I would love it if you could read and review my story
Author: Niyaa.Epi
Title: Wild
A young, naive Amber gets herself involved in a prostitution ring having no idea the drama it will bring.
Follow me on instagram: @Niyaa.Epi
Hi, lawful_evil.
If you want me to review your story, please take the following point into account:
- It seems like you don’t follow me on the app. And, since these reviews take a lot of time to write I decided I won’t be reviewing a story until I make sure the author does, in fact, follow me.
Title: Sophisticated & Deceived
Author: Briana M.
Genre: Romance
Description: Ashden, a 26 year old young woman learns that life isn’t about being emotionless and too sophisticated. Will a guy help her explore her emotions in life?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5716365262585856
Cover:
I just followed you on Instagram!
Simple to Chaos by BlueTopaz_26
A review by lovelikeart
Disclaimers
- These are just suggestions and constructive criticism. Just because I don’t like something/think it needs some work doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that you have to change it. It’s your story, feel free to do what you think is right!
- I’m a perfectionist, so some things I say probably won’t even be noticed by other people – they’re just tiny details.
- Apologies in advance if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes. These are extremely long, so I probably slipped up somewhere.
First impression
- Title: It’s simple. It doesn’t stand out among others, but I’m still curious - I want to know what the story is about.
- Cover: It’s cute, but I think it doesn’t really fit the story. I’m not too fond of the fonts and their colours either.
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Description: I suggest giving it more substance as well as fixing the grammar. Here are some examples of what I mean:
• “You and your best friend’s life take a turn for the worse when there’s a school shooting. What will you do when the names the gang members are calling for are none other than yours?”
• "Two best friends’ lives take a turn for the worse when a school shooting happens and they’re the ones the shooters are looking for.
• Other than that, it sounds pretty intriguing.
• Update: Okay, I see you’ve changed your description. The current one seems more fitting, but it’s not as eye-catching as the previous one.
Chapter 1
- I liked the splashes with the characters in the foreground. Although, the quality [of the splashes] could be better.
- I find CC to be kind of pointless, but I don’t mind it. I know a lot of people like it, though.
- I immediately noticed the lack of commas. Grammar is important!
- Ms Williams started doing the talking animation before the speech bubble showed up.
- When it cut back to Jasmine and the MC, you forgot to place Jas before you cut to the scene. This also happened when you cut from the shooter to the class.
- The dialogue doesn’t feel natural.
- I like that you reduced the speech bubble’s size to represent fright.
- When the shooter broke down the door, I was actually startled. Good job with the sound and camera movement!
- You should’ve asked for the last name at the beginning. Asking it now kinda ruins the atmosphere you want the reader to be immersed in.
- When they stop hugging Jas is keeps performing the animation for one more second.
- The dialogue is a bit cringy, not gonna lie.
- Why aren’t the gang members asking for Jasmine? I thought they wanted her too. It seems like a plot-hole.
- You could’ve left their display names empty instead of putting “anonymous”
- The right-hand girl looks like a pretty cool character.
- At some point, she [RH girl] is holding both the gun and the cigar at the same time. It looks weird.
- The bad grammar makes it harder to enjoy the story.
- No! Is Jas okay?
- “Spray 'em” I’m assuming he killed them all? Or at least most of them?
- The “Chapter One: Title” should’ve been at the beginning.
- It was a short chapter and it didn’t leave as much suspense as it could’ve.
- It lacked something to be a solid intro, I was expecting more.
- There should be more choices!
- I feel like it had more potential. It could’ve been an epic first episode if executed well and it would’ve left me (and a bunch of other readers) hooked!
- The premise was great, the execution – not so much. If approached differently, it could’ve been much more suspenseful. It could’ve been filled with tension if it had been more dramatic! Just imagine:
• The gang breaks into the school and everyone starts freaking out.
• It finds its way to the principal’s office and holds him at gunpoint and he has to try to push a (silent?) button that’ll alert the authorities. You could even add a minigame with the button thing!
• Perhaps the gang cut off all signals and that’s why other people aren’t calling the police?
• They notice that the cops are on their way and they punch the principal, knocking him out. They’re running out of time, so they quickly let everyone know about the situation through the microphone in the office.
• Then, they say the words: “[First Name] [Last Name] and Jasmine Pérez, please come to the principal’s office. Comply and nobody will get hurt, refuse and someone dies.”
• Other armed members of the gang are spread out within the school, looking for the girls and keeping everyone on a leash.
• Now, that is a good first episode that’ll definitely guarantee the reader’s interest.
• Given the material and your creativity, you could’ve done so much better!
Chapter 2
- What’s with the time jump?
- I think it’d been better if you had started the episode with a dream (nightmare?) sequence. That way we’d have some idea of what happened after the shooting.
- Customizing the brother seems like a waste of time. How is that important to the story at all? I get the MC and LIs even though I don’t really like it, but family members?
- “Are you pursuing your dream of being a male stripper?” lmao.
- The scene with her brother felt a bit irrelevant.
