@whosalla - Starstruck
1st Episode
- Took a while to find your story, cause title is kinda common and u changed your cover
- Yuppy, my favorite authorās introductions. Totally unnecessary if u ask me. The thing about choices couldāve been told in narrator box.
- Iām not sure if you can put labels like āGiorgio Armaniā into the story. Maybe check it with Episode stuff.
- After the paparazzi scene, Next scene, Ezra is placed way too low. Check the spotting guide below, it might be handy.
- In the same scene, first Rowlandās line. Iām not really fond of writers using forward/on camera animations. Iāll put a quote from my guide, explaining why. And itās not hard to change, cuz every animation that there is as forward is present also as normal.
If your story isnāt built around the 4th-wall-breaking-concept - donāt use these animations . These animations are either for this concept or for authorās introductions. End of discussion.
- When Ezra is walking away from his dad, it is even more obvious that he is spotted way too low. The fact that characters are positioned behind, doesnāt mean that to show it you must place them higher than the ones in front. They are supposed to be smaller, but eye level is more or less the same.
- Welp, cheating was kinda fast
- āWhy would you do it?ā Lol. I wouldāve slapped her as well, muahaha I would totally put a choice here Just for some readerās satisfaction.
- I kinda liked Grace, at least in the beginning. A lot of authors, when showing MC, whoās supposed to be ānot-droolingā over celebrities, have a tendency to make themā¦ Welp, a bit intolerable. Like a bit to the bitchy direction. Grace made me believe that she doesnāt really care about it, but without being annoying and full of herself.
- Nathan is so awkward, Iām afraid heās gonna have a heart attack if Grace accidentally touches his elbow or smthg
- I chose to be upfront, and good on her for turning him down gently. Consistent character.
- Mr. Callaghan looks like my dad X_X I now imagine him talking with the Russian accent
- Heeey. How comes Callaghan didnāt send Jared for detention or smthg?
- I swear that black haired friend of Grace is on hormones or smthg. She only talks about boys
- The scene with cheerleaders. You might wanna check spots as well, referring to the guide I put earlier. And the girl on the background, blue jacket-short black hair, should be layered before the one with the long black hair-short skirt. Too attentive to details. Sorry.
- Just a suggestion on the football game. When 3 guys are running, there are 2 or 3 who are just standing. Maybe put some animation for them? Like punch pose or smthg?
- The scene with Grace and Parker. I guess it is believable, some girls might be too awkward when someone is hitting on them. Itās just my personal preference, that I donāt really like these awkward types of girls. Canāt relate
And Grace looks like sheās about to have a stroke, cause too many deepbreath animations. - But I donāt wanna go with him, why do u make me :DDD
- Is she living in a hotel? O_o
- Took a complete stranger, she saw for like 5 minutes into her apartment? Nuh-uh. Bad Grace. I wouldnāt.
2nd Episode
- Donāt blink thing is quite funny
- Their conversation is dragging for too long. Ezra is acting too much like a dick, to ask her to let him stay after.
- I picked - not let him stay, just to see how it goes And cause I donāt like him.
- And he still stayed
- Why does Grace live alone? Sheās in high schoolā¦ Oh, something with mum.
- Iām not buying this whole thing, to be honest. Celebrity or not. Itās just weird to let someone stay at your house whoās A) a total stranger and B) rude and ignorant AF. Maybe there couldāve been more to why Grace is forced to let him stay. Like she still bumps into Ezra, but paparazzi caught them, and follow, cause they think theyāre a thing, and then they hide. I donnow. Just random idea.
- Too much talking. I feel like conversations are made just to show a variety of insults.
- Spread butter on bread. Holly shoot :DDD
- Pineapple does belong on pizza.
- Ezra without a shirt. Predicting wet weather, with extra drooling.
- And there wasnāt O_o Unexpected.
- Did he use my toothbrush? That is gross.
- How did he get into her apartment?
The second chapter was too long. And by that I mean - toooo muuuuch talking. These conversations didnāt expose character personalities. Just talking. Second half, in school, was way better.
The story is quite good. Iām not into these kinds of stories, with awkward girls and celebrities, but there are many who do like. Advanced directing is pretty decent. There were some little flaws, I mentioned them, but they are easily fixed.
As you said your main concern is character development and plot, I will dig more into it. Please note this is a subjective point of view.
To be honest I felt like characters are a bit cliche.
Ezra is typical rude-bad-boy-with-daddy-issues-that-makes-him-act-like-a-dickhead type of character. I donāt say that these types of characters donāt exist, itās just there are too many of them in the Episode stories. As Iām more into the 2nd episodeā¦ Yep, dickhead that is full of himself. Thatās just not my cup of tea, a lot of girls actually dig this type. By the way, I noticed that you donāt really say why Ezra is famous. Ok, his parents are famous. Is that it? Also, sometimes Ezra reminds of a high school student with his way of talking, not a grown up.
Grace. I liked her at the beginning. In convo with Nathan, she had the right amount of awkwardness. A bit shy, but like shy in a thoughtful way, like she just wants to be kind to others. With Parker, she was nearly fainting. With Ezra, she is bossy and sarcastic. Of course, we act a bit different with different people. But IMO, her character lacks consistency in behavior. You canāt just change a characterās personality, for it to fit a certain scene and dialogues direction.
The first chapter was fine. The right amount of action, scene change. The second was kinda boring for me. They were talking too much, basically just scolding each other.
Iād advise adding more action. Show secondary characterās more, instead of convo between main characters that lasts for half an episode. MCās friends could be interesting to watch. And try to think outside the box. Itās impossible to avoid cliches, but you can add your own little details, that will spice the whole plot. Even one unusual detail.
Hope it helped.