Spelling / Grammar: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
There are quite a bit of spelling mistakes I found in the story. There are some choices and sentences that don’t begin with a capital letter, and I find that quite distracting. There are also a few speechbubbles that don’t end with any sort of punctuation marks.
“Captain” should be something like “Captain!”
And then there are a few sentences that just don’t look like much thought was put into them, or re-read.
“Wait!!!did he say PLUTO!!?!!??” should be something like “Wait! Did he say PLUTO?”.
“Maybe i am just dreaming…yes,it can be.” should be “Maybe I am just dreaming… (space) yes, (space) that could be it.”
There are also a lot of instances where there won’t be an apostrophe is missing in words like “It’s” – and end up being spelled like “Its”.
Also, the name of the story is a big turn-off for me. “Choose?!!!” is not a professional name for a story. It’s fine for a story to have a fun title, but this just seems like absolutely no effort or thought was put into the story title.
Story Plot: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
I’m really confused by this story plot. Going off of the first episode here, there isn’t a catch that makes the reader want to read more. The first episode is the main selling point – and frankly, it just doesn’t make any sense and is just very repetitive. I get that “repetitive” is the point of that first episode – but the reader is subjected into watching these same exact scenes happen over and over again. A casual reader, in my opinion, would find this boring – and end up turning off the story before this plot can even kick in. I was confused when I first read that the story was going to be a fantasy, and I started reading only to see it was the quite boring and repetitive life of this girl. It’s not until the end of the first episode until the fantasy point of the story begins. And even then, the reader probably would think twice before using a pass – which isn’t a good sign.
When reading episode two – I was just as confused. The MC wakes up on this spaceship set to land on Pluto. She suddenly just struts the ship without a worry of who inhabits the ship. She just helps out the pilots with absolutely no thought. The only suspicion I hear from her is “I have a bad feeling about this”. That’s it. She isn’t concerned. If anything she’s just excited that she’s going to be landing on her “favorite planet”.
Then… all of the sudden they are back on Earth because she finds Gabe… but he doesn’t remember her… and she eats dinner… the plot just feels like a mess. There is no explanation. This MC doesn’t display any emotion. Oh, she wakes up on a spaceship. Eh. Oh, her family can’t remember her. Eh, that’s too bad.
I think it would be great if you explored character motivations and emotions – as that is what makes the characters feel real. Emotions. Feelings. Mistakes.
Directing and Coding: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
There are a lot of directing errors in the script. Sometimes characters will just teleport from point A to point B – and sometimes characters will be doing a non-walking animation while walking (I wasn’t clicking too fast, either). The zooms aren’t great. I would recommend you use the directing helper on the app or writers portal to use zooms, rather than basic zooms commands like @zoom on CHARACTER to 200%.
A lot of times characters will randomly appear ontop of objects. This can be fixed by asking someone on the forums to make you an overlay of whatever they are standing on, and then it will look fine. Or you could just move your characters to a spot that doesn’t include any objects or obsticles.
Episode Length: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
The first episode isn’t that long. This is a big deal because yet again – it is the pilot. What makes a reader determine if they will continue to read the story. If episode one is short – they probably won’t spend a pass, assuming the next one is short as well.
Cover: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
The cover could use some improvement. It has a nice focus on the characters due to the dark background – but I think since your story is a fantasy/adventure type – there should be maybe a background that fits that theme more? And maybe the large cover could be parallel to the small cover, rather than just being a quote.
I would love to see your story improve – as I love the fantasy genre, but frankly there are just a lot of things that I think need improving. Best of luck with your story