@cc_episodewriter - Princess of Darya
In your request you mentioned that u want feedback on how to help with the reader retention. I can’t tell u anything specific, besides making your story interesting right from the first episode. I have quite a good retention, as I noticed, and that’s the thing. Make your story as good as you possibly can, in terms of directing, sure, but more importantly in terms of plot, and characters. (IMO, good characters are more important for overall impression than plot.)
1st Episode
- I would correct the description. I’m a bitch about grammar (as much as I can, cuz I’m not a native Eng speaker). First of all water_fire_earth_wind thing - no mi gusta. Maybe you can even request a description from Help with Story Descriptions from Jadlyss? I like the second part of the description tho, cuz I’m a sucker for forbidden romances.
- I’m a fan of when authors name their chapters.
- Lovely introduction. One thing I can propose as a paranoid person is to make everything (meaning usual stuff, like splashes etc.) in one style.
- I loved how u showed the earth element, animated. Maybe you can do the same with others? Cuz when u started with water and fire, it got me bored a bit, but the earth was really cool. Like sea waves, and fire burning, maybe for the wind to show like it moves leaves or smthg,
- OK. I’m absolutely not a fan of choices if I have no idea what to choose. I just met these characters, Manzur and Darcia, so the choice here puzzles me a lot, not in a good way. I’m also one of those who appreciates choices only for MC - because I play as MC, so I shouldn’t decide for other secondary characters anything.
- Just a suggestion, but it’s up to ur idea of course. I noticed u don’t have hair color choice in CC. Maybe it would work to make choice of a few blue tones Episode has?
- When we see Princess of wind. That overlay, although done amazingly well, I would suggest cutting the bars, that are supposed to be behind her, to make it look a bit more realistic.
- Check ur speechbubbles. I noticed they are positioned too low from time to time. Maybe u did it intentionally so that u don’t cover their dresses. But the problem with positioning speechbubbles too low from the head is that while I read the text, I can’t really look at their faces, and see the animation, u know.
- The protectors’ fight scene is kinda off. Black dude is hitting a girl, and she reacts on it too slow. Check it. Their animations aren’t synchronized.
- Hum. I’m not sure about swimming suit option since they all sorta have this fantasy outfits, which are more associable with medieval? Maybe smthg like tank top and shorts would work better? Dunno.
- Yikes. I wouldn’t make her walk on the water Jesus-style. Maybe u can make sea overlay, and show her only walking out of it, closer to the shore? Would look much much better.
- Weird how she saw him only being one meter away. She was walking out of the water lol
- Lol. Aerwyna is awkwardly funny Btw. dunno, if u should keep her name as Princess Aerwyna. The title in name alienates reader, kinda. I think O_o
- First episode length is good enough for me. Sets straight the main idea of the plot introduces to the story universe, and the main character, plus good ending.
2nd Episode
- When Sarid tells PA (princess Aerwyna for short) about him, u put identical animation for a couple of consecutive dialogue lines. Not a fan. Mingle them a bit.
- Nonono. I hate that female voice sounds :DDD dunno if I’m the only one, but they give me creeps. And also they kill the voice I imagined in my head for the MC.
- OK. So I noticed that sometimes u use “storyteller” narration, and sometimes MC narration. I would pick something one def. If u want to add MC’s thoughts, I would put them in thought speechbubbles, not as a narration. I don’t mind seeing “storyteller” narrator in fantasy stories, but keep it one, not various.
- Nooo. Don’t make them kiss so fast please X_X
- And here again, Sarid narration.
- Noooo. C’mon u don’t just see all the qualities Sarid described in someone’s eyes. I want to see MC demonstrating those qualities, not just being said by someone. And I don’t believe in this immediate-took-around-20-minutes-fall-in-love thing.
- Cool evening to night transition.
- Be careful when choosing a walk to spot commands. When PA was leaving the beach, the way u picked spot makes her kinda walk over Sarid’s knees. If she is layered in front of him, so she must be closer to the screen, so she could be scaled a bit bigger, and also her feet would be positioned lower then Sarid’s. I saw this thing more times, Pay attention.
- Sarid is calling her, then runs, she is startled, but she stays in this frozen pose, which looks weird. I suggest to make her startled, then when he stops running, make PA face him with other animation.
- I wouldn’t pick exit command for PA when she initially was placed with the spot command.
- When she runs to the castle. Why run animation, not walk_rear? Well, either way, u can just cut this piece out, it’s not really necessary, since we see her moving quietly in the castle, so we know she’s trying to be subtle.
- Again. U have this tendency to put one type of animation for a few consecutive dialogue lines. It makes it all look blander.
- Outfit choices. Make them start from capital letters. It will look better tbh.
- I suggest using transit animation when u make characters get up from sit positions. It just looks better.
3rd Episode
- Um. When PA walks to the protectors, u make her walk on the left, while facing right. It would make more sense to make her walk on the right from the beginning. That dude, who made introduction could’ve left already btw, on the left.
- Dude, that cage overlay in the first chapter was so good, but the carriage is kinda off in this chapter. It’s a shame really. Such a good scene, positioning and all, but the carriage. Don’t wanna offend anyone. If u decide to redo it, u can ask me.
- When carriage leaves the screen, characters aren’t really synchronized with it. The point of moving smoothly - u must move characters forward adding the number that us the difference btwn carriage initial spot vs end spot.
- Next scene. First of all to make the beginning of the scene smoother put characters animations with the starts command, not with is, and do it before paning to the right zone. Secondly, u put the zoom on characters with like 3-4 seconds, n while that they just sit looking awkwardly. Not a fan personally. Try instant zoom maybe? Same with the next scene. MC sits with the normal animation, and only when u zoom on her she starts being awkward. There is no awkward sitting animation I think,but u can put sit serious animation,before zooming,if u really wanna make the zoom go slowly.
Overall.
So mainly I have issues with the lack of smooth directing from time to time. I mentioned everything above so fix it if u feel like it. I would def fix speechbubbles, that are positioned so low, that I can’t see character animation with my side sight u know. So I miss basically this part.
Dialogues are good, lore as well. I didn’t quite like how fast mc and li fell fr each other, but I guess u need it for further conflict of interest, and since it’s basically a fairytale I can live with it.
I would really try to make directing smoother. I don’t say it’s bad now, not at all. It is quite advanced. But the way u made directing gives this story-dragging feeling, that might turn off some people. I feel like it could be more dynamic. The rest is very good.