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#22

Hey! thank you so much for this! I’m from Mexico lol and I’ll work on the points you mentioned! again thank you so much


#23

Please review my story.

Title: Kotton Kandie
Author: Pretty Eri
Genre: Comedy
Description: Kandie’s finally free from an abusive marriage. Now it’s time for her to start anew - with a stalkerish ex-husband on her tail. Help her navigate through life. All choices matter.
Link: Https://www.episodeinteractive.com/s/5532581127127040
Cover: bb7fc107e5e8ffd4fa273e35ce11aa1f4b91ecf3_1_361x500


#24

HEYYYY, Could u review my story???
Its called My Demon, Wolf, Vampire, Dragon Love and Life


KK, thx


#25

Hey!

Thanks for making this thread! :slight_smile:

A few days ago I published my first story. I’m working on this story about a year and a half and now I’m revamping the episodes before publishing.

I would appreciate it if you read it and give me your genuine feedback. I want it as close to being perfect as possible so I know I have a lot of work to do! :nerd_face:

English isn’t my first language, but I’m trying my best.

Thank you in advance.

Title: Different Worlds
Author: dkr_episodes
Genre: Rom-Com
Description: That sassy mouth of yours, puts you in more trouble than you thought. Especially since Gabe Milinghton, a sexy jerk, has set his eyes on you. This ain’t be good, honey.
Cover art (optional):
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5829240774459392


#26

HEY!!

I’ve JUST published a new story about Greek Gods and Goddesses!

HERE’S THE INFO!!

Story Name: DEMIGODDESS

Author Name: Giselle Crescent

Genre: Fantasy

Description: Being the daughter of Zeus isn’t easy. Add responsibilities and your mother having cancer topped on with a forbidden temptation to a boy who can rock your world , literally. CC

Small Cover:
5242e4c65aad4dc4eaa16195e5918d47b926391f_1_323x500-2

Large Cover:
78db2eb2c8938e3cb31cac097f4217fbc58fb39a_1_690x492

LINK:


#27

Cruelty of Ice
A Review by lovelikeart

I’m sorry for the delay, I’ve been busy. Also, I’m experimenting a little with my review style.

  • I noticed you do not follow me on the episode app. These take a long time to make, so I’d really appreciate it if you did. It just pressing one button.

Disclaimers

  • These are just suggestions and constructive criticism. Just because I don’t like something/think it needs some work doesn’t mean it’s wrong or you have to change it. It’s your story, feel free to do what you think is right!
  • I’m a perfectionist, so some things I say probably won’t even be noticed by other people – they’re just tiny details.
  • Apologies in advance if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes, these are extremely long so I probably slipped up somewhere.

First Impression
  • Title: I love it. You made the right decision by choosing it, I’m intrigued already. It makes me feel like we’ll be seeing a bold, unapologetic and most importantly – badass female MC. Is she going to be an antagonist? Because that would be such an interesting perspective.
  • Cover: I’m not a fan of the cover, though. It looks poorly edited and it doesn’t match the forceful, intense, harsh nature of the title. (Update: It’s also a bit deceiving, I thought Pamela was going to be the MC and Savannah was one of her “victims” or something. But when it comes to storytelling, I do love surprises.)
  • Description: It kind of sounds like a soap opera, and those tend to have a lot going on, which is what makes them so entertaining. The MC being in a new school is cliché, though. But the old enemy thing has potential, as long as they aren’t a one-dimensional character whose only motive is that they’re crazy. Also, I thought the MC was gonna be the ruthless one, but I was clearly wrong! I really wanna know what happened between Savannah and the antagonist and how the MC’s character personality is actually like.

