Thanks! I appreciate that. The overall story is good. But I still need to get my feet wet in Episode’s script coding. It was actually the reason I chose Spotlight first just so I could have something to “practice” with before I move on to Season 2, which is right now full on LL. Obviously Season 2 is gonna require some…work as well
I would like an review please.
Fill the form please. It’s on top
Title: Job Drama
Description: When life takes its swing at you,you’re left jobless and hit a whole new low and depending on nothing and nobody.So when you finally get a job,will you let lies and love get to you
What is the main concern about your story? A girl is jobless and she has no to go, so she needs to find a job before everything goes down hill.
@Mimibrix - In the County
- Maria in her phone convo, while Claire is speaking she is on looped talking animation. U might wanna check it,
- And MC is standing with the weird face when Maria is talking on the phone. Put her on shiftweight animation or smthg.
- I feel like you haven’t got a full hold on the available animations and how u can use them. That animation with the gift box was kinda weird.
- I donnow how I feel about the exaggerated use of animations. Like their animations are way too…bold? It works sometimes in some stories, but not sure about this one.
- Default Episode character (sales lady) spotted. Even clothes are the same. It makes me sad.
- Dawn is walking with the box while not moving… There is an idle animation for the box.
- Check weird faces. I see them a lot. Sometimes they are stuck with them, like after the callout or greet animations. You can always put idle_shiftweight animation after their lines.
- Why are u not using walking rear animation? (Kitchen scene)
- You should work on spot commands and perspective. I see that you place your characters at spots, and sometimes make them walk not to the spot, but to the screen right/left. It doesn’t always work, and a lot of times messes with the perspective. Always check how character movements correlate with the background. Especially visible at the party scene.
- Maybe try changing other characters clothes from time to time?
- Wait, so she has a private jet, but can’t spend 500$ on a dress?
- Check Landie and lil’ girl’s layers. Cause now MC’s aunt is positioned behind but should be in front. Not while they are talking, but when they are leaving.
- It’s not just about your story, but what is it with everyone making characters cough when they think that some girl is cute?
I just don’t know. It really has the potential for a sit-com kind of story. But I think there’s gotta be more work done. With dialogues, with directing. I’m thinking about MC as well… Like she’s not likable. I get it, she is a spoiled brat, but there’s gotta be something likable about her, and at the end of the 2nd episode I still don’t see anything good about her.
The plot idea is good, not original as a movie concept, but as an Episode story - it kinda is. I’d advise you to re-think MC from the scratch. Now she’s just highly obnoxious and annoying. Characters questionnaire helps with this a lot. She may be a brat, but she might be funny brat you know, with some cool traits, maybe the way she speaks. And definitely work on directing. You sorta make an attempt to do advanced directing, but it requires a lot of polishing.
Hope this was helpful.
@misfits-n-tantrums - Dancing for my Life
- Lol, you’re the first writer I see to warn readers about tablet thing)
- I miss a bit of smoothness in the beginning. You make the sound splash and then characters simply appear. Kinda want to see some kind of short intro, maybe transition)
- Heeeey. Where are my favorite hairy male faces? X_X #mad
- Please don’t tell me white-haired dude is gonna put some drugs in her drink… He did. I just wonder if it really happens that often.
- Check the scene in the club where guys are fighting. Background characters are spotted a bit wrong I would say. The ones on the right should be a bit smaller and positioned lower.
- Johnny… I had so much hope
- That was kinda short for my taste.
- I know visual things are not that important, I mean splashes and stuff. But sound splash is kinda off. Squeezed and cut on sides. If you’ll decide to redo them, feel free to ask me.
- I have that thing. I notice when writers put the same animation for a few consecutive dialogue lines. Others might too, never asked, but maybe try to spice Johnny’s friend animations with something other than shrug animation.
- Yeah, by the way. Baby’s friends are jerks.
- Is it a story for that Dirty Dancing contest?
- I can’t help but notice that Baby’s dad looks almost similar to Episode default character. His clothes are just the same. Maybe change him a bit? Cause now he’s kinda bland.
- I think that her conversation with dad was pretty good. Seemed realistic to me, which I highly appreciate.
- Well, she’s not a saint, but her dad is being a jerk.
- When Johnny speaks with Jade, they are spotted kinda wrong. I don’t mind if a girl is taller, but she just looks bigger. Like Johnny is 15yo or Peter Dinklage.
- The scene where Johnny rides his car. First of all, when car shifts, Johnny stays in place, you should put him moving simultaneously with the car. And second, I wouldn’t shift the car completely, because this Episode default overlay is cut. Like the car’s behind is absent. Either don’t shift it that far or find another car overlay.
- The scene in the cafe. Considering that Johnny will come to them, I would seat girls in two zones. Because you put them in one, it looks weird when Johnny is standing, because table overlay is in front of him, and also because when he sits, part of Baby is cut off. Put Baby and one girl in the 1st zone, second girl in the 2nd zone, and Johnny could stand the way overlay doesn’t stand in front of him. Then Johnny could be positioned correctly besides Baby. Cause this way you have to make all the characters kinda small to this background.
- I love how Sal can’t remember Johnny’s name
Okay. So I actually didn’t expect it, but I loved your story. Although there are several problems with directing, especially characters positions and stuff, I genuinely enjoyed the plot, and most of all fine, well-paced dialogues. There’s enough drama, characters are likable and have their own separate lives, that doesn’t revolve around partying or shopping, that is very common to see for me. I put this story into my favorites and plan on reading it.
If you decide to make changes to sound splash and car overlay, and maybe make a small intro to your story, I will be glad to help, as I’m good with the visual stuff.
