Baleigh’s Episode Story Review Thread (Closed)

Hey, everyone! I’ve decided to open up a review thread as a way of trying to help people in the community. I’m fairly new to episode writing, but I just graduated in May with my Bachelor’s in English so I do know quite a bit about spelling, grammar, and what, overall, makes a pretty good story. I’ve also been working on my own story Perfectly Aligned for around 2 months now and have learned quite a bit in terms of coding. :grin::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Here are the rules. Please follow all of them for a chance to get reviewed.

  1. Fill out this form here
  2. Comment down below with the Password: BaleighsReviews
  3. Do not post anything else. I would appreciate if the thread doesn’t get clogged up and there’s a place on the forms where I ask you to put your username. I will tag you in the review and post it here once it is done. If for some reason you’d like the review in pms then please dm me. :grin:
  4. Please don’t rush me. I work a full time job and also have my own story to work on. With that being said I will try to not take more than 7-14 days to get your review done.
  5. I will review 1-3 episodes. I will most likely only read 1 but if I feel as if I need to read more to get further context I will.
  6. I reserve the right to not finish an episode/do a review if the story ends up having extremely uncomfortable content or explicitly breaks the new guidelines.

Thank you all and I look forward to reading your stories! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you for this thread :heart: I would love to get review from you! :blush:
I sent you filed form.
Password: BaleighsReviews

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Thank you for the thread~I would love a review of my story! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: I filled out a form :slight_smile:

Password: BaleighsReviews

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Ty! I submitted a review.

BaleighsReviews

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thank you so much for taking your time :heartpulse: i filled out the form :see_no_evil:

BaleighsReviews

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Sumbitted :heart:
Password : BeleighsReviews

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Submitted a form. :slight_smile:
Password: BaleighsReviews

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I dont remember if I have gotten a review with my unpublish story before. can you tell if I have?

my story

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No you haven’t. If you’d like one please just fill out the form. :grin:

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could you please dm me the review. also I forgot say in adotinal notes cc has not been added yet.

BaleighsReviews

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BaleighsReviews Thank you!

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Thank you! And please take your time. I’ve gotten a little feedback already and I’m in no rush :two_hearts:

BaleighsReviews

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Thank you so much for this thread! I submitted a form. Could my review be PMed to me, please? Thanks again! :blob_hearts:

BaleighsReviews

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Review for: Set Me On Fire by: @Lizzie.epi

Review

I like the intro.
Remember to use proper punctuation. You have places where periods are not in place at the ends of sentences.
At the part where Ellen says: “I just CAN’T live without him” I would suggest italicizing and bolding the word ‘can’t.’ I think it will bring more dramatic meaning to the word.

“I can’t loose him…Not now and not like that” (It should be lose and there should be a period at the end).

“I bet you are wondering what happened to me and how I could get to such situation” (It should be: “I bet you are wondering what happened to me and how I could get into such a situation.”)

“I’m fine honey” (Remember to put a comma before ‘honey’ as Marthe is directly addressing Ellen when she says it. I would also recommend capitalizing the word as well.)

“No, no! I’ll be okay. I’ll read book maybe. Don’t worry about me, angel.” (Should be: No, no! I’ll be okay. I’ll read a book, maybe. Don’t worry about me, Angel.”)

“And it hurts like a hell to see her suffer” (And it hurts like hell to see her suffer.)

The part about her grandma and grandpa being soulmates is sweet and really sets the romance aspects of the story up.

“Or if you heard then you definitely can’t imagine where the hll is it” (“Or if you heard then you definitely can’t imagine where the hll it is.”)

You use the word: ok. While there’s really nothing wrong with this, I would consider using ‘okay’ as I think it sounds a bit better in this type of writing.

You also use the word: wanna. While this is alright if it’s for the vernacular of being a teenager if you want to be more: “formal” I’d suggest using: want to.

Make sure your speech bubbles are pointing towards the person talking.

When Ellen starts talking to the audience, I found it a bit weird. I think it would be better to maybe have what she says as just simple narration.

“Now I would like to ask to get up on stage the best student and your Class President Ellen Clark” (Now, I would like to ask our best student and your Class President: Ellen Clark, to come up on stage.”

Flashbak is spelled: flashback

“You’re perfect daughter” (You’re the perfect daughter.)

“Ellen, Leila’s getting married on the next week. And we’re decorating wedding venue for her.” (Ellen, Leila’s getting married next week, and we’re decorating the wedding venue for her.)

“Sweetheart, can you please show to Miss Zaden samples of bouquets?” ( Sweetheart, can you please show Miss Zadeh bouquet samples?)

“She must be that important client of my Mom” (She must be that important client of my Mom’s.)

