Cookie's Uncensored Reviews 🔒

I have 3 reviews to do before you. I strongly advice you to put your story through grammarly.com at least. Cuz I already see plenty of mistakes in description, and if it’s the same in the story, it will be hard to read, and affect my judgement :slight_smile:

i already use Grammarly, and honestly it does not work that great cause I have had my description through it and it says there is no mistakes

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Updated

She never knew her dad, but after her mom is in a coma, she decides to contact him. He was a criminal and she was undercover. They fell in love. Two stories in one.

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Much better.
But either I’m dumb or haven’t woke up completely, cause it still doesn’t make much sense to me :sleeping:

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Okay, I’ve read it few more times :smiley: It does now. Thank you :fairy:

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@whosalla - Starstruck

1st Episode

  • Took a while to find your story, cause title is kinda common and u changed your cover :smiley:
  • Yuppy, my favorite author’s introductions. Totally unnecessary if u ask me. The thing about choices could’ve been told in narrator box.
  • I’m not sure if you can put labels like “Giorgio Armani” into the story. Maybe check it with Episode stuff.
  • After the paparazzi scene, Next scene, Ezra is placed way too low. Check the spotting guide below, it might be handy.
Guide

  • In the same scene, first Rowland’s line. I’m not really fond of writers using forward/on camera animations. I’ll put a quote from my guide, explaining why. And it’s not hard to change, cuz every animation that there is as forward is present also as normal.

If your story isn’t built around the 4th-wall-breaking-concept - don’t use these animations . These animations are either for this concept or for author’s introductions. End of discussion.

  • When Ezra is walking away from his dad, it is even more obvious that he is spotted way too low. The fact that characters are positioned behind, doesn’t mean that to show it you must place them higher than the ones in front. They are supposed to be smaller, but eye level is more or less the same.
  • Welp, cheating was kinda fast :smiley:
  • “Why would you do it?” Lol. I would’ve slapped her as well, muahaha :smiley: I would totally put a choice here :smiley: Just for some reader’s satisfaction.
  • I kinda liked Grace, at least in the beginning. A lot of authors, when showing MC, who’s supposed to be “not-drooling” over celebrities, have a tendency to make them… Welp, a bit intolerable. Like a bit to the bitchy direction. Grace made me believe that she doesn’t really care about it, but without being annoying and full of herself.
  • Nathan is so awkward, I’m afraid he’s gonna have a heart attack if Grace accidentally touches his elbow or smthg :smiley:
  • I chose to be upfront, and good on her for turning him down gently. Consistent character.
  • Mr. Callaghan looks like my dad X_X I now imagine him talking with the Russian accent :sweat_smile:
  • Heeey. How comes Callaghan didn’t send Jared for detention or smthg?
  • I swear that black haired friend of Grace is on hormones or smthg. She only talks about boys :smiley:
  • The scene with cheerleaders. You might wanna check spots as well, referring to the guide I put earlier. And the girl on the background, blue jacket-short black hair, should be layered before the one with the long black hair-short skirt. Too attentive to details. Sorry.
  • Just a suggestion on the football game. When 3 guys are running, there are 2 or 3 who are just standing. Maybe put some animation for them? Like punch pose or smthg?
  • The scene with Grace and Parker. I guess it is believable, some girls might be too awkward when someone is hitting on them. It’s just my personal preference, that I don’t really like these awkward types of girls. Can’t relate :slight_smile: And Grace looks like she’s about to have a stroke, cause too many deepbreath animations.
  • But I don’t wanna go with him, why do u make me :DDD
  • Is she living in a hotel? O_o
  • Took a complete stranger, she saw for like 5 minutes into her apartment? Nuh-uh. Bad Grace. I wouldn’t.

