ending. It took most of my episodes from about 800 lines to 1600, and I feel like it improved the quality too. So I would recommend you do something similar to this. You could add in more scenes, or just combine some episodes together?
Those two points alone I think will really bring your story to the next level
Congrats, you successfully replied to my thread on the forums Mess is good, insane I can handle, so let’s get to your story…
Great use of text effects to start off with. It really stands out.
OMG I’m a character in your story (technically). That’s my name and my hair. Haha.
I’ve noticed your scenes start zoomed in somewhere else and then flash to their right spot. When you’re setting your scene, make sure to use & instead of @ so everything will appear at the same time…
Eg. &AMBER stands screen left AND JACKIE stands screen right &zoom on XYZ in 0
That will make your zoom start in the right place.
When you have your characters placed in a spot, when they exit they go back to their default size, which cn sometimes be a huge difference. Perhaps consider walking them to a spot in a different zone so that it looks like they’re exiting at the same size.
I like the dark kind of plot vibes I’m getting. And now with the scene in this abandoned warehouse… It’s like gossip girl meets breaking bad.
I was scared your little quiz was going to be hard, but it was doable. Hard for someone who wasn’t paying attention, but easy enough for someone who was paying attention but not actively remembering.
It’s a bit hard to keep up with conversations when two characters are talking about someone else… Considering I just started, I can’t recall everyone’s name straight away. I’d recommend having more time spent on introductions (not the narrator saying who’s who, but like just a bit more scenes/dialogue so we can get a feel for each character).
I really love how unrealistic this is to start off with. The idea of having high school aged kids do this is insane, but in a good way. Like I could imagine this as a TV show where they hire 29 year old actors to play the high school kids. It’s got that feeling to it. And it’s at the point where I wouldn’t advise you to try and make it realistic, because it’s just the right level of “mess” as you call it.
I don’t quite understand the guy with the glasses on the black screen holding the book… Is he The Narrator? Any case, having him there for only one line is kind of a waste.
I have a sneaky suspicion about the woman with Adam not turning around.
Episode 1 had a bit of an awkward ending. I feel like it was half a cliff hanger and half we’re just left with a lot of unanswered questions.
So for episode 1, I think you’ll have to give everything a strong and clear introduction. Especially for the main characters and this setting. With setting it in basically another world, you’re going to have to lay down the law, so to speak. How is it different to our lives? And how can you convey the differences over to the reader?
I’m so confused with this school thing now… But I’ll wait for it to make sense before I comment on it as a whole…
I don’t think Roy should be holding the book the entire time, some of the animations look funny.
Seeing as this is set in a futuristic, alternate universe, it would be really cool to see custom backgrounds for their bedrooms and classrooms. Just an idea, their are a lot of people on the forums who could help you out with that. It would also help differentiate between rooms.
There’s probably a reason you haven’t done this… But for the aliens, why not make their skin blue or green? Limelight is lucky enough to have that option and it would be an easy way to tell the difference.
Your quotes at the beginning of each episode would probably be better if they were all on the same background so it’s like a uniform.
The uniforms are cute as!
Did I just seem Steve say they’re only 14??
That foreshadowing in the beginning of episode 4 is heavy!!
Adam is facing the wrong way in the black and white scene.
The way you did the partner dancing was cool, but since it’s slow dancing, have them stay in each position a second longer. Overall though, I loved that black and white scene with Adam popping in and out all over the place.
I’m still confused as to this role of a narrator and I feel like the kids are a little too eager to be on board with it when they should also feel a little confused like me.
Time looks AMAZING. You really made him unique.
I just noticed how you sort of did a play on words in your description with the word TIME
In Adam’s weird dream/flashback thing, there is a lot of characters at the wrong layer.
So I feel like this story has a lot of potential and could be really interesting, but at the moment there’s too much confusion. If you end up replying to this (I say if because I’m finding a lot of people don’t), I’d love to ask you some follow up questions about the plot to help me understand, so I can give my 2 cents worth.
In case you don’t reply to me though, here’s my advice:
First, get all your directing in order. Use the & to set your scenes - This is really important for you as you have scenes where the characters are supposed to “pop” in, so it gets very confusing when they pop in when they’re not supposed to. Similar thing with your transitions. Since you use them throughout your story for things other than just transitions (example, giving them powers), it’s crucial that you have all your actual scene transitions perfect. Make sure when you’re doing a fade in transition, that all your characters are placed in their spots and you add your zoom commands before the transition command.
Secondly, would be the big task of introducing the characters, this alternate universe and what a narrator is without having to do an information dump. This would be a lot of work, but would be well worth it. Just, whatever you do, don’t end up doing “This is Amber and she is blah blah blah and This is Roy and he is blah blah blah” There’s a way to do this using the show, don’t tell method, it just requires you to spend a lot of time on it.
