Arty's reviewing spot ( reviews - opinions - suggestions ) - CLOSED

Hey sweetheart, I’ve just finished reading the first two chapters of your story and I must say that I’m truly linking it so far, it has great appeal and overall an intriguing plot :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

There are some things that I noticed while reading:

  1. Layer mistakes: I noticed that in some scenes the characters weren’t placed in the right layer, it was possible to see the character doing an animation behind the other character.
    I suggest you to double check everything through a preview on your phone, so that you can see if there are mistakes.
    Another directing mistake that I noticed was the transition, I could see the transition fade out on the screen but after that I could still see the characters, for this I suggest to make sure that you put the transition command at the end of the scene, just before the new scene background (so that you shouldn’t have this problem while previewing) > same problem in the intro with the splashes

  2. Introduction: ok, I’ve experienced this on my own skin so I know how much relevance this has. The intro of your story is what capture the interest of your readers, so if you have a great intro, readers would more probably keep reading. I suggest you a shorter intro, not because kung fu is boring (don’t get me wrong) but it’s a bit too long hearing her talking about it and see just a glimpse of what it is in the reality (and I get that this problem is due to the amount of available animations) but in order to not make it feel too long and maybe a bit boring, I could suggest you to make multiples scenes to happen while she talks, like if it was a plan she makes in her mind before the actual fight (she’s in the car, she changes, she starts the fight and then she wins) or another way is to shorten the dialogue, but obviously it’s your choice :wink:

  3. Calling people: this is just a random thought: if she sees her mother more as a friend than a mother, why calling her “mother”? It feels so cold and detached, when I’ve read it for the first time I was already saying “Oh gosh here’s another strict mother…”.
    I suggest a more affectionate word to call her mom since I bet she loves her :blush:
    Same goes for her “driver”. I’d feel a bit bad if I was him…being called a driver (even if in an affectionate way I’d never call one of my friends/boyfriend “driver”)

  4. Be more aggressive :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:: Go wild with the cliffhanger! Be dramatic! If there’s something that makes the readers wanting to go on is a great suspenseful ending, make the reader say "Oh gosh, what happened in her past?! So I’d say, don’t show any past memory, just her talking (with no actual speech bubble) and him in disbelief)
    [even at the end of the second chapter, let the reader see Brother’s mouth talking at the phone but just let him say “Hello Roy” “I’ve got a proposal for you” and then bam! "What is this mysterious proposal? Who’s Brother?,…]

  5. Be more dramatic!!! When Noah dies please, make it more clear, it was too rushed, take your time to show the reader the pain that Roy is feeling, the struggle that’s keeping Noah from dying, make him saying some super sad words, make the reader feel like all the pieces that kept the world of the main character together, are gone. Take more time to show what’s going on, so thanks to that, her motivation will be stronger.

  6. Speech bubbles: Ok, an easy one actually, I noticed that sometimes you don’t spot correctly the speech bubbles under the one who’s talking, an advice, put the speech bubble tail on the shoulder of the speaker (try it, it could really help you out, obviously remember to scale it in case)
    Another thing, when she’s thinking something, it’s preferable that you put a thought speech bubble instead of a normal one, so you get immediately that she is thinking that [or even better: if you want to make it feel like an inner monologue, use the narrator speech bubble :wink:]

As I always say, these are just some things that I’ve noticed while reading, and are just some suggestions that you may or may not consider useful. Your story is truly interesting an captivating, I’d just make it feel more dramatic, since it’s where the hero’s journey starts.

Overall intriguing plot, nice directing and cool art. Keep up with the great work since this story could go really far :blush:

1 Like