2nd Episode

  • Don’t blink thing is quite funny :smiley:
  • Their conversation is dragging for too long. Ezra is acting too much like a dick, to ask her to let him stay after.
  • I picked - not let him stay, just to see how it goes :smiley: And cause I don’t like him.
  • And he still stayed :frowning:
  • Why does Grace live alone? She’s in high school… Oh, something with mum.
  • I’m not buying this whole thing, to be honest. Celebrity or not. It’s just weird to let someone stay at your house who’s A) a total stranger and B) rude and ignorant AF. Maybe there could’ve been more to why Grace is forced to let him stay. Like she still bumps into Ezra, but paparazzi caught them, and follow, cause they think they’re a thing, and then they hide. I donnow. Just random idea.
  • Too much talking. I feel like conversations are made just to show a variety of insults.
  • Spread butter on bread. Holly shoot :DDD
  • Pineapple does belong on pizza.
  • Ezra without a shirt. Predicting wet weather, with extra drooling.
  • And there wasn’t O_o Unexpected.
  • Did he use my toothbrush? :frowning: That is gross.
  • How did he get into her apartment?

The second chapter was too long. And by that I mean - toooo muuuuch talking. These conversations didn’t expose character personalities. Just talking. Second half, in school, was way better.


The story is quite good. I’m not into these kinds of stories, with awkward girls and celebrities, but there are many who do like. Advanced directing is pretty decent. There were some little flaws, I mentioned them, but they are easily fixed.
As you said your main concern is character development and plot, I will dig more into it. Please note this is a subjective point of view.
To be honest I felt like characters are a bit cliche.
Ezra is typical rude-bad-boy-with-daddy-issues-that-makes-him-act-like-a-dickhead type of character. I don’t say that these types of characters don’t exist, it’s just there are too many of them in the Episode stories. As I’m more into the 2nd episode… Yep, dickhead that is full of himself. That’s just not my cup of tea, a lot of girls actually dig this type. By the way, I noticed that you don’t really say why Ezra is famous. Ok, his parents are famous. Is that it? Also, sometimes Ezra reminds of a high school student with his way of talking, not a grown up.
Grace. I liked her at the beginning. In convo with Nathan, she had the right amount of awkwardness. A bit shy, but like shy in a thoughtful way, like she just wants to be kind to others. With Parker, she was nearly fainting. With Ezra, she is bossy and sarcastic. Of course, we act a bit different with different people. But IMO, her character lacks consistency in behavior. You can’t just change a character’s personality, for it to fit a certain scene and dialogues direction.
The first chapter was fine. The right amount of action, scene change. The second was kinda boring for me. They were talking too much, basically just scolding each other.
I’d advise adding more action. Show secondary character’s more, instead of convo between main characters that lasts for half an episode. MC’s friends could be interesting to watch. And try to think outside the box. It’s impossible to avoid cliches, but you can add your own little details, that will spice the whole plot. Even one unusual detail.
Hope it helped.

Thanks for offering to help but it’s going to take again too much time.Recreate background, reupload it and rewait for episode to approve.Hope you understand. :slightly_smiling_face:

Are there any honest proof readers?I appointed two in the past and both of them ran away after taking my coding scripts.I think most of them are sort of script thieves.

Noted! I’ll take a look at all the similiar errors like theses and correct them as soon as possible.

I admire the shape of narration box lol :sweat_smile: but I accept that’s a mistake and I’ll try to be careful in the upcoming episodes.

I forgot her age.Her age was written in the missing poster that appeared in the first episode.The talking bushes and eyes is a hint towards someone who has been watching her and speaking with her from being hidden in the bushes.This may get even clear in the 3rd episode if you choose to visit her room instead of the attic.

Credit goes to my amazing friend lana.

The phone lines were hacked by Richard’s team.I just intended to show all types of society crimes that happen on halloween specially.

Yes Indeed.The voices echoed in a creepy way to show jessy was home alone.

Because she doesn’t knows about jessy’s disappearence until the end of 3rD episode.Carol and Richard kept the truth hidden from her.[quote=“fcukforcookies, post:106, topic:143570”]
The scene with Riley walking to Ben’s room, spot command is messed up, because it looks like he’s walking on the wall. Put him a bit lower.
[/quote]

That’s a glitch. I can’t correct it.

In the second episode I tried to show each characters background. The gang scene was to show the background of Richard, also the reason why he is a guy with attitude.it may seem unnecessary to some ppl but it was neccessary if ppl continue reading they may get to know why.