Chapters
Chapter 1
  • The introduction at the beginning is unnecessary. The reader doesn’t want you to tell them what’s going on; they want to see it themselves!
  • When Melissa and Savannah were talking the directing isn’t quite right, Melissa was partially covering her.
  • There’s a choice already? I like that.
  • Sometimes there’s a speech bubble but the characters aren’t performing any animations. It looks like something is missing.
  • I assume the first scene was to introduce us to Savannah and her family, but it felt pointless.
  • Sometimes the characters appear out of nowhere, remember to place them before you cut/pan to a zone.
  • I’m not really a fan of the narrator bubbles telling me what’s what and who’s who.
  • Ugh, no. I hate the token gay best friend: sassy, fashion obsessed and serves no purpose. And it looks like that’s exactly the case with Mark.
  • I like Pamela, though. She seems nice. (Update: I was wrong lmao)
  • When they sit/get up it looks really weird, use the transition animation!
  • When Savannah, Pam and Mark walk somewhere, there’s a small pause between each of them and it looks awkward.
  • They were right there, how did they not see Savannah tripping?
  • “Feudalism ended years ago.” I don’t know why, but I liked that response. We love a girl who knows her history lmao.
  • There’s a lot of walking, but plot-wise there’s not much going on.
  • You should use overlays for the tables and chairs.
  • The characters feel too basic and shallow.
  • The dialogue was way too unrealistic, especially when the mean girls were “bullying” Savannah. It was funnier because of its cheesy nature than it was mean.
  • I’m not really feeling a connection between Savannah and Derek; they feel too bland.
  • Savannah seems like your typical cliché love story protagonist, her character seems uninteresting.
  • He just met her! How can he possibly already like her?
  • Thank God! I thought this story was heading towards being full of shallow character stereotypes, but I’m happy to see that there’s more than that to them – starting with Vicky! I already like and sympathize with her character. The best part of the episode so far, in my opinion.
  • I’m also extremely pleased that you’re going to be approaching a subject as serious and difficult to talk about as domestic violence and how it affects teens. Hopefully we’ll see more from Vicky’s point of view. For some reason, I love her already. I have a soft spot for this type of characters – the ones who turn out to be much more complex than you thought.
  • I stand by what I said, though. The dialogue was still corny. But, now I can definitely get on board with the mean girls. I wonder what you have in store for the other two.
  • The ending didn’t leave me hanging or wanting more, though. You might want to take this into account for future episodes, so you can secure the reader’s engagement.
  • The chapter felt too irrelevant for me, the only thing worth remembering was Vicky’s storyline and where it’ll lead.

Chapter 2
  • Okay, so Pamela is gonna be the enemy? It took me a while to figure that out, lmao. When I first saw the cover I thought she was the MC, then I thought that she was going to be the best friend and I was legit wondering why it wasn’t one of the mean girls in the cover, but now it finally clicked.
  • In the scene where Melissa interrupts Savannah and Derek, the directing is all over the place.
  • “I’d already fallen for her.” He. Just. Met. Her.
  • Why was Pam talking to herself? That was odd. Does she see/hear things or it was just to explain what was happening? If it was the latter, I suggest using the thinking bubbles instead to avoid confusion.
  • I knew it! I knew at least one of the mean girls had to be gay. As a bi woman, I also liked the clarification that Clara is, in fact, bisexual. Finally some gays
  • Clara is latina? I love her already.
  • The scenes where you try to get us to know the characters and give us a glimpse of their lives should be longer. It’s all happening too fast.
  • Ohhh, no. Derek <3, it’s gonna be ok baby. I’m glad you’re talking about serious shit, and even portraying that males can be victims of abuse too. I really appreciate this.
  • Kiki seems like a likeable character.
    “Why is she so perfect?” Pamela, that’s gay.
  • I’m actually really excited about learning everyone’s back stories.
  • So many latinas, I’M LIVING.
  • How come Savannah doesn’t remember Pamela? It hasn’t been that long. I hope you provide an explanation for this in the future. Also, I want to know what happened! Why did Savannah leave?
  • Oh, no. Wow, poor Pam. You really are going to be addressing some heavy topics, I respect that.
  • But, how is Savannah guilty of anything? I know that objectively, she obviously isn’t. But from Pam’s perspective, what’s the logic behind her madness? One thing is blaming Savannah; another one is planning your revenge against her. The latter requires a certain motivation.
  • Pamela could’ve at least changed her name. I still think it’s weird that Savannah didn’t recognize her.
  • How did they build a fortune? Was it illegal? It better be, ‘cause that’s a captivating storyline right there.
  • No need to clarify the whole Layla thing – not everyone needs a nickname.
  • I like that you let us choose Layla’s response.
  • Well, Pamela is crazy. Don’t get me wrong – I find her character very compelling, but don’t hurt Layla! She seems so sweet.
  • If Layla knows what Pamela’s like, why hasn’t she run away from her? Is it connected to the money?
  • Oh! So Mark’s not the token gay friend after all. You don’t cease to amaze me. Representation is important!
  • I like that you gave all mean girls a story! Well, you gave basically everyone a backstory/subplot lmao, but I’m living for it. Characters aren’t just “good” or “evil”, they have different sides. I hope you’ll explore this side of Savannah too, because so far she seems pretty simple.

