You must follow me on the Episode app: @lovelikeart, it’s the only thing I ask in return. If you’re not gonna follow me, don’t even bother replying because I won’t be reviewing your story.
I will be reading the at least two episodes of your story.
I’m not a professional in any way, shape or form. I’m just stating my critical opinion as a reader and an author.
It’s not my intention to come off as rude, I just wanna give constructive criticism and help you improve your story!
Don’t take my opinion to heart - it’s just one person’s perspective, don’t let that discourage you! The most important part about being an author is believing in your art. If you don’t, how can you expect others to do the same?
Anyways, let’s get to the reviewing! Just fill out this form:
Title:
Author:
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Description:
Link:
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Disclaimer: Reviews might be a bit all over the place and not too organized since it’s my first time. I’ll be taking into account first impressions, plot, characters, directing, what I liked, what you should improve and whether I’ll continue reading.
Hey! This is such a nice thing to do it would mean a lot if you could review our story as it’s our first ever one and we need all the advice/feedback we can get! We have just uploaded our fourth chapter, it would be much appreciated if you could read all 4 but if you only have time to read one then that’s totally fine!
Title - Beautiful Broken Lies
Author - Hannah & Carly
Genre - Drama (it’s also a comedy, romance & mystery)
Description - Elena’s life seems perfect. Partying, boys, friends, you name it. That is until a dark tragedy changes her life forever. What is the truth? Will it break her?
Link - http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6662026650320896
Name: The Ember Moon Pack
Description: You’re an average highschool girl. What’ll happen to your life when you get kidnapped by a pack of Hybrids that claim that you are their sacred Queen? CC, ChoicesMatter, 5Endings
Chapters: technically 3 bc ch 2 is customization
Genre: Fantasy
Style: Limelight
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5387476824358912
Instagram: emberpackepisode
Title: The Nation D: Moon Eyes
Author: P Marroquín
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
Style: Limelight
Number of episodes: 5 (ongoing)
Description: Heather is trapped in a place were she can’t go out, but what happens when her best friend and his dead sister offer her a way to get out of there for good and start a brand new life…! Where’s your new destination? And what dark secrets does it hide? Will you finally find answers to your past?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6435647390351360
Hi! Seems interesting. (Just don’t be brutal, lol)
Title: Cruelty of Ice Author Name: Miranda Lynn Genre: Drama Style: Ink Description: Lies, envy, betrayal, love and drama… Savannah is the new girl at Sierra High, but what happens when she meets an old enemy? You decide! Link:http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4850620796633088 Cover: (credit to @Miss_LK)
Title: THE NEW GUY
Author: KELZBLOGS
Genre: Gay/Romance
Style: INK
Summary: Justin is secretly gay but when the hot new guy from CALI comes along can he keep his secret and hide his feelings for the new guy who’s straight maybe. http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6113318553124864.jpg)
Get ready, because this is a long ass review. It literally took me forever, I’m sorry. But at least it’s very detailed.
Disclaimers
These are just suggestions. Just because I don’t like something/think it needs some work doesn’t mean it’s wrong or you have to change it. It’s your story, feel free to do what you think is right!
I’m a perfectionist, so some things I say probably won’t even be noticed by other people – they’re just tiny details.
Apologies in advance if you find any grammar mistakes. I’ve been writing this since yesterday and I’ve read it over a million times, so I might’ve slipped up somewhere.
First impression
The cover is simple yet appealing. The character’s quality could be better though, and shouldn’t she be doing the same animation as in the mirror? Or was that on purpose? It’s still a cute cover nonetheless.
The title conveys beauty, tenderness and vulnerability. It’s delicate, I like it.
The description is a little cliché (with the whole “mean girl has a seemingly perfect life until a tragedy happens and everything changes” thing) but there’s still a wide variety of ways to spin it and make it unique by adding your own twists. I’m low-key intrigued.
Plot and storylines
Once again, the intro makes it sound cliché, but nothing too drastic – I still want to know what happened to Elena.
I liked the “let me take you back to the beginning.” Now you have my attention.
I hope you’ll approach the whole “Are you trying to make me fat?” thing later on, how girls are constantly held to certain beauty standards and how this affects the main character(s).
I noticed a bit of heteronormativity. “All the guys want to date us all the girls want to be us”, the mom and principal having a crush on each other, Elena liking Jake, Cassie flirting with the teacher and Lydia drooling over any single male she sees. I’ll give you a few ideas on how to improve this throughout the review.
Jake and Elena seem to be heading towards being extremely cliché. I have a few suggestions in case you decide to take this route:
Suggestions
• Make Jake bisexual. Bisexual males are incredibly unrepresented!
• Don’t shove them into a relationship, let them have their own separate character development and become more than the popular mean girl and the captain of the football team stereotypes. Make us fall in love with the characters separately.
• If you do decide to hurry them into a relationship I suggest eventually breaking them up amicably (not cheating), and once they’ve developed individually, get them back together.
• Get rid of gender roles. And this doesn’t apply just to their relationship. Let’s stop the whole “guy takes the first step, pays for everything, gets her gifts, picks her up” stereotype. Give me a girl getting flowers for her man!
The dialogues seem unrealistic sometimes. They sound too shallow/superficial. I get that’s what you were going for in some occasions, but it doesn’t have to be straight out of a Wattpad Story. Some things they say/do are not portrayed in the same way they would happen in real life. For example: Elena and her mom interacting or Cassie’s first scene. If worded differently they would’ve sounded so much better. Try phrasing things more realistically. Don’t write what you think they’re supposed to talk like, write how real people would! But, overall, I enjoy Lydia and Elena’s conversations.