- When the MC gets up, the directing was all over the place.
- I loved the TV overlay! It shows effort and it looks professional.
- When it cut to the studio Katie Frost should’ve been placed before the cut.
- The Crypt? I’m intrigued. Nice name choice.
- When it cuts back from the screen to mom and MC, there’s a black background.
- Mom is holding the coffee and doing the phone animation at the same time, it looks odd.
- Mom and MC should be more in the centre.
- I’m a bit confused with the timeline.
- Ms Claire walks through the desk instead of around it.
- Then, Ms Claire appears out of nowhere when they’re outside.
- Why a bodyguard one year later?
*The reader message, lmao. - In the scene with Ms Claire, MC and Cavell, the spot directing with the latter isn’t quite right.
- Ugh, more CC.
- Make sure the speech bubble placement matches who’s speaking.
- Luciano!!! The male version of my name. I love his character already, lmao.
- The Spanish translations have some mistakes.
- Also, Jasmine is latina? Now I feel more connected to her.
- The speech bubble is pointing towards Jas even though it’s Luciano speaking.
- Carpet muncher? What kind of insult is that? lmao.
- I hope there isn’t a forced romance storyline with Cavell. I’m not sensing any chemistry between him and the MC.
- Ugh, even more CC. Customizing the MC character’s younger self is pointless.
- The pink outfit is so cute!
- She’s doing a talking animation but there’s a thinking speech bubble.
- Boys? I thought we’d get to choose our sexuality since you put LGBT as a subgenre. I don’t really care for romance, though.
- I was gonna complain about the lack of action but finally!
- “Fuck my life” lmao, same. Nice zoom.
- Speaking speech bubbles when there should be thinking ones. She wasn’t doing an animation and the content was clearly a thought.
- When the guy punches MC, he should be a layer over her.
- When you have to try again, the guy is already in a fighting position!
- Also, I don’t really like these kinda choices where you have to go back. I would’ve split it into two small branches: 1. if she fights him, she gains +1 of strength. If she plays along, she gains one point of intelligence. 2. If she runs, she gains nothing but gets shot in the leg. I understand it’d be a bit of extra work, but it’d make it a much better experience for the reader! It felt like a choice-that’s-not-really-a-choice.
- The MC getting kidnapped would’ve been a great way to end it.
- The ending didn’t leave me hanging. You can do better!
Chapter 3
- Why is his skin colour relevant? I’m getting tired of all the CC.
- Finally some gays!
- I already ship Alex and Chris. Sorry, not sorry.
- I liked the phone overlay.
- I’m loving the cultural diversity!
- How come he didn’t check for a phone before? Isn’t he supposed to be experienced at this?
- Remember that Episode doesn’t allow tildes/accented letters, it removes that letter instead. This led to some words being incomplete.
- Author appears out of nowhere, which means you forgot to place the character before cutting to the scene.
- I liked the use of spotlight.
- The ending wasn’t anything memorable.
Chapter 4
Chapter 4
- When and why did she change clothes?
- Amazing use of overlays! They look great. It makes your story look more professional.
- I hope the MC becomes stronger and more badass as the story moves on.
- I get it, directing overlays is difficult, but they disappear for a second when she gets up and moves. I know the coding is complex, but you should try paying attention to detail.
- When she punches him, the overlays are more than gone. You should’ve zoomed in, that way it would’ve been less work for you and more realism for the story.
- When she walks to spot after escaping, the overlays are already placed on the screen. Be careful!
- You forgot to place Cavell before cutting to a scene.
- What does a knife gotta do with punching, though?
- The guy who got knocked out should’ve been a layer over Cavell and MC.
- The scratch in the leg is missing when she’s talking to Cavell, but the other wounds are still there.
- I loved the shot of the roof! I don’t see that often.
- The directing is messy with the mom and aunt.
- What’s up with the mom? Is she hiding something?
- I liked the flashback, but the layering wasn’t quite right and the overlays were missing.
- Why did she jump off the bed? lmao. I liked how it was directed, though.
- She was laying in bed the wrong way, with her feet by the pillow.
- When hugging, be careful with the layers and positions!
- Luciano just disappears instead of exiting the scene.
- When Jasmine exits, she should’ve been a layer over mom.
- Excellent way to end it! With suspense.
- I’m actually enjoying the author notes at the end, even though I normally wouldn’t.
- The splash at the end didn’t maintain the aspect ratio, just letting you know.
Chapter 5
Chapter 5
- The talking animations when characters aren’t actually speaking is annoying me.
- Oh, so it’s just her dad. That was a letdown. I thought it was going to be a crypt member!
- We’re in Chapter 5 and we still don’t know what happened after the school shooting…
- If you didn’t want the reader to find out so early on, you could’ve implemented small flashbacks into the story to maintain the suspense.
- The MC seems to have no personality. I actually feel more attracted to the other characters.
- What’s with the stripped thing? What happened? I’m scared.
- The scene with her dad felt pointless.
- There are a few errors in the flashback scene. Layer mixup and missing props.