Moreover, I want to thank you for such a detailed review.I was literally laughing when I read it for the first time.I’ve jot down all the errors in a list and will correct them as soon as possible.

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@CrazyCaliope is an awesome proofreader. Don’t worry, She won’t steal anything :smiley:

Hum. I never figured.

Well, I’m glad if it helped in any way :smiley:
Just remember that I’m a tough critic, most of the readers aren’t. It may seem like I’m overly picky on details, but it’s just how my brain works) So I’m glad there are no hard feelings. It may not seem like this from what I wrote, but your story is more than decent. It’s just when I do reviews, I tend to look for imperfections, that’s why it might seem like negative evaluation. :slight_smile: Although I was serious about gang plot. It is too complicated to put along with the mystery plotline, and show them enough in just 5 episodes :slight_smile:

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Title: Razors
Author: JackAttack
Description: You find yourself on an alien planet in god knows what part of the universe. Will you be able to find a way home?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4701063970095104
Main Concern: Cohesiveness (does the story flow well?)

Razors_posterThumb_fyoao0ZZIH

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@LilDevil - Sleeping with the Enemy

1st Episode

  • Older man… Well, funny thing, I’m into older guys myself :smiley: but I find it weird to read this kind of stories. Maybe it’s because of how these older guys look in INK :smiley: Let’s see how it goes.
  • Hum. So there is more than one love interest. The problem I have when customizing more than one is that often writers don’t give me at least minimal information on the character. Like I have to create two characters, that I’m supposed to find attractive, but how can I do it, when I don’t know anything. Maybe add some short information. Just a few basic traits.
  • “But, what it is worth…” I think it should be “But, for what it’s worth…”
  • I think in the dancing scene, Samantha appeared in the scene and walked to the dancing spot. Check it.
  • “What girl doesn’t like a bad boy?” The girl that got screwed by one already.
  • Episode default character as Jessica’s sucker-buddy at the club. :smiley:
  • The scene on the street. I’m not sure why it buggers me, I mean character spots. They seem to be too small for the background.
  • Non-talking animations used with dialogue lines. I mean Michael’s admire animation with his dialogue line.
    I see it in almost every story. I get it, sometimes it is hard to find the perfect animation for the specific line.
    But when you use wink animations, admire, eyeroll animations with the dialogue lines - a character says something with its mouth basically closed. It is distractive.
  • Why when Michael and MC walk away to fins MC’s friends they walk to the left, while Sam obv went to the right? :DDD
  • I noticed one thing. So sometimes you really have to change character spot, depending on which side it faces, and which animation uses. And I see you doing it, but why u make them walk to that spot, instead of just putting @CHARACTER spot xx xx xx and CHARACTER faces side? It will look fine, no one will notice that u changed the spot, because of the animation movement. Now it looks awkward.
  • And here I thought Michael is just a normal guy :smiley:
  • Grammar and punctuation are good enough, but still, there are some mistakes, so maybe check forums for a proofreader.
  • Michael dude is creepy. Well, cause I know his thoughts. Maybe it would’ve been worth to hide his secret intentions?

What else I’ve noticed about the first episode in regards to directing.
Lack of background characters. Maybe consider adding some background characters, like at the club, on the street… This will make scenes more dynamic.
Also, I’ve noticed that you have the tendency to put more than one sentence in 1 dialogue line. While it can be fine with short sentences, I don’t think it’s that good to do for longer. Why? Mostly because when you put a few sentences, they take more time to read (Captain Obvious), and in the middle of such dialogue line character stands with his mouth closed (in case of animation is not looped).


2nd Episode

  • MAN1, MAN2. If characters say at least one line, give them a proper name. It just looks way better. Small details matter.
  • I don’t really like when character uses the same animation for more than 1 consecutive dialogue line. Like 3 dialogue lines, told with the same animation.
  • When MC having a snack with Demian and his wife, there is some kind of issue with Michael’s movement. He kinda slides in.
  • That Michael is everywhere. It would be very creepy even if I didn’t know what he was thinking and earlier scenes.
  • They are not friends. C’mon, he’s a stalker. Now that I think of it, how did he know where MC lives, to deliver her gift? CREEEEEEPY behavior.
  • When Demine and Nicole leave, first of all they get very big, either because spot commands are off, or because you used walks to screen right. But then they just disappeared, instead of leaving the screen. I can’t tell why it happens in your case, but check this moment, cause it is reoccurring.
  • Michael is a moron… Dang, his speech is just… And I’m not even a feminist :smiley:
  • When MC talks to Diana, she gets scarred, when Diana tells her about senator thing, but it looks a bit weird, cuz immediately after some terrified animation, MC starts smiling animation.
  • Same thing that when writers use non-talking animation for dialogue lines, is to use talking animation for thought lines.