Chapter 3
  • I honestly don’t care about Savannah and Derek’s date. Initially, I found them both pretty boring, but Derek’s growing on me. Savannah, however, remains uninteresting.
  • Derek literally changed his outfit right there, in Vanna’s house with her parents. Careful with the directing!
  • Melissa gives me some gay vibes.
  • Sometimes, there are unnecessary long pauses. For example, when the parents were standing there before Vanna and Mel appeared.
  • Too cliché for me
  • I thought the motive behind Pam’s revenge was that, in her eyes, her assault was Savannah’s fault. So why does she care if S is with D?
  • Should’ve chosen a more fitting background for the restaurant.
  • Layla spying on them was way too obvious. And you could also see a part of Vanna’s hair and arm when she should’ve been off screen.
  • The rumor is stupid. They’re not 10 years old.
  • I can’t see any chemistry between S and D.
  • P and L’s plan doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s completely harmless.
  • Finally, my queen is back! I love Vicky.
  • No! She’s gone already.
  • The dialogues feel too forced and unnatural.
  • What’s so shocking about them making out? I still don’t get it.
  • I actually liked Pam’s attitude in that scene. "I will kill them myself if I have to.” Yes queen! I like that you’re also making us enjoy Pam’s character even though she’s the villain.
  • Once again, the ending didn’t leave me hanging.
  • The description for the next episode sounds interesting, though.

Chapter 4
  • Why does Savannah even have clothes in D’s house?
  • CLARA, NO. I can’t stand slut-shaming. I trust this will be another topic you’ll address in the future, yes?
  • Linda’s introduction was not smooth at all. It felt awkward.
  • Yes!!! More of Mark!! I really wanna see how you handle her storyline.
  • This might’ve been just my tablet, but when Savannah and the mean girls were talking, they were cut off and, besides the background characters, the only thing you could see was a bit of Clara.
  • “Shut the fuck up, you ugly whore.” Who even says that? I get she was insulting her, but it felt too fake.
  • Nothing really happened in this episode.

My thoughts

Directing
  • The spot directing definitely needs some work. I noticed too many mistakes.
  • I feel like there are too many transitions and the fact that they’re in bright colors makes them even more noticeable.
  • Here are some things I think you should improve:
    • Less narration. Show, don’t tell!
    • The character’s layers and positions.
    • Place the characters before you cut to a scene.

Plot and stoylines
  • I kept thinking I knew what was going on but I was always wrong! I started the story with low expectations and I was pleasantly surprised.
  • I love that you’re tackling very important issues such as domestic violence, sexual assault, male victims, etc. – without romanticizing them. It seems few people in this app actually recognize how serious they are, so it’s refreshing to see a story that does.
  • Good job with representation! I like that you added an explicitly bisexual character and a trans one as well. I have something to say about this, though. I’m not trans, so don’t take my word for it, but I think that saying “in the process of becoming female” was not the right phrasing. Mark is a female. You could’ve just said “Mark is a trans woman who has already started treatments” or something like that.
  • I’d love if you added a mentally ill character as well, maybe as a subplot for Savannah since she doesn’t have a lot going on?
  • The dialogues feel weak and poorly-written.

