@gisellec - Blades of Desire
- First of all - that cover is great. I’m a sucker for professional covers, so if I saw your story with this cover - I would definitely give it a read. How do you get it? I’m really interested.
- Now this is really not a must-have but I think it would be better to make these warnings about the maturity of the content and other to be formed as splashes or text overlays. I just love intros, like in the movies. It might seem like over-the-top thing, but it’s just my thing. I like the story to be perfect in all the ways possible, and this kind of detail will certainly get attention.
- Liked the fact that you’ve warned readers about that naked-thing that’s happening lately.
- It’s great that you included customization, but… Avatar creation option is limited. It doesn’t have new hairstyles, lips etc. I’d advice you to get a customization template (there are a lot of them on Forums).
- As I’m at the customization part now, I can tell that you are familiar with overlays, so I’m even more sure about my warning section comment above.
- Midnight food drives… I feel ya lol
- Loved how you made texting all engaging.
- I’m not sure about some backgrounds, again, because of my tendency of perfection. The one after the car scene is kinda low-quality. So it is blurry. Maybe find something else.
- Emily’s mouth is kinda… Unrealistic? Why so pale?
- Regarding your introduction things. Nice work on the overlays looking like filters (doing em myself lol). I’ve seen a similar approach in the “Austiontatious” story, donnow if your idea is coming from there, not really important.
- I’m not sure about “meanwhile” background. It catches attention, but not sure how it’s relatable to the scene. Maybe black would be better.
- Tucci lol. Nice hold on that whole trademark shit lol
- “What did I do to deserve it?” - well, that’s what you get after wedding gold-digging whore lol.
- If at first I liked your music addition, I’m not so sure as I’m in the mall scene. I understand that you want to add to the atmosphere, but music should complement the scene, not just be there. Constant music all the time is kinda distracting.
- I would suggest reviewing your story again, to check spot commands, walkings, and zooms. Sometimes I feel like they aren’t really in the tune with dialogue.
- Clothing choice. Again, it’s just personal preference. You have 4 choices, and I’m one of those people who like to try em all. But when I’m at the 4th option, and I sorta decide what I want to wear, I can’t remember where was the one I liked. So I suggest naming these options the way they would be recognizable like “Denim shorts” or whatever, not just “One”.
- You should update your hair choices, since the story is not published and there are some new hair options.
- Yes. I will state this once more. As one of those, who read stories with sound on, I feel like you overused music in your story. It’s getting annoying at this point (date scene).
- Wow. The scene with the car crash. I really haven’t seen such an innovative approach. The scene from the above looked awesome. I would only suggest getting other car overlays, more in tune with the Episode style. If you’ll decide to do it, you can write to me, I will try to help.
- Cafe scene. I know, you’re trying to get the guy look bigger comparing to the MC, but he’s way TOO BIG. Unrealistic. And background characters need a check too.
- Avoid using non-talking animations with the dialogue lines. Again, cafe scene, MC is saying her line with the wink animation.
- Um. Her step-mother saying that her father is dead and she should leave. Like very brutal. I’m not sure about it. Like I feel like there’s gotta be more to her speech.
- Yep. Not a fan of “sometime later” splashes with flowers and stuff. First of all the quality of the picture is not good enough (resolution). Over the top for my taste.
- MC isn’t really mourning her dad… Going to the club next week after he died.
Now my overall thoughts. I think MC has a nice background to get her where you want her to be. Evil step-mother, dad dying. Dialogues aren’t off. Directing is good, although there are some things that should be fixed. I think you should add some depth to your characters, and MC as well. I think you have this overall thought about them, but not clear enough. I always suggest writers make a questionnaire for every important character (I do them myself). These can be found on the writer’s guide websites and while writing them, you don’t only create backstory for them and personality, but you imagine them clearly in your head, almost like a real person, so after it will be easier to write their lines, because you will know how they should react to certain conversations and events. I also think you could work on your dialogues, as they could be more interesting. Funny maybe? I’m not sure how to advise you to do it. When writing dialogues for my story, I read them dozens of times. I analyze every word, I think - are they gonna be interesting for the reader, what emotions should they feel while reading this. Dialogue shouldn’t be just for the sake of dialogue itself. It must show character personality, attitude towards others. Think about it. I think your story really has a potential, with some additional work.