Title: Kotton Kandie
Description: Escaped from a loutish husband, Kandie tries to find a new beginning. But what she didn’t know was that her ex-husband lurks in the trails behind her.
What is the main concern about your story: Help me improve overall.
Can I do the same, as she is? I know my first chapter is kinda short and shitty but I can’t figure out how to fix that! I’m almost completed my 3rd chapter. If you are willing to do so, I will just PM you the link
Sure. Just PM the link, but note to yourself that I will post my review here.
Title: Dreams and Nightmares
Description: Scarlet had a rough past and it looks like it’s not getting better after she was bought by some mysterious guy. Will she ever turn her life from a nightmare to a dream?
Small cover: (same as large one)
What is the main concern about your story? I’m always worrying that people don’t get my character development and that some questions get answered later on. So a review like yours, where you write what you think, will really be helpful! (I know there are some grammar problems, I’m working on them )
@gisellec - Blades of Desire
- First of all - that cover is great. I’m a sucker for professional covers, so if I saw your story with this cover - I would definitely give it a read. How do you get it? I’m really interested.
- Now this is really not a must-have but I think it would be better to make these warnings about the maturity of the content and other to be formed as splashes or text overlays. I just love intros, like in the movies. It might seem like over-the-top thing, but it’s just my thing. I like the story to be perfect in all the ways possible, and this kind of detail will certainly get attention.
- Liked the fact that you’ve warned readers about that naked-thing that’s happening lately.
- It’s great that you included customization, but… Avatar creation option is limited. It doesn’t have new hairstyles, lips etc. I’d advice you to get a customization template (there are a lot of them on Forums).
- As I’m at the customization part now, I can tell that you are familiar with overlays, so I’m even more sure about my warning section comment above.
- Midnight food drives… I feel ya lol
- Loved how you made texting all engaging.
- I’m not sure about some backgrounds, again, because of my tendency of perfection. The one after the car scene is kinda low-quality. So it is blurry. Maybe find something else.
- Emily’s mouth is kinda… Unrealistic? Why so pale?
- Regarding your introduction things. Nice work on the overlays looking like filters (doing em myself lol). I’ve seen a similar approach in the “Austiontatious” story, donnow if your idea is coming from there, not really important.
- I’m not sure about “meanwhile” background. It catches attention, but not sure how it’s relatable to the scene. Maybe black would be better.
- Tucci lol. Nice hold on that whole trademark shit lol
- “What did I do to deserve it?” - well, that’s what you get after wedding gold-digging whore lol.
- If at first I liked your music addition, I’m not so sure as I’m in the mall scene. I understand that you want to add to the atmosphere, but music should complement the scene, not just be there. Constant music all the time is kinda distracting.
- I would suggest reviewing your story again, to check spot commands, walkings, and zooms. Sometimes I feel like they aren’t really in the tune with dialogue.
- Clothing choice. Again, it’s just personal preference. You have 4 choices, and I’m one of those people who like to try em all. But when I’m at the 4th option, and I sorta decide what I want to wear, I can’t remember where was the one I liked. So I suggest naming these options the way they would be recognizable like “Denim shorts” or whatever, not just “One”.
- You should update your hair choices, since the story is not published and there are some new hair options.
- Yes. I will state this once more. As one of those, who read stories with sound on, I feel like you overused music in your story. It’s getting annoying at this point (date scene).
- Wow. The scene with the car crash. I really haven’t seen such an innovative approach. The scene from the above looked awesome. I would only suggest getting other car overlays, more in tune with the Episode style. If you’ll decide to do it, you can write to me, I will try to help.
- Cafe scene. I know, you’re trying to get the guy look bigger comparing to the MC, but he’s way TOO BIG. Unrealistic. And background characters need a check too.
- Avoid using non-talking animations with the dialogue lines. Again, cafe scene, MC is saying her line with the wink animation.
- Um. Her step-mother saying that her father is dead and she should leave. Like very brutal. I’m not sure about it. Like I feel like there’s gotta be more to her speech.
- Yep. Not a fan of “sometime later” splashes with flowers and stuff. First of all the quality of the picture is not good enough (resolution). Over the top for my taste.
- MC isn’t really mourning her dad… Going to the club next week after he died.
Now my overall thoughts. I think MC has a nice background to get her where you want her to be. Evil step-mother, dad dying. Dialogues aren’t off. Directing is good, although there are some things that should be fixed. I think you should add some depth to your characters, and MC as well. I think you have this overall thought about them, but not clear enough. I always suggest writers make a questionnaire for every important character (I do them myself). These can be found on the writer’s guide websites and while writing them, you don’t only create backstory for them and personality, but you imagine them clearly in your head, almost like a real person, so after it will be easier to write their lines, because you will know how they should react to certain conversations and events. I also think you could work on your dialogues, as they could be more interesting. Funny maybe? I’m not sure how to advise you to do it. When writing dialogues for my story, I read them dozens of times. I analyze every word, I think - are they gonna be interesting for the reader, what emotions should they feel while reading this. Dialogue shouldn’t be just for the sake of dialogue itself. It must show character personality, attitude towards others. Think about it. I think your story really has a potential, with some additional work.
