Oh Okay. Then send your story when youāre ready
name: retrace
author: me. my name is Josefine
the description she never knew her dad. but after her mom gest in a coma. she takes contact to him. he was a criminal she was undercover. they both fall in love. two stories in one
my biggest concern is properly my grammar.
I am not done with chapter one completely. I am missing some sound and I am considering adding two more choices. and the scene where she holds the folder I need to redo that. cause it looks stupid. and i have not at all touch the speech bubbels yet.
edit: picture
also no need to hurry about the review. i got plenty of time
U sent me the wrong link Hereās how to find the link
I have 3 reviews to do before you. I strongly advice you to put your story through grammarly.com at least. Cuz I already see plenty of mistakes in description, and if itās the same in the story, it will be hard to read, and affect my judgement
i already use Grammarly, and honestly it does not work that great cause I have had my description through it and it says there is no mistakes
Updated
She never knew her dad, but after her mom is in a coma, she decides to contact him. He was a criminal and she was undercover. They fell in love. Two stories in one.
Much better.
But either Iām dumb or havenāt woke up completely, cause it still doesnāt make much sense to me
Okay, Iāve read it few more times It does now. Thank you
@whosalla - Starstruck
1st Episode
- Took a while to find your story, cause title is kinda common and u changed your cover
- Yuppy, my favorite authorās introductions. Totally unnecessary if u ask me. The thing about choices couldāve been told in narrator box.
- Iām not sure if you can put labels like āGiorgio Armaniā into the story. Maybe check it with Episode stuff.
- After the paparazzi scene, Next scene, Ezra is placed way too low. Check the spotting guide below, it might be handy.
- In the same scene, first Rowlandās line. Iām not really fond of writers using forward/on camera animations. Iāll put a quote from my guide, explaining why. And itās not hard to change, cuz every animation that there is as forward is present also as normal.
If your story isnāt built around the 4th-wall-breaking-concept - donāt use these animations . These animations are either for this concept or for authorās introductions. End of discussion.
- When Ezra is walking away from his dad, it is even more obvious that he is spotted way too low. The fact that characters are positioned behind, doesnāt mean that to show it you must place them higher than the ones in front. They are supposed to be smaller, but eye level is more or less the same.
- Welp, cheating was kinda fast
- āWhy would you do it?ā Lol. I wouldāve slapped her as well, muahaha I would totally put a choice here Just for some readerās satisfaction.
- I kinda liked Grace, at least in the beginning. A lot of authors, when showing MC, whoās supposed to be ānot-droolingā over celebrities, have a tendency to make themā¦ Welp, a bit intolerable. Like a bit to the bitchy direction. Grace made me believe that she doesnāt really care about it, but without being annoying and full of herself.
- Nathan is so awkward, Iām afraid heās gonna have a heart attack if Grace accidentally touches his elbow or smthg
- I chose to be upfront, and good on her for turning him down gently. Consistent character.
- Mr. Callaghan looks like my dad X_X I now imagine him talking with the Russian accent
- Heeey. How comes Callaghan didnāt send Jared for detention or smthg?
- I swear that black haired friend of Grace is on hormones or smthg. She only talks about boys
- The scene with cheerleaders. You might wanna check spots as well, referring to the guide I put earlier. And the girl on the background, blue jacket-short black hair, should be layered before the one with the long black hair-short skirt. Too attentive to details. Sorry.
- Just a suggestion on the football game. When 3 guys are running, there are 2 or 3 who are just standing. Maybe put some animation for them? Like punch pose or smthg?
- The scene with Grace and Parker. I guess it is believable, some girls might be too awkward when someone is hitting on them. Itās just my personal preference, that I donāt really like these awkward types of girls. Canāt relate And Grace looks like sheās about to have a stroke, cause too many deepbreath animations.
- But I donāt wanna go with him, why do u make me :DDD
- Is she living in a hotel? O_o
- Took a complete stranger, she saw for like 5 minutes into her apartment? Nuh-uh. Bad Grace. I wouldnāt.