I’ve noticed some grammar mistakes, especially missing comas after referring directly to the subject. For example, it should be:
“Let’s go, bitch.”
“About that, Jake…”
“I’ll be there, bitch!”
“Hey, loser.”
At first they were small mistakes, but it carried on throughout the Episode and it made the conversations sound less credible, if that makes sense.
The word slut: I hated Elena calling Cassie a slut because it came across as if she was slut-shaming her rather than just insulting her. If this was the case, I hope this subject (slut-shaming) is also talked about and if not – try using another word, like the typical “bitch”. Slut just doesn’t have as much “passion”, if you will (lmao). But this is something extremely small and irrelevant. I just think this sounds better:
“What should I do to this bitch?”
“When it comes to that bitch/cunt…”
“Because she’s an asshole/a bitch/cunt" Also, in order not to repeat the word bitch so much in the banter between Lydia and Elena maybe try using hoe as well (or other synonyms)? (I can’t believe this is a “tip” I hate myself lmao)
Characters
I hope we get a reason behind the characters’ actions! Elena and Lydia are the popular girls. How and why did that happen? What’s the deal with Cassie? What about Jessica? What’s her life like? I really want to see her getting E & L out of trouble.
I really like the characters names and last names, I don’t know why; it just doesn’t seem like a combination I’ve seen before.
Lydia makes me laugh. I really enjoy her character, but sometimes her dialogues make her character seem superficial; she needs a deeper backstory and better lines. The "what are you looking at, bitch? Do you want my fist in your face?” part came out of nowhere and made no sense. I get she was upset, but still, it sounded weird. It should’ve had at least a little bit more build up. We also need to see another side of her, like the stuff with her mom. You should talk about her insecurity as well – I don’t know if it was intentional, but her getting jealous of Cassie the second she showed up displayed her need to be at the top, to have some sort of validation - perhaps the one she didn’t get from her parents?
Elena’s behaviour should be differently when she’s at home! Her acting the same at school and at home with that “mean girl” attitude seems too one-dimensional. I want to know what Elena’s really like. When she’s alone we should be able to see more of that vulnerable side promised in the cover/title. She’s not at school anymore; she doesn’t have to put up that act in front of everybody. I get that the tragedy hasn’t happened yet, but it shouldn’t have to in order to see her “human” side. Characters are complex; she can be bold and still have feelings. Showing emotion won’t make her any less of a bad bitch or a mean girl.
Loving the friendship between Lydia and Elena! They’re an amazing duo. What about Jessica though? Let’s get to know her more.
It’s probably just me (I can see the gay in everything lmao) but Cassie gives me major lesbian vibes. I would LOVE if she ended up discovering herself throughout the story and dating a member of the cheerleading squad.
“They’ll ruin your life” What did the girl mean when she said that to Cassie? What have they [E & L] done to other people? Are they just bullies? Were they [the “victims”] innocent?
“Cassie, watch and learn.” I LOVED that. Lydia and Cassie HAVE to become frenemies! But not out of the blue – gradually, giving Cassie a chance for character development. This dynamic could be very interesting and entertaining if approached correctly. Maybe Cassie eventually starts dating Jessica and then they have no choice but to be amicable to each other.
Carter – we know basically nothing about him yet I already like him. I hope we see more of him.
Directing
I’ve noticed the characters are standing far left or far right when they should be in the center. You usually do this to make room for a third character that’ll soon be on screen. I suggest using zoom in conversations to fix this issue and using the over the shoulder template, which makes it look much more professional.
Nice establishing shot at the school. Those background characters, though. Oh my God, that looks like so much work. I hope that was a template, for you guys’ sake.
When they walk towards someone, they end up way too close to the character, covering them a bit. And it gets more noticeable when they’re doing an animation. For example, when the principal calls her mom Elena’s all up in his face. And sometimes the characters are too far away with a huge gap between them, for example, Elena and her brother. Try to fix this in the future.
The way Elena got up from the bed was a little weird. Try using the stand_up animation.
When Elena’s punching Cassie, Lydia is just standing there in the middle when she should’ve moved. Also, I’m not an expert at directing but I think it’d have looked better if that moment was zoomed in.
I saw some small mistakes when it comes to the layers as well; one character that should be behind/in front of another character. This is noticeable when, because of an animation, the character’s shoulders touch. But it’s nothing major.
You should use the speech bubble instead of the narrator one when a character is off-screen.
Zooming out needs some work. Experiment with the focus tool in the director helper!
I liked the texts between E & L.
Sometimes, characters keep doing a talking animation after the speech bubble is gone/start doing it before the speech bubble appears and it look a bit odd.
In a few scenes, when a character finishes performing an animation and another one starts talking, they’re just left in that pose and it feels like something is missing. I suggest adding some animations here and there of how characters react or what they’re doing when someone is telling them something. (This isn’t in every scene though, I’ve seen that when it comes to others, you do add animations to the other characters)
The splash at the end should’ve maintained the aspect ratio when being resized.
Here’s what I mean by this:
Aspect ratio
• Let’s say I have to resize this picture:
• Here’s how it looks like if I don’t maintain the aspect ratio:
• And this is how it looks like if I do maintain it:
• See the difference? You don’t need any complicated editing software to resize an image correctly – there’s a bunch of pages online that allow you to do it, Or you can always ask anyone in the forums (including me) to do it for you!
Choices
Why give the reader the choice to do homework or prepare for the party if she’s going to end up doing the exact same thing anyway? Here’s a little draft of what I would’ve done:
• Do homework: she’s only doing it because she knows her mom is still home and she might come to check in on her. She carefully waits until she leaves and then texts Lydia to pick her up. Everything goes smoothly.
