It would make sense if Maxwell’s surname was Ocean Suggestion
Thanks for suggestion. it sounds good. i’ll consider it
Title: Back to back
Description:You’re the baddest spy and so is he. But what will you do when he finds out your identity. Be careful going on missions is dangerous and so is love. But you can Handle it. (CC, CM)
What is the main concern about your story?
i just want to know how I can improve ect.
@line123462 - Retrace
- Um. I read your “About the author”. The fact that you read it five times doesn’t mean a thing. I read every chapter of my story at least 25-40 times (every scene, and yes, I’m a psycho).
Quantity doesn’t bother anyone who’s reading your story, quality on the other hand… No one cares if you have dyslexia or not, and I doubt this knowledge will affect readers if the story is hard to read because of the mistakes. It is relatively easy to get a proofreader on Forum, even pass your script through spell checker like grammarly.com. I personally pass it through several spell checkers, before giving it for proofreading. And I don’t have dyslexia. I just don’t care about the reasons why there is something wrong with the story, but I do care if the story is good or not good. I won’t waste my time on a story if I cringe while reading it, because I feel sorry for someone. So it’s not an excuse. And I won’t get over it, I will point out where I see a mistake. Just my opinion for you u to think about if u wish.
- Author’s introductions. Checkpoint. ^^
- If you checked your spelling, and let someone else do it, why there is not a single punctuation mark, at least at the author introduction? These are basics really. Or why not every sentence starts with a capital letter.
- Your directing is not bad. You know how to use spot commands, and zoom. In the first scenes I noticed that you used spot command for MC, but then put exit commands, so she becomes very large when she leaves the screen. If you started with spot commands, continue with them.
- On camera animations in the car scene.
- When MC is going to the hospital, in her mom’s room. Before you pan to the zone 2, I see overlays for a second or so. Check this moment. Might be because you put overlays commands after you started pan command. Not sure.
- Check your speechbubble positions. Well, always check them. I just noticed that at the hospital scene speechbubble tails face the wrong direction.
- In the flashback (when MC is reading the case file), there is a problem with character layers. Background characters are layered behind Wade and another guy, but they are scaled bigger, so supposed to be in front of them.
- Don sucks ar compliments “You really wear that dress well”.
- I think that Kat and Candy are too small for the background. Same with the chair. Just look at the bed.
- I’m not sure why do I need choices about the past, especially if they are about MC’s mom.
- I guess I start getting the plot idea. The pace is dynamic because you go back and forth with the past and present.
- I like Candy. Kinda relateable.
- The thing that made me confused, and might get others as well is that you made MC’s mom with the same look and the same name, plus Don bf’s son looks totally like him in the past. Maybe you could change them a bit?
- Welp, having the same favorite color is sure a sign that it’s a destiny
- When Don goes to talk with his dad, for some reason he faces the wrong direction on the first dialogue line (at least for “tap on the shoulder” choice).
- I don’t like Don at all. He is flighty and mushy, and kinda silly. Is he supposed to be like that?
- When Candy comes home from her run, and MC joins her, MC’s line about Boston is done with non-talking animation.
- Candy went kinda fast from telling that MC is crazy to going with her O_o If she dislikes MC… I donnow. There’s a lack of logic in her decision.
Oh, I see, you haven’t finished it, as there are almost no animations.
Well… The plot is not bad. What’s really good about it, is that it’s dynamic. I don’t remember this kind of concept, where you read almost simultaneously about the present and the past plot-lines, that are connected. So this is good.
You have an average grasp over advanced directing. But the story definitely requires polishing. Character layering, spot commands (a lot of times they don’t match the background), speechbubble positions, and other things I mentioned.
I have mixed feelings about the dialogues and characters. As some characters seem to be well done, like Candy, who’s my favorite so far. I don’t feel like I’m playing as MC tho. I have 0 connection with her. I think you should show her a bit more, and reveal her character more clear.