2nd Episode
- Donāt blink thing is quite funny
- Their conversation is dragging for too long. Ezra is acting too much like a dick, to ask her to let him stay after.
- I picked - not let him stay, just to see how it goes And cause I donāt like him.
- And he still stayed
- Why does Grace live alone? Sheās in high schoolā¦ Oh, something with mum.
- Iām not buying this whole thing, to be honest. Celebrity or not. Itās just weird to let someone stay at your house whoās A) a total stranger and B) rude and ignorant AF. Maybe there couldāve been more to why Grace is forced to let him stay. Like she still bumps into Ezra, but paparazzi caught them, and follow, cause they think theyāre a thing, and then they hide. I donnow. Just random idea.
- Too much talking. I feel like conversations are made just to show a variety of insults.
- Spread butter on bread. Holly shoot :DDD
- Pineapple does belong on pizza.
- Ezra without a shirt. Predicting wet weather, with extra drooling.
- And there wasnāt O_o Unexpected.
- Did he use my toothbrush? That is gross.
- How did he get into her apartment?
The second chapter was too long. And by that I mean - toooo muuuuch talking. These conversations didnāt expose character personalities. Just talking. Second half, in school, was way better.
The story is quite good. Iām not into these kinds of stories, with awkward girls and celebrities, but there are many who do like. Advanced directing is pretty decent. There were some little flaws, I mentioned them, but they are easily fixed.
As you said your main concern is character development and plot, I will dig more into it. Please note this is a subjective point of view.
To be honest I felt like characters are a bit cliche.
Ezra is typical rude-bad-boy-with-daddy-issues-that-makes-him-act-like-a-dickhead type of character. I donāt say that these types of characters donāt exist, itās just there are too many of them in the Episode stories. As Iām more into the 2nd episodeā¦ Yep, dickhead that is full of himself. Thatās just not my cup of tea, a lot of girls actually dig this type. By the way, I noticed that you donāt really say why Ezra is famous. Ok, his parents are famous. Is that it? Also, sometimes Ezra reminds of a high school student with his way of talking, not a grown up.
Grace. I liked her at the beginning. In convo with Nathan, she had the right amount of awkwardness. A bit shy, but like shy in a thoughtful way, like she just wants to be kind to others. With Parker, she was nearly fainting. With Ezra, she is bossy and sarcastic. Of course, we act a bit different with different people. But IMO, her character lacks consistency in behavior. You canāt just change a characterās personality, for it to fit a certain scene and dialogues direction.
The first chapter was fine. The right amount of action, scene change. The second was kinda boring for me. They were talking too much, basically just scolding each other.
Iād advise adding more action. Show secondary characterās more, instead of convo between main characters that lasts for half an episode. MCās friends could be interesting to watch. And try to think outside the box. Itās impossible to avoid cliches, but you can add your own little details, that will spice the whole plot. Even one unusual detail.
Hope it helped.
Thanks for offering to help but itās going to take again too much time.Recreate background, reupload it and rewait for episode to approve.Hope you understand.
Are there any honest proof readers?I appointed two in the past and both of them ran away after taking my coding scripts.I think most of them are sort of script thieves.
Noted! Iāll take a look at all the similiar errors like theses and correct them as soon as possible.
I admire the shape of narration box lol but I accept thatās a mistake and Iāll try to be careful in the upcoming episodes.
I forgot her age.Her age was written in the missing poster that appeared in the first episode.The talking bushes and eyes is a hint towards someone who has been watching her and speaking with her from being hidden in the bushes.This may get even clear in the 3rd episode if you choose to visit her room instead of the attic.
Credit goes to my amazing friend lana.
The phone lines were hacked by Richardās team.I just intended to show all types of society crimes that happen on halloween specially.
Yes Indeed.The voices echoed in a creepy way to show jessy was home alone.
Because she doesnāt knows about jessyās disappearence until the end of 3rD episode.Carol and Richard kept the truth hidden from her.[quote=āfcukforcookies, post:106, topic:143570ā]
The scene with Riley walking to Benās room, spot command is messed up, because it looks like heās walking on the wall. Put him a bit lower.
