Hi! Would it be okay to ask you to review my unpublished story? If it is, should I pm you the form and the link?
Hello sweetie, I’m writing this on Cookie’s behalf as she’s currently unable to reply on here, She can review your unpublished story, if you could PM her she can do it
Will do and thank you!
Title: College Days: Mysterious Northview
Author: Miranda Lynn
Description: A college is not what it seems to be. Strange students, and a mysterious principal. Power, lies, and magic collide… What secrets lie behind Northview University’s walls?
What is the main concern about your story?: Hi! My main concern is the length of every scene. I originally wrote “scattered scenes” (various scenes from different character storylines) in order to make the readers try to connect it. The story is also a mystery so some things will not be mentioned. The directing too is another concern.
Title: PRINCESS OF DARYA
Description: Aerwyna is one of four Princesses of the Elements (water_fire_earth_wind) In the midst of war, will she give her heart to her protector in a forbidden romance? CC Multiple Endings*
Main Concern: I am interested in getting feedback that will help me with reader retention. I also would like an opinion on the plot, and story pace…
My account is finally off hold!
@Januva - Behind Closed Doors
- Nice introduction to the story.
- I would work a bit on the background characters, as I see you changed their looks, but not default Episode clothes.
- It was a bit weird that when MC, Cora, and Co. walked to the “spot” but from opposite directions. You placed background characters on the school grounds well enough, so why not use spot commands here as well?
- I donnow what’s the point of Cora’s in-type answer on that “death” question really. Like what’s the point of it, except for extra typing?
- I replayed story to see what happens if I choose not to hang out with Cora, like if I really have a chance to ditch her.
- That Iris chick is freaking me out.
- The scene with the letter. Maybe you could put readerMessage that says to click on the screen when finished? I got it, but some might not.
- She didn’t close her locker before leaving.
- .That vagina joke was… Kinda inappropriate and gross in a bad way?
- I was talking about art scene use in my Tips and Tricks thread. And I have to say this is the situation where it was kinda unnecessary? Kind of a filler.
- Check spot commands in the scene where MC mom watches her sleep. She is much smaller than Naomi, and she supposed to be bigger because she is standing closer. Unless she’s a dwarf of course.
- Voldemort hehe?
- Blurred backgrounds-slash-overlays add a nice touch to MC’s procrastination
- With Iris disappearing story kinda speeds up on pace, in a good way, cause I didn’t feel like something was actually happening in the 2nd chapter.
- The fight scene between Cora and Maliah is well done. I often see how writers do them, and they turned out to be kinda slowly-unrealistic. But urs was dynamic.
- I also feel like the 3rd chapter was the best in length, but maybe it’s cause there was more action than in other 2.
I just don’t know. Like, in the beginning, it all seemed kinda interesting and stuff. But I don’t see any minor plot lines. I also feel a lack of communication between MC and other characters. The only one seems to be with Iris and a bit with Cora in the first chapter. I doubt you can pull out the story without creating and showing secondary characters. For the most time, MC is just procrastinating and thinking and talking to herself. It gets boring. When she’s not - she is chit-chatting about things that don’t show hers or other character personalities. Like she spends half of the 2nd episode at her mother, and nothing happens. Nothing important I mean.
Ok, so in the third chapter, I kinda think that there might be a problem not with the characters and plot, but with the story pace. It is really slow in the first 2 chapters but gets a lot better in the 3rd. A lot of thinking and stuff, that could’ve been replaced with more dynamic scenes and conversations. I know that it would be hard to fix, but regardless these are my honest thoughts.
As I finished the 3rd chapter, I gotta say yep. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t continue reading it in the second chapter. The third chapter is a lot more interesting because it finally shows other characters and more action.
I’m not sure why you picked drama as this story genre. It seems to be more like a mystery. And it certainly lacks romance. Romance would please a big group of readers, including myself, and add minor plot line, that is very needed in this story,
thank you, ill take this into account
My story: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Genre: Romantic Comedy / Slice of Life
Story style: Limelight
Description: Kiara, Willow, Samantha, and Sooyoung are just 4 girls trying to survive high school. Follow them as they grow up and discover first love, pain and what true friendship means.
The girls have 4 different sexualities, races and growth.
Episodes: 3 so far
Yeah, I’m gonna decline your request. You don’t bother to read requirements for requesting on this thread - I won’t bother to do it since I’m pretty sure you just need reads.
Have a nice day.
Hey I’m sorry I thought I put it in what I wanted from a review here. For other people’s post I put really big main concerns but I must’ve missed it in this post.
I did write was I was looking for in other people’s posts and I thought I wrote it here.
I really just wanted to know if my story fit the comedy or romantic genre and to know if I should change my title depending on how a reader would take the story. I also wanted to know what readers felt about the chemistry between the characters too.
