ANYONE ABLE TO HELP WITH MY STORY?! 😭

Heyy so I feel like my first episode of my story (what i have so far) is kind boring and not very interesting. :confused:

I was hoping maybe someone is able to read it and maybe help me change some things.
(I WILL GIVE FULL CREDIT)

Here is the script
(there is a few overlays that are used in it so if some scenes look a bit weird thats why :sweat_smile:)

SCRIPT

EXT. NORTH PHILADELPHIA ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
@zoom on 421 361 to 251% in 0
music music_darkkeys
@AILAINI changes into STARTING OUTFIT
@JOSELYN changes into J STARTING OUTFIT
@add Gun Pistol Black to AILAINI
@AILAINI changes hair into Long Down Wavy Princess Braid
&AILAINI spot 1.000 104 112 in zone 2 AND AILAINI does it while idle_cup_worried_loop
&cut to zone 2
&AILAINI faces right
&AILAINI moves to layer 2
&JOSELYN spot 1.000 310 112 in zone 1 AND JOSELYN is idle_lay_exhausted_loop
@pause for 3
@zoom on 640 5 to 149% in 3
&AILAINI is idle_cup_sad_loop
@pause for 3
@zoom on 412 389 to 491% in 2
@overlay TEAR 1 create
@overlay TEAR 1 opacity 100% in 0
@overlay TEAR 1 scales to 0.046 0.046
@overlay TEAR 1 shifts to 93 350 in zone 2
@overlay TEAR 1 shifts to 93 333 in zone 2 in 2
&overlay TEAR 1 opacity 100% in 0 then overlay TEAR 1 opacity 0% in 2
@speechbubble is 212 98 to 100% with tail_top_left
AILAINI
(F*ck what has she got into.)
@SOPHIE walks to spot 1.050 104 112 in zone 2 in 4 AND SOPHIE does it while walk_neutral_loop
@add Baseball Bat Wood to SOPHIE
@SOPHIE is talk_bangdoor_intense
@AILAINI is faint
@pause for 0.5
@AILAINI is idle_lay_exhausted_loop
&SOPHIE is talk_evil_celebrate
@pause for 1
@SOPHIE is search_neutral
@pause for 2
@SOPHIE walks to spot 1.050 104 112 in zone 1 in 3 AND SOPHIE does it while run_super_speed_loop
music off
@transition fade out white in 3
EXT. DESERT VIEW - SUNRISE
@overlay 1 YEAR LATER create
@overlay 1 YEAR LATER opacity 0% in 0
@overlay 1 YEAR LATER shifts to 309 327 in zone 1
@overlay 1 YEAR LATER scales to 0.326 0.326
@overlay 1 YEAR LATER moves to LAYER 14
@pause for 1
@overlay 1 YEAR LATER opacity 100% in 4
@transition fade out black in 3
INT. HOSPITAL LIGHTS LOOP - NIGHT
music int_hospitalroom
@transition fade in black
@transition fade out black
@transition fade in black
@transition fade out black
@transition fade in black
@transition fade out black
@transition fade in black
@transition fade out black
NARRATOR (DOCTOR 1)
She’s waking up!
NARRATOR (DOCTOR 2)
I’ll go get a doctor Stewart.
@transition fade out black
INT. JUVIE HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
@zoom on 585 425 to 210% in 0
@AILAINI changes into STARTING 1
&cut to zone 2
&AILAINI spot 0.622 14 472 in zone 2 AND AILAINI does it while idle_lay_groggy_eyesclosed_loop
&DR STEWART spot 0.622 265 312 in zone 2 AND DR STEWART does it while talk_handsopen_happy_loop
&DETECTIVE HILL spot 0.624 179 316 in zone 2 AND DETECTIVE HILL does it while talk_armscrossed_angry_loop
&DETECTIVE HILL faces right
@pause for 3
@AILAINI is idle_lay_groggy_neutral_loop
@AILAINI is idle_lay_awake_rubeyes_loop
@AILAINI spot 0.622 212 321 in zone 2
&AILAINI faces right
&AILAINI is idle_sit_legsup_wounded_sad_loop
@pause for 1
@AILAINI is idle_wounded_sad_loop
&DR STEWART is react_shocked_gasp
&DETECTIVE HILL is react_shocked_gasp
@DR STEWART is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop
@DETECTIVE HILL is idle_armscrossed_shifteyes_loop
AILAINI (talk_unsure)
Where am I?
@AILAINI is idle_awkward_scratch_loop
DR STEWART (talk_handsopen_happy_loop)
You’re in the hospital.
DR STEWART (talk_explain_neutral)
My name is Doctor stewart. I have been assessing you while you have been in a | bold, animation:shuffle-sideways|coma.
AILAINI (talk_armscrossed_sad_loop)
A coma?
@AILAINI is idle_awkward_scratch_loop
DR STEWART (talk_armscrossed_neutral_loop)
Yes, now if it’s okay with you I would like to run some tests on you.
AILAINI (talk_afraid)
Tests?
DR STEWART (talk_reassure_neutral)
Don’t worry I promise it wont take long.

