Hey! Im not from english because im asian… can I ask some spelling to u sometime?
By the way, what word should I use if Im going to make a dressing game in my story.
What should I wear?
What shall I wear?
Sure, if you have a story then you’re welcome to link it here. If it’s just question like the one below, you’re welcome to open a PM with me!
Both words are fine, it doesn’t matter one you use!
Okay, sooo sorry this has taken me so long to get back into this. I have not been myself lately and forums has been a struggle for me. I am trying to return, promise.
For chapter two:
An ellipsis has three dot (…), not two.
Who on Earth are Bibi and Cassandra? I don’t remember.
Cassandra: “You are just a toy to her, Bibi! …"
Cassandra: “You won’t clean this, Bibi. …" - WHAT? Clean this? What does that mean? Maybe fix this?
Bibi: “…the first second I saw you. You are the girl…"
Cassandra: “You know what? You are right."
Bibi: “My dear, Cass. What are you doing to me, love?" - add a comma and one dot.
Queen Darja: “I know, ladies. Calm down.” - add a comma
Cassandra: “She is actually right." - About what? This doesn’t fir the context.
Queen Darja: “I will be at least here. I am still in but I can imagine I am not.” - I can’t even decipher this. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.
Queen Darja: “…as a teacher, but like this?” - add a comma
Bibi: “Cassandra just isn’t in the best mood today."
Bibi: “Babe, please calm down…" - add a comma
Bibi: “Come on, babe…" - add a comma
I don’t like how angry Cass gets at the queen. This is totally disrespectful and in real life would mean she’d lose her job or be beheaded.
Bibi: “Come on, babe…" - add a comma
Cassandra: “I am head over heels in love with Bibi.”
Queen Darja: “Now tell me what is bothering you? What is this all about?”
Cassandra: “How she is grateful for every second with you.”
Cassandra: “During the past few weeks, she has always been disappearing…” - add a comma
Cassandra: “You’re the queen.”
Cassandra: “How can I compete with you?”
Cassandra: “I also saw her walking out of…”
Cassandra: “When did it start? … for a while now.”
Queen Darja: “I don’t know about that, but it definitely isn’t what you think.”
Queen Darja: “…in women. I never have been.”
Queen Darja: “Never leave a person who loves…”
Queen Darja: “She has been through a really tough time…”
Queen Darja: “…I could do that is by giving you two my…”
Queen Darja: “…How many times do I have to tell you this?”
Cassandra: “I love you too, Bibi.”
Queen Darja: “I wonder how many times I have to mention this?”
Bibi: “I will get your outfits ready while Cassandra does your hair."
Queen Darja: “It’s not itchy or anything. …”
Bibi: “They’re the worst clothes…"
I honestly think you should revamp your story. You have maybe three LONG scenes without zooms or changes in angles. It really doesn’t make me want to continue reading. Also, the dialogue isn’t very realistic and so the story isn’t believable for me.
Hope this helps,
Hello, fellow Kiwi,
I’m glad I can help, then. I’m so sorry that it took me so long to get here.
For Chapter One:
You: “School. Yay, so excited. Not” - add a comma and a capital
Narrator: “This is your mother.” and "only change you get to customise her. - fullstops
Why don’t you customise mother offscreen while the reader customises themselves?
You: “Mom, are you okay?” - add a comma
Saying this early because I don’t want to keep repeating myself.
PUNCTUATION AT THE END OF ALL SENTENCES!
Mom: “Be quiet and watch TV.”
You: “Okay, sorry.” - comma, not fullstop.
Mariah Anders: “The treaty between America and Russia…”
Mariah Anders: “The president of America has threatened war if they persist on doing so.” - Much simpler and a better flow.
Mariah Anders “With the threat of nuclear…” - this doesn’t make sense
Mariah Anders: “What will happen to America?”
Check this out!
Also, heights are off. If she’s further away, she’s got to be smaller.
You: “got to go, Mom.” - add a comma
Mom: “Love you too, honey.” - add a comma
Courtney: “Come on, slowpoke.” - add a comma
They’re FAR too big for the car.
Courtney: “Did you hear about the Russian/U.S. agreement being broken?” - add a comma
Why do they look too big to be in that car?
You: “I don’t know yet, but somehow.” - add a comma
Courtney: “Hey, you wanna grab some coffee…” - add a comma
Might not be able to get coffee? From South America? Maybe vodka, but not coffee.
