@line123462 - Retrace
1st Episode
- Um. I read your “About the author”. The fact that you read it five times doesn’t mean a thing. I read every chapter of my story at least 25-40 times (every scene, and yes, I’m a psycho).
Quantity doesn’t bother anyone who’s reading your story, quality on the other hand… No one cares if you have dyslexia or not, and I doubt this knowledge will affect readers if the story is hard to read because of the mistakes. It is relatively easy to get a proofreader on Forum, even pass your script through spell checker like grammarly.com. I personally pass it through several spell checkers, before giving it for proofreading. And I don’t have dyslexia. I just don’t care about the reasons why there is something wrong with the story, but I do care if the story is good or not good. I won’t waste my time on a story if I cringe while reading it, because I feel sorry for someone. So it’s not an excuse. And I won’t get over it, I will point out where I see a mistake.
Just my opinion for you u to think about if u wish. - Author’s introductions. Checkpoint. ^^
- If you checked your spelling, and let someone else do it, why there is not a single punctuation mark, at least at the author introduction? These are basics really. Or why not every sentence starts with a capital letter.
- Your directing is not bad. You know how to use spot commands, and zoom. In the first scenes I noticed that you used spot command for MC, but then put exit commands, so she becomes very large when she leaves the screen. If you started with spot commands, continue with them.
- On camera animations in the car scene.
- When MC is going to the hospital, in her mom’s room. Before you pan to the zone 2, I see overlays for a second or so. Check this moment. Might be because you put overlays commands after you started pan command. Not sure.
- Check your speechbubble positions. Well, always check them. I just noticed that at the hospital scene speechbubble tails face the wrong direction.
- In the flashback (when MC is reading the case file), there is a problem with character layers. Background characters are layered behind Wade and another guy, but they are scaled bigger, so supposed to be in front of them.
- Don sucks ar compliments
“You really wear that dress well”. - I think that Kat and Candy are too small for the background. Same with the chair. Just look at the bed.
2nd Episode
- I’m not sure why do I need choices about the past, especially if they are about MC’s mom.
- I guess I start getting the plot idea. The pace is dynamic because you go back and forth with the past and present.
- I like Candy. Kinda relateable.
- The thing that made me confused, and might get others as well is that you made MC’s mom with the same look and the same name, plus Don bf’s son looks totally like him in the past. Maybe you could change them a bit?
- Welp, having the same favorite color is sure a sign that it’s a destiny
- When Don goes to talk with his dad, for some reason he faces the wrong direction on the first dialogue line (at least for “tap on the shoulder” choice).
- I don’t like Don at all. He is flighty and mushy, and kinda silly. Is he supposed to be like that?
- When Candy comes home from her run, and MC joins her, MC’s line about Boston is done with non-talking animation.
- Candy went kinda fast from telling that MC is crazy to going with her O_o If she dislikes MC… I donnow. There’s a lack of logic in her decision.
3rd Episode
Oh, I see, you haven’t finished it, as there are almost no animations.
Well… The plot is not bad. What’s really good about it, is that it’s dynamic. I don’t remember this kind of concept, where you read almost simultaneously about the present and the past plot-lines, that are connected. So this is good.
You have an average grasp over advanced directing. But the story definitely requires polishing. Character layering, spot commands (a lot of times they don’t match the background), speechbubble positions, and other things I mentioned.
I have mixed feelings about the dialogues and characters. As some characters seem to be well done, like Candy, who’s my favorite so far. I don’t feel like I’m playing as MC tho. I have 0 connection with her. I think you should show her a bit more, and reveal her character more clear.
I’m not sure how to judge dialogues, because this impression is blurred by terrible grammar and punctuation. Plus there are a lot of mistakes besides that, that requires more extra focus, just to understand what you’re saying. If you have problems with it, just ask someone to help. There are a few very good proofreaders on Forums, and I strongly recommend to find one. When you will fix these mistakes, there won’t be a need for author’s introduction.
While on the 2nd episode I realized that I actually like the story plot and concept, and I would read it when released, the grammar part just strips away half of the possible enjoyment.