Characters
  • Savannah
    • The blandest character in the story. I find her quite dull. She doesn’t stand a chance against the rest of the characters! This is why I suggest giving her a captivating storyline. For example, like I previously mentioned – maybe she has a mental illness? The human mind is really complex, so there’s a lot of ways you can spin that.
  • Pam
    • A lovable villain, for sure! I recommend going more in depth about her motivations, though. Make us understand why she thinks what she thinks and believes what she believes.
    • I really want to know how she and Layla managed to become rich.
  • Clara
    • Being bisexual myself, I’m really keen on her storyline and where it’ll go!
    • I’m rooting for her and Melissa. I think they’d be cute together, I don’t know.
  • Melissa
    • She intrigues me, for some reason.
    • At the very least bisexual. There’s no way she’s just straight. My gaydar went off.
  • Vicky
    • I love her. I can already say she’s my favourite.
    • Can’t wait to see more of her!
  • Derek
    • I’m glad you gave him a back story, otherwise I’d find him boring.
    • If he and S get together, I hope you take into account that victims of abuse might still be scarred from the previously experienced trauma.
  • Matthew?
    • Clara calls them “mom” even though they look like and have the name of a male.

Choices
  • Not a lot to add here. I think you did a decent job with them.

Opinion
  • There’s not a lot to say. I’ve already expressed most of my thoughts, lmao.
  • It’s not really my type of story, and I’m not a fan of the writing – but I was not expecting you to bring so many issues to light! I can’t stress enough how happy I am that you’re doing this.

Will I continue reading?: I honestly don’t know. Like I said, I’m not into the writing style, but the characters seem interesting and I wanna learn more. If you work on the aspects I mentioned, I might carry on reading.


End of review

  • Don’t forget to follow me!
  • If you have any doubts/want more tips don’t hesitate to message me.
  • Hope you liked the review and let me know what you think.

#28

Hi, Dr.Smile07.
If you want me to review your story, please take the following points into account:

  • It seems like you don’t follow me on the app. Since I’ve noticed that a lot of people can’t be bothered to press a button while I spend hours writing their reviews, I decided I won’t be reviewing a story until I make sure the author does, in fact, follow me.
  • Make sure to fill out the form and that the story you linked is the correct one.

Thanks.


#29

Oh, don’t worry I’ll follow you on the app and fill out the form, thank you!


#30

Hi, Kelzblogs.
If you want me to review your story, please take the following points into account:

  • It seems like you don’t follow me on the app. And, since these reviews take a lot of time to write I decided I won’t be reviewing a story until I make sure the author does, in fact, follow me.
  • It appears the link you wrote is incorrect.

Thanks.


#31

Title: H & V: From Zero to Hero
Author: Dr.Smile
Genre: Comedy
Description: Jax is the disabled loser of Mediocreopolis High, but one odd day, his life is completely transformed by a–burrito?! Drama, choices, romance, evil, deception, and action await.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4697049362202624
Cover:
H__V_From_Zero_to_Hero_YV_posterThumb_vixQqm4bZ7
Followed you on the app and thank you!


#32

id just call it beautiful lies that’s catchy to me


#33

I’m really impressed by your reviews, you must be using a big amount of time on this! :smile::heart_eyes:


#34

The Narrators by E.P.O.C.H.
A review by lovelikeart

I’m sorry I took forever, but here it is. I’m still experimenting a little with my review style so sorry if it’s a bit messy.

Disclaimers

  • These are just suggestions and constructive criticism. Just because I don’t like something/think it needs some work doesn’t mean it’s wrong or you have to change it. It’s your story, feel free to do what you think is right!
  • I’m a perfectionist, so some things I say probably won’t even be noticed by other people – they’re just tiny details.
  • Apologies in advance if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes, these are extremely long so I probably slipped up somewhere.

First impression
  • Title: It’s simple, which doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just not something that really catches my attention, but I’m still low-key wondering what it’s about.
  • Cover: I’m not really into the cover. It’s confusing to understand and it kinda hurts my eyes, but it’s definitely eye-catching. Not a fan of the large cover either, but if it fits your story my opinion doesn’t really matter.
  • Description: Short and straight to the point, I like it. It sounds really interesting!