• Prepare for the party: Her mom starts work later than usual that day so she catches her getting ready and now Elena has to find a way to get her mother off her back! She’s probably gonna be late to the party and texts Lydia, who ends up not picking her up after all.
That way, even if the choice doesn’t affect the story in the long run (or even throughout the Episode), it makes the reader feel like it does matter. (You’ve made it clear that other choices do matter, though, so it’s not a big problem, but it’s a little annoying to give someone a choice that isn’t a choice at all).
Opinion
I think that the weakest part is the dialogue, it definitely needs some work. As for the directing - it needs some improvements too but it’s your first story so, apart from the points I’ve mentioned, it’s nothing to be worried about; you’ll get the hang of it soon. Work on this two things and you already have a good, solid story.
However, in case you want me to give you some tips about how you can make it even better:
The plot, it’s not the most original thing I’ve ever seen but with some fresh, unseen subplots and unexpected twists it looks promising.
Your story has potential, just don’t be afraid to try new things! Don’t stick to the “safe” option, give us something more original (This is about the highschool teenage drama which we’ve all seen before)
Additionally, if you want, you can use any of the ideas I gave you to create some subplots. You have room to touch on a bunch of interesting topics!
Will I continue reading? Probably, yes. I want to know what the tragedy was, and for you to show us more of the mysterious side of the story. (Also I want to see if you take any of my tips lmao)
Chapters 2, 3 and 4
Chapter 2
I enjoyed the way you presented the clothing/hair/makeup choices within the story. I enjoy when other than the outfit, you also get to choose the hair and lipstick. However, there’s so many hair and lipstick choices that it gets tedious. That wasn’t the case here, since there were only three choices for each one of them. It was simple and smooth.
I didn’t really like the whole “mean girl all over my crush” cliché. Elena isn’t dating Jake, he isn’t “hers”, she hasn’t even confessed her feelings! And how is Cassie to blame here? Sure, she’s a bitch, but she’s free to talk to/flirt with whoever she wants. That doesn’t make her a slut. I’m really done with the slutshaming. Hope you approach this subject in the nearby future.
I still have hope for lesbian!Cassie. Maybe her flirting with the teacher/Jake was not just about proving to everyone that she can get anyone she wants because she’s the “queen” but also attempting to prove to herself that she is into guys! This also applies to her kissing that random guy. Her struggle with her sexuality would explain why she’s acting out.
I really want to see Elena growing as a person, which I’m guessing will happen after the tragedy. She can still be a bitch without being an entitled brat.
Like I previously mentioned, you really have to work on centering the characters and fixing the way they get up. Try using the template and animation I talked about earlier.
The characters are really coming across too shallow, especially the thing with the video of Cassie kissing that dude – it was a reach. I get that he’s a “nerd” and all, but it’s not that deep. Hopefully you’ll polish up the characters and their actions so they feel more realistic.
Props for the directing at the party! That must’ve taken some work. Other than what I’ve pointed out so far, you manage yourselves fine with the directing.
For a second, I thought Jake and Cassie were going to be a thing. Thank God you didn’t do that, that would’ve been the ultimate cliché and extremely predictable.
I want to see Jessica and Cassie become an item, even though they haven’t even spoken to each other lmao.
I love Phoenix already! I can tell he’s gonna be interesting. I don’t want him as a love interest for Elena though. But I imagine you’ll let the readers choose, so it’s fine. Just don’t make him the typical bad boy please, he has so much potential.
The story had a promising start with chapter 1, but plot-wise, chapter 2 was a bit of a let down.
Chapter 3
I love how you always make sure there’s background characters. That shows dedication.
I liked the zoom when E, L & J were talking.
I appreciate that you’re using zooms more often, but you should improve the focus because sometimes the characters’ heads get a little cut off.
I don’t like how Lydia treated the nerd. It seemed too unrealistic – try rephrasing!
I understand why Jake is upset, if it was the other way around no one would question it… They slept together and then she just took off, he has a right to be mad.
I just came up with an idea! In order to add a little bit more suspense, start adding some flashforwards, giving us a glimpse of what happens in the future and keeping the mysterious aspect present.
Once again, the spot directing needs some work; getting up still looks weird, and after Cassie locked the door she just disappeared instead of walking away. Furthermore, sometimes when they walk to spot it’s way too fast, for example Elena walking towards the window when they were spying on Cassie.
YES. Finally more Lydia! It was a pleasent surprise. I did not see that one coming with her mom and Cassie’s dad.
I loved the ending! That’s the kind of thing that gets me hooked on a story. Who was the creep at the house? Does he have something to do with the guy in the alley? The mysterious side of the story is the one I’m personally more interested in.
Chapter 4
I really want to see Elena and Nate as friends!
“Sit your ass down.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
• I’m in love with this duo as well. Just make Nate a part of the squad already!
Loved the directing in the scene where Jake and Cassie where in the café!
Again, choices that aren’t actually choices – I chose “play it cool” but she ended up trying to make him jealous anyway…
These are kinda short and more plot-focused because I already covered most things when reviewing Chapter 1.
End of review
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If you have any doubts/want more tips don’t hesitate to message me.
Hope you liked the review and let me know what you think.
Wow!! This review must have taken you forever! Thanks so much for all your advice, we MIGHT already have plans for Jess and Cassie in the future you will defo find out a lot more about elena and Lydia’s backstory and find out why they are so horrible and will start to see a nicer side to both of them! Once the story catches up with the flash forward that was shown at the start, it will take a huge twist! The whole high school drama thing won’t be the main storyline anymore and it will be the mystery side of it from then on and there will 100% be HUGE twists. We are trying to build up the story and let you all know the characters before getting to that side of it! I love your ideas, I’ll definitely take them into consideration! Also, it would be amazing if you could resize the Instagram splash to make it look better for us if that’s not too much to ask?
