Kotton Kandie
Spelling / Grammar: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
There are quite a bit of spelling and grammatical mistakes in the three episodes that I had read — causing the score. For example, “You’re not a failure Kandie.” from episode one, should be “You’re not a failure , Kandie.”
“After years of being in an emotionally abusive marriage. It altered your way of thinking.” the two sentences should be combined, “After years of being in an emotionally abusive marriage, it altered your way of thinking.”
“I might have sleep with her dad and brother.” should be, “I might have slept with her dad and brother.”
There were a bit of minor errors like that — as well as some sentences ending with no punctuation mark at the end.
Another thing that was a bit distracting, was the amount of slang that was used. Now, I know this probably makes me sound like an 80 year old snob who doesn’t understand modern slang — but, I understand it, it’s just off putting and makes it seem like less of a professional story in my eyes.
Story Plot: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
The directing of the story confuses me quite a bit. There is no clear plot. It’s just Kandie going places — meeting a guy — a little bit of her backstory is revealed — and then the episode is over. It gets repetitive — as each and every episode follows the same direction. It’s odd because I just can’t really find a plot for the story. During one of the later episodes I read — it reveals a flashback of Kandie’s abusive relationship. This scene doesn’t follow a classic storytelling lesson all too well. Show don’t tell. All you see in this scene is Kandie crying, and the abusive husband telling her that this is why he cheats on her. Also, this abusive husband character, he doesn’t have much depth. He just goes “I want you back, Kandie. Please.”. I don’t know how Kandie fell for him in the first place. Usually, when someone falls into a toxic relationship, there is something about them that they like about that person. Whether it’s their charm, their looks, etc etc, it’s just not there. There is nothing here that I think the MC would find attractive. He has no good qualities (I am aware that usually the good qualities the woman fell for usually disappear in a toxic relationship, but that’s the problem — I don’t know what made her like him in the first place).
Back to “show don’t tell” — during the flashback where Kandie is with her toxic partner — via readerMessage — it’s literally told to me that Kandie is a strong woman, but she just has the wrong man in her life. I don’t have much to add other than to show don’t tell.
Directing and Coding: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
There are a few spot directing mistakes, for example — when characters are sitting in chairs, it often looks like the scale option wasn’t even used. They just look way too big for the seat. There’s a few layering issues when Kandie is running with the one LI — and when Kandie is woken up by her friend — but other than that you’re good.
Characters also just seem to teleport on and off of the screen sometimes. This can be avoided by using the “@CHARACTER walks to screen [position] in [time]” command.
I also wish you would have been a bit more ambitious. There were a few cool over the shoulder shots when the toxic ex husband returns to Kandie — but it doesn’t last long, and that’s it. I think some more zooms would benefit the visual appeal of your story greatly.
Episode Length: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
The episodes are pretty short. I feel like maybe you should add a bit more into the episodes to make them longer — so that you gain more from one pass.
Cover: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
From the images you provided, the cover looks okay. It’s very vibrant — but there just isn’t a draw to it. On the small cover, I would recommend making Kandie a lot bigger, as there is a lot of space around her.
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Grade:
D+
Your story could use some improvements before it is published to the world — but for the record, I like that you are incorporating diversity in your story. It’s not very often that there is an African American MC — and that’s cool. Good luck with your story!
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When I’m writing them, they seem rather short. 
Episode one is almost 6000 lines long, but customization takes up around 2500 and there’s also a lot of directing commands. You’re now the third person to let me know that ep one is way too long (lmao i’m sort of embarrassed), so I’ll have to figure out how I can edit it down to something more palatable. I’ll be sure to add more choices in my future episodes as well, meaningful ones especially!