Chapter 1
  • I noticed the lack of punctuation immediately. It decreases your story’s credibility.
  • The music at the beginning doesn’t fit with what the narrator is saying.
  • I’m particularly pleased with the intro, it builds up tension. Keep that up!
  • The transitions from one animation to another don’t look smooth.
  • You really need to fix that grammar!
  • Characters seem likeable so far.
  • This is the first time we’re meeting the characters - their conversations should be about something more relevant and memorable. I don’t know them; I don’t care about the trivial things they’re speaking about. It also makes it more difficult to remember their names.
  • When they’re reacting to something, characters don’t have to be in sync all the time. It looks unnatural.
  • When the two girls appear, they slide towards Jackie instead of walking.
  • They have to avoid making the cops suspicious? Now I’m intrigued.
  • The way in which they got down from the car looked odd.
  • Great filter transition when Roy appeared!
  • Roy’s said four words and I already adore his character.
  • Drug dealing? Yes! Illegal things are quite interesting to read about.
  • Nice mini-game. It was also doable, even I, someone with terrible short-term memory, managed to do it.
  • Loving Roy!
  • Work on the spelling.
  • The phone’s ringtone was late by a few seconds, the girl was already holding the phone.
  • The flash-forward was great!
  • I’m not writing a lot because I’m actually paying attention to the story. Good job!
  • The grammar makes it harder to enjoy the unusual but captivating plot.
  • Is “going out with a bang” their thing? Because it’s been mentioned like three times.
  • I’m not familiar enough with the characters to care about their relationships.
  • Roy was holding something in his hand, was that intentional? Because it looks weird.

Chapter 2
  • Amazing intro!
  • I’m captivated by the plot already.
  • Tiffany is badass.
  • The zoom’s focus was a bit off and it should’ve been more up on Roy, but as you zoomed in more this was fixed.
  • I liked the hologram idea, but adding some kind of blue thing under it would’ve been a nice touch.
  • Roy is an icon, I love him already.
  • When they were in the classroom, we should’ve been able to see the students instead of just seeing Roy. This would’ve looked more professional and helped the readers remember the characters.
  • In the questions, instead of “question 1, question 2” write the actual questions!
  • I know what I said about names being difficult to remember, but mentioning them every two seconds in dialogues feels unnatural.
  • I ship Adam and James. Sorry, not sorry. That’s some good chemistry right there.

Chapter 3
  • I don’t know if I’ve said this already, but I love the intros! They’re very intriguing.
  • The bell had no sound, or was it just me?
  • I like the use of filters.
  • Nice concept! Very original. I love when people create their own tiny universes with their own rules!
  • I don’t see any different voices when it comes to the characters, which makes it harder to recognize them. They all sound the same to me.
  • I was so focused on the plot I didn’t realize – the lack of choices!
  • I’m struggling to remember the names. There are too many characters – which isn’t a bad thing, but you introduced them too abruptly.
  • “Yes, you are.” What was even the point of her resisting if all it took was three words to make her do it? It seems stupid.
  • It’s called choose your story for a reason!

Chapter 4
  • Finally, a choice!
  • Shouldn’t he be facing the other way?

  • I loved Tiffany’s “dream” and the way it was directed, very well done!
  • When Adam punched her, he should’ve been in the layer over her.
  • Time is sassy. I like him.
  • The end on this one didn’t leave me hanging, though.

Chapter 5
  • Once again, magnificent intro!
  • I don’t know if we’re supposed to, but I don’t ship Tiffany and Adam.
  • What’s the deal with Tiffany and Adam? I can’t wait to find out!
  • Hopefully, it’s not something romantic. Don’t sink my ship (Adam and James) before it even starts sailing! lmao
  • In this scene, Adam is missing for a second and then he just appears. It was like a glitch.

  • There’s a prominent absence of choices!
  • Adam and James, though.
  • Johnny should be facing the other way, at least when speaking to Veronica.
  • I love Roy.
  • The end wasn’t as good as the beginning. adding more suspense would really make a difference!