Hi, I really appreciate you doing this! Because let’s be honest I’m insane, and everything I do eventually becomes a train wreck, so it really helps when I have advise on writing & directing. Thank you in advance!
Title: The Narrators
Author: E.P.O.C.H
Genre: Drama
Description: Their job is to tell the story, but add in crazy phenomena, spy like precession, mystical powers, and a traitor… makes for one heck of a TIME.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4656808173633536
Cover:
Oh hey! I love the way you review! I review as well, but they are usually way shorter than yours! I will probably ask you for a review in the future- I’m working on a story- but I’m kinda at the beginning with it. thanks in advance!
Story Name: Simple to Chaos
Description: Two Best friends take a turn for the worst when a school shoot-out happens and they’re the names a gang member is calling for.
Hey, can you please review my story? ))) Title: Fantastical: Mysterious Investigation Author: Lаwful Evil Genre: Fantasy __ Style: limelight_ Description: People are missing in Innsmoot, the monster lives in the forest. Who’s behind all this? ~ Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4814855314997248
Hi, I’ve never had a brutally honest review before, but I really want to improve my story. Here are my story details:
Story: Both of Us
Author: Zoe King
Genre: Drama
Style: Ink
Episodes: 14 (ongoing)
Description: Marie thought it was just a trip to Greece… until she was kidnapped by a gang! How will she unearth dangerous secrets and stay alive? You decide!
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6732271222784000
I would appreciate a review of my unpublished story!
*FIRST CHAPTER IS DONE, AND I’M HALFWAY DONE THE SECOND
Description:
Being the daughter of Zeus isn’t easy. Add responsibilities and your mother having cancer topped on with a forbidden temptation to a boy who can rock your world , literally.
Fantasy / Romance
Limelight
Living A Dream - by Mystique
21-year-old Mila suffers from a broken heart and in turn, lost all her confidence. Now she’s making a miraculous recovery as she transforms into a magical being of astounding beauty & power. Will she finally live the life she’s always dreamed of? *Character Customization Available
I’m sorry for the wait, I’ve been having some personal issues but I’m still trying to get these done.
Disclaimers
These are just suggestions and constructive criticism. Just because I don’t like something/think it needs some work doesn’t mean it’s wrong or you have to change it. It’s your story, feel free to do what you think is right!
I’m a perfectionist, so some things I say probably won’t even be noticed by other people – they’re just tiny details.
Apologies in advance if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes, these are extremely long so I probably slipped up somewhere.
First impression
Title: It sounds a bit odd, like there’s something disposable there. In my opinion, just “The Ember Moon” or “The Ember Pack” would’ve sounded great! Especially the first one, I’m in love with it. But the current one still catches my attention.
Cover: The background is nice. I’m not really digging the fonts, but I’m pleased with how the title matches the colors of the moon behind them. I like the character’s positions and the MC looks gorgeous! I hope there isn’t a love triangle between them, though. I love how her shirt and necklace go with her lipstick and hair. The crown could be in better quality though, but I liked the detail. I’m not loving the large cover, the aspect ratio is distorted which means the image wasn’t sized correctly and I don’t like the black effect on the border nor the fonts, but this is just my personal, very subjective opinion and it’s not relevant to the quality of the story.
Description: When I read the first sentence I was like “ugh, not this again. We’ve seen it a million times before” and it got worse as I got to the kidnapped bit because I thought you were going to romanticize that, but I was surprised by the last part. I’m actually looking forward to reading this, it sounds very promising!
Plot and storylines
Starting the story with the MC waking up and being late to school is overused (and it’s something even I’m still trying to get rid of). I know you’re creative enough to come up with a much more original, thrilling intro! How about a flashforward? There’s a bunch of possibilities there, all of them filled with action.
Why did the MC just faint out of nowhere? There should’ve been more of a build-up for that, maybe a heated argument. I was expecting at least a shocked animation or something.
Ohhh, so she didn’t faint, he knocked her out. That wasn’t clear enough.
It makes no sense that she just plays along with being kidnapped. Why isn’t she trying to escape? Or at the very least talk some sense into him? Where’s her fight or flight response? Her reaction is completely unnatural and makes her character lose all credibility.
Storywise, it was careless of him to just put her in the passenger seat. Regardless of whether she wakes up or not, it’s risky. Is his motivation not strong enough to care? Realistically, she should’ve woken up 1) in the trunk of the car with her mouth covered and hands tied or 2) at the destination in some sort of isolated room, chained, with someone keeping an eye on her. And isn’t she supposed to be a Queen? Doesn’t he know that? Then why wouldn’t he be extra careful and assume she’s extremely powerful?
To make matters worse, she was worried about being late to school but she’s not worried about being taken against her will to an unknown location with a potentially dangerous stranger? Sis needs to get her priorities straight. Zero character consistency.
“Even though he was my kidnapper, he was gorgeous.” Please, don’t. Just don’t. This kind of situations shouldn’t be romanticized and you can do so much better than this!
“Why did we stop?” Why didn’t she take that chance and ran away? It’s not like she was being held at gunpoint or something.
Their conversations are completely unrealistic. I get that it’s a fantasy story, but that doesn’t mean you have to throw every single realistic human response out of the window. no one would react like that if they were in that situation.
I found the part where she’s laughing and then she stops and says “Oh, you’re serious” a little bit cheesy.
"You’ll get used to it” What does he mean by this and why isn’t she questioning him further?