I’m sorry for the confusion though. I get that it’s hard to do reviews because I see a lot of people doing them. And I know it’s time consuming. And it must’ve looked like to you I was doing that. But I’ve been only doing that on R4Rs. For actual reviews I say what I want.
Sorry this is long I just hate making people feel like used when they put time and effort into their things.
I won’t bother you about my story. But good luck with the other reviews because I know a lot of people appreciate them.
If you wanna delete my story post that would be okay too. I feel really bad about the confusion and don’t wanna take anything away from the other writers.
It’s okay. I will add u to the list.
Thank you so much I really appreciate it!
@Unicornlover346 - Back to Back
- I always appreciate when splashes are in one style.
- Nonono. Why do people use the avatar creator for CC??? It doesn’t have any new features, that appeared like half a year ago. There are so many customization templates, you don’t even have to create them yourself. Yeah, it saves script lines, but it doesn’t make sense since you aren’t limited in terms of lines. There’s not a legit excuse for using avatar creator at this point.
- The first scene, character pops-out. Not sure why.
- The scene with mom in the kitchen. Mom speaks line about surprise with non-speaking animation, then there isn’t any animation for the next dialogue line.
- Mom’s line right before “I need to go now”. She is stuck on looped animation, and her mouth is moving while MC is talking.
- Uni scene, where u zoom around. At some point you zoom outside the background, so we can see the black screen.
- MC at this scene is looking at the camera… Why?
- OK. Seriously go through the entire script and put animation before every dialogue line. This is one of the things that doesn’t require you to be a pro in coding. It’s just about the effort.
- More times where you use on camera animations. Unless you build your story around 4th wall breaking thing.
- I would take a look on the speechbubbles positions, as now they are quite randomly positioned.
- A lot of non-talking animations for dialogue lines…
- Don’t forget to put the time in your walk to spot commands, like in the scene where MC mom walks into her bedroom.
- Um. It was an interesting thing with the flashback. But I think more information on the whole family situation would help, since I don’t understand, are her mother and dad divorced or what is happening to them.
- Okay. U explained. But does her mom knows about this whole thing?
- You used speechbubble command at some point, and then in the second scene, you stopped, so tails are facing the wrong direction most of the time, and are positioned too low.
- That convo with Kai is weird… Like really weird.
- OK. That was an interesting approach. I decided not to get to the mall, just to check if I really have a choice in there, and I have to go wearing regular clothes
- I noticed that your positioning is kinda off, where there are a lot of BG characters. You might wanna check this guide below.
- I noticed that sometimes you use exit commands after placing the character with spot commands. This results in character being too big when they exit the screen.
- I don’t get a bit that scene with Alexa. Like MC is standing right beside her. Can’t she see the guy/girl who is speaking with Alexa?
- I can see you really made meaningful choices.
- Characters are still popping out.
OK. Lots of directing mistakes. I guess no need to dig into it more, since I mentioned your types of mistakes, just look into them throughout all the script, not just these exact spots I mentioned. If you figured how to do choices that affect next episodes, I don’t know what your directing isn’t much better TBH.
Now to the plot.
The first episode was half boring half interesting. Whole school thing was a total filler, that first of all, seem to have zero impact on the overall plot, and plus, it doesn’t really expose character personality. Also not sure how I feel about the school girl being a spy. Seems unrealistic for me. Especially since her dad is involved.
I understand your plot I guess. But I feel like it is kinda messy. Lots of characters know a lot of information, every other is a spy… The whole story seems to be very far-fetched. It may be the result of you wanting to add more action and drama, but it didn’t work. I would advise looking over the whole plot, and the characters backstories. This is just too messy as it is, in my opinion.
Hope it helped you.
Thanks for your feedback, I was just wondering what you mean by messy and how I could fix it xx
Now please note that this is a subjective opinion.
Well. By messy I mean that there’s a lot of what is happening is not explained. Like how Alexa knows what she knows, that Kai guy, plus her mom, plus that whole spy thing with MC and other details. They are there, and most of them aren’t explained. It’s like you tried to put every mystery in 2 episodes. This is too much and causes confusion.
What I would suggest, since I think you only have 4 episodes. First of all, write down characters backstories and profiles, plus the overall story plot, in case you didn’t. To do that I suggest referring to these posts I made -> How to plan a plot where I tried to explain how to plan your story so that you could avoid plot holes and possible writer block and how to create consistent characters. - where you can find characters questionnaire, that will help you to create characters, so that it is easier to write dialogues and plan your whole plot.