My thoughts

Directing
  • Since there are so many characters, you should be careful with the speech bubbles. Sometimes it’s not really clear who’s speaking.
Examples



And in this one, it even covers one character’s face.
![
I didn’t catch it, but when Johnny was speaking the speech bubble barely moved.

  • It would’ve looked more visually appealing if the characters were more in the center.
Here's what I mean

  • I liked that you used both cinematic and spotlight. However, I did notice one tiny mistake.
Roy should've been on the left and facing right..

  • You need to improve your grammar, especially the punctuation. Or you can just get someone within the community to check it for you! (I’d be willing to help.)
  • You tend to interrupt the sentences and continue them in another speech bubble when they could’ve kept going in the same one just fine. I didn’t manage to get catch this because I was reading it for the first time, but here’s a bit of an example:

  • This is kinda random, but why is it always so dark in this room?

Plot and storylines
  • As I already mentioned, the intros are great. However, I can’t say the same for the endings. They don’t live up to the expectations I had. They felt weak. The end of a chapter should always leave the reader wanting more!
  • I like how abstract the main plot idea is.
  • You should give each character a small subplot that doesn’t necessarily needs to be related to the main plot. Individual storylines will definitely help make your characters easier to remember and to relate to! You want the reader to love these characters as much as you do.
Characters
  • I honestly don’t have much to say since I don’t remember them. Give us something to remember them by! And I’m not just talking about their names, I mean as characters. Give each of them a unique voice, make them stand out from one another. So far they all feel the same to me.
  • What I said above applies to the squad only. Other than that, I really enjoy Roy and Time.
Choices
  • Not a lot to say, either.
  • They were very limited.
  • This is by far the weakest aspect of the story.
  • If this has to do with you not wanting to change what you have in mind, you can still add choices that make a difference without altering the ending.
Opinion
  • Aside from the points I mentioned - very well put together.
  • Plot-wise it has a lot of potential.
  • I think I’ve already said everything else.

Will I continue reading? Yes! I’m already invested in the story. It still needs some work, though.


End of review

  • Don’t forget to follow me!
  • If you have any doubts/want more tips don’t hesitate to message me.
  • Hope you liked the review and let me know what you think.

#35

Thank you I would love some feedback :slight_smile:

Title: A Brush with Love
Author: S Green
Genre: Romance
Description: Sophie, a make-up artist from the UK lands a job in LA working on the HOT tv show STARSTRUCK. A change of plan on her first day catapults her into the life of Ben Holden, one of the actors on the show.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5394078488723456
Cover:


#36

Ok I did take the time to follow you and here’s the link again http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6113318553124864


#37

@MystiqueEpisode I just happened to stumble upon your covers, these are gorgeous! Makes me want to read your story asap! Will add to favorites :slight_smile:


#38

If you can, whenever you can! Thank you!

@lovelikeart I followed you, but there’s two accounts with your name. I followed both :joy:

Title: DD: Some Sort of Love
Author: LameCast
Genre: Romance
Style: Limelight
Episodes: 2! Please don’t read 3. It’s being worked on still.
Description: Baby is determined to provide fun in the sun at Luna Resort! A cascade of characters have come to the island to make memories and maybe a few . . . mistakes?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6064098849980416
Instagram: lamecast.episode

0SMALL0LARGE


#39

Hi,when you have the time I’d love it if you could review my story. I’m a new writer and getting some advice on improvements would be amazing! Thanks so much.

Title: A Land of Ice and Fire
Author: Rebecca4242
Genre: Fantasy
Description: A princess of flames. A King of shadows. A kingdom destroyed. Alina’s magic is awakening. She will reclaim her kingdom no matter the cost. She must remember love is a weakness.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5875354583040000
Cover:image


#40

The New Guy by KELZBLOGS
A review by lovelikeart

I feel like my reviews have been lacking substance lately, so I hope the feedback I gave turns out to be useful.

