Can you give me feedback on these songlyrics?

Hi! In my story, there’s a love song. I wrote the lyrics but I just don’t know. I wanted something in there where he thanks her because she’s helped him getting his act together but then there’s the fact he’s not together enough to tell her how he really feels about her. Okay it’s more complicated but that story is too long :woman_facepalming: :smile: Any ideas?

My mind won’t cooperate
You left me in this undone state
I wish I could tell you
How much I want to hold you
And trace your neck with my lips
But I keep losing grip
You are everything
My purpose and my demise
How I keep drowning in your eyes
Blue as the sea I long to swim in
I can’t tell you how much I
Want to love you ‘till I die
Something
Is holding me back
You’re everything I can’t lose
It breaks my heart merely thinking you
You might be the end of me
You are everything
My purpose and my demise
How I keep drowning in your eyes
Blue as the sea I long to swim in
I can’t tell you how much I
Want to love you ‘till I die
You are everything

English is not my first language and I’m open to feedback.

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This is great! I love it. A quick tip: Try to keep the rhyming in a pattern as some of them rhyme and another word comes in and ruins the pattern. E.g

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Ah, good one! Thank you! It sounded good in my head but now I see I switched a couple of lines! It might be better:
You’re my purpose and my demise
How I keep drowning in you eyes
Blue as the ocean I long to swim in
You are everything
The bridge “something is holding me back etc” wasn’t meant to rhyme but maybe I can change it so it does.
Thank again, it’s much appreciated!

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Owww and any ideas for a songtitle?! :blush:

Loved that! Song title? I got a few:

  1. A Thought Of You
  2. My Everything
  3. Life With You
  4. Dear (characters name, e.g Dear Sarah)
  5. All I need
  6. Wanting You
  7. Only you
  8. You and Me
    Hope you like any of these x
    :blush:
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You’re the best! :heart: Thank you!

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You’re most welcome!:kissing_heart: Good Luck with your story! Make sure you send me a link or the name so I can read it.:wink:

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It’s not published yet, but if you like you can see the performance in episode 5

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Thanks! I’ll give you some feedback once I’ve finished :smile:

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Oh, that would be SO nice :heart: Thank you! I appreciate it so much!

No problem!:smile:

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