The texts – didn’t her friends notice that she didn’t attend the rest of her classes and just disappeared? Most importantly, she has her phone right there and she isn’t calling for help? And why didn’t Ethan think about taking her phone? Also, “I can’t make it. I promise I will explain later.” This makes no sense. I’d get it if she had any idea of what’s happening (for example, if she knew that it’s related to the supernatural because her werewolf senses have always been there and she can tell Ethan’s a werewolf too), but I’m assuming she doesn’t, so why is she acting like that?
“Great, my crush is throwing a party and I can’t even make it.” That’s her biggest concern right now? Really?
“Excuse me?” That’s what she’s annoyed by? Not the fact that she was literally kidnapped?
“Thank you for bringing [MC’s first name and MC’s last name] back to us. You will get your reward soon enough.” I really liked the way that was worded.
“Can someone tell me why I’m here?” Why. Isn’t. She. Trying. To. Escape.
“She’s not going anywhere until I’m guaranteed her safety and the reward” He kidnapped her and delivered her like a package in exchange for a reward. Why does he suddenly care?
“He cares about me?” I hate the MC. She’s really getting on my nerves (if you couldn’t tell lmao). I’d understand if she eventually started liking him after some character development on his part, but now? He’s her kidnapper. She should despise him, or at the very least be afraid of him.
There wasn’t any indication of him being attracted to her or even caring about her, so why is he winking at her now? It felt a little forced.
I just really can’t get my head around the MC’s neutrality towards the entire situation. It seems like a massive plothole. Unless the explanation is something along the lines of what I said earlier. Otherwise, why is she just accepting everything that happens to her? Will this be explained further in the story?
The episode felt way too short and nothing happened – besides the kidnapping, which was executed poorly. It lacked action.
Random idea I came up with: when she realized she had been kidnapped we could’ve seen those werewolf senses come into action due to the adrenaline! Maybe she manages to escape and ends up in the woods, but at some point gets distracted by her newly discovered powers, and Ethan takes the chance to call for backup by howling. The MC is quickly surrounded by a bunch of werewolves and that’s when we have the run/fight choice (I talk about this in the choices section) and either way, she ends up getting captured again, but it affects the MC’s personality.
Characters
I dislike the MC already. She’s weak, useless and most importantly – poorly-written. The character and her behaviour aren’t even remotely consistent. You really gotta work on this! I was expecting a badass female character. I understand if that’s something we’ll see in the future after some training, but who wouldn’t react negatively to being abducted?
I go more into detail about what would’ve made the MC more likeable (at least for me) in the choices part.
Ethan seems to have potential to be a likeable character.
I hope that Ruso wanting to make the MC marry him is about power and not some sort of possesive, twisted romance because that behaviour would ruin his character beyond repair. Other than that, I could see him being a lovable villain.
Directing
I liked the first splash! It was cute.
I wasn’t a fan of the second splash, though. The color, fonts and overall style were not of my liking. I think that colors similar to the ones in the cover would’ve worked better.
I know a lot of people like CC, but I personally don’t mind if a story doesn’t have it, and I might actually prefer that. The fact that the characters were previously customized makes me feel like they’ll be much more consistent and shows me the effort put behind every detail – but this is just my perspective.
I just noticed that there’s no background when the “author” character shows up. Why didn’t you add any?
I hate when we have to customize other characters beside the MC. What’s the point? It just seems like a waste of time to me.
I actually ended up customizing the MC the way she looks like in the cover because I prefered it that way. She looked so pretty!
I loved that you used the character avatar instead of a customization template! It’s much faster and it looks smoother.
I think the intro would’ve looked better if the narrator bubbles appeared as the camera was moving.
After the MC changes clothes, there’s a split second where she’s facing the wrong direction before she exits the sceen. It’s barely there but I saw it.
I appreciate you taking time to create and place the background characters, but it’s too obvious that they’re stock characters and they’re even wearing the default outfits. I don’t know when the first episode was published, but now we have the randomizer!
Ava and Rosa should’ve walked up to the MC at the same time. Try using the & command.
Sometimes when characters start doing a new animation right after the one before, it looks a little weird and not as smooth as it should. Check out the command I mentioned above!
It would’ve looked much more professional if you had used an overlay for the locker door so we could’ve seen it opening and closing, but it’s okay the way it is now.
When Ethan appeared, they [him and the MC] were too far left when they should’ve been more in the center.
After she fainted he just walked away and exited right, which was weird, but in the next scene they are both in the car? You should have shown him “picking her up” using one of the reach animations or just cut to the car scene after she fainted.
Oh, he knocked her out! That explains it. Still shouldn’t have made him exit like that. And you should’ve used the punch animation, it would’ve made more sense. Show, don’t tell!
I was pleased with the moving background when the narrator box showed up.
Like with the locker, you could’ve used an overlay to show us the door open and close, but this is just a small detail.
I enjoyed the reader messages saying how the choices affected the MC’s relationship with other characters. It shows me that my choices matter (even if they’re small and not relevant to the plot) in a smooth way.
Instead of having the “background” of the phone (when Ava texted the MC) be black, it would’ve been a nice touch to add, let’s say, a picture of Ava, for example. But, once again, these are just small details. And I still liked the directing for the texting.
I feel like both the school alarm/phone rington aren’t quite right, and that there’s some in the Writer’s Portal that would’ve been more accurate.
I liked the spot directing when Ethan and MC walk to the door and become smaller, but when they reach the door the MC is way shorter than she should be.
At some point, Ruso starts doing one talk animation before the speech bubble shows up.
I liked that you used zooms.
Not everyone may agree, but I think that attention to detail is important. This isn’t just you though; I’ve seen this in a bunch of other stories, a little mix-up with the layers. It often happens when one character exits the scene and they should be in the in front of x character, but they’re behind them and when they leave it looks weird.
