Deadly Desire - Episode 1 By Ahana
Runtime: 7m 37s
Overall
- Very fast paced.
- There are few grammatical mistakes. However, your mistakes are inconsistent. You’ll write something grammatically correct in one scene, but you’ll write it incorrectly in another.
- Good use of directing and layering in most scenes, expect the bar scene where a character is layered incorrectly.
- Good use of sound and music up until the bar scene. Then there is a lack of music until the final scene.
- This episode is heavily narrarted. I’d recommend using more “show, not tell”.
The questions are rhetorical. Everything I state is my opinion.
Description
The description could be reworded to sound more enticing.
Content Warnings
Why do you have a background and speechbubble with the same warning?
Author's Note
Author’s notes are unnecessary. There are a few grammar mistakes in this scene, including a comma at the end of a sentence and capitalisation.
Today LA
Why is NIGHT MONSTER capitalised?
Add a comma to the sentence below.
Obviously, I’m not the queen of hell.
The glass is removed before the scene ends, but Lilith is still drinking. You don’t need to remove it because the scene has ended.
Two Years Age
Add commas to the sentence below.
Olivia’s father, Collin Jones, is dad’s friend and our lawyer.
Yesterday. New York
Speechbubbles are not aligned with the characters.
Meanwhile in LA
The speechbubble covers the outfit. Some can figure out what it looks like as they’d have seen it before. For those who can’t, use a 1 second pause to allow the reader to see it.
Meanwhile (Bar Scene)
The character using the cup animation isn’t holding a prop.
Good use of layering.
OLIVIA
Are you coming from the fight?
OLIVIA
How was it?
LILTH
Every opponent is dumb.
There are some grammactical issues, regarding commas and full stops.
There is a lack of sound and music.
After the funeral
The female character is layered incorrectly.
Lilith's house
Use a pause to allow her to do the cigarette animation twice. Currently, it cuts out half of the first animation.
Lilith scales down drastically and she exits.
