I think Iām finished with Episode 1 of my story, but I want someone elseās feedback.
Please be honest, I can take the criticism!
Hereās the Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5915374336671744
BTW: There will be a cover soon!
I think Iām finished with Episode 1 of my story, but I want someone elseās feedback.
Please be honest, I can take the criticism!
Hereās the Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5915374336671744
BTW: There will be a cover soon!
Still wating for some feedback!
iāll read it and come back when iām done
Iām reading it now. How detailed do you want your feedback?
i finished reading and here is my review!:
good luck with your story!
The biggest things were how fast your pans moved, and when the MC was talking to Sarah in the hallway. It kept zooming back and forth. I would either have the screen on both of them at the same time during the conversation, or zoom in enough where you donāt see half of the person not talking. Overall you did well for your first chapter. I like that you had a time choice as well.
Coding and directing are not my forte, so Iāll be focusing on the scene itself.
In the beginning authorās note, use ā[ā¦}bear with me*ā. Bear vs. bare is an easy mix up.
I have whiplash from the posthaste romance/story conflict. Thatās not to say you canāt introduce a prospective love interest or story conflict relatively early, or even at the very start, but I think you would benefit from doing it more subtly. As they stand, itās very ham-fisted. We make our character, have some filler conversation about homework, are introduced to the love interest, get some heavy and not-so-subtle foreshadowing about the soon-to-be conflict, and then witness the actual conflict rise from the gurney like Frankensteinās monster. Essentially, we have two major scenes (love interest and conflict) for the first episode. Thatās not very much, consideringā¦
Itās rushed. At the risk of driving you absolutely insane with additional coding and scene directing, I would suggest that you add more between the existing scenes. Itās the first episode and I walk away from it not knowing who my character is as a person, who my best friend is as a person, who the love interest is as a person, and how this conflict will affect us/them. Weāve seen nothing about the main characterās social standing or reputation to be truly jarred by the prospect of having it ruined.
Maybe show the MC interacting with a teacher or other students. Set the stage. Give us more context. Do her teachers respect her? Does she cause trouble in class? Is the school small and unassuming? Do they have cliques or does everyone intermingle? Is our character an outcast, an Average Joe, or someone with influence? Is the love interest someone in or out of our league? I also suggest introducing the TV show in some other fashion that doesnāt make a character name-drop the show and sputter out the hard deets without any real prompting. It came out of left field and smacked the reader like, āHey! Welcome to the story and I will be your conflict for today!ā
The plot itself is interesting. Personally, Iād sue the TV show if that were me. (lol) Make some $$$ for identity theft.
TL:DR Show us more about the characters and donāt dive straight into the gist of the story. We donāt know enough about these people to invest ourselves in their conflicts.
It depends on the context to know which ābearā/ābareā to use. Because ābear with meā is in fact the correct expression and means ābe patient with meā.
Hope that makes sense
I cannot, in good faith, argue with the spokesperson of Bears.
You have my respect, bear.com.
Aww haha! You also have my respect, because your review on the story was so constructive, and I really admire that
Thank you guys!
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