Okay, summary.
First of all don’t think it’s a negative review. Gang stories aren’t really my thing, it’s just a personal preference, so I concentrated on finding some things that might be improved, if u agree with them of course.

Note, that if I mention one mistake in some specific scene, they might be reoccurring in other scenes, I just point the type of mistake and refer to an example, so that you know what to look for.

From the quotes put in the beginning of chapter, of people who were killed by mafia, I got an impression, that you don’t want to end this story well for mafia guys. I hope so, because I really don’t like when writers glorify these things. It’s just wrong.

One thing I didn’t quite like is Michael. He is positioned as love interest, but he is honestly creepy. When you write a story, imagine yourself on your MC place. If someone would act like Michael in real life with you, you wouldn’t go on a date with him (I really hope so). And MC acknowledges it, she says that his behavior is sorta stalkerish, but still, agrees to go out with him. She is either stupid, or an inconsistent character. Both are bad.
And I also didn’t feel the chemistry between them. It might have something to do with the MC. She seems kinda cold to me. Not the “frozen-queen” type of woman, but like a robot. I donnow. Maybe I’m just far-fetching this whole thing.

Anyway these are my thoughts. Sorry I couldn’t comment more on the plot, because as I said, gang stories aren’t my thing, so my opinion would be biased.
And remember, that my thoughts are subjective. Feel free to tell me where I misunderstood something.

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First of all, thank you for such a detailed review, I appreciate it. :slight_smile:

If you have time, I would like to discuss it. :smiley:

I don’t quite understand why is weird, just because how they look in INK? :smiley:

Yeah, thank you for pointing this out, I didn’t think about this, but I’m wondering how could I change it… I will try with some short info, as you suggested. But do you think it’s maybe better to put the customization of love interest at the beginning of the 2nd episode?

About spot positioning, default characters etc. - I was a beginner when I worked on the first 4 episodes, so yeah, I could fix that now. :smiley:

Now about Michael… well yes, I’m glad you noticed, but he is actually a sociopath, and I made him intentionally like this. The reason he is after MC is that he can’t “have” her at the beginning, the more she is cold to him, the more he is persistent.
On the other hand, MC is a strong, independent woman, but has a problem with low self-esteem. She doesn’t have true chemistry with him (you noticed that too), but her personal issues are the reason she agrees to go out with him (even her judgment is right at the beginning) - and I think this is relatable.

Of course! I’m fed up with all those stories in Episode that glorifies gangs and criminals and the ending of these stories is always the same - bad boy becomes good and they live happily ever after - or she joins the gang and they start to kill people together, happily ever after .:face_with_raised_eyebrow: Well, I have a different ending in mind, so it can be shown that nothing good can be achieved from that and that criminals always end up the same.

I’m glad that you don’t like Michael, and I think that’s the proper reaction. Unfortunately, a lot of women, especially young girls, can’t distinguish which approach by guys is good, and which is creepy. Also, how sociopaths can be “hidden” and how is important to listen to some inner voice. That’s why MC has to go out with him (even though she is not sure about him and she is even not that attracted to him - her low self-esteem “wins” in this case - cuz she just see his sweet side, and doesn’t listen to her judgement).

In this story, I wanted to write about and show some mental issues also, a little bit to show what I think is good and bad…

I’m sorry if I spammed you with this long answer. :smiley:
But also, I’m sorry that you are not quite fond of this genre, I was hoping that my story would maybe interest you more to read further. But, if, by some chance, you read the whole story when it’s finished, I’m very interested to know what you think overall and do you see what is the message of this story. :slight_smile:

Thanks again for the review and for time and effort you put to explain me all of this. :smiley:

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Your welcome :slight_smile:

Sure. That’s what this thread is for.