A lot of what you mentioned I knew would cause problems, but I just didn’t really know how to fix them. And when I’m thinking of things my mind just jumps around so much that I literally can’t catch up, but yeah I know what your saying! I would totally love to tell you the plot and stuff, and to hear any more advise you have
Hey, I would love to get some feedback on my first story…
It isn’t published yet, as I am still working on episode 3, but I’ll add the link!
(So, I would recommend just reading the first 2 episodes… Since episode 3 isn’t much yet…)
Story Name: Getting out there
Author Name: Ezz
Description: Daisy has always dreamed of leaving her small boring hometown behind. But what happens when she finally gets the chance to leave? Will she finally be ‘getting out there’?
Episodes: 2 episodes, still working on the 3rd.
Ok, well, hopefully I’ve given you the right info to fix the errors
Now for the plot…
Right now, my understanding of it is that Roy is a narrator and Father Time has selected this group of kids to become narrators and Roy has to teach them at this narrator universe. I’m not sure if you’re using narrators in a meta-theatre kind of way, or in a parody way or if there’s some deeper meaning to what a narrator is in this world.
I know it’s set in the future, but there was a couple of jumps forward here and there, so I’m not sure how far into the future most of it is…
And that’s where I am with the plot, so hit me with your plans for the story And let me know if my understanding was right or way off ahaha
Yeah you’re basically there! I’m going to release the next episode soon (hopefully in the following week) but I’m making sure to explain how & why Roy’s in charge of the kids. Also, further on I will elaborate on what a real narrator does and who they actually work for. I want to make it so Time is kinda like a private contractor basically looking out for his best wishes, and everyone else is kinda just casualties to his cause. But I want to make it so his mistakes eventually throw the whole universe out of Wack, and the kids being the reason (I’ll hopefully be able to explain some of this in chapter 6). In their world I want Narrators to be actual narrators (so they go around and tell people’s stories) but I also want them to have no actual allegiance to anybody… (Like if the CIA was a privately run corporation looking for a quick buck… they gather all this information on people and sell it off to the highest bidder). Also, I’m trying to make everything kinda like one major flashback, and then add hops to the present day. However, I want to eventually run it so it hits the major days the soothsayer listed off. So the flashbacks will increase in years until the reach they major tipping point where the universe will literally be up in flames (think like the Death Star from Star Wars but like big enough to take out like a whole galaxy). But yeah you’re understanding’s pretty good considering the confusing mess that I am! Again thank you so much for your input, because “I am confusion” and honestly couldn’t figure out how to get the characters to not pop into a scene when I didn’t want them to do that. However, there are some parts that I want to remain confusing (like when Adam has his flashback thing I wanted the layering to be off so it added an off feeling to the whole thing, and the same for when Tiffany had her flashback thing I wanted Adam to be off so it again added an off feeling). Oh, and when Steve says the whole 14 years old it’s supposed to be past tense like 4 years ago when they were 14 (I went back in and changed it cause it was confusing). Also, for character introductions, I’m elaborating episode 1 so it adds more information between the girls, and I’m adding a scene between the boys where they have a conversation (So that people can get acclimated with the character’s and their names a bit). Again, I want the story to be confusing but not so much so that it’s unbearable to read. Anyways, thank you for the help (I really appreciate it) and for reading this/my story that I know is confusing (I just can’t help myself…) Thanks again You’re a blessing! And Absolutely Amazing! BTW I read your story about the boy staying in the girls’ dorm and it was rockin’
I don’t think having the characters break the fourth wall was the best way to introduce them to your readers. I remember seeing a thread of things people don’t like in stories, and that was one of the things everyone was saying they didn’t like. At the time, I had done that for my first story and when I read the thread, I went back and read my first episode and just realized how cringe it was, and immediately revamped it. Lol. Perhaps you could keep the opening scenes similar and just take out the part where Rebecca and Lindsey actually talk to the camera?
Good first choice! You gave three options and it was pretty early on into the scene, so that’s good for a first episode.
I noticed you’re not using any transitions between scenes.
When Rebecca starts to retell her conversation, it would probably look better if you used a filter so we know it’s a flashback scene.
When the girls are in the bedroom and Lindsey is sitting on the bed, Rebecca is on the screen, but then she re-enters as if she wasn’t supposed to be on screen the first time.
It’s pretty funny that Rebecca’s dad is so obsessed with Sasquatch.
Careful with looping animations - Lindsey is stuck on talk_awkward_loop while the narrator bubble is explaining Rebecca’s dad.
Based off of the first episode, it’s not exactly clear what this story will be about - is it going to be about this summer party or is it going to be about Bigfoot? Maybe this is a good tactic though, because your readers will read on if they want to find out which way it goes.