I noticed in several ocassions two things regarding transitions and spot directing: 1) There’s a small mistake with the transitions. There’s a black transition, the scene for a split second, another black transition and then the same scene again and 2) When it cuts to a different background/scene, it’s empty for a second and then the characters appear in position. To avoid this, place your characters before cutting to a new scene.
I liked the end splash!
There seem to be some grammatical mistakes, especially when it comes to punctuation. Here are some examples of how it should’ve been written:
• “Oh no, I’m late for school!” or “Oh, no! I’m late for school!”
• “Better get going, I guess. But I should probably change.”
• “Bye, love.”
• “Ugh, where are my gym clothes?”
• “Are you [MC’s first and last name]?” (no space before the question mark)
• “Yes, I am. Why?”
• “Anyways, I need to talk to [MC’s name] in private, so please be the alpha in training today. Do you understand, Ethan?”
• I also noticed two dots after each sentence when it should be only one (unless it’s an ellipsis).
• In one of the choices, there’s a spelling mistake: “apolagize” instead of “apologize”
Choices
I think one great addition would’ve been choosing the MC’s behaviour towards being kidnapped, and making two branches: one being Intelligence and the other Courage.
I have some suggestions here!
For example (left is +1 Intelligence, right is +1 Courage);
When she woke up: stay calm/get aggressive.
When they were in the car (maybe she was tied up): try to reason with him/jump off the car.
When Ethan is calling for backup: hide/attack him (and then run away)
When she’s surrounded: try to run/ try to fight them.
You know what I mean? I think it’d be a great way for the reader to influence the story in a small way, since what happens next ends up being almost same. And maybe at some point there’s two special scenes (one for each personality trait) and you need a specific amount of points to unlock them. I don’t know, it seems like a cool idea to be able to determine the MC’s personality, since she seems to be lacking one.
Opinion
It has a very interesting foundation – a pack kidnaps a girl who it turns out is a hybrid between a werewolf and a vampire, not to mention a Queen? I didn’t see that coming! I’m all for original ideas, and yours is amazing. However, the execution was extremely poor in comparison to how amazing the concept is and it didn’t do it justice. Here are some things I think you should work on:
Focus more on the plot and less on the romance! If I’m not wrong, there’s gonna be about four possible love interests, right? Although I know some people will enjoy that, I think you should take into account those who, like me, aren’t there for the romance but for the fantasy! So, maybe let the reader choose whether they want romance included in the story? Just a thought. What I’m saying is, don’t try to force a love triangle, or something like that. I want to see more action, less teenage highschool drama. But maybe that’s just me. Also, if the romance IS gonna be a part of the story, you should add female love interests as well.
The characters need more depth! Right now, they feel too one-dimensional, especially the MC, but I already spoke about that a million times. Try to work on that. There’s a million pages on the internet that can help you make your characters more realistic.
The plot and storylines need some work too.
Will I continue reading?: I’m afraid not. I’m sorry, it’s just not my cup of tea, and I can’t stand the MC. I’m willing to give it another chance in the future if you decide to revamp it, though. But don’t feel discouraged by this, it’s just my opinion! I’m sure lots of people love your story. Besides, I just want you to improve your writing because you have a lot of potential, don’t let it go to waste! I wish you nothing but the best of luck with your story and other projects .
Chapters 2 and 3
Chapter 2
The amount of CC is ridiculous and it seems lazy. The MC? I get it. Love interests? I understand. But Ruso, Ethan and the crush – are they all gonna be love interests? Does every single male have to be romantically involved with the MC? And the best friends? That seems useless. I think you should focus more on the characterization and less on CC. And, if anything, I think this belongs in Chapter 1. Also, I’m curious, why didn’t you use the character avatars this time?
I was really excited for the questions because I thought there was going to be some sort of personality quiz, but I was deeply disappointed. Things like name/age/city… that won’t affect the story. They just seem intrusive.
I think this episode just wasn’t necessary.
Chapter 3
You don’t have to make the “author” character show up everytime. I think that that explaining things on Instagram or at the end of the Episode in a Narrator box is enough.
Isn’t this Chapter 3? Why does the splash say Chapter 2? I get that the last one didn’t really count because it was all CC, but it’s a bit confusing.
I loved that you had the option to see a recap!
Why didn’t you keep the characters’ original names? What was the point to even give them a name if we were gonna change it two chapter later? This is why I think CC should be in Episode 1.
The conversation between the MC and Ruso at the office is unrealistic. And I’m probably gonna continue saying this throughout the story until we get an explanation of the MC’s behavior!
“You’ll have to choose one of us to marry." I hope there’s the choice of staying single!
“There’s no way I’ll marry any of you!” Which means she’ll probably will and I’m assuming we’ll get to choose which one of them. Too predictable.
“Should I go with him or resist?" What was the point of that choice if the so called “resistance” was barely there! This is what I would’ve done:
• “Play along”: +1 Intelligence. She obliges just to be careful and stay out of danger.
• “Refuse”: +1 Courage. She refuses to go, even if that includes resorting to violence.
“How did I get here?” “I knocked you out” This is the exact same sequence as with Ethan.
“That [why you didn’t feel the punch]’s not important.” Ohhhh, okay. Nevermind what I said, it looks like there’s gonna be an explanation.
Something is missing between the transitions when they were at the table, but I liked the shots.
“I’ll keep an eye on MC so she doesn’t escape” She’s dumb enough to not have tried already, why would she start now?
“You never told me you were a werewolf” How does she know??? Did we miss something? This is a huge part of the story!
Why are they flirting when she’s being held against her will? Ew, no.
Please don’t tell me one of them appears in the shower!