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Thatās a glitch. I canāt correct it.
In the second episode I tried to show each characters background. The gang scene was to show the background of Richard, also the reason why he is a guy with attitude.it may seem unnecessary to some ppl but it was neccessary if ppl continue reading they may get to know why.
Moreover, I want to thank you for such a detailed review.I was literally laughing when I read it for the first time.Iāve jot down all the errors in a list and will correct them as soon as possible.
@CrazyCaliope is an awesome proofreader. Donāt worry, She wonāt steal anything
Hum. I never figured.
Well, Iām glad if it helped in any way
Just remember that Iām a tough critic, most of the readers arenāt. It may seem like Iām overly picky on details, but itās just how my brain works) So Iām glad there are no hard feelings. It may not seem like this from what I wrote, but your story is more than decent. Itās just when I do reviews, I tend to look for imperfections, thatās why it might seem like negative evaluation. Although I was serious about gang plot. It is too complicated to put along with the mystery plotline, and show them enough in just 5 episodes
Title: Razors
Author: JackAttack
Description: You find yourself on an alien planet in god knows what part of the universe. Will you be able to find a way home?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4701063970095104
Main Concern: Cohesiveness (does the story flow well?)
@LilDevil - Sleeping with the Enemy
1st Episode
- Older manā¦ Well, funny thing, Iām into older guys myself but I find it weird to read this kind of stories. Maybe itās because of how these older guys look in INK Letās see how it goes.
- Hum. So there is more than one love interest. The problem I have when customizing more than one is that often writers donāt give me at least minimal information on the character. Like I have to create two characters, that Iām supposed to find attractive, but how can I do it, when I donāt know anything. Maybe add some short information. Just a few basic traits.
- āBut, what it is worthā¦ā I think it should be āBut, for what itās worthā¦ā
- I think in the dancing scene, Samantha appeared in the scene and walked to the dancing spot. Check it.
- āWhat girl doesnāt like a bad boy?ā The girl that got screwed by one already.
- Episode default character as Jessicaās sucker-buddy at the club.
- The scene on the street. Iām not sure why it buggers me, I mean character spots. They seem to be too small for the background.
- Non-talking animations used with dialogue lines. I mean Michaelās admire animation with his dialogue line.
I see it in almost every story. I get it, sometimes it is hard to find the perfect animation for the specific line.
But when you use wink animations, admire, eyeroll animations with the dialogue lines - a character says something with its mouth basically closed. It is distractive. - Why when Michael and MC walk away to fins MCās friends they walk to the left, while Sam obv went to the right? :DDD
- I noticed one thing. So sometimes you really have to change character spot, depending on which side it faces, and which animation uses. And I see you doing it, but why u make them walk to that spot, instead of just putting @CHARACTER spot xx xx xx and CHARACTER faces side? It will look fine, no one will notice that u changed the spot, because of the animation movement. Now it looks awkward.
- And here I thought Michael is just a normal guy
- Grammar and punctuation are good enough, but still, there are some mistakes, so maybe check forums for a proofreader.
- Michael dude is creepy. Well, cause I know his thoughts. Maybe it wouldāve been worth to hide his secret intentions?
What else Iāve noticed about the first episode in regards to directing.
Lack of background characters. Maybe consider adding some background characters, like at the club, on the streetā¦ This will make scenes more dynamic.
Also, Iāve noticed that you have the tendency to put more than one sentence in 1 dialogue line. While it can be fine with short sentences, I donāt think itās that good to do for longer. Why? Mostly because when you put a few sentences, they take more time to read (Captain Obvious), and in the middle of such dialogue line character stands with his mouth closed (in case of animation is not looped).
2nd Episode
- MAN1, MAN2. If characters say at least one line, give them a proper name. It just looks way better. Small details matter.
- I donāt really like when character uses the same animation for more than 1 consecutive dialogue line. Like 3 dialogue lines, told with the same animation.