    AILAINI (talk_unsure)

Uh, Ok I guess.
DR STEWART (talk_explain_neutral)
Heyy don’t be scared I promise you will be in safe hands.
DR STEWART (talk_neutral)
We just want to make sure you dont have any memory loss or some sort of medical condition.
AILAINI (talk_sheepish_rubneck)
Heh thanks.
@AILAINI is idle_awkward_uneasy_loop
DR STEWART
Okay I’m just going to set up is it ok if u lay on the bed for me?
@AILAINI is listen_nod_happy_loop
DR STEWART (talk_apathetic)
Detective with all due respect I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
&DETECTIVE HILL is idle_armscrossed_shifteyes_loop
@DETECTIVE HILL is eyeroll_sarcastic
&DETECTIVE HILL walks to spot 0.624 179 316 in zone 1 in 3
&DETECTIVE HILL faces left
AILAINI (talk_awkward_loop)
Uhh why is there a detective here?
DR STEWART
Hmm, do you not remember what happened?
AILAINI (talk_unsure)
Nope, why is it something bad?
DR STEWART (think_rubchin)
(hmm, could be memory loss)
DR STEWART (
Unfortunatly I dont know the full details of what happened but you did sustain a very bad head injury, which you already know lead to a coma.
AILAINI (talk_armscrossed_sad_loop)
Oh.
DR STEWART (talk_armsraised_neutral)
Well I suppose I better get going if you want these tests done today!
@AILAINI is laugh_chuckle
@DR STEWART is talk_greet_neutral
@DR STEWART walks to spot 0.624 179 316 in zone 1
@transition fade out black
@transition fade out white in 3
EXT. DESERT VIEW - SUNRISE
@overlay 45 MINUTES LATER create
@overlay 45 MINUTES LATER opacity 0% in 0
@overlay 45 MINUTES LATER shifts to 253 213 in zone 1
@overlay 45 MINUTES LATER scales to 0.776 0.776
@overlay 45 MINUTES LATER moves to LAYER 14
@pause for 1
@overlay 45 MINUTES LATER opacity 100% in 4
INT. JUVIE HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
@cut to zone 2
@zoom on 395 384 to 316% in 0
@AILAINI spot 0.622 75 386 in zone 2 AND AILAINI does it while idle_sit_anklescrossed_neutral_loop
&AILAINI faces right
@DR STEWART spot 0.622 128 345 in zone 2

(so sorry if i have tagged people :sob:)

I am also unsure if i should have her friends or family in the room when she wakes instead of the doctor/s and detective.

2 Likes

Can you send the link of your story instead? :heart:

here it is I’m not sure if it will work as I haven’t published it yet (sorry for not specifying that :sweat_smile: its also why I sent the script :frowning_face:)

http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5249735776206848

1 Like

hey, I will review it and tell you want changes you need to make.

1 Like

No, according to me there will be no problems as you only changed the cover.

1 Like

Hey, I read the first chapter of your story and I will say you can make the detective and her family members stand there and you can show her bits of her past in chapters, like she is remembering things as you can show that she forgot her past and remembering it in bits. Also you increase the length of your first chapter. You can show that her family tries to keep her away from the thing that happened in her past and also they make sures that she never remembers it but she starts getting deeply involved with her past or i mean that her past is not leaving her and with this she meets her love of her life.

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Hope this helps.

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TYSM!!! this helped so much

How may i credit you?

(sorry for the long reply I have been so busy with school :sweat_smile:)

1 Like

It’s OK, and you can credit me as @sofia.writes123

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