Can someone please read and review my first episode?

Can someone please read my first episode? The second and third are just a repeat of the first because I couldn’t publish without having three episodes done, I probably coulda made it less confusing sorry this is my first time ever posting on forums and posting a story

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I think that is the link if not its called “Demons” and it’s in the drama section

I’ll read it right now and post in a few minutes what I think

Weird. I can’t find it!

I’ll try to figure it out, if you click the link on a phone or iPad and it takes you to a new webpage click read story after install it will take you to the story on the app

I tried that, but it didn’t work! I’m going to try again later though!

Ok, thank you for trying it is the thought that matters :grin:

If you’re trying to look on an android phone/tablet, it doesn’t work. Apparently there’s a problem with all the androids or at least most of it and only seems to work on IOS.

so you only want us to read episode 1 or is the story continuing in episode 2 and 3?

Hello! Here’s my feedback on your episode one! I’m sorry if it seems too harsh, I’m really just being honest.

1: First transition to the building goes way too fast, we don’T even have time to process what is going on on our screen.

2: Punctuations! Really important or else it could be really confusing. We don’t know if it’s a question or an exclamation, if the sentenced if continued in another paragraph or not.

3: Transition sit to stand makes her slide from the bed instead of standing up from the floor.

NOTE It’s cool, my name is actually Kayla.

NOTE 2.0 DANG GIRL! I LOOOVE the idea of the silhouette speaking to the girl! I legit swore on how cool that was.

NOTE 3.0 Though about adding sound and music? A lot of readers enjoy more stories with sound and music as it draws the reader’s attention even more on your story.

NOTE 4.0 LOVE the hair brushing action when you change your hair! **

4: Before Lillie says “are you going to the beach” She faces the wrong way.

5: There are a few spelling mistakes, take a look at it.

6: I feel like the conversations between characters are a bit too short. like: “Let’s party” “I think it’s a bad idea” “Oh” “nah! I crack myself up”. Maybe be more like “Let’s party!” " Well you know, I actually think that it’s a bad idea now" “Wait what? Why?” “I’m joking. I do crack myself up sometimes. We should go! And don’t back up!” Etc.

7: The scene where they are in the bathroom and leave, Kyla randomly appears on the screen once again before transition!

NOTE 5.0 The “do you think the demon was annoying? Well it’s only going to get worse” cracked me up.

OVERALL

Directing Very good! There are some mistakes here and there but overall it’s really good! Especially for a first story.

Lenght A bit short for my liking, usually people enjoy longer stories that lasts for 10-15 minutes. Maybe consider that a bit. Also, when publishing a story, it is important to publish it with 3 different chapters so the readers can binge-read all 3 of them. If publishing one chapter, readers tend to forget or leave the story. The 3 episodes are really just to determinate if you wanna read more or not, so that is really important.

Ending I enjoy the ending, I like the idea of adding a “next episode”. Maybe you can also add on the next chapter:" Previously on episode 1" You can use reader’s messages, you can look up how to use these. (They are the little messages appearing on your screen on the top)

Plot Really interesting, the conversations however are going really fast and are not really catching the reader’s attention to stay.

ELSE Note that the beginning of episode 2, the zoom is still on! Don’t forget to do zoom reset ater.

Hope this text didn’t discourage you, on the contrary this is purely in hopes to help you!

Thank you! This helped a lot! I do have one question, how do I make her stand up smoothly? Also sorry for a late reply I totally forgot I asked for reviews.

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