Courtney: “Yeah, I can’t believe… …school, you’re crazy!” - add another comma
You: “Yeah, you’re right, let’s go!” - add another comma
You: “What’s going on?” - add a question mark
Mrs Caroll: “Well, what are you still doing here? GO!” - add a question mark and a comma
Have them run with a rear animation AND gymnasium layering is messy.
Okay, I have had to stop for the sake of realism. Legally, they have no right to check students without a parent or guardian, even in America. AND why would they so unless there is ACTUALLY a threat to the school. Though with America’s security as it is, the only thing that would happen is the government would check out all families, not touch students or inhibit their learning.
Please consider seriously doing more research!!!
Okay, so I’m all for making a political story, however, it HAS to be done well. What I mean by this is that you can’t just say that “WW3 will start because America learnt that Russia has used weaponry on civilians and has nuclear weapons.” You can’t just leave it there without explanation, that can be seen as racist.
As a Kiwi who is currently living in one of these two countries, I find it offensive on behalf of both of them. Why would Russia suddenly kill its citizens or use nuclear weapons? Reason and motive need to be explained. As for America, the answer is in its history. They have only EVER gone to war when it has an effect on them. Take WW2 for instance, despite continually being asked by everyone, they didn’t join for three years UNTIL Japan attacked them. They’d have more reason to attack North Korea in this present time.
It’s also not called a peace treaty, as it was an agreement drawn up (sometime after WW2) to say they both wouldn’t use their nuclear weapons. A peace treaty is what we have in NZ between the Brits and Maori.
I just suggest that you do your research first and give more of an explanation.
Hope this helps,
Well, if you do, and make it much shorter, then I’m happy to reread it for you, if need be!
Holy crap. @xXMagicalUnicornXx feel free to contact me about the plot since Im Russian
I really don’t want to get all political, but regardless if it’s about Russians, or any other nation, I find it quite concerning to portray whole nation as plain evil, especially since there is a major negative propaganda already. This really might affect people, especially young minds into hating whole nation.
You’re Russian, whereabouts? Don’t feel obligated to share! I’m in Moscow myself.
I couldn’t agree more. BUT if you were to do so, THEN proper research and explanation MUST be given!
I say that Im Russian, but it is rather simplified description. My native is Russian, while originally I am half Polish half Ukrainian, and live in Latvia, near Russia. I say that Im Russian, mostly because I feel more connected to this country, due to my history knowledge, their mentality, and my native language. Kinda weird huh? I was in Russia many times, in Moscow as well I know, we are supposed to say our nationality based on our parents origin, but it’s kinda different to me. I just feel more connected to this country than to any other.
I always thought u r Australian tho
This acknowledgement warms my heart.
No, I believe you can belong to whichever nation you please, regardless of parentage. Besides, Lavita is close enough anyway and not that much different.
Australian?! How dare you?! (runs in the corner to cry) Nah, kidding, all gravy!
Really? Why? 'Cause I know WW2 history?
Dear god, it’s Latvia :DDD
Because most don’t know ^^
So your native is Russian or what?
OH GOD! I’m sorry, that’s either autocorrect OR I’m not paying attention 'cause dealing with other stuff. Sooo sorry!
That’s true! It’s just sad when we have the world (Internet) at our fingertips.
Nah, not at all. My Russian is TERRIBLE! I’m a native-English speaker, no Russian heritage at all!
So how u ended up in Moscow? Sorry for the off-topic, this is the last, I swear
Oh, I’m an ESL teacher.
Alright then, quoting the first post in a small attempt to remain “on-topic”
Guys! I just wanna say! It’s not how the plot continues! It changes! I’m not trying to paint Russia as the bad guy! I’ll PM so you guys can get what I mean. @CrazyCaliope
I’m a terrible person and I’m so sorry for taking so long!
Yes, absolutely, when I proofread a story, I do the full works. No worries!
For chapter one:
Narrator: “Alright. Less text for you. …”
Intro: “Tribe of Malapinchi is developed from the accumulation of…”
Intro: “Based on real geography and world history, and that’s where most… …are derived from.”
Intro: “Certain scenes are from the author’s and their family member’s experiences.”
Intro: “Using other devices, aside from phones, may cause some scenes to be cut.”
Intro: “…(P.S. if you are deaf or hearing impaired…”
Intro: “…topics and explicit content, such as… …scenes, and strong language, which…” - add commas
Seriously, the “splash”, or intro thing, is WAY too long, and most of the information ISN’T needed! This is basic information that most, if not all, Episode readers should know.