Rebecca’s mum and dad are at rick of looking too dafault. Her mother looks exactly like Hazel and the dad looks like he’s wearing a default character’s outfit.
I noticed you don’t use too many zooms. Zooms are pretty handy when you have scenes with 4 or more characters and have only one of them talking. If you zoom in on the character that’s talking, it means that the other characters who are somewhat frozen, aren’t visible so we don’t see how frozen they appear.
Bella and Shauna also look a bit too default. Consider changing a feature or two.
I like how you improvised your ballet costumes.
In the ballet scene, I notice a lot of characters just suddenly appear in their spots instead of walking into place.
Blake and Lindsey’s dance scene was a little mismatched. Maybe with the Dirty Dancing templates, you could actually have them do a partner dance?
MS PERKINS (talk_shrug_neutral) was said as a dialogue instead of having Ms Perkins do the action.
Just noticed Blake is also very default looking.
I’m hoping this old lady is just some crazy woman trying to scare Rebecca into thinking their is a prophecy.
Lin = default!
I liked how you did that seen with Lindsey thinking about everyone from the dance class.
So far, this feels like a pretty light, upbeat story. I really think that you should add in some zooms and transitions between scenes to take it to the next level
Ok, now that you’ve explained it more, I think I totally get what you were going for. With the layering thing - that makes sense now. I can’t remember if you used filters there or not, but in case you didn’t I’d recommend playing around with the hues so you can make the difference between reality and flashbacks/dreams really clear.
I’m looking forward to getting Roy to explain the narrator concept, and how Father Time. I feel like you said a few things just now that has sort of made me click so now I have a few theories
I think as long as those few errors you had get fixed (which it sounds like you’ve basically done now), then you’ll have the exact right amount of confusion left.
Also, thank you so much for reading my story. I saw you left fanmail! So sweet of you xx
@amberose
Thank you so much for doing this review! It’s so helpful. In terms of story direction, the plan is for the reader to go back and forth between Lindsay and Rebecca’s stories. But if that’s confusing, I could alternate it.
I don’t think it needs to be altered. It clicked to me soon into episode 2 - it’s like showing two best friend’s different summers basically, right? Maybe just the intro needs to be restructured though?
Description - Takuro Lee is a terrifying force not to be reckoned with. Will his world crumble apart when he is forced to work with an agent who has the answer to one of his darkest secrets? CC
Hey, so before I start the review I just wanted to point out on your cover… The tag line She wasn’t who she think she was is half in past tense and half in present tense. You might want to change think to thought.
I liked how you started. The narration was good - it gave away the right amount of information without feeling too much like an info dump.
When the crowd enter the dessert, they all start off really and go down to size. It would look better to spot them offscreen so they start off at the right size.
In the hallway with the blue carpet, Heather looks too big when she’s walking up the corridor.
I think if you made your characters walk to suit their moods, it would really enhance their emotions. When Oliver and Heather have that argument, she should walk angrily and he should be sad or exhausted.
Be wary of looping animations. You’ve used them a lot for Lotti so she looks like she never stops talking
Cole just appears at the cabin, you need to have him enter.
Omg your cabin background is so cute.
And that hologram is to die for.
Grant and Heather get stuck on a talking loop when they’re sitting in the library.
Your first episode was a great length.
Not a fan of the author note… It’s just more like why bother telling readers they can customize next episode when they’re about to find out anyway? But that’s just my opinion.
when Grant finds the note, he should be scaled smaller so it looks like he’s closer to the bed, thus reaching for the note would look more believable.
I’m finding episode 2 a little confusing with Lotti’s official introduction. It’s just a bit hard for me to follow, but I’m sure it will make sense with future episodes.
To make Heather’s climb up the side of the house look smoother, I’d recommend zooming really close up instead of having a wide shot.
Heather isn’t wearing the outfit I chose when it gets to the next episode…
ohhhh she’s not supposed to be wearing the same outfit, I see…
When you introduce Karla, you say she fell in love with Grant… But Heather only just met Grant the other day at the library.
OOh, I liked that plot twist with Rosco. You caught me off guard, I would have never expected him.
I’m just going to do like a half way point overall thought while loading episode 4… So I am not really sure what this is about. I feel like I was given this great explanation about Zort at the beginning and it hasn’t really come into the plot all that much since then. I get it’s this fantasy/futuristic world they live in, but I’m just not sure what direction the plot is going? Is is about Lotti being found? Is it about Heather passing out? Is it about them suddenly trying to escape? Is it about Oliver being crazy? So far all of these things have been touched on, but briefly, so it’s hard to make a connection between them all, when it feels like we’re jumping from plot point to plot point. Of course, this is just from the first three episodes, so there’s still time for them to all connect.
Aha, the Nation D now makes sense - I was going to ask about that, but now I don’t have to.