Yeah :DDD It’s not your fault :smiley: I just feel like INK guys with grey hair look much older than supposed for love interest. Like for me they look like 50+ yo, and it’s a bit too much for my age :smiley: But I customized him up to my liking, and although he looked older, he didn’t look too old :smiley:

This actually makes a lot of sense! I would totally do it, and for MC as well. Because character personality affects how I customize them, and I think for some other people too :slight_smile:
Just warn, that you have customization.

Well. When u put it like this, it sounds actually pretty interesting. It’s also actually funny, because I have one thread, with tips and tricks for a story, and just like 2 days ago I was writing about psychopath and sociopath types of characters :smiley:

Welp. Everything makes sense when explained. I guess I just judge her from my perspective, and my views. And while it makes sense, because I play as her, sometimes we just forget that we aren’t the character that we play :smiley:

THANK YOU :smiley: Really. I’m so tired with these happily ever after gang stories.

Actually, your explanation made this story a lot more interesting for me.
It’s just I saw so many gang stories, and I always assume that authors do the same thing again :smiley:
I will continue reading it further when I have time. Tell me if you want me to write review things on other chapters too.
Usually, I don’t do this but you were very nice to me :D. And tbh I was thinking about closing the thread just a couple of days ago, because of one particular person. I understand that some people might be upset with my reviews, but I think that I do some hard work here. So when someone tells me basically to “fuck off” with my opinion after I spend a couple of hours doing it… You might get a feeling that your work is useless. Yep, sorry for the rant :DDDD

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Awwwww, you are so sweet :heart_eyes:

I don’t think you should close this thread, because you are one of the best reviewers here, actually I think you should get paid to do this! I read also the previous reviews you posted, and I haven’t seen here anyone who gives such detailed explanations and ideas, and that shows that you are really reading our stories and analyzing them. But it’s up to you, I totally get it, if somebody would say something like that to me, after so much time and work I put, I would feel the same.
On the other hand, that’s their reaction and they have to deal with it, it’s not your problem.

Alessandro is actually 50 years old. :joy:

Anyway, I read that you watched a lot of movies, so as an interesting fact, I wanted to tell you that this story is some mix of movies Scarface and Godfather. :smile:

If you’d review more chapters, I would be even happier. :grin:
But I know it’s a lot of work, I don’t want to bother you. I am just interested to know what you think. :relaxed:

Yeah, I have another question - what do you think about those quotes that I put?
I put them in the ending of the episodes because I wanted, in some way, to pay respect to all those people who stand up to mafia and lost their lives… But also I’m thinking is it maybe disrespectful to put them into Episode story. :confused: You know, like using them for something commercial…

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U might wanna check @amberose review thread, as her style inspired this thread on 99%. :slight_smile:

Noooooo. :DDDD Mine could look like he is 40 or smthg :smiley: I’m 27, so 50 is a bit too much for me, so I’m just gonna pretend that he is 40 :smiley:

Aaaaand I didn’t watch any of these two :smiley: I know. Classics and stuff, but they are on my list, once I get more time on my hands, I will watch them :smiley:

I don’t think it is disrespectful. And to be honest, this whole “you’re disrespectful” thing got out of the hand lately. People are offended over tiniest things.
Back to quotes. I honestly loved that u put them in. This is that small, but powerful detail, that serves as a reminder, that mafia is not a good thing and something to admire. Keep them definitely. They take us back to reality, to remind how criminal minds destroyed many innocent lifes.

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If you watch Scarface, I think you will understand more this Michael character, because he is a lot like Tony Montana - the main protagonist of the movie.

And I’m glad you like the quotes, I’m keeping them definitely. :relaxed:

Thanks again for your ideas and everything! :grin::heartpulse:

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:blush:Aww

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Spot an ass-kisser here :DDDDDDDDD

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:kissing_closed_eyes::peach:

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:rofl:
not u lol :smiley: I’m praising u too much lately.

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Meh, I’ll take it :rofl:

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