Anyone willing the review my story before publishing criticism wanted

Looking for someone to read and tell me how to improve my story before publishing and their honesty opinions and criticism. Anyone interested?

i could. how many episodes are there?

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I am willing.

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there’s only 3 :slight_smile:

that’s good thank you!! However i’m not too sure how to share it if it’s not yet published? any ideas

It’s at the bottom of the page where you can check your characters and create a new chapter.

Aw okay I will publish it once my backgrounds are approved and will tell you the name ect once published either tomorrow or next day it will be.

I meant this.

Aww sorry I didn’t see this will look now

Episode Writer Portal there please let me know if it works.

Episode Writer Portal please let me know if the link works okay.

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It works.

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Would you prefer if I messaged you the review?

Yes thats fine

Alright.

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episode 1

first, i recommend putting this at the end of episodes. episode also has an option to put your instagram (upon changing/publishing) that they will plug every few episodes.


she’s not holding a hairbrush in this scene, which looks a bit weird, like she’s brushing her hair with her fist.

so for commas, you should always have a space after them.

correct way: Hi, it’s nice to meet you.
incorrect way: Hi,it’s nice to meet you.

the same thing goes with periodts. always a space after.
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as for your speechbubbles, they’re placed too high. place them a lot lower, unless they’ll be covering the character’s face(s).


^ another note for that scene is that the mother was just standing in that position, completely still. i’d put her as idle, or atleast her doing something. it looks a bot strange and like she’s a statue when she isn’t moving.

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^ this here should be spelled “passed”, not pasted.

you also need to work on adding more commas, like in these examples:


doesn’t has an apostrophe (’) right before the t, so add that. a comma would also do well after “matter”.

there should be a comma after “what” or “they”, depending on what tone you want him to say it in.
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for this, you either need to add a periodt after Harley, or uncapitalize “she” and add a comma after Harley.
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if you ever are unsure about adding a comma or not, say it outloud. if it feels awkward and unnatural, don’t add it. if it flows better, add a comma.

and well… i can’t get through this review without mentioning this picture:


… they’re giants. make them way smaller. if the problem is that you can’t see them well, zoom in on them.

also, this teacher is clearly florence (a default character). you didn’t even change her outfit. i’d highly suggest doing that as many people see this as lazy.

some grammar errors:
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remember to always capitalize the first letter of a sentence (even though i’m not doing that right now).
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you also forget to punctuate sentences, so i’d recommend going over the dialogue before publishing.
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again, you forgot the space after the comma and the periodt. also, instead of putting a periodt, i’d recommend a question mark as she’s asking a question.

and this, well, it’s not censored properly. you have an asterus (*), but you still have the o after that.

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these aren’t all your spelling mistakes, but they’re some examples. keep in mind everything i’ve written here and take it with you into the following episodes you write. check your grammar before publishing and maybe even get a proofreader to check it for you so you can fix it.

the ending for this episode is pretty random and abrupt. there isn’t any buildup whatsoever so it just doesn’t make sense to end it there. it’s also very quickly resolved in the next episode, therefore i’d probably end it somewhere else or buildup to an actual cliffhanger.

episode 2

same grammar mistakes for this one, pretty much. again, i recommend going over it and checking what you can improve.

in this scene, they’re as big as the tree. on first glance they don’t look too big, but upon further scrutinizing it they’re pretty huge.


the ending for this episode is also very random and happens out of nowhere. same things i said for the previous one applies here, too.

episode 3

your transitions are a bit awkward. here’s how you should type them out:

@transition fade out black 2 [or the transition you’re using, you can also choose the time].
&CHARACTER spot 1.223 123 123
&CHARACTER spot 1.000 250 70
@transition fade in black 1

you can just put whatever you need in beetween the transitions, however make sure to put an &, not an @.

grammar is again the same, however i’d also like to note that you sometimes forget to capitalize character’s names.

you’re using default positions for your characters, which is fine, but i highly recommend learning it as it’s easy once you get the hang of it and it’ll make the story a lot better.


^ for this, put willow as idle. again, when characters are standing like that without breathing, it looks a bit weird.

i’d also like to note that the splashes on the start don’t last for even 2 seconds. for those who don’t read as fast, they won’t be able to see what they’re saying.


in this scene (and some others) roman just teleports to where aurora is standing instead of walking to her.

that’s all, good luck <3

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Yes thank you for pointing all these out I wouldn’t of realised otherwise and I’m half way through trying to fix them which I should of waited until I was done to actually ask others to have a look but in all honesty I thought it would take weeks for a reply :rofl: . So I will take all these into account thank you for having a look :slight_smile:

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