Can someone give me feedback on Episode 1 on my story? ASAP please! 🙂

I think I’m finished with Episode 1 of my story, but I want someone else’s feedback.
Please be honest, I can take the criticism!

Here’s the Link:

BTW: There will be a cover soon!

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Still wating for some feedback!

i’ll read it and come back when i’m done :slight_smile:

I’m reading it now. How detailed do you want your feedback?

i finished reading and here is my review!:

  • i don’t know if this is simply for the test, but i’d avoid the author’s note in the beginning. you want to hook and reel your readers in so it’s better to just dive right in with the splash.
  • the pans are a bit too fast. i’d suggest slowing them down, maybe three seconds? it allows the reader to see the surroundings more without risking them getting dizzy.
  • during the character customization, the zoom shows both MC and Sarah which can take away from what we’re seeing. maybe just zoom in on MC and zoom out accordingly to showcase whatever features you’d want?
  • i like your usage of timed choices here!
  • i really like the plot and subplot that you have going on! it’s going to be really interesting.

good luck with your story!

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The biggest things were how fast your pans moved, and when the MC was talking to Sarah in the hallway. It kept zooming back and forth. I would either have the screen on both of them at the same time during the conversation, or zoom in enough where you don’t see half of the person not talking. Overall you did well for your first chapter. I like that you had a time choice as well.

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Coding and directing are not my forte, so I’ll be focusing on the scene itself.

In the beginning author’s note, use “[…}bear with me*”. Bear vs. bare is an easy mix up.

I have whiplash from the posthaste romance/story conflict. That’s not to say you can’t introduce a prospective love interest or story conflict relatively early, or even at the very start, but I think you would benefit from doing it more subtly. As they stand, it’s very ham-fisted. We make our character, have some filler conversation about homework, are introduced to the love interest, get some heavy and not-so-subtle foreshadowing about the soon-to-be conflict, and then witness the actual conflict rise from the gurney like Frankenstein’s monster. Essentially, we have two major scenes (love interest and conflict) for the first episode. That’s not very much, considering…

It’s rushed. At the risk of driving you absolutely insane with additional coding and scene directing, I would suggest that you add more between the existing scenes. It’s the first episode and I walk away from it not knowing who my character is as a person, who my best friend is as a person, who the love interest is as a person, and how this conflict will affect us/them. We’ve seen nothing about the main character’s social standing or reputation to be truly jarred by the prospect of having it ruined.

Maybe show the MC interacting with a teacher or other students. Set the stage. Give us more context. Do her teachers respect her? Does she cause trouble in class? Is the school small and unassuming? Do they have cliques or does everyone intermingle? Is our character an outcast, an Average Joe, or someone with influence? Is the love interest someone in or out of our league? I also suggest introducing the TV show in some other fashion that doesn’t make a character name-drop the show and sputter out the hard deets without any real prompting. It came out of left field and smacked the reader like, “Hey! Welcome to the story and I will be your conflict for today!”

The plot itself is interesting. Personally, I’d sue the TV show if that were me. (lol) Make some $$$ for identity theft.

TL:DR Show us more about the characters and don’t dive straight into the gist of the story. We don’t know enough about these people to invest ourselves in their conflicts.


It depends on the context to know which ‘bear’/‘bare’ to use. Because ‘bear with me’ is in fact the correct expression and means ‘be patient with me’.

Hope that makes sense :smiley:

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I cannot, in good faith, argue with the spokesperson of Bears.

You have my respect, :v:t2:

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Aww haha! You also have my respect, because your review on the story was so constructive, and I really admire that :v:t2:

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Thank you guys!

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