There’s a punching animation! You should try. It’s the third time it should’ve been used.
Are there no female werewolves at all?
I think her having to marry one of them should be just about power, no feelings involved (at least at the beginning) because otherwise that’s creepy.
So she just went to sleep even being kidnapped? I can’t with the MC’s attitude.
The spot directing when she got out of bed wasn’t quite right.
I wanna know and when did she find out about the supernatural! Maybe you’ll show it in a flashback?
Why isn’t she surprised or at least skeptical about the whole being a vampire thing?
Also, I thought she was a werewolf.
Oh, she’s a hybrid? I LOVE that twist! This could get interesting.
You’re adopted [MC]," That still doesn’t change the fact that she has parents [the ones that raised her] and I hope you take that into account.
I loved that you were excited about writing to the point of not being able to stop! Keep that up!
Okay, I really love that she’s a hybrid, I didn’t see that coming and it’s definitely original!
End of review
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Story title: H & V:Taming Him (CC)
Author’s Name: UnknownSnowFlake
Genre: Romance and Action
Description of the story: You just find out that you’ve been betrothed to a sexy yet callous billionaire. But there’s just one problem. You’re a vigilante, and he’s trying to kill you.
Instagram: @episode_snowflake
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6155554812329984
Cover:
These are just suggestions and constructive criticism. Just because I don’t like something/think it needs some work doesn’t mean it’s wrong or you have to change it. It’s your story, feel free to do what you think is right!
I’m a perfectionist, so some things I say probably won’t even be noticed by other people – they’re just tiny details.
Apologies in advance if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes, these are extremely long so I probably slipped up somewhere.
First impression
Title:The Nation D seems a bit odd, I think The D Nation would’ve sounded better. But I’m already curious – what does it stand for? Are there other nations out there? I can sense some action.
Cover: The cover is beautiful! It looks like a movie poster and it definitely stands out. The background’s appealing and I like how the characters’ clothes match. (I hope there’s not a love triangle between them, though). However, I noticed a tiny mistake in the quote at the top; did you mean “She wasn’t who she thought she was”?
Description: It sounds interesting, gotta attract some readers for sure! In fact, it’s something I might’ve checked out on my own. I do have some corrections, though.
• “…but what happens when…?” → you put an exclamation mark instead of a question one.
• "Where’s her new destination? Will she finally find answers to her past? → even though the reader will be playing as Heather, in the description you’re still talking about her.
Plot and storylines
“People are stupid.” Same, Heather, same.
Starting with an explanation and going straight to the point, I love it! No unnecessary fillers.
I really liked how you introduced the characters.
I’m already engaged with the story, good job!
“The leaders”, you could’ve chosen a more original name or just “the council”, but it’s nothing.
Does Ocleast stand for anything?
Usually, I wouldn’t like so much narration (Show, don’t tell!), but in this case not only did you do both, but it was very captivating too. I want to know more.
Solid plot so far!
Please, let romance be a subplot. I’m sick of stories of other genres making romance its main focus.
Personally, I don’t really ship Grant and Heather. I don’t see the chemistry.
It didn’t really make sense to me why Oliver would risk getting in trouble with the guards if he’s leaving soon.
It had a really strong beginning, so I was expecting a little more for the finale. It didn’t feel like the end of the episode and it didn’t leave me hanging.
I adored how you introduced everything at the beginning – loads of information in an interesting way. But otherwise, in the current storyline, I feel like the episode lacked something.
Characters
I already like Mayra even though I know nothing about her.
Bradley seems very sweet, in a big-brother kind of way.
Rocco is a creep, I can’t wait for Heather to put him in his place!
Lottie is a badass!
I hope H & L become frenemies, they’re so interesting together and really fun to watch!
Heather is way too overdramatic. I get if that’s what you were going for, but the way it was written makes her character feel too superficial and annoying. She needs to calm the fuck down.
Directing
The splashes are as appealing as the cover. I loved the one with the two characters.
Instead of using simple words like “beautiful” and etc, try using synonyms! It makes the sentences look more colorful and it’s the technique I use to make people think I know what I’m doing, lmao.
Spelling: The grammar is a mess. English isn’t your first language, right? (I just checked and I was right. OMG, I’m latina too, where are you from?)
• The punctuaction really annoyed me and it makes the story lose credibility.
• Be careful with the verb tenses!
When narrating, try using less black backgrounds.
An overlay for the tube would’ve looked nice. (Update: You did use an overlay, but I meant when the guy was drinking it).
I like your attention to detail by adding overlays, but experiment with cuts, pans, zooms and transitions so they look smoother and don’t just pop out of nowhere.
If you’re going to be narrating a lot, you should have something happening in the background, like you did at the beginning.
This is something I’ve noticed in plenty of stories, so maybe it’s just me – but shouldn’t the characters be more centered? (For example, when two characters are talking)
Why is that girl randomly standing on the bed reading a book? lmao.
Sometimes the characters appear out of nowhere as well, try placing them before cutting/panning to a scene.
Another thing I’ve seen before: a small mix-up with the layers. This was very noticeable when Oliver was fighting the guards.
The dialogue feels a bit weak.
The characters are standing there expresionless when things are being described.
Use more zooms and try out other camera angles.
Sometimes there’s too much description; show, don’t tell!
In the library with the book/tablet, at some point the overlay was just lying there while Grant and Heather talked, careful with the spotting!
I like that you incorporated sounds.
Choices
Outfit choices aside, there were basically none!
This is something you really gotta work on.
I understand that we need to know certain things in order for the story to move forward, but maybe the choice determines how that information is given to the reader?
Opinion
I’m amazed by the plot! Incredible idea, honestly. It’s coming along very nicely. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it.
