Honestly, I am not asking for a review just for reads, I didnât even realise it could come across like that and Iâm so sorry it did. I really would be interested in hearing a brutally honest review on my story, and I want to make sure that the first three chapters are the best they can be before starting a 4th chapter. Once again, Iâm really sorry if it came across that I was only using this for views that is not what this request was for.
I temporary close new requests, until further notice.
I will continue reviewing stories in the waiting list in usual pace until I finish them.
TBH
I feel a bit tired of reviewing at the moment, as I point on the same directing mistakes over and over again.
I made a Tips&Tricks thread so that people could improve by themselves, and I put a lot of effort there. But in 19 reviews Iâve done since the Help thread appeared, I only saw one story that didnât contain more than half of mentioned in the thread mistakes. Which is a bit sad and frustrating for me.
I honestly enjoy helping this community, but I will do a little break after I finish the waiting list.
In the meantime, I suggest, if you are a new author, or even not new, just check this help thread, cause even without any review it is a lot of help, at least in the directing department.
The thing with filters. No matter how u put the command they still appear too late in the scene. To avoid this, I put the black background, add the filter, just put minimal pause command and proceed with the next scene. This way the filter be applied from the very beginning. Now it appears only after u pan to right zone. Same with the end.
After that girl, whoâs being beaten, runs away from that lady in black, she stops and stands smiling. You can put something like @CHARACTER starts react_animation
Your mature theme splash are kinda cut from the top. Iâve no idea why it happens to so many stories. Either size is wrong, or the screen was zoomed.
Adelinde comes way too fast like thereâs no time value in a walk to spot command.
Plus Luna stands with the after-callout-animation weird frozen face until Adelinde finished her speech.
Arden pops-out, after transition only.
Check speechbubble positions, at least at Arden part, when sheâs in bed, itâs off.
Hum. TBH, not a fan when authors, to get character our of bad, make just walk. In your case you made MC walk from spot position to screen left/right/center, and I think without timing, so she gets kinda big really fast.
The closet scene, character slides in. Dunno why, but check it.
Customization template is kinda messed up. âDoneâ tabs are kinda at the wrong places. There are also no new eyebrows, noses I think too.
OK. The thing about Limelight is that women are taller than men. When u put a character with screen left/right/center commands, it looks like girls are taller. While it is a legit thing but looks very weird when the daughter is taller than her dad.
Iâm not sure about the thing when MC walks to the closet to get CC, then goes to her dad, and then to change again. Seems like a filler, and doesnât add anything to the plot.
âLetâs get going?â and MC answers âWhat?â⊠Why âWhat?â and not âWhy?â. Seems like a mistake. And MC doesnât know sheâs supposed to be checking college today? And didnât ask why she needed to get dressed? Lack of logic here.
TBH, I dunno what is happening at the moment, meaning with all the authorâs narrations, and car crashes and stuff. Hopefully will. But itâs kinda weird to see these predictions in the middle of the episode.
Um⊠I donât get it⊠They were in the car, then the car disappeared. I thought some kind of magic made the car disappear, but then we see a car crashed with MC⊠Donât get what happened.
I donât think u use & or @CHARACTER starts⊠commands, cause when you make a scene, and character stands for example in the 3rd zone, you pan to it, and the character starts animation only when panning stoped.
I advise not to use on camera animation unless u have breaking-the-4th-wall thing going in ur story. Lucas used eyeroll on camera I think.
Um⊠Not a fan when authors put choices for secondary characters. Iâm supposed to get connected with MC or MCâs if there are more than oneâŠ
I donât get Lucas line about âCan I hide?â It just doesnât make sense to me.
Next scene u have the transition going twice. Dunno why, but check it.
At the end of the 1st chapter, I honestly have no idea what is happeningâŠ
2nd Episode
When Venetia walks to MC (hospital room bg). MC positioned at spot command, and Venetia walks to screen center⊠Entering and exit commands mess with the layer your character is supposed to be on. So Venetia is behind the MC, up until she stops walking.
âYes, I amâ speechubble is too high. And for the next lines, speechbubble tail is facing the wrong way.
Flashback. MC appears after her dad makes his animation. It happens when u put one character command with animation put as âisâ not as âstartsâ.
Well⊠Be skeptical. Itâs not really a choice since we know she is evil. I think maybe you shouldnât have shown Venetiaâs evil side, for more suspense.
Shoot 3 times with pauses to fall down. Kinda weird. And you would expect a witch to kill someone with magic. Whatâs the point in magic if u donât use it. Seems more like u went with the easy way of animation over additional overlays.
Auditorium spot positions are way off, and Venetia walks to the stage again from the enter screen command, which makes it look like sheâs walking on top of seats. I am pretty sure u dunno how to make character enter using spot commands. Hereâs a note-> Tips, tricks & discussions: How to make your story better
âIâm the new headmistress, something unfortunate happened to her yesterdayâ. This doesnât make sense. I know what u mean, but still. It could be like âSomething happened to the headmistress yesterday so I am taking her position.â
âShe protects Eleonora from curseâ. Nopenopenope. Thatâs not how we do it. You either have narrator through all the story or you donât. You donât just include narration when u donât want to make additional directing.
Northview academy scene where a bunch of characters stands. Looks like u dunno how to use simultaneous animations either. You just put everything in one line like @CHARACTER1 is animation and CHARACTER2 is animation andâŠ
Dude in a red flannel shirt is talking to no one with his animation, while the girl with red eyes is just watching on camera creepyâŠ
Um⊠MCâs dad just died, and sheâs cheering over college.
The flame overlay is not layered right. It appears in front of Nayeon when itâs supposed to be behind since it is in the back of the room.
Um⊠She doesnât know how she did magic, then she casts a spell using specific words?
Overall.
Length is very good, and grammar I think was very well as well.
Directing is really really messy. I wrote a real lot. Directing is one of the things that makes the whole plot confusing as hell. I didnât get the most that was happening in the 1st chapter. In the 2nd I started to get something, but then again⊠A lot of characters doing something, saying something, and I just canât connect it and stay sane. I only got that there are two realms, MC is a witch, and thereâs a magic school with that Venetia chick taking over. Thatâs it.
Choices. There wasnât a lot of them, and only one I think (outfit) was for MC. I donât see any sense to make choices for secondary characters. Especially I am very against choices that donât give us any context. Even if youâve guaranteed that every option has consequences, if players have no idea what the consequences of their decisions will be, it becomes impossible to make a meaningful choice.
What else makes the story confusing. I mentioned some stuff with the dialogue, like how some sentences or events donât make sense or are simply illogical.
Hum⊠My advice would be⊠I guess to make a proper plot scheme and fill character questionnaires⊠Cuz when your characters act illogically it means you donât have a clear vision. And work work work on your directing. You can figure it out, judging by what I see, but there has to be much more work done, and research as well.
Oh yeah. It means, that your scene is started, I see all the colors of the background, and only after that filter starts, and it becomes black and white.
I know it wasnât hidden, I know youâre not taking any new requests right now. I was probably planning to do some review after I finish a certain story.