Disclaimers

  • These are just suggestions and constructive criticism. Just because I don’t like something/think it needs some work doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that you have to change it. It’s your story, feel free to do what you think is right!
  • I’m a perfectionist, so some things I say probably won’t even be noticed by other people – they’re just tiny details.
  • Apologies in advance if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes. These are extremely long, so I probably slipped up somewhere.

First impression
  • Title: It’s too simple. It blends in with the rest of the stories with the same overused concept.
  • Cover: It looks like this is going to be a gay love story, I’m excited! That definitely stands out among the other “new guy” stories.
    The fonts and their colours could’ve been better, though.
    I liked the detail of the quote.
    The large cover is nice and simple, but it wasn’t sized the correct way and thus, didn’t maintain the aspect ratio.
  • Description: The grammar is a mess, which makes your story much less appealing.
    Look at how much better something like this sounds:
    "Justin is just another closeted gay teen trying to get through high school. So, what happens when a hot new guy from Cali appears? Will he be able to keep his secret and hide his feelings for the other boy? Or will the truth finally come out?
    Or simply:
    Justin is secretly gay, but what happens when a hot new guy from Cali comes along? Can he keep his secret and hide his feelings for the seemingly straight boy?
    Furthermore, if it weren’t for the gay factor, I’d say it sounds pretty generic. That doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to make it unique, though.

Chapter 1
  • We’re off to a bad start. You shouldn’t write down facts for your audience. Remember, show, don’t tell! It’s hard to make a connection with the characters if we’re being told who they are. We should see it for ourselves!
  • Because of the grammar, it’s hard to take your story seriously.
  • The dialogue is a bit cringe-worthy.
  • Place your characters before cutting to a scene.
  • I thought Justin and the black screen were only for the intro, but I see that’s not the case. I don’t really like that, but maybe it’s just me. It prevents me from engaging with the story and its characters.
  • You could’ve just put a thought bubble/narrator box in the scene with Raquel instead of going to the black screen.

  • I repeat, place your characters before cutting to a scene. Otherwise, they appear out of nowhere.
  • Back at it again with the descriptions. That’s a no if you ask me.
  • Jennie is one of the most one-dimensional characters I have ever seen. Stereotypical mean girls are boring and cliché. We want to see something fresh and that hasn’t been done a million times before. Give her character more depth! Why does she do what she does? What’s her motivation? Make us enjoy her presence, even though she’s the mean girl.
  • Also, why isn’t she wearing any clothes?

  • Jennie slides towards Justin and Raquel instead of walking. Try using @JENNIE walks to spot or @JENNIE walks to spot and JENNIE does it while [insert walking animation]
  • Okay, I like the use of choices.
  • “Play it kool”?
  • There’s a lot of missing commas.
  • In this scene, Justin was standing up and a second late he was sitting down. There was no transition at all whatsoever, and it looked awkward. I can tell you’re still trying to get a hang of the directing. Also, Raquel’s size isn’t right.

  • So far, plot-wise, it’s a bit boring. But I understand it’s just the intro.
  • Peyton slides instead of walking too. Be careful with spot directing and pay attention to detail.
  • When he says “my name is Peyton” the animation didn’t seem to fit what he was saying.
  • Once again, do not give us factual information about the characters! Let us know about it gradually and through story-telling.
  • Gay thing aside, the story is cliché and the writing is a bit weak. And I don’t mean that in a mean way. I’ll go into depth about what you should improve in the My thoughts section of the review.
  • Raquel’s motive (to be homophobic) was portrayed a little too overdramatic. That made it less credible.
  • Too much explanation. It prevents the reader from getting into the story.
  • I was expecting more. Nothing actually happened in this episode.
  • I hope Peyton is bisexual since he seems to be flirting with girls. Representation is important!
  • The ending wasn’t as strong as it could’ve been. It’s supposed to leave the reader wanting more and that wasn’t the case here, at least for me.