The little universe you created is so developed, I love the explanations!
The dialogues and the grammar are definitely the weakest spots, though. I’d be more than willing to help with either of them .
You need to give your characters more depth as well.
The directing could use some improvements, but overall it’s okay.
Will I continue reading?: Definitely yes! The concept is astounding, how can I not?
Chapters 2, 3 and 4
Chapter 2
Oliver was sliding instead of walking.
The spot directing gets messy when there’s too many characters on screen; e.g. the guards.
When we get to customize guys, it’s usually because they’ll be love interests. Is this the case with Grant and Oliver? If so, then please add a female LI as well .
I’m not too thrilled about Heather and Oliver. The whole “best friends in love” thing is too cliché for me. Let guys and girls be friends!
I like that you added a “previously.” It was quick and subtle, but enough to refresh the mind of the readers.
Check the speech bubble placement!
Once again, the dialogues are a little off. They sound cheesy and the grammar makes it worse.
Grant and Lottie, though. I sense some chemistry there!
I love how you managed to direct Lottie pushing Grant against the wall. Nice work!
I reckon you should’ve used the falling animation with Grant.
I hated when Oliver got jealous of Heather flirting with Grant. Please don’t force a love triangle! The plot itself is entertaining enough.
The letter – not only does it show up for a split second before Oliver even gets his hands on it (it was like a glitch) but also, his hand should be over the letter when he’s grabbing it.
I found the directing after the letter to be a bit weird.
The chapter lacks action.
The directing when she was climbing the window looks weird. But, to be honest, I don’t know how else you could’ve done it. Maybe the same, but a little slower?
Why is Heather behaving like such a drama queen when Oliver didn’t do anything?
Nice way to finish the episode. Keep it up!
Chapter 3
Good job with the directing in the scene where Heather is in bed and the physician is there.
Grant and Bradley introducing themselves felt too robotic and not smooth at all, like something was missing. Why didn’t they introduce themselves before? And why didn’t they mention that?
I knew it! Bradley gave me major big brother vibes.
The lack of punctuation makes it hard to enjoy the story.
The directing was a little careless when Bradley gives Heather the cup (he literally walks all over Grant) and when Grant hugs Heather.
LOTTY MY QUEEN I LOVE HER ALREADY
Lotty and Heather’s relationship is everything, lmao. “Miss Drama Queen.”
I love how you have an explanation for everything. It shows your dedication and attention to detail.
You should look out for the speech bubble’s position! Sometimes it gets a little confusing to know who’s speaking.
Oliver is annoying me with his possessiveness; “He’s not going to take her away from me.” Ew, no.
Off-topic, but the guard in purple is so hot.
How come Oliver entered through the window and avoided the guards so easily? There’s like a million of them! It just felt too convinient and not realistic at all.
Why is Heather being so annoying right now? I still don’t understand why she got mad in the first place.
Why is Oliver apologizing? He just wanted to know what happened. He should’ve toned it down, yes, but it was not that deep IMO.
How and why does Lotty know the amount of information she knows?
As a one time thing, I get it, but why is it so easy for anyone to go in and out through the kitchen window? Why aren’t guards watching it? It doesn’t make sense. It’s like a small plothole.
Karla’s character feels way to one-dimensional. Hopefully you’ll give her character more depth in the future. Perhaps she can also be a love interest?
“I just don’t know why he’s here” ??? To escape? How does she not know that? Isn’t that why they’re all there?
I really liked the suspense in the end. Now you’ve got the hang of it.
Chapter 4
I think that a reader message with “Previously on The D Nation” while you were recaping would’ve looked so cute! Btw, I know it’s the Nation D, but it sounds better the other way around, so I’m just gonna call it that.
Why is everyone surprised by the fact they’re leaving? Wasn’t that the entire point of the meeting? I don’t understand. Did I miss something?
Karla is so shallow and cliché it hurts.
The lack of choices, though.
Finally a choice!
The “YOU BITCH” was so overdramatic and cheesy, it makes Heather unlikeable. It was not realistic.
Since there are so many characters on screen, you should’ve used zooms.
That vine reference tho
When Lotty punched Heather, the layers were messed up.
Oliver is being so annoying, Grant didn’t do anything to him!
Shouldn’t her eyes have been purple the moment she woke up for Grant to notice?
Those zooms made the eye contact scene intense.
We should’ve seen more of the encounter with the deserters, it was the perfect moment to show us some action!
When Grant goes to check on Rosco, not only is Heather just standing there but also with the pose of the last animation she performed.
The layers when H walked towards Karla, Lotty and Cole was wrong.
Even though she’s being really insensitive, I still love Lotty. She’s being practical and getting shit done.
The D Nation seems so interesting! I can’t wait to learn more about it.
What about Bradley, though?
What happened to Heather? Did you use the faint animation and I missed it?
I’m really enjoying these episodes! I look forward to continue reading it.
End of review
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it would mean a lot if you could review our story as it’s our first ever one and we need all the advice/feedback we can get! We have just uploaded our fourth chapter, it would be much appreciated if you could read all 4 but if you only have time to read one then that’s totally fine!
you will defo find out a lot more about elena and Lydia’s backstory and find out why they are so horrible and will start to see a nicer side to both of them! Once the story catches up with the flash forward that was shown at the start, it will take a huge twist! The whole high school drama thing won’t be the main storyline anymore and it will be the mystery side of it from then on and there will 100% be HUGE twists. We are trying to build up the story and let you all know the characters before getting to that side of it! I love your ideas, I’ll definitely take them into consideration! Also, it would be amazing if you could resize the Instagram splash to make it look better for us if that’s not too much to ask?
thanks in advance!
Keep that up!