I really liked how you did the transporting scene to the desert.
Especially when Oliver came in. Your sound was perfectly timed for that.
When all the screaming is happening, the speech bubbles aren’t pointing to the characters when they talk - not sure if this is because I have the new speechbubbles or if you forgot to reset them after spot directing them.
Very clever using the spotlight to do scanning. Great improvising.
I wouldn’t bother telling readers about what choice will make the episodes longer, especially because I think your lengths are spot on.
Episode 4 felt like a higher standard compared to the first 3. I just felt like the use of overlays, custom backgrounds and directing really enhanced the story line. It does sort of make the first three episodes feel like they were filler though
The dream sequence was directed very well.
I have a feeling since Nation A aren’t confirmed to be dead, they might come into this again.
You say “We already know this part so let’s skip it” but rather than breaking forth wall you could use the iris transition to show the passing of time?
I noticed you put the date you first published episode 6. Not sure if you’ve done this for others and I haven’t noticed, but that’s pretty handy.
Wow at those capsule things.
So I think the only real thing you need to fix up is having character enter and exit scenes which makes them grow to their default sizes. It doesn’t look right since you spot placed most scenes.
I found the second half of the story a lot more engaging than the first. Not to say there was anything wrong with the first three episodes, I just felt like even though they were long, they didn’t contribute too much to get the plot moving. So keep that in mind if you decide to go back and make changes. A lot of people don’t like being told “it gets better after x amount of episodes”, so make sure you have your first half meet the quality of your second half.
Hey, I’d be happy too. I think I’ve read the description on another thread before. Or maybe it was simply mentioned on another thread. It was a while ago, but the name definitely rings a bell. Just thought I’d say that lol…
Since I’ve already done a review for you, I’m sure I don’t need to express how I feel about author notes haha.
Director (whether he’s important or not) looks too defaultish for my taste.
Lol at your LGBTQ warning.
I noticed these are the same splashes as your other story. Nothing wrong with that, although I always have fun making everything different for each of my stories, so I guess I’m a little surprised to see someone keep it the same.
So since I vaguely know what this story is about, the opening scene is quite fitting I think.
I feel like there’s a bit of an awkward pause between each character talking. I think it’s because you’re giving them animations once they’ve said their lines, so it uses up a beat. Make sure to use ‘&’ to prevent this.
Christian asks for her name, but the teacher already said it when she was telling him where to sit.
Hmmm, nice ending to episode 1. It’s intriguing.
Lol, just noticed your note about the LL splashes… Although by the time you publish, you’d have them done anyway, right?
The way Christian tells her she’s a demigod really bothered me. He was too chill. Tbh, that’s not your fault. It’s the walking talking animations. Quite frankly, they suck. You might want to consider changing that to a scene where they can stand and actually show accurate emotions.
MC is very easily swayed. Me in real life being told I am a demigod would need a lot more persuading for me to believe it.
And that’s me basically up to date. It’s pretty good so far, it’s just the walking-talking scene I’d suggest changing. MC should kind of be freaking out at this point but she can’t because of the lack of emotions in the animations.
I like how this starts off. I wouldn’t be able to tell it’s your first story from the opening scene.
Just be careful of doing an information dump. Narrator bubbles are handy to give a back story but you don’t want to have 7 narrator bubbles in a row explaining something when you could be showing it instead.
The I wasn’t capitalized in “I love this place”.
So far, your directing has been flawless, which is why when Dave and Daisy are about to go to sleep, I would recommend using some unique angles and zooms, so you don’t have to show them “walking” on to the bed and then suddenly be laying down. Do you get what I mean?
Well, you probably know how I feel about author notes, but at least your author note had purpose, lol. And since you as an author has blue hair, I’m wondering if this is like a semi-autobiography?
For the narrator bubbles that are Daisy’s thoughts, make sure to have it as NARRATOR (DAISY) so it comes up above the bubble.
Oh, mrs Dinklehoff is quite the character!
When Dave and Daisy go to get her clothes, Dave seems a bit too tall, like his head might hit the roof. Try scaling them a bit smaller.
After the picture, the fade transition seemed to flash for a second, and then it did a slower fade right after.
When Chris sits down on the couch, he too also looks a little big.
I’m not sure if you want me to go one to episode 3, since you mentioned you were still writing it, but I’m going to anyway.
So when Dave gets the door, he’s looking like a giant compared to the door!
I love that you added the lipstick and brush props!
I’m guessing I’m up to the bit where you’re still working on it, because there’s a few things off in the bar scene - Damien being offscreen and BG characters not being animated. Plus the wrong layers when Dave goes to get the drinks with Jack.
So yeah, I quite liked that. I’m interested to see what kind of twist and turns you throw in there. And even after all that, I still can’t believe that is your first story. There was virtually no errors! Great effort.