Thank you so much!! I got my cover from @nopaks_artist!
Title: College Days: Confessions of a Female Jock
“It’s the first year of college and you’re already leading a double life! Academic beauty by day, MVP of the football team by night!”
Main concern? Hey, I am a new writer and I know I have plenty of room for improvement! My main concern is most folk are far too nice when giving feedback. Would love some brutally honest feedback so that I can improve!
Good to know And I already like the description and plot idea, so we’ll see.
I’d love a review
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Chapters: 3 (ongoing)
Description: You are a gamer with no life. Harsh, but true. With a tournament coming up in your favorite VR game to play, CYBER, who knows what will happen?
Description: After years of searching she had finally found them. Can she get close to them?
Her destiny is about to change forever. What will she choose - who will she become?
I would like to know your opinion mostly on the plot itself and the characters and their development. I can always improve directing and language, but not the vibe of the story.
I am on my phone and I don’t have a proper image of the cover, sorry for the worse quality.
Hey. Yeah, I already reviewed your story in Five Inch Storie’s Reviews.
Oh okay, thanks for letting me know.
Title: Living Among The Dead
Description: A war between two corrupted cults, a man with a secret and you caught in the storm of love, survival and friendship. CC [1 - 8 OUT ONLY!] revamping
What is the main concern about your story?: Just want your honest opinion on my storyline, directing and characters x
Thank you in advance if you decided to read and review x
Title: Agent 24
Description: You look like an angel, but you’re a devil. A ruthless assassin. What happens when someone just as crazy and maybe a little bit more psycho then you who decides to mess with you?
What is the main concern about your story?
To be honest I just want some truthful feeback that can help me improve my writing.
Please stop this off-topic thing in my thread, and go DM
@PrettyEri - Kotton Kandie.
First of all, I didn’t start reading the story, but I’m a bit weirded by title. Isn’t it supposed to be Cotton? Well, only if it’s not her surname, which on the other hand is kinda cool.
- I would suggest changing music after her memory because her rant afterward is a bit funny. 30 with no kids and anger issues. So relatable lol.
- Check spot commands in the scene of shrink reception, cause Kandie looks small comparing to dude behind her. Perspective.
- Kudos for her not having kids. I see a lot of women who, while being in an abusive relationship get kids, hoping to fix the marriage.
- The scene in her room with the computer. I think she should be a bit bigger.
- Convo with her mom on the phone. Her mom is speaking, but Kandie is out on looped animation. Just add @CHARACTER starts listening animation before her mom’s lines.
- Music and sound volume commands are kinda underappreciated. You might want to check them for smoother sound/music transitions. Just a suggestion.
- I suspect you’re not using time in walking to spot commands. If you do - check them too, cause sometimes characters walk too fast.
- When Remi walks into scene, I think you should layer her behind Kandie, it looks a bit odd as it is now.
- Avoid using non-talking animations for dialogue lines. Like when Evie is saying her line with eyeroll animation. You can put it before her line, and then for the line use some speaking animation.
- Yikes. That escalated quickly with physical violence lol. It’s was a bit odd that Kandie punched her… Too dramatic? Slap would do IMO.
- How does the new principal know her name?
- So she is Jones. Why Kotton then?
- Check for character faces after animations. Sometimes they are stuck with a weird face, like after the callout animation. You can always put idle_shiftweight animation after their lines.
- chocolate bar, lol.
- Again lots of non-talking animation for dialogue lines.
- Check speech bubble positions. WHen Kandie is kissing the floor, her speech bubble is way too high.
- Cicely is savage.
- Check layer in the morning scene of the 2nd episode. Cicely is sorta behind Kandie.
- In the cupcake shop, cashier disappears really fast. Check spot command’s timing.
- Oh, she doesn’t walk fast. She just appears from thin air.
- Why Kandie and Jer are wearing wedding gowns in the flashback scene?
- Again on the beach. You have this tendency to get characters just appear, without walking into the scene. Look into it,
- I don’t think I liked Onyx. I got an impression that he’s the self-centered dork who only work-out. Their whole interaction was kinda odd. Kandie drooling too hard for my taste.
The story is good overall. I liked that MC is not a teenager for once, but grown woman. I also liked that Kandie, despite her problematic marriage, isn’t aggressive towards men. Like ok, Jer was a jerk, but I’m not too consumed with it. You should go through directing, as I mentioned some things that could be fixed. I feel like there could be more action in the story. Just a little bit. Maybe work a bit more on dialogues.
Thank you! I will look into those issues.
Hey! Do you mind if I do as some other on this thread, and send you an unfinished story?
Sure. Send the link in DM