OMG though. That beginning, once it actually started, blew my fucking mind! So creepy and scary and amazing, all at the same time!
But yeah, how did you even do that? With no face, then a face but no head! JUST WOW!
You: “But it felt so real as if it actually did happen.” - remove the comma
You: “Like where on Earth are Eric, Walter, and Jeffery?” - add a comma
Jindara (text): “J. Babe, you better get me some good food!” - Though it is a text, so it isn’t necessary unless they use grammar properly (character-wise).
Jindara: “Look, we
just got here a while ago.” - You can’t have just arrived but been here a while. It’s either one or the other.
Jindara: “…instead of on holiday…”
Rudo: “…behave like one at times.”
Why are there THREE MCs? Pick one (maybe two) and stick with them. Having them be the only thoughts we hear. It’s more mysterious and is a lot better for character development.
Jindara: “Couldn’t Rudo have driven passed a better and safer looking pace? Like a resort.”
Rudo: “Take it from Miss Dress-for-a-resort, beside me here.” - add a comma
You: “True. I’m also hungry and I love food too.”
You: “But as the leader, and the one who started this project, …”
Rudo: "Mmm… a big, responsible, leader girl, aren’t you now?"
Rudo: “The guys and I always ended up getting caught.”
You: “I’m the one who started this project because…”
You: “Why on Earth would she follow…”
You: “She seemed very uneasy since we arrived here.”
You: “…in my exams and end up here?”
You: “Gosh, grow up, [you] …” - add a comma.
Rudo: “We are here for a documentary… …Not a photoshoot.”
Rudo: “So? We’re here for a reason, not to have fun, …” - add a comma
Darla: “Who come onto my property and spill their nonsense over me.”
You: “… The boys and my grades are on the line.”
You: “…Jindara is our reporter.” Journalist OR reporter, not both.
Jindara: “A journalist has to look good.”
You: “I’ve been having the same constant dreams…”
Jindara: “How much more must I take for me to…”
Jindara: “…It was right in front of you in the car.”
Rudo: “You know I’m such a blur person…” - What’s a blur person? I don’t know what you’re trying to say!
Jindara: “Not even the local police believed me, nor can do anything about it at the time, and neither could they now.”
Rudo: “Jindara, that’s no way to talk…” - you also don’t need to add the name on the end.
Jindara: “…directions, OR BETTER YET, taken a cab from the airport!”
Jindara: “…driven in circles and would have already…”
Jindara: “Oh, great! I left my charger in the car too!”
Rudo: “…rent and drive a car than to take a cab”
Jindara: “GPS maps, nor on any hard copy maps!”
Jindara: “Here is no place to mess around…”
Jindara: “I don’t want any of us to end up…”
Jindara: “…I just hope I get there safely.”
Jindara: “Don’t worry about me!”
You: “No, Jindara, wait!” - add commas
Rudo: “On the plane, while we were on our way here.”
Rudo: “…jumped down from [you]'s window.”
Rudo: “Is it just me or does the temperature feel like it just dropped -20 degrees Celsius?”
Rudo: “I really need to get my eyesight checked.”
For starters, the last line in the summary scared me. I admit that I like chapters to be slightly than most do (maybe half the length of your) and so do many others. The average that most readers like is 10-15 minutes, so it’s a little. … I mean, the intro was great but then the next scene is just ONE in the room and rather boring. It either gives information with no explanation or boring information that can be more concise, thus making it shorter.
Stop adding “local” to everything, there’s no need.
There are some great jump scares, BUT it’s FAR TOO long with a lot of dialogue that is pointless. I got as far as the flashback, but couldn’t continue because I got too bored. Sorry about that. However, if if was tightened up then I’d love to read more.
Hope this helps,
Thank you!! Caliope!!! No worries! I know different readers have different attention spans and have different exposure hehe. So I dont mind.
But I love my splash. Its tappable so readers can just tap away. Plus theres also the option to read without the disclaimers hahah.(hehehe must read carefully. I know some readers might get bored so I did include a skip disclaimers option). So instead of the usual wait for the disclaimers to end one can tap away until it ends. Its great! But I will cut down on it the disclaimers. Most readers but not all know hahha hence the reminders. Something as basic as refresh the screen if glitches is something logical but people still dont know hehehe.
There are no 3 MCs hahaha. Why do you think that though? Those are just her friends. True because recent feedback for character development… like a round character was presented to me so I try make Jindara and Rudo have some character and personality. They are not MCs hahaahah.
But still thank you!!!