- When MC having a snack with Demian and his wife, there is some kind of issue with Michaelās movement. He kinda slides in.
- That Michael is everywhere. It would be very creepy even if I didnāt know what he was thinking and earlier scenes.
- They are not friends. Cāmon, heās a stalker. Now that I think of it, how did he know where MC lives, to deliver her gift? CREEEEEEPY behavior.
- When Demine and Nicole leave, first of all they get very big, either because spot commands are off, or because you used walks to screen right. But then they just disappeared, instead of leaving the screen. I canāt tell why it happens in your case, but check this moment, cause it is reoccurring.
- Michael is a moronā¦ Dang, his speech is justā¦ And Iām not even a feminist
- When MC talks to Diana, she gets scarred, when Diana tells her about senator thing, but it looks a bit weird, cuz immediately after some terrified animation, MC starts smiling animation.
- Same thing that when writers use non-talking animation for dialogue lines, is to use talking animation for thought lines.
Okay, summary.
First of all donāt think itās a negative review. Gang stories arenāt really my thing, itās just a personal preference, so I concentrated on finding some things that might be improved, if u agree with them of course.
Note, that if I mention one mistake in some specific scene, they might be reoccurring in other scenes, I just point the type of mistake and refer to an example, so that you know what to look for.
From the quotes put in the beginning of chapter, of people who were killed by mafia, I got an impression, that you donāt want to end this story well for mafia guys. I hope so, because I really donāt like when writers glorify these things. Itās just wrong.
One thing I didnāt quite like is Michael. He is positioned as love interest, but he is honestly creepy. When you write a story, imagine yourself on your MC place. If someone would act like Michael in real life with you, you wouldnāt go on a date with him (I really hope so). And MC acknowledges it, she says that his behavior is sorta stalkerish, but still, agrees to go out with him. She is either stupid, or an inconsistent character. Both are bad.
And I also didnāt feel the chemistry between them. It might have something to do with the MC. She seems kinda cold to me. Not the āfrozen-queenā type of woman, but like a robot. I donnow. Maybe Iām just far-fetching this whole thing.
Anyway these are my thoughts. Sorry I couldnāt comment more on the plot, because as I said, gang stories arenāt my thing, so my opinion would be biased.
And remember, that my thoughts are subjective. Feel free to tell me where I misunderstood something.
First of all, thank you for such a detailed review, I appreciate it.
If you have time, I would like to discuss it.
I donāt quite understand why is weird, just because how they look in INK?
Yeah, thank you for pointing this out, I didnāt think about this, but Iām wondering how could I change itā¦ I will try with some short info, as you suggested. But do you think itās maybe better to put the customization of love interest at the beginning of the 2nd episode?
About spot positioning, default characters etc. - I was a beginner when I worked on the first 4 episodes, so yeah, I could fix that now.
Now about Michaelā¦ well yes, Iām glad you noticed, but he is actually a sociopath, and I made him intentionally like this. The reason he is after MC is that he canāt āhaveā her at the beginning, the more she is cold to him, the more he is persistent.
On the other hand, MC is a strong, independent woman, but has a problem with low self-esteem. She doesnāt have true chemistry with him (you noticed that too), but her personal issues are the reason she agrees to go out with him (even her judgment is right at the beginning) - and I think this is relatable.
Of course! Iām fed up with all those stories in Episode that glorifies gangs and criminals and the ending of these stories is always the same - bad boy becomes good and they live happily ever after - or she joins the gang and they start to kill people together, happily ever after . Well, I have a different ending in mind, so it can be shown that nothing good can be achieved from that and that criminals always end up the same.
Iām glad that you donāt like Michael, and I think thatās the proper reaction. Unfortunately, a lot of women, especially young girls, canāt distinguish which approach by guys is good, and which is creepy. Also, how sociopaths can be āhiddenā and how is important to listen to some inner voice. Thatās why MC has to go out with him (even though she is not sure about him and she is even not that attracted to him - her low self-esteem āwinsā in this case - cuz she just see his sweet side, and doesnāt listen to her judgement).