I’m not sure how to judge dialogues, because this impression is blurred by terrible grammar and punctuation. Plus there are a lot of mistakes besides that, that requires more extra focus, just to understand what you’re saying. If you have problems with it, just ask someone to help. There are a few very good proofreaders on Forums, and I strongly recommend to find one. When you will fix these mistakes, there won’t be a need for author’s introduction.
While on the 2nd episode I realized that I actually like the story plot and concept, and I would read it when released, the grammar part just strips away half of the possible enjoyment.
thanks for the review. I am just gotta respond to it while reading it
the about the author I had completely forgotten I did write that. I think had that one has been there since we got avatars on the app.
also, I read each chapter many times more than five
yeah, I have been trying to get does overlays to stop popping. I haven’t figured it out yet. its actually don’t do it in the overview on my pc. only on my phone not that it matters cause it’s on the phone it shall work on
I have not done any speech bubbles yet. I wanna do that last when I am done with all 3 episodes so that I can look them over again.
I know in my script on pc everyone is on the right layer. I have just found that is not the case for my phone. and it is very strange it is not the same.
he is suppose to suck at compliments.
cause the story is about both . it is a two for one deal. and the choices can give you a different ending
yes, don is supposed to be like that. I am not gonna make him a bad boy. cause 1 I suck at that 2 I wanna do something different. it is always the bad guy story in the mafia. I am going for the sweet guy you would introduce to your parents. well that is until well spoilers. people who end bad relationship are usually the one who started out really good.
maybe candy does miss logic in her decision to help. I tried to make it look like she does so she can get rip of her . but I guess did not do that well.
I have tried to have a proofreader before. multiple actually and it was not a good experience.
I am very glad that you liked my story I will let you know when it is published( i kinda hope it will be this month ). and I liked your review. it has given me a few things to think about. i dont really disagree with anything you said.
I strongly suggest you to go through your script on laptop. I am 100% sure than you can’t make a flawless advanced directing with your phone.
But with the overlay thing, you can drop me code with the beginning of that scene, I will take a look, why overlays pop out.
I won’t argue. Just say my thoughts on this approach, because you might find it useful, and you haven’t published your story yet. First contradiction is a nice guy in the gang. For me, it is kinda naive. But ok, let’s drop this point. He may be not a bad guy. He was just too soft, this contradicts whole mafia thing even more.
Maybe you could just make her resist a bit more, add some additional lines to her thoughts about this whole thing. Like, make her try harder to convince MC not to go.
I can suggest CrazyCaliope. She helped me with my story.
And I would read it if you remove grammar mistakes. It’s just a turn off for me, for any interesting story.
i have a qustion. i make the scene go black and white when it shift. and i am thinking about two things
1: should i made it fade out white instead if black
2:should i also make the black and white scene when i end it
Yeah, I noticed that u tried using filters. I’m not sure it’s the best decision.
First of all you used them for like a couple of seconds for the “past” scenes. No point here. But putting the filter for whole “past” scenes is not the best thing to do either. It’s not a short memory or smthg, it’s a solid part of the story, so why steal its colors. What I can suggest to distinguish these scenes, is to simply put readerMessage with the text like “Year 1991” or whatever year there is, or instead of readerMessage make an overlay, to make it fancier.
i think the year would be 2002.
Well, doesn’t matter. As I said, you can try either readerMessage, or an overlay. I can help with the overlay by the way. If you need it, tell me, as I have some free time now.
the overlay idea is actually a pretty good idea and i would love your help.
i can put the dates in myself.(i just have to figure them out ) but i dont know what it should look like
Title: the assistant
Description: Hailey is desperate for a job. But what happens when she gets one for an arrogant singer? Will she be able to keep her job?
the main concern I really want to know how to improve, what mistakes I make, what I need to be aware of, etc. All the advise I can get!
Please edit your post using my form.
I feel kinda stupid saying this. But I can find your form.
First post. On the very top. Submission form.
I was just about to write again.
I saw the submission form when I read it, but I didn’t know that you could press it.
Now I feel really stupid! Gonna correct it now.