I really enjoyed your story because of how you created your characters and how realistic everything is. MC is not some shy girl who is going to let other people bully her but she will set them straight. I enjoyed how the LI, Marcus and Tom, are portrayed. Both seem like genuine nice guys and if you made me choose between them right now, I would have a hard time picking which one to date honestly. Tom seems like a classic bad boy but when you meet him you can clearly tell that he is a nice and sweet guy and that there isn’t anything cliche ‘bad boyish’ about him. Marcus may seem at first like he isn’t the brightest but again you showed us that he is his own person, and there is more to him than hanging out with Veronica and other girls. It was really cute how he showed everyone that he is serious about MC when he kissed her in the cafeteria. I am interested in why MC’s mother is so overprotective of her, but I guess we will find that out in the later chapters.
I think it would be a good idea (if you haven’t thought of it) to add some more flashbacks to MC’s parents, I believe there is a lot of space for further development. To me it seemed a bit odd how her mum suddenly went from being over controlling to behaving completely normal and understanding.
Jenny seems to be quite the wild, carefree person and I must say I like that she is in a way role model for MC. You said she was based of your favorite singer, is it perhaps Taylor Momsen from The Pretty Reckless?
I love the type of music you went with, I’m a fan of punk rock as well so I quite enjoyed seeing all the bands getting mentioned. :3
There was a nice amount of choices, and I like how in I believe episode two our choices started to affect the plot. I liked how it all depended on luck when we were choosing our meal on our date. I’ll just say I vomited on poor Marcus thanks to my choice, curse me and my love for Italian food.
I know you said you find adding music to be a pain but I think that music would be a brilliant bonus while MC and Jenny were on the Blink 182 concert.
Your directing skills are very good, I just saw a couple minor mistakes that are barely noticeable but I’ll write them just in case you would want to know.
There weren’t any grammatical errors as far as I could tell, I just found two:
In the scene with Tom when we choose what question we’d like to ask him:
What do your tattoos mean or what does your tattoo mean should be written,
not what does your tattooes mean and
the scene when we are on a date with Marcus it should be: "wow that’s a great book, I thought you would say some teenage romance book, instead of: wow, that’s a great book, I thought you will tell some teenage romance book
I noticed you used a few backgrounds that aren’t from Art catalog, and I especially loved MC’s bedroom. Also there weren’t that many overlays, but when there were, they were nicely placed and didn’t look out of place.
All in all I am definitely planing on reading more when new chapters are published. Like I said I love that the characters have depth and that the story is not written like every other romance story on Episode.
I think that you did a fantastic job seeing as it is your first story.
Some of the directing errors I have noticed:
Just at the beginning I feel like the animations you used while having a fight with MC and MC’s mum were a bit too aggressive given the fact there were only 2-3 sentences exchanged between them.
When Marcus first approaches MC he walked over the fountain.
The moment when the MC is talking to Jenny about meeting her at the bar has quite a jump and all of a sudden we are in MC’s room getting ready to go out, maybe you should add at least narration bar that says “After school ended” or something similar that you see fit?
At the bar Jenny is holding a cigarette but at the same time holding a cup
Tom should be facing left when talking to MC after he introduced her to his and Jenny’s friends, instead he is facing right
Jenny and her boyfriend are not standing on the floor but a bit above it at the party at Veronica’s
After when Tom kisses MC, it seemed like he just ‘jumped’ away, instead of walked away
When MC is on a date with Marcus the waitress moves from being behind the couple to suddenly stand in front of them
Before Marcus kisses the MC he is facing right instead of facing left
At the bus stop MC looks a bit too big compared to background and Tom was at the wrong layer when he approached her
After conversation with Veronica MC walks away but does it with animation idle rather than walk_rear