Chapter 2
  • Going straight for the choice wasn’t a good idea. There should’ve been more of an intro. Maybe a small recap?
  • We didn’t even get to see Peyton asking Justin out on a date? How was he even an option? This doesn’t make any sense.
  • Work on the transitions.
  • I love OITNB!
  • Poussey :frowning_face:.
  • “My wi-fi is out” I don’t know why, but that came across weird. Like he was making up an excuse or something. But it’s not important.
  • They’re not holding anything in their hands when they were drinking. You should’ve added a prop!
  • Okay, Peyton and Justin are kinda cute together. I’m starting to ship it.
  • This is also a small detail, but the fact that they ordered and two seconds later they had the pizza in their hands was weird.
  • Justin started the kissing animation before he should’ve.
  • The way you used the narrator box when they were kissing, that’s the way to do it! Use that instead of the black screen.
  • It was just a dream??? Okay, I have to admit I didn’t see that coming. Nice work.
  • The sizing here makes Raquel looks like a child.

  • “Hold up. let me explain.” I think you should stop doing that. If you really have to explain something, do it while still on the scene with a narrator box.
  • The episode was way too short.

Chapter 3
  • Why are they suddenly roommates? It makes no sense and there was no build up for it.
  • Raquel looks different.
  • Kris is so pretty!
  • I didn’t even know they lived in dorms. Did I miss something?
  • “I really like him,” He just met him!
  • Extremely short episode. And the ending didn’t have the effect it should’ve had on the reader.

My thoughts

Directing
  • This is the weakest spot I found in your story.
  • The animations don’t seem to match the emotion and dialogue.
  • The spot directing needs a lot of work, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
  • Sometimes, the speech bubble placement is off. It can get confusing to know who’s speaking.
Examples

  • There’s a zooming mistake, we can’t see the characters.

  • You need to improve your grammar ASAP. I suggest asking someone from the community to do a spell-check for you. Grammar is a very important aspect.
  • I think that you haven’t found your writing style yet. Experiment, don’t be afraid to try new things! Make your story shine amongst others with its own unique style. It deserves it, you deserve it.
  • I know you can do better!

Plot and storylines
  • I love that this is an LGBT-centric story!
  • Peyton and Justin are going to be so cute together, I can already tell.
  • I can’t wait to see Justin embarking on his journey and gradually becoming more comfortable with himself as the story continues.
  • I’m really curious to see how the Jeyton (yes, I already gave them a ship name, you’re welcome) relationship develops.
  • The dialogues need a lot of work.
  • Work on the endings! Make the more interesting and suspenseful.
  • Overall, it’s a very cute concept. With some improvements, I’m sure it’ll be a great coming of age story.

Characters
  • I understand what you were trying to do what telling us their hobbies and stuff, but I didn’t feel a connection with them. They didn’t feel genuine.
  • What about Peyton’s sexuality, though? Is he bi? Is he open/comfortable with his sexuality? I wanna know more!
  • Jennie needs her own storyline!
  • As much as I dislike Raquel for being homophobic, I still believe you should work on her character. So far, she’s just the best friend.

Choices
  • Not a lot to say here.
  • Choices and their options should make sense. I know it was just a dream, but Peyton asking Justin out had no build up. When I first saw it, I thought it was really weird.
  • I like how you let us choose how Raquel responded to the mean girl. Reactions are a great way of implementing choices in your story, well done!

Opinion
  • We definitely need more LGBT stories in this platform and I’m so grateful that you took the time to write one!
  • Work on the spot directing and grammar. That’s the thing you need to focus on the most.
  • You should look up character building help to make your characters resonate with the reader. There’s a bunch of helpful tools online that I, myself, use.
  • Try to end the episodes more dramatically.
  • The foundation of the story might be simple, but it’s definitely relatable for some kids out there. Good job.

Will I continue reading? Probably not. There’s nothing wrong with the story, and as much as I love LGBT rep, this just isn’t my cup of tea. But I’m sure a lot of people will feel attracted to it, just work on the aspects I mentioned to improve the reader’s experience! I am curious about what’ll happen with Jeyton, though.


End of review

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#41

This is the most honest review I got and I loved it thank you for taking the time I will take some of your suggestions into consideration glad you liked the dream sequence I want to spice thing up I’m now using Grammarly for writing so that might help