Can you review the first episode?

Hello, I‘m looking for someone who can review my unpublished story (only the first episode) because I really need a review on the first episode. Please be detailed (grammar, interesting, etc.). Let me know if you are interested! :heavy_heart_exclamation:

Details

Story Title: Fame and Glory
Author Name: Samantha79

Story Genre: Romance/ drama
Story Description: I stepped on the red carpet and became famous. I wanted everything under one condition - to fall in love at the end, not at the beginning.
Others: LL, CC, choices matter

Link to my story:

I love Fame and Glory! Check it out! http://bit.ly/EpisodeHere #episode

It’s my first story!

Pls do it for me!
(I already opened a topic like that but I‘m interested in more people what their opinion is! :innocent:)

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Hi try check here :smile:

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Thank you :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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I can’t request there! Can someone else do it for me pls?

@JemU776, @LiyahxWrites can you help, please?

I don’t know why it isn’t working :cry:

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That link is just taking me to the App Store.

What do you mean? Is should be detailed and yeah

Oh I can try to send it again.

This one works, thanks.

Are you looking for an all around critique or something specifically geared toward narrative or grammar/spelling or directing etc.?

I really want a critique review and also maybe you can also look on the grammer and so on. So everything you write.

During the scene with Faye & Vic::

•They should be closer.
•Faye appeared out of no where, instead of being on the screen before.
•“I take care of MANY things. I often forget lots of details.”

Couple questions, how old are you and is English your native language?

No englisch is not my native language. And I‘m still learning Englisch so I Hope I didn‘t do that much mistakes.

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Thanks.

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Hi, @Nessya Our requests are closed at the moment as we are filled up with reviews to do but we will open again later :yay: :gift_heart: :blob_hearts:

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It’s not too bad. I would suggest you get a fluent speaker to proof read each episode for you. There’s some structural problems and misuse of words, some of it just sounds awkward. Like instead of “Why did Matteo has to say something like that?” It should be “Why did Matteo have to say something like that?” Or instead of “Being famous doesn’t mean running around naked just because many like it.” (Which makes sense it’s just not how people talk) it could be “Being famous doesn’t mean you have to run around naked just because people like it.”

Your opening doesn’t seem to make sense to the story, the last line implies the story is going to be about how she got her job, but then we see her already working (doing what, I’m not sure because you never explain what her job actually is?). Also the line “And that’s just the beginning of everything that comes after that…” is odd and repetitive, it should just be “And that’s just the beginning.”

Did you mean CEO instead of CBO?

I’m not sure what you meant by “Hit with a limousine”, also anyone can hire a limo they aren’t that expensive, I’m not sure why you’re so focused on it. Most CEOs have town cars with private drivers.

If you’re going to make a point of stating Faye isn’t important because of her family in the opening you should make it clear why someone would think that in the first place in the same chapter or it doesn’t make sense to have it in the opening.

Faye bragging up her own importance and wealth makes her very unlikable especially since we don’t know what she does or why she’s “famous”. CEOs are rarely famous outside of their industries so I really don’t see why Faye would be famous unless she’s from a famous family in which case the started-from-the-bottom vibe is bogus.

I don’'t know why Brian is trying to brag up being an assisted or why Faye is treating him like garbage, is she supposed to be unlikable? People take their assistants to things all the time, unlike a limo, an assistant is a status symbol and if she’s so damn busy and forgets things wouldn’t she want him there?

There’s nothing between Faye and her love interest, she just says he’s hot and he kisses her in the dark for no reason and without her consent (which is creepy BTW). There’s no tension or build up, no chemistry, there’s nothing romantic about it, there’s nothing attractive about it.

Matteo never told anyone he didn’t have a sister he just never mentioned having a sibling, I don’t know what Faye is so angry about, they haven’t spoken for five years why would he talk about her? Also he’s just standing around minding his business, wearing what he wants to wear. Faye comes off like a hater, slut shaming him for his choices. It’s just an open button down he didn’t show up in his chones. This makes her seem really prudish, judgmental and unlikable. Again. If she’s supposed to be then it’s perfect, if she’s not you should fix this. Give her a reason to dislike her brother and be snarky with him, give her a reason to be okay with a stranger grabbing her in the dark and kissing her without her permission (seriously that is assault and it is not sexy), tell us why she’s famous even though she doesn’t seem to be in the public eye.

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Thank you! It really helped me. So I will try to fix that. And thanks again! :heavy_heart_exclamation:

You’re welcome, feel free to PM me if you have something else you need reviewed.

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