- What happened with the other students in the shooting? Did they die? Because that’s the impression I got.
- You need to do a spell-check.
- “Not all scars are physical” I liked that.
- The way they hug looks weird.
- In the flashback, characters appear out of nowhere. This happens too often.
- The transitions are a little odd.
- I like that you’re approaching the subject of depression!
- The “bullies” are too cliché for me.
- Also, it’s not that deep. Who gets bullied for being tall? lmao. It seems unrealistic.
- There’s a mistake with young MC. Her display name says “firstname”
- Olivia’s reaction was a low blow. There was no need to bring her mother into this. I like that she stood up for herself, but that was not the way. Perhaps this would’ve been a great moment to implement a choice? And the response affects an aspect of her personality in the present!
- Whose mans is this, lmao.
- I love Alexander!
- The ending was extremely weak.
Final Thoughts
Directing
- Characters perform talking animations even though they’re not speaking! There’s no speech bubble. This happens a lot throughout the story.
- I’ve said this a million times already, but a recurring theme in your story is characters appearing out of nowhere. Place them before cutting to a scene to avoid this.
- Nice use of overlays. Be careful, though.
- You need to improve your grammar. Try getting someone to do a spell-check for you, or use websites such as grammarly to do it yourself.
- Chapters feel too short.
Plot
- It’s not what I was expecting. It feels more like drama rather than action.
- It promised but it didn’t deliver. I was expecting much more to happen! Try adding more action to in future episodes.
- I feel like there were too many fillers.
- I’m not a fan of the time jump. It feels like way too long.
- I get what you were trying to do with not showing us the aftermath of the shooting right after, but it didn’t quite worked. I’m more annoyed than intrigued. Just show us already!
- The use of flashbacks triggered by certain things in the present to show us small glimpses of what happened would’ve been a successful way to achieve what you wanted.
- One plothole I noticed is that they called out both Jas and MC, but now they seem to just be after MC. But maybe it’s just a matter of time. Still, they’re clearly focusing more on the MC, which seems too convinient.
- Other than that, the overall idea is still interesting. What is the Crypt up to? Why do they need the MC and Jas? Who’s in charge? You just have to polish a bit and work on how to get the reader’s engagement.
- I love how you’re taking diversity into account!
Characters
- The MC doesn’t really seem to have a personality. Hopefully she’ll become a badass!
- I love Luciano, more of him, please!
- I like Jas.
- I don’t feel anything towards Cavell, but I hope he’s not a future love interest because I find him boring.
- I don’t really care for the family members.
- I wanna get to know Alexander better! He seems so chill and likeable.
- I wanna see right-hand girl again!
- More scenes between Alex and Cavell! That looks like a promising dynamic.
Choices
- The weakest spot in the story.
- Way too much CC.
- Focus less on the customization and more in choices that actually affect the story and characters.
Overall, it promised but it didn’t deliver. It still has a solid plot, though, so you just gotta keep working harder! There’s always something to improve. Your story has the potential to become much more.
Will I continue reading? I don’t think so, to be honest. I just didn’t feel a connection to the characters and it’s not as intriguing as I expected it to be. It’s also a bit all over the place, but nothing you can’t fix.
End of review
- Don’t forget to follow me!
- If you have any doubts/want more tips don’t hesitate to message me.
- Hope you liked the review and let me know what you think.
1 Like
I will take any help/advice I can get…
Hey! I think its really nice that you’re doing this! My story is in classic, I don’t know if that makes you not wanna read it, but I would really appreciate it! I’m making a few changes, but when I’ll be done very soon. When I finish the changes can I send it? Its still unpublished and there is only 1 episode!
Title: Brentwood Academy
Author: Emma
Genre: Drama/ Romance
Description: She discovers her family is keeping a dangerous secret from her. Trying to learn the truth seems impossible, especially when love always gets in the way.
Hi, @gisellec.
If you want me to review your story, please take the following points into account:
- It seems like you don’t follow me on the app. And, since these reviews take a lot of time to write I decided I won’t be reviewing a story until I make sure the author does, in fact, follow me.
- This is the second time you ask for a review without bothering to follow me, so I’d appreciate it if you did.
- You replied with Demigoddess two times in this thread, I’d appreciate if you deleted one of them to avoid confusion.
I would like a review. I have been working on this story for a while. I am working on episode 4 at the moment, so don’t be surprised if there is a skip in the plot line in the middle of the episode. I am following you on the app. This username I use for the forums is the same on the app for me.
Title: Daughter of the Blue Dragon
Author: WolfGamerGirl37
Genre: Drama/Romance/Action
Description: Lena is the daughter of a Yakuza boss, who is being setup for an arranged marriage. She decides to run away when tragedy strikes which causes an uproar with deadly consequences.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5158041349652480
Cover:
I really have a lot to catch up on. But don’t worry, I’ll review all stories of the people who did follow me.
In the meanwhile, @Jeremy, @Sydney_H, can you close this thread?
2 Likes
Topic closed by OP request. 