“Which one you like the most?” (Which one do you like the most?)

“I’ve chosen sample. I’m looking forward to see how you’ll decorate venue” (I’ve chosen the sample. I’m looking forward to see how you’ll decorate the venue.)

“My poor mom was abandoned in unknown country with a small baby.” (My poor mom was abandoned in an unknown country with a small toddler.)
Age 3 is more “toddler” age than “baby” age.

“That daughter of your’s so stubborn.” (That daughter of yours is so stubborn.)

“You coming to club, bro?” (You coming to the club, bro?)

“But I don’t wanna do anything such intimate with someone I don’t have any feelings” (But I don’t want to do anything so intimate with someone I don’t have any feelings for.)

“I’ll never fell in love” (I’ll never fall in love.”)

Additional Thoughts:

I love the friendship between Ellen, Mia, and Natalie.
Ellen having the guy read the book for a date is pretty funny.

This first episode feels a bit long for my liking. While episode length is ultimately a personal choice there are places where it seems to drag a bit. I would suggest maybe cutting some narration (especially in the beginning when Ellen is doing more telling than showing).

Ellen’s obsession with perfection is interesting.

I would consider either using grammarly or getting a proofreader to go over your episodes. There was a grammatical error in nearly every speech bubble.

I think, overall, you have a good start to a story, though. I would just work on your grammar and spelling and remember to show not tell.

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Thank you for the thread! I just submitted the form :blush:

BaleighsReviews

Review for @shronus0201

Review

While there is nothing wrong with an author intro, I would stay away from indicating that your story will have mistakes. It could cause people to click out of the story prematurely. Also, while a first episode of a first story will no doubt have mistakes this really isn’t an excuse to not put your best work forward.

During the texting scene in the beginning I would suggest moving the speech bubbles around some so they’re not off the phone screen.

I would suggest using okay instead of ok.

I would suggest censoring the word ‘ass’ due to the new guidelines.

“How the hell he even know me and my so call secret?!” (How the hell does he even know me and my so called secret?!)

The part where she’s jogging and thinking about the mission feels a bit overdone. I would maybe try to keep it to a few speech bubbles before moving on. The way it is now just feels extremely repetitive.

The character talking out loud to herself is a bit off putting to me. I would suggest either using thought bubbles or better yet using narration.

The repetitive mentioning of the mission is a bit much. Readers already know the mission exists, there is no reason to remind people of it every two seconds.

It’s weird that Rachel finds the college campus so big. Most college students tour the campuses of colleges before they decide to go there. Therefore she’d already know the campus was too big.

“freshmans” (Freshmen)

There’s a lot of unecesassary wording in the first episode. Such as things being repeated multiple times for no reason.

Unless Liam is supposed to be a shorter guy, I would spot direct him taller. Remember in Limelight the men show up as being almost shorter than the girls.

The professor using the word ‘ain’t’ is a bit weird as it’s not a word that would be common in the vernacular of college educated men in a classroom.

I have to admit this first episode is throwing me off the story a bit. I like the interaction between Rachel and Stella. However, the way the college is set up is throwing me off most of all. It’s also hard to find the plot of this story. Remember, your first episode sets everything up for readers. If it doesn’t capture people’s attention, they won’t continue reading.

There are multiple chances for you to use choices where you don’t. Such as the question part. You rush through it, but this could be a great way for the reader to get to know Stella and Rachel better.

Rachel opening up to Stella after knowing her for two seconds practically is unrealistic.

Personally I found this first episode hard to get into. It’s hard to know what the meaning/ point of this story is. I would think more on your plot and try to rework some things. I would also work on your grammar in some places. While it isn’t bad there is still some room for improvement.

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This thread is paused for now. I will do all reviews before this message but I am not accepting any new ones for now. Thank you.

Review for: @Madhu

Review

I would use the censor bars for the shower part.

Why are some clothing options gold? It might be good to explain this in a readerMessage.

I would suggest putting a trigger warning for the flashback. Abuse and the mention of being cut are serious things that could be extremely triggering for people. I would also maybe give an option to skip over such a detailed flashback.

I think you have a good start here! The characters all seem interesting so far. I didn’t notice any grammatical or spelling errors that just stood out to me. Sorry this review is shorter, but I really do not have too much to correct. Good job so far!

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Thank you for the review! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Also, yeah I know I have some things related to everything I needed to correct, which is why I’m going to through a mini revamp right now lol and i forgot to censor one word haha but thanks again!

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@Baleigh_episode
some clothing options are gold as they are the ones in the art scenes I already mentioned it in the reader message. yes, I am adding a trigger warning but I cannot give the skip option there as my story is on how to face those things and move on.

Thanks for the review! I hope you enjoyed reviewing it!

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