In this story, I wanted to write about and show some mental issues also, a little bit to show what I think is good and badā¦
Iām sorry if I spammed you with this long answer.
But also, Iām sorry that you are not quite fond of this genre, I was hoping that my story would maybe interest you more to read further. But, if, by some chance, you read the whole story when itās finished, Iām very interested to know what you think overall and do you see what is the message of this story.
Thanks again for the review and for time and effort you put to explain me all of this.
Your welcome
Sure. Thatās what this thread is for.
Yeah :DDD Itās not your fault I just feel like INK guys with grey hair look much older than supposed for love interest. Like for me they look like 50+ yo, and itās a bit too much for my age But I customized him up to my liking, and although he looked older, he didnāt look too old
This actually makes a lot of sense! I would totally do it, and for MC as well. Because character personality affects how I customize them, and I think for some other people too
Just warn, that you have customization.
Well. When u put it like this, it sounds actually pretty interesting. Itās also actually funny, because I have one thread, with tips and tricks for a story, and just like 2 days ago I was writing about psychopath and sociopath types of characters
Welp. Everything makes sense when explained. I guess I just judge her from my perspective, and my views. And while it makes sense, because I play as her, sometimes we just forget that we arenāt the character that we play
THANK YOU Really. Iām so tired with these happily ever after gang stories.
Actually, your explanation made this story a lot more interesting for me.
Itās just I saw so many gang stories, and I always assume that authors do the same thing again
I will continue reading it further when I have time. Tell me if you want me to write review things on other chapters too.
Usually, I donāt do this but you were very nice to me :D. And tbh I was thinking about closing the thread just a couple of days ago, because of one particular person. I understand that some people might be upset with my reviews, but I think that I do some hard work here. So when someone tells me basically to āfuck offā with my opinion after I spend a couple of hours doing itā¦ You might get a feeling that your work is useless. Yep, sorry for the rant :DDDD
Awwwww, you are so sweet
I donāt think you should close this thread, because you are one of the best reviewers here, actually I think you should get paid to do this! I read also the previous reviews you posted, and I havenāt seen here anyone who gives such detailed explanations and ideas, and that shows that you are really reading our stories and analyzing them. But itās up to you, I totally get it, if somebody would say something like that to me, after so much time and work I put, I would feel the same.
On the other hand, thatās their reaction and they have to deal with it, itās not your problem.
Alessandro is actually 50 years old.
Anyway, I read that you watched a lot of movies, so as an interesting fact, I wanted to tell you that this story is some mix of movies Scarface and Godfather.
If youād review more chapters, I would be even happier.
But I know itās a lot of work, I donāt want to bother you. I am just interested to know what you think.
Yeah, I have another question - what do you think about those quotes that I put?
I put them in the ending of the episodes because I wanted, in some way, to pay respect to all those people who stand up to mafia and lost their livesā¦ But also Iām thinking is it maybe disrespectful to put them into Episode story. You know, like using them for something commercialā¦
U might wanna check @amberose review thread, as her style inspired this thread on 99%.
Noooooo. :DDDD Mine could look like he is 40 or smthg Iām 27, so 50 is a bit too much for me, so Iām just gonna pretend that he is 40
Aaaaand I didnāt watch any of these two I know. Classics and stuff, but they are on my list, once I get more time on my hands, I will watch them
I donāt think it is disrespectful. And to be honest, this whole āyouāre disrespectfulā thing got out of the hand lately. People are offended over tiniest things.
Back to quotes. I honestly loved that u put them in. This is that small, but powerful detail, that serves as a reminder, that mafia is not a good thing and something to admire. Keep them definitely. They take us back to reality, to remind how criminal minds destroyed many innocent lifes.
If you watch Scarface, I think you will understand more this Michael character, because he is a lot like Tony Montana - the main protagonist of the movie.
And Iām glad you like the quotes, Iām keeping them definitely.
Thanks again for your ideas and everything!
Aww