I also suggest you slow down the pace of your story. You are throwing way to much information (that is not yet explained) in just 2 episodes. Take your time to show characters, but make it interesting. Maybe you can even start the story with the flashback, since we know about her being a spy from description anyway.
Title: Inner Circle
Description: The lives & lies of rich and famous college students aren’t as glamorous as they appear. Are you ready for the world of scandals, money, and class, where rules don’t exist? CC LGBT
(I cropped the cover when uploading it to publish which is why it’s so big)
The main concern I have is that my story isn’t paced correctly, or that it is too cliche. I hate most Episode written stories because they are so cliche and overuse the same tropes. The story is character based, and MC’s relationship with characters are super important.
@Lonse - The Assistant
- Nice first scene. Builds tension.
- First scene in school. There was one Narrator dialogue line where you didn’t put “.” in the end of the sentence. Actually there were more dialogue lines without punctuation. Check whole script.
- I would suggest to put looped animation for background characters at school. Cause now the kinda do animation and then stand still.
- "Or how the boys are (not is) wearing other pants.
- Also some dialogue lines that don’t start with the capital letter.
- Nice work with that paper overlay. Looks cool.
- First episode is incredibly short. Like nothing except for introduction.
- Also you have “to be continued” phrase two times at the end.
- Good job on changing other characters clothes.
- Now. If there are several love interests, at least give readers some kind of information about them. I personally, and I think a lot of other readers try to adjust character look to their personality. Add some short description. Like good guy/bad boy/maybe job… Basic traits.
- The second chapter was much better in length. Like I can forgive you the length of the 1st chapter. But I’m still not sure if I would continue on 2nd under normal circumstances, cause the 1st one’s too short.
- Choices matter.
- The scene in the kitchen. I’m not sure about the table-characters positions. IMO, the table is scaled too small, and also placed too low for the background you are using. I guess you might’ve noticed it urself, but you wanted to place all three characters in the same zone. I would place MC in the first near the table and Nana and Han in the second and scaled them, and table as well, bigger.
- The scene at the interview. Tessa is talking about Sunday being free, Hailey is still on looped talking animation.
- I think Tessa’s line about “rat” is without animation.
- The scene with the building. Girl walking in the background is walking kinda fast, and I think her layer is wrong also, you might wanna check it. Also, I’m not sure if you got a hold on “&” commands. Your narrator is saying something, then the background character is moving, then another line of narration. You can just put girl walking command as **&**CHARACTER walks to spot xx xx xxx in T.
- Now. Donnow if it was before, but you forget to put speechbubble commands or reset them after using. Noticed it on the Earl-Hailey scene.
- What I said in the previous comment about & commands. Also applied to the scene where Hailey falls. You want to put narration, but while I read she’s kinda walking without moving. So you can put her falling animation on “&” and the narrator will go on while she falls.
- That Nana scene. #dead
- “My ass is bleeding” is a really nice cliffhanger
So I didn’t notice many directing problems. Your directing is pretty great, except for a couple of easy to fix glitches, and that thing with & commands instead of @.
The main problem is with grammar and punctuation. Find proofreader. Like now. A lot of sentences that don’t start with the capital letter, lack of commas and points…
I would suggest to add one scene to the 1st episode. Now sure what kind of scene, but it is way short and u may lose some readers cause of that.
I liked MC personality. She’s an awkward type, but funny awkward, not just shy-awkward. And I like that she doesn’t always care to be awkward. Very likable in my opinion.
Now you might’ve noticed that I’ve reviewed more episodes than I usually do. Although this is partially cliche based story, MC personality totally makes up for it for me. Also, other characters are good enough. I loved Nana and Hannah, Brad (I think it was Brad, the first LI) is cute, and the second LI (I’m awful at names) is an arrogant dick, but not too much.
Yep. This is my new guilty pleasure story. Can’t honestly put my finger on why I liked it so much.
Now not to offend anyone, but I think your story deserves a better cover. If you’ll want a drawn cover, feel free to contact me. I do mostly commission art, but sometimes I do some stuff without commission if it is interesting for me, like in this case.
I love your criticism! Thank you so much.
I know the first chapter is short, but I don’t know how to make it longer - still thinking about that.
I will definitely go back and re-read it and change the things you mentioned- thanks again.
In the 6th episode you’ll get the change to CC again, but do you still suggest I write a little about them the first time?
Now for a stupid question- how do I find a proofreader?
I would love for a better cover. You are too kind! Should I DM you?
I’m glad you liked it, but I’m honestly more glad about your honest opinion! Then I really know how to improve.
Um. You could show some scene involving the band? Maybe girls watching them perform on TV, or that guy giving an interview? Random idea.
I would still. Because you kinda get used to the look, and I usually don’t change it for LI
There u go
Glad to hear that it was helpful Good luck with ur story.