Hello, fellow Episodians. I am here to bring about a great injustice on the app. A small, oftentimes overlooked one. One so simple that it may slip your mind completely.
But I find myself thinking about it every day. My nights are haunted by it. My sunny days are clouded by the sadness.
Let me explain:
“Yes,” you say, “that’s the loading screen of the app.”
But it is so much more.
Look closer, friends.
Do you see?
This poor woman, a beautiful woman, with hair purple as the finest grapes and sculpted eyebrows that Influencers can only dream of, is facing a great struggle.
For years she has gone without a ring. Her boyfriend (we assume), has failed to propose for many years now. This is a cruel punishment for the woman.
Now, allow me to explain why she deserves a ring:
She is Faithful
- I have never seen this woman in the arms of another man on the Episode app. She has always been with her brown-haired beau, regardless of his clearly indecisive personality and unclear intentions.
She is Public
- Oftentimes when we are not listened to in private, we must make our concerns public. (See, for example, when a fast food chain gives you nine chicken nuggets instead of ten. Will they care? No, not until you go full Karen mode on Instagram). This woman is clearly so exhausted by dropping subtle hints that she has chosen to make her opinion loud and clear for all to see.
She is Patient
- It has been years. YEARS, I tell you. Clearly there is something in this relationship that makes her want to stay. Otherwise she would have moved on to someone else - say, perhaps, the free-spirited woman front and centre.
She is Honest
- Let’s be real: sometimes we say things we don’t mean, or we hide what we want. This woman DOES. NOT. She is very direct and upfront, which would make for a wonderful person to spend the rest of your life with. She will never say she’s “not mad” when he forgets to bring home her favourite ice cream. She will be completely honest with him and say “yes, I AM angry you forgot my mocha caramel crunch.”
She is Exposed
- As if to rub it in her face, there is a happy couple on the far left. Look at them! So carefree. So in love. This must feel like a harsh wake-up call. Why can’t she have such a loving relationship? To make her stare at this couple every time someone opens the app is a cruel punishment.
What better time than the present to make changes? We have been ~hashtag~ blessed with wedding updates - this woman needs an update too. It is only the humane, moral thing to do.
In short, I simply and humbly ask the Episode team to consider giving this woman the happiness she deserves. How long must she suffer? How long must she go without a physical reminder of her man’s love? When will the madness end?!
Give her a ring.
Disclaimer: This is satirical – please don’t harass the Episode team about it lmao