Title Kingdom Keepers
Description Quinn, the newly crowned Queen of Aa’Gonn, must fight against would-be suitors, destructive adversaries, venomous assassins, and budding romance. Do you have what it takes to rule?
Main Concern Anything in general that you see wrong with the story, or needs improvement. I’m new to the interactive story concept, so making it interesting is a big concern. But the story needs all the help it can get, so have fun and PLEASE rip it apart for me!
ohhh, my cover ^^ donnow why u didn’t want to put a name on it.
Lol I never have liked my author name on any of my covers. Just a pet peeve of mine, I guess
Do like me, create your own unique fake name mine is Elzbiet Zaleski
Title: Sentimental Heartache
Description: After Arianna “coincidentally” meets Lucas, they start talking to each other more frequently. Soon enough, they realize that the more they talk, the more they fall.
Small cover: (Not uploaded on episode yet)
What is the main concern about your story?: Chapter length and also anything that needs improvement because I’m sure there’s things I can improve on.
If you get a chance sometime, I’d like to see what you think of the revamp. I tried limelight but even though there were more skin color options, the other customization choices felt more limited, so I went back to ink. I dropped the first 3 chapters altogether and started the revamp about 10 chapters in when Tara can speak well enough to be understood and my directing was more evolved. She will flash back to memories of the twins and Molly teaching her to speak. I also decided that instead of mixing present day and 20+ years ago in each episode, I’m alternating between time periods in separate episodes. Spotlight still remains in a limited capacity between characters as the dream-scape, but never to the reader. In the original version in episode 5 it was revealed that terrans communicate over great distances using the dream-scape (a void plane of existence where linked souls and minds could communicate together) which is how Tara was communicating with the reader.
PS Thanks for your tips, backgrounds, and overlays sections. I found them very helpful.
Hi! Would it be okay to ask you to review my unpublished story? If it is, should I pm you the form and the link?
Hello sweetie, I’m writing this on Cookie’s behalf as she’s currently unable to reply on here, She can review your unpublished story, if you could PM her she can do it
Will do and thank you!
Title: College Days: Mysterious Northview
Author: Miranda Lynn
Description: A college is not what it seems to be. Strange students, and a mysterious principal. Power, lies, and magic collide… What secrets lie behind Northview University’s walls?
What is the main concern about your story?: Hi! My main concern is the length of every scene. I originally wrote “scattered scenes” (various scenes from different character storylines) in order to make the readers try to connect it. The story is also a mystery so some things will not be mentioned. The directing too is another concern.
Title: PRINCESS OF DARYA
Description: Aerwyna is one of four Princesses of the Elements (water_fire_earth_wind) In the midst of war, will she give her heart to her protector in a forbidden romance? CC Multiple Endings*
Main Concern: I am interested in getting feedback that will help me with reader retention. I also would like an opinion on the plot, and story pace…
My account is finally off hold!
@Januva - Behind Closed Doors
- Nice introduction to the story.
- I would work a bit on the background characters, as I see you changed their looks, but not default Episode clothes.
- It was a bit weird that when MC, Cora, and Co. walked to the “spot” but from opposite directions. You placed background characters on the school grounds well enough, so why not use spot commands here as well?
- I donnow what’s the point of Cora’s in-type answer on that “death” question really. Like what’s the point of it, except for extra typing?
- I replayed story to see what happens if I choose not to hang out with Cora, like if I really have a chance to ditch her.
- That Iris chick is freaking me out.
- The scene with the letter. Maybe you could put readerMessage that says to click on the screen when finished? I got it, but some might not.
- She didn’t close her locker before leaving.
- .That vagina joke was… Kinda inappropriate and gross in a bad way?
- I was talking about art scene use in my Tips and Tricks thread. And I have to say this is the situation where it was kinda unnecessary? Kind of a filler.
- Check spot commands in the scene where MC mom watches her sleep. She is much smaller than Naomi, and she supposed to be bigger because she is standing closer. Unless she’s a dwarf of course.
- Voldemort hehe?
- Blurred backgrounds-slash-overlays add a nice touch to MC’s procrastination
- With Iris disappearing story kinda speeds up on pace, in a good way, cause I didn’t feel like something was actually happening in the 2nd chapter.
- The fight scene between Cora and Maliah is well done. I often see how writers do them, and they turned out to be kinda slowly-unrealistic. But urs was dynamic.
- I also feel like the 3rd chapter was the best in length, but maybe it’s cause there was more action than in other 2.
I just don’t know. Like, in the beginning, it all seemed kinda interesting and stuff. But I don’t see any minor plot lines. I also feel a lack of communication between MC and other characters. The only one seems to be with Iris and a bit with Cora in the first chapter. I doubt you can pull out the story without creating and showing secondary characters. For the most time, MC is just procrastinating and thinking and talking to herself. It gets boring. When she’s not - she is chit-chatting about things that don’t show hers or other character personalities. Like she spends half of the 2nd episode at her mother, and nothing happens. Nothing important I mean.
Ok, so in the third chapter, I kinda think that there might be a problem not with the characters and plot, but with the story pace. It is really slow in the first 2 chapters but gets a lot better in the 3rd. A lot of thinking and stuff, that could’ve been replaced with more dynamic scenes and conversations. I know that it would be hard to fix, but regardless these are my honest thoughts.
As I finished the 3rd chapter, I gotta say yep. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t continue reading it in the second chapter. The third chapter is a lot more interesting because it finally shows other characters and more action.
I’m not sure why you picked drama as this story genre. It seems to be more like a mystery. And it certainly lacks romance. Romance would please a big group of readers, including myself, and add minor plot line, that is very needed in this story,
thank you, ill take this into account