Complete honesty wanted

would any one be willing to check out my story and let me know how i’m doing and offer any advice

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Okay, I’ve read through episode two and this is my “complete honesty wanted” review.

Cover: Perfect. Makes me want to click on it. It’s weird. I just love weird stuff. It probably wasn’t supposed to be weird- but it looks weird and I like it like that.
Big Cover: Uhh… idk what’s going on there
Description: It’s either cliche or plain or both but I really can’t tell. However, that didn’t make me any more disinterested in the story. It just makes you story seem like it’ll be just like any other kidnapping/escape story.
Title: I wasn’t going to put this in but PLEASE correctly capatalise the title because it looks like an unfinished sentence in its current state.


Other

Backgrounds/Overlays: Idk if you added you own stuff but I liked what I saw. I especially liked the part where Light literally knocked down 4 guys in a row with the wolf-dog-thing overlay :joy: The New Orleans background when Damphir and Light were traveling was zoomed out waaaaayy too much, though. So. Much. Black. Space.
Animations/Directing: The directing is okay. Simple, but okay. Just how I like it. Characters often talk without using a talk animation, which is kind of disorienting but I guess it’s okay, too. You experimented a lot with @pan during this one conversation and it was slow but I guess :joy:
Sound: None?
Spelling and Punctuation: Your spelling is okay, but your punctuation reminds me of a lot of people whose native language isn’t English. So I’m guessing your native lesson isn’t English or you’re in the 9th grade or less. I can understand it just fine but I can see why it would turn people off, too.
Dialogue Boxes: Instead of just getting an off-screen character to speak for themselves, you sometimes put another character’s dialogue inside the on-screen character’s box; with the off-screen character’s dialogue immediately following just their name and parenthesis. If that makes sense. Ironic I’m talking about grammar all the time but I love run-ons. My favourite mistake to make. Run-ons and comma splices. :joy:

But anyway, example:

      LIGHT
 Do you know light?

      LIGHT
 KINDRA: I know Light!

And that’s just weird honestly. Furthermore, for the transition between this AND what I believe is narration, there is no clear line. The narration is ALSO inside the SAME dialogue boxes. So basically what I got from the first 5 minutes of the first episode is that the main character swallowed a little person and now they’re talking out of her stomach. Or maybe it was her subconscious? Idk but you did it with more than one character so my point still stands.

In even MORE addition, you sometimes break off sentences weirdly. Don’t be afraid to finish a sentence that looks long in one line. I promise it won’t look bad while playing. It’s worse when you try to compromise and start off the middle of a sentence with a capital letter in the next line.

Further and even furthermore, no use of @spotbubble commands even though in this particular story, it seems like it needs to be used.

Progression of Time: No. :joy:


Pros: I did like the length of the episode. That was fun.

In the first dressing game, the choices were the exact name of the outfit and I just thought it was funny. Also, the outfits were cute.

You had CC. Always good to have that option in ink. Ink is the only variation of Episode where ALL of the characters look alike.

I also liked how in the coffee shop I was asked if I really wanted to get a caramel frappe like it was a wrong answer. :tea::frog:

The story so far is endearing. I kind of want to read more; and, to be honest, I probably would if the “mates” didn’t look like they were supposed to be 8 at one point. That’s just… weird. And it only works in Twilight. And it barley works there :joy:

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