Here’s the details: (Note: It’s not published yet)
Title: Who’s Who?
Author: Tay11
Episodes: 2 (so far)
Genre: Drama
Style: Limelight
Description: School, friends, a crush, you live a normal life any teenage girl would. But what happens when a new girl, who looks EXACTLY like you, comes to town? (summary by @JemU776 on EF) CC
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5915374336671744
1 Like
Bump
Hi I can give you feedback - just I am really honest and I do not tend to sugar coat it so it happened to me few times people do not took it well - so let me know if you want it from me. 
Sure!
do you want it here or in PM?
Here is fine.
OK I am going to bed now so I will look to it tomorrow.
So here is my review
COVER - I havent seen it so I cant give you feedback on it
DESCRIPTION - its understandable and sums in a good way what is your story about
DIRECTING - I havent found any major directing mistakes. You seem to know how to do it.
How ever there are some things that have come to my mind. First of all you point speach bubbles directly on the mouth of the characters which results in that it covers partly their face, especially if thay do some more dramatic animaton. Usually are the bubbles lower in episode stories and it felt little bit distrsctive for me the whole time. Its not a major thing but I noticed.
You use only the episode backgounds. This is not wrong but the story would look visually more attractive for the reader if he would not see ll the time the same backgrounds as in many stories.
The classroom - you had there an apology for not having there the background characters…firt of all do not apologize for things like this - it distractive and only rises readers attention to the fact that the class doesnt look right. Also here on forum I am positive I have seen the overlays for the back tables so if you have the feeling you should have more students there look them up and add them in your story.
In this scene the guy with a book weirdly shifts to his friend - it looks like you accidently changed his spot.
In my openion you might use more different zooms during the dialogues to make the scenes less static.
But again your directing was smooth.
CHAPTER LENGHT
- the 1 and 2 chapter seemd to me to have very different lenght and that is not good. Especialy it is not good that oyur 1 chapter is reather short. I know you put there a note about it …but again as with the clas.you just raded readers attantion to the fact that even you as author know there is insuficient lenght. and that is not good. Reader jujd the story by the first episode - if they are not hooked they will not go on with the story and the same goes for the lenght. First episode is free for them but on second thay have to spend passes - and if tjey will have the feeling your first episode is too short this might be reason why they will not spend the padd on second one, because they will think they will not get enoug entertainment for it. I would strongly recomnt to redo yout 1 chapter to the same lenght as the second one. You do not need to ad plot twists but some small talk scenes would help it a bit - more to it in story telling feedback.
STORY TELLING, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ATC*
Here I see bigest space for improvement.
I do not remember seeing in your story age of the characters, but if I remember right Episede requieres the main characters ro be minimally 16 - and if they are thay do not behave like that. Their behavior and reactions evoked in me much younger childreen more like 10-12. (I don’t know your age - if it comes from that you are young writer) Simply it was in many scenes not that much realistic for me.
What is esential is that reader builds up some kind of relationship to the characters - he likes them or dislikes them… and reader love to see that each character has individual personality. Thy I havent felkt in yours story. Alls the peoole seem to moe more or less the same and I cant say I would be able to describe their character.
I would sugest to really get to know your characters imagine how are they how they think and react, know them like if they are your family - it will be than more easilly to make them more 3D for you and make also the dialogues more realistic and interesting.
What I really didint liked was how you interupted the sotry to tell me who that person is. First of all it drags reader out of story and second all of that is possible to show throung the small scenes - which are really missing especially in 1 chapter.
For example there is the boy who records everything…I do not heed you to tell me that through narrator…you can give me this information throung dialogue of the two girls… also if you will add more what the girls think your him and his video making it would help me to more understand the characters…istead she just ask if she knows him ad the scene ends and it feels like it fall there out of thw blue because it has no connection to next scene.
This feeling that I received informations in wrong time I have several times - the most distractive was the one where you showd me the characters of the TV show…but I havent seen the TV show in this chapter and I alredy forgot all the information - I just remember there are 2 girls and 2 boys both love interest of the girls…so I wonder why I needed this information in this moment? Was it really necessary for the story flow to tell me now? I dont think so.
The scene in class how they wave at each other - this felt the most as little kids and not almost adults.
Also in this scene the narrators would actually help if you would more describe the inner world of MC…I just know she thought she “made him happy” which is um…bit weird …16 year old girl will probalby thing about million other things than just she made him happy.
The female friend - dunno if it is the more agresive animations you use for her but I kinda didnt like her and I didnt felt that they are friends - especially in the first episode.
After the rovot attack the teacher…the reaction of MC and her friends was for me not realistic… I meand there was jsut a double of me attacking teqacher and I got the blame - I would totaly flipp out from what is going on, who was that girl, is she my lost twin or what the hell was that…and MC seem almost not bother she “doesnt feel OK” but we do not see what she thinks and she seems to me too calm for this situation - again here is good place for let me know through narrators or dialogiue what she also thinks about it and how exactly she feels about what happend - I meancshe is super sensitive she got the bad wibe before it happend so somobody wsith such level of sensitivity will probably think a lot about what happend…but instead she is just making photo of the teacher the same goes for her friend.she tels her to think on zack to calm down? Um… that was bit strange.
The reacher scene…how comes the phone rinnging didnt woked him up? Is pretty loud! More realistic would be if she would get sms and than call the friends back.
For example U have no idea why MC likes Zack - but this is pretty important for reader to understand it so she can simpatize with MC…Zack is kinda shy nerdy dont talk much to people so he is not the obviouse candidate for a crush…so why does she like him? I even from the 2 chapters dont know what kind of relationship they have so far… do they know each other from school but never really talked? are they friends?..I from the staring an waving got feeling they do not really know each other - this you dont do if it is your friend… but without any problems they are all going to watch together a TV show…which looks like they are friends after all… this was bit uncertain and confuzing. Its not wrong just there was missing something to explain me the kind of relationship they have to make it more clear.
In general I really like your plot idea it is original and had a lot of potential to it. But I would sugest to work bit more on the smooth story flow, realism of the dialogues and scenes and the depth of all the main characters.
Take some story you liked and reread it one more time… and this time look at it and learn from it - how the author builds up atmosphere how he creates the dialogues and how he let you naturaly know and like the characters atc…You will probalby notice that he has in the story small scenes which seemingliy are not directly related to main story but help you a lot to know the characters - this scenes I was missing the most in your story.
Sorry for my English - its not my native language so I do a lot of typos. Hope it will be still understandable and it will help you.
If you do not like or disagree with what I wore remember it is just opinion of one person and it doesnt reprezent all readers.
1 Like
Thank you so much! I’ll keep this in mind!
2 Likes
If you ever need help with any directing or writing, I’d be happy to assist you!
1 Like
This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.