@loveyourself - College Days: Mysterious Northview
1st Episode
- The thing with filters. No matter how u put the command they still appear too late in the scene. To avoid this, I put the black background, add the filter, just put minimal pause command and proceed with the next scene. This way the filter be applied from the very beginning. Now it appears only after u pan to right zone. Same with the end.
- After that girl, who’s being beaten, runs away from that lady in black, she stops and stands smiling. You can put something like @CHARACTER starts react_animation
- Your mature theme splash are kinda cut from the top. I’ve no idea why it happens to so many stories. Either size is wrong, or the screen was zoomed.
- Adelinde comes way too fast like there’s no time value in a walk to spot command.
- Plus Luna stands with the after-callout-animation weird frozen face until Adelinde finished her speech.
- Arden pops-out, after transition only.
- Check speechbubble positions, at least at Arden part, when she’s in bed, it’s off.
- Hum. TBH, not a fan when authors, to get character our of bad, make just walk. In your case you made MC walk from spot position to screen left/right/center, and I think without timing, so she gets kinda big really fast.
- The closet scene, character slides in. Dunno why, but check it.
- Customization template is kinda messed up. “Done” tabs are kinda at the wrong places. There are also no new eyebrows, noses I think too.
- OK. The thing about Limelight is that women are taller than men. When u put a character with screen left/right/center commands, it looks like girls are taller. While it is a legit thing but looks very weird when the daughter is taller than her dad.
- I’m not sure about the thing when MC walks to the closet to get CC, then goes to her dad, and then to change again. Seems like a filler, and doesn’t add anything to the plot.
- “Let’s get going?” and MC answers “What?”… Why “What?” and not “Why?”. Seems like a mistake. And MC doesn’t know she’s supposed to be checking college today? And didn’t ask why she needed to get dressed? Lack of logic here.
- TBH, I dunno what is happening at the moment, meaning with all the author’s narrations, and car crashes and stuff. Hopefully will. But it’s kinda weird to see these predictions in the middle of the episode.
- Um… I don’t get it… They were in the car, then the car disappeared. I thought some kind of magic made the car disappear, but then we see a car crashed with MC… Don’t get what happened.
- I don’t think u use & or @CHARACTER starts… commands, cause when you make a scene, and character stands for example in the 3rd zone, you pan to it, and the character starts animation only when panning stoped.
- I advise not to use on camera animation unless u have breaking-the-4th-wall thing going in ur story. Lucas used eyeroll on camera I think.
- Um… Not a fan when authors put choices for secondary characters. I’m supposed to get connected with MC or MC’s if there are more than one…
- I don’t get Lucas line about “Can I hide?” It just doesn’t make sense to me.
- Next scene u have the transition going twice. Dunno why, but check it.
At the end of the 1st chapter, I honestly have no idea what is happening…
2nd Episode
- When Venetia walks to MC (hospital room bg). MC positioned at spot command, and Venetia walks to screen center… Entering and exit commands mess with the layer your character is supposed to be on. So Venetia is behind the MC, up until she stops walking.
- “Yes, I am” speechubble is too high. And for the next lines, speechbubble tail is facing the wrong way.
- Flashback. MC appears after her dad makes his animation. It happens when u put one character command with animation put as “is” not as “starts”.
- Well… Be skeptical. It’s not really a choice since we know she is evil. I think maybe you shouldn’t have shown Venetia’s evil side, for more suspense.
- Shoot 3 times with pauses to fall down. Kinda weird. And you would expect a witch to kill someone with magic. What’s the point in magic if u don’t use it. Seems more like u went with the easy way of animation over additional overlays.
- Auditorium spot positions are way off, and Venetia walks to the stage again from the enter screen command, which makes it look like she’s walking on top of seats. I am pretty sure u dunno how to make character enter using spot commands. Here’s a note->
Tips, tricks & discussions: How to make your story better - “I’m the new headmistress, something unfortunate happened to her yesterday”. This doesn’t make sense. I know what u mean, but still. It could be like “Something happened to the headmistress yesterday so I am taking her position.”
- “She protects Eleonora from curse”. Nopenopenope. That’s not how we do it. You either have narrator through all the story or you don’t. You don’t just include narration when u don’t want to make additional directing.
- Northview academy scene where a bunch of characters stands. Looks like u dunno how to use simultaneous animations either. You just put everything in one line like @CHARACTER1 is animation and CHARACTER2 is animation and…
- Dude in a red flannel shirt is talking to no one with his animation, while the girl with red eyes is just watching on camera creepy…
- Um… MC’s dad just died, and she’s cheering over college.
- The flame overlay is not layered right. It appears in front of Nayeon when it’s supposed to be behind since it is in the back of the room.
- Um… She doesn’t know how she did magic, then she casts a spell using specific words?
Overall.
Length is very good, and grammar I think was very well as well.
Directing is really really messy. I wrote a real lot. Directing is one of the things that makes the whole plot confusing as hell. I didn’t get the most that was happening in the 1st chapter. In the 2nd I started to get something, but then again… A lot of characters doing something, saying something, and I just can’t connect it and stay sane. I only got that there are two realms, MC is a witch, and there’s a magic school with that Venetia chick taking over. That’s it.
Choices. There wasn’t a lot of them, and only one I think (outfit) was for MC. I don’t see any sense to make choices for secondary characters. Especially I am very against choices that don’t give us any context. Even if you’ve guaranteed that every option has consequences, if players have no idea what the consequences of their decisions will be, it becomes impossible to make a meaningful choice.
What else makes the story confusing. I mentioned some stuff with the dialogue, like how some sentences or events don’t make sense or are simply illogical.
Hum… My advice would be… I guess to make a proper plot scheme and fill character questionnaires… Cuz when your characters act illogically it means you don’t have a clear vision. And work work work on your directing. You can figure it out, judging by what I see, but there has to be much more work done, and research as well.
Hopefully, it was helpful.