Hey!! I read your story and this is what I have so far:
Okay, let’s start with the intro. Thought I liked it, it was moving too fast. I couldn’t keep up with it. And the panning wasn’t very smooth either.
I don’t know what this translucent white screen is doing, but I’m guessing it’s for a flashback? You could have used filters too. It’ll look neater.
Here, the word used is wrong. It’s supposed to be, “Are we allowed to leave now?”.
I like how you wrote the letter, but when did Violet come and keep it on Hazel’s bed? You could’ve specified that there was a time skip to… after 1-2 hours? And where did Hazel go after yelling at her sister? Was it her room? Outside? It wasn’t specified and did confuse me a bit.
How old were they when this happened? They both look like 12-year-olds to me!!
I love how you used the unicorns as toys!!
Leah looks awkward here. Maybe use different animations? If im correct, this reaction was used for 2-3 dialogues. And it’s weird how Leah didn’t scold them or asked them to apologise to each other for talking rudely. Yeah, her parenting skills might be different, but that’s what parents usually do when their kids are arguing.
Okay, so right after the scene where Hazel breaks down and keeps repeating “I’m sorry”, it immediately cuts to Thea painting which looks a bit weird. Maybe you could transition the scenes?
Her hair colour’s blonde now, for some reason.
This is very oddly written. It’s very cringy when someone talks like this. And I don’t think anybody does in real life.
I find it very weird that after Hazel found the note explaining that their parents left because they were in danger, why didn’t she tell anyone other than Violet? They could’ve thought about calling the police, or relatives, or neighbours, anyone! But they didn’t and this is very bizarre. And how did Hazel live for 3 years without any money? She couldn’t have just stayed in the house for 3 years! What about schools? And the bills? Who was paying for that? Her family? Did she have a job? These are some serious plotholes you need to look out for.
Now, I want to talk about their age. Hazel and Violet were 17 when their parents left, right? And Violet left a day after receiving the note. Now, The problem is that they don’t look their age. I first assumed that boy were maybe 12 or 13. I’m sorry, but it’s true. 15-17-year-old teenagers look a bit more mature. I also want to point out that after 3 years, Hazel looks like a completely new person! This is very unbelievable. Just look at the difference between 17-year-old Hazel and 20-year-old Hazel:
17:
20:
