Thank you so much I really appreciate it!
@Unicornlover346 - Back to Back
- I always appreciate when splashes are in one style.
- Nonono. Why do people use the avatar creator for CC??? It doesn’t have any new features, that appeared like half a year ago. There are so many customization templates, you don’t even have to create them yourself. Yeah, it saves script lines, but it doesn’t make sense since you aren’t limited in terms of lines. There’s not a legit excuse for using avatar creator at this point.
- The first scene, character pops-out. Not sure why.
- The scene with mom in the kitchen. Mom speaks line about surprise with non-speaking animation, then there isn’t any animation for the next dialogue line.
- Mom’s line right before “I need to go now”. She is stuck on looped animation, and her mouth is moving while MC is talking.
- Uni scene, where u zoom around. At some point you zoom outside the background, so we can see the black screen.
- MC at this scene is looking at the camera… Why?
- OK. Seriously go through the entire script and put animation before every dialogue line. This is one of the things that doesn’t require you to be a pro in coding. It’s just about the effort.
- More times where you use on camera animations. Unless you build your story around 4th wall breaking thing.
- I would take a look on the speechbubbles positions, as now they are quite randomly positioned.
- A lot of non-talking animations for dialogue lines…
- Don’t forget to put the time in your walk to spot commands, like in the scene where MC mom walks into her bedroom.
- Um. It was an interesting thing with the flashback. But I think more information on the whole family situation would help, since I don’t understand, are her mother and dad divorced or what is happening to them.
- Okay. U explained. But does her mom knows about this whole thing?
- You used speechbubble command at some point, and then in the second scene, you stopped, so tails are facing the wrong direction most of the time, and are positioned too low.
- That convo with Kai is weird… Like really weird.
- OK. That was an interesting approach. I decided not to get to the mall, just to check if I really have a choice in there, and I have to go wearing regular clothes
- I noticed that your positioning is kinda off, where there are a lot of BG characters. You might wanna check this guide below.
- I noticed that sometimes you use exit commands after placing the character with spot commands. This results in character being too big when they exit the screen.
- I don’t get a bit that scene with Alexa. Like MC is standing right beside her. Can’t she see the guy/girl who is speaking with Alexa?
- I can see you really made meaningful choices.
- Characters are still popping out.
OK. Lots of directing mistakes. I guess no need to dig into it more, since I mentioned your types of mistakes, just look into them throughout all the script, not just these exact spots I mentioned. If you figured how to do choices that affect next episodes, I don’t know what your directing isn’t much better TBH.
Now to the plot.
The first episode was half boring half interesting. Whole school thing was a total filler, that first of all, seem to have zero impact on the overall plot, and plus, it doesn’t really expose character personality. Also not sure how I feel about the school girl being a spy. Seems unrealistic for me. Especially since her dad is involved.
I understand your plot I guess. But I feel like it is kinda messy. Lots of characters know a lot of information, every other is a spy… The whole story seems to be very far-fetched. It may be the result of you wanting to add more action and drama, but it didn’t work. I would advise looking over the whole plot, and the characters backstories. This is just too messy as it is, in my opinion.
Hope it helped you.
Thanks for your feedback, I was just wondering what you mean by messy and how I could fix it xx
Now please note that this is a subjective opinion.
Well. By messy I mean that there’s a lot of what is happening is not explained. Like how Alexa knows what she knows, that Kai guy, plus her mom, plus that whole spy thing with MC and other details. They are there, and most of them aren’t explained. It’s like you tried to put every mystery in 2 episodes. This is too much and causes confusion.
What I would suggest, since I think you only have 4 episodes. First of all, write down characters backstories and profiles, plus the overall story plot, in case you didn’t. To do that I suggest referring to these posts I made -> How to plan a plot where I tried to explain how to plan your story so that you could avoid plot holes and possible writer block and how to create consistent characters. - where you can find characters questionnaire, that will help you to create characters, so that it is easier to write dialogues and plan your whole plot.
I also suggest you slow down the pace of your story. You are throwing way to much information (that is not yet explained) in just 2 episodes. Take your time to show characters, but make it interesting. Maybe you can even start the story with the flashback, since we know about her being a spy from description anyway.
Title: Inner Circle
Description: The lives & lies of rich and famous college students aren’t as glamorous as they appear. Are you ready for the world of scandals, money, and class, where rules don’t exist? CC LGBT
(I cropped the cover when uploading it to publish which is why it’s so big)
The main concern I have is that my story isn’t paced correctly, or that it is too cliche. I hate most Episode written stories because they are so cliche and overuse the same tropes. The story is character based, and MC’s relationship with characters are super important.
@Lonse - The Assistant
- Nice first scene. Builds tension.
- First scene in school. There was one Narrator dialogue line where you didn’t put “.” in the end of the sentence. Actually there were more dialogue lines without punctuation. Check whole script.
- I would suggest to put looped animation for background characters at school. Cause now the kinda do animation and then stand still.
- "Or how the boys are (not is) wearing other pants.
- Also some dialogue lines that don’t start with the capital letter.
- Nice work with that paper overlay. Looks cool.
- First episode is incredibly short. Like nothing except for introduction.
- Also you have “to be continued” phrase two times at the end.
- Good job on changing other characters clothes.
- Now. If there are several love interests, at least give readers some kind of information about them. I personally, and I think a lot of other readers try to adjust character look to their personality. Add some short description. Like good guy/bad boy/maybe job… Basic traits.
- The second chapter was much better in length. Like I can forgive you the length of the 1st chapter. But I’m still not sure if I would continue on 2nd under normal circumstances, cause the 1st one’s too short.
- Choices matter.
- The scene in the kitchen. I’m not sure about the table-characters positions. IMO, the table is scaled too small, and also placed too low for the background you are using. I guess you might’ve noticed it urself, but you wanted to place all three characters in the same zone. I would place MC in the first near the table and Nana and Han in the second and scaled them, and table as well, bigger.
- The scene at the interview. Tessa is talking about Sunday being free, Hailey is still on looped talking animation.
- I think Tessa’s line about “rat” is without animation.
- The scene with the building. Girl walking in the background is walking kinda fast, and I think her layer is wrong also, you might wanna check it. Also, I’m not sure if you got a hold on “&” commands. Your narrator is saying something, then the background character is moving, then another line of narration. You can just put girl walking command as **&**CHARACTER walks to spot xx xx xxx in T.
- Now. Donnow if it was before, but you forget to put speechbubble commands or reset them after using. Noticed it on the Earl-Hailey scene.
- What I said in the previous comment about & commands. Also applied to the scene where Hailey falls. You want to put narration, but while I read she’s kinda walking without moving. So you can put her falling animation on “&” and the narrator will go on while she falls.
- That Nana scene. #dead
- “My ass is bleeding” is a really nice cliffhanger
So I didn’t notice many directing problems. Your directing is pretty great, except for a couple of easy to fix glitches, and that thing with & commands instead of @.
The main problem is with grammar and punctuation. Find proofreader. Like now. A lot of sentences that don’t start with the capital letter, lack of commas and points…
I would suggest to add one scene to the 1st episode. Now sure what kind of scene, but it is way short and u may lose some readers cause of that.
I liked MC personality. She’s an awkward type, but funny awkward, not just shy-awkward. And I like that she doesn’t always care to be awkward. Very likable in my opinion.
Now you might’ve noticed that I’ve reviewed more episodes than I usually do. Although this is partially cliche based story, MC personality totally makes up for it for me. Also, other characters are good enough. I loved Nana and Hannah, Brad (I think it was Brad, the first LI) is cute, and the second LI (I’m awful at names) is an arrogant dick, but not too much.
Yep. This is my new guilty pleasure story. Can’t honestly put my finger on why I liked it so much.
Now not to offend anyone, but I think your story deserves a better cover. If you’ll want a drawn cover, feel free to contact me. I do mostly commission art, but sometimes I do some stuff without commission if it is interesting for me, like in this case.
I love your criticism! Thank you so much.
I know the first chapter is short, but I don’t know how to make it longer - still thinking about that.
I will definitely go back and re-read it and change the things you mentioned- thanks again.
In the 6th episode you’ll get the change to CC again, but do you still suggest I write a little about them the first time?
Now for a stupid question- how do I find a proofreader?
I would love for a better cover. You are too kind! Should I DM you?
I’m glad you liked it, but I’m honestly more glad about your honest opinion! Then I really know how to improve.
Um. You could show some scene involving the band? Maybe girls watching them perform on TV, or that guy giving an interview? Random idea.
I would still. Because you kinda get used to the look, and I usually don’t change it for LI
There u go
Glad to hear that it was helpful Good luck with ur story.
You are so resourceful! Thanks!
I will send you a message.
Can you review my story? I just got approved for the Epys and I want to make sure my story is the best it can be!
Story : Mischief Night
Chapters: 7 Ongoing
This Story follows Brooklyn, a girl who hates Halloween but soon finds herself in a world with Real Monsters!
Sure. Whats Epys btw? Do u have some sort of deadline?
Yes! It’s the Epys Awards I have until July 20th to finish up my story! It’s actually my first time entering so I don’t know much about it but it’s a contest for Episode Authors to compete in
Ok. So I guess there’s no a big deadline
No just whenever you have the time! I would really appreciate your feedback
I actually didn’t know I could use the & in the middle of a scene - only thought I was possible in the beginning. But when I try this with the narrator, the characters are acting really weird. Like they are frozen or something like that and I don’t really understand it.
@Cortney - Chasing After Danger
- Not sure how I feel about ur “First 3 episodes are short”. If u think it’s a bad thing like they are too short, then why not make them longer?
- Update your customization template. It’s kinda outdated. No new face shapes, lips, noses, hair…
- Outfit names like “Outfit 1” ->
- After Grace walks out of her room, goes transition, and then her bedroom appears once more. Donnow exactly why, but check the script.
- First convo between Grace and her mom. You didn’t put animation before every dialogue line. It’s a must unless u use looped animations. Later I saw more spots where you did the same.
- You have a lot of narration. I don’t mind unless the characters on the screen are doing something, not just standing still, like in this case. U can put some looped animations for example.
- You need a proofreader as well. Grammar mistakes, lack of punctuation…
- MC’s friend, at the end of the shopping scene, is making on camera animation.
- The story actually looks like it’s supposed to be Wattpad thing. Narration all the way, all the details. I’m one of those, who think that this approach doesn’t really work for Episode stories. Narration stops all the action on screen, and it makes all directing slow, and not so smooth.
- I wouldn’t say that the first episode was short. Length is quite decent.
- I don’t get why you put that demon piece at the beginning of the 2nd chapter as well…
- Ummm… MC goes to change, then I see her laying in the floor near the bed, then sitting on the bed… Huh?
- While Grace talks, her friend is on looped talking animation. You have to turn them off before letting other characters speak.
- I see that you don’t know about the possibility to use & commands instead of @. Check the information below, that briefly explains it.
When you simply put spot commands like @CHARACTER spot xx xx xxx you put @.
If you want the character to perform animation before anything else happens you put it like @CHARACTER is animation
If you want the character to start performing animation, while something else coded in the next line continues you either do it like @CHARACTER starts animation or &CHARACTER is animation
Walking to spot
If you want your character to walk before anything else happens you do the regular @CHARACTER walks to spot xx xx xx in T
If you want the character to keep walking/moving, while something else coded in the next line continues you do it like &CHARACTER walks to spot xx xx xx in T
- In the 2nd episode speechbubble is still positioned the same as in the 1st chapter, so most of the time is kinda wrong.
- When teacher scolds girls for talking in class after you move back to them, Jenna appears only after MC does her animation. This probably happens because you did this:
While it should better be:
@GRACE stands screen right and GRACE is animation and JENNA stands screen left and JENNA is animation
You can out as many characters doing animation simultaneously as you want.
- When Taylor walks towards girls in the school hallway, you probably didn’t put the time in his walking to spot command.
- I finished the 2nd episode. You should really remove that thing at the beginning about episodes being short. First of all, because it turns off readers, and secondly because episodes aren’t short at all.
So directing is not bad for the first story. But still, it could be way better. I commented on your mistakes, and Forums contains a lot of threads that will help you solve all of them. I also suggest you take a look into my Help Thread. There you will find information on do and don’t things about directing, as well as a lot of information on story plot building, free backgrounds/overlays and useful links. But the least you can do is check 1st and 2nd parts of Tips and Tricks there, as both of them are about directing.
I don’t really like that kind of approach when you tell all the information on characters, instead of showing it. This is the easiest way, but certainly not the best.
I think you can rework your story, since you have only 3 episodes, and not so many reads.
It is positioned as a fantasy, and I was actually excited about the description because it seems to be interesting. But everything that is mostly going on is school, and the whole demon thing only briefly appears. Rethink your narrations, and overall take some time to build a plot on paper before writing. I would also work on dialogues. First two episodes are mostly school, so conversation topics aren’t most exciting. I’m also not sure about Grace personality. Seems kinda undeveloped, meaning that I find some of her decisions and words kinda contradicting.
One more thing is the title. It kinda gives Action story vibe. Maybe it’s worth to think about a more fantasy-ish type of title?
And when or if you will rework directing, find spelling proofreader.
Title - The Wedding Buddies
Author - Lilly R
Description - You’ve been in love with your wedding buddy Oliver all your life. What happens when you’re invited to HIS wedding?
-Cover is currently being commissioned.
Main concern- just looking for some harsh criticism!
@Stargazer54 - Cinderella’s Tale: Twisted Endings
- Defaq, where’s cover Oh, is it cuz discontinued?
- Punctuation. I mean the lack of it.
- When MC is with her father in the garden in the introduction scene, she’s still on the book reading animation. You do know that you can place characters in other zone and put &CHAR is animation command before panning to the right zone?
- I don’t mind this kind of narrator in the story, because it is sorta fairytale. But still, it doesn’t mean that you should do this narration in front of some unrelated background. Maybe find the background that shows the city? Or palace… I donnow. Something related to the plot/narration subject.
- Your story could use an intro, after that narration introduction.
- Um. After you presented the story, MC is once again in the library. U pan to the zone 2, apparently to show her father coming in. Well, I don’t seem him. I see him only when he comes closer, and like only half of him.
- Nooooow. He stands with his back to her. Also, when he walks closer to her, first of all, you should use rear walking animation, and second, u didn’t put the time in the walks to spot command.
- Now, when you talk about the father or MC in the introduction part. This is what I was writing about. You say, but don’t tell. It’s okay for a fairytale to tell about some events or specifics, but not giving full character characteristics list. Build your story to show, what characters are all about,
- Why is she laughing at the altar lol? If it is MC’s own future projection, maybe u could try some kind of dramatic filter? Like B&W?
- Um. You have a certain amount of sentences that are weirdly split for dialogue lines. Like:
1 dialogue line - You can’t me force
2 dialogue line - To mary him. It’s wrong.
- You need to find a proofreader. Lots of lots of mistakes.
- Using non-talking animation for dialogue lines. Duuuude.
- When MC walks in the city with her maid, the maid is kinda… floating for a couple of secs, before starts walking.
- Hehe, lazy ass. You put both of them on walking-talking animation. Nope. When one finished you put @CHARACTER1 starts walk-not-talk animation and make other one speaking.
- In the shop. MC stands screen left, then right before choices, she teleports to screen center.
- Hehe, I already can see that that step-mother will be a bitch.
- Seriously, what is it with these weirdly split sentences? Either u were high, or split them totally random.
- That scene in the theatre is really awkward. U put them on animation, then there is one long ass pause, then you put MC and Martha on similar animations and do it again. I donnow if you got figured the difference between is animation and starts animation and @ and & now, but if not, you have to. If you don’t use all of these commands, your directing will never be smooth.
- The ending wasn’t satisfying, to be honest. Like the whole episode. Not sure if it because of grammar problems, or directing, but it wasn’t exciting.
- I think you don’t put animation before every dialogue line as well.
- While Sancy and MC are talking, MC’s father is standing with the weird pose. Same as frozen face thing, I was mentioning in one of my posts on Tips&Tricks thread.
- Um… I choose to argue with Sandy, and she started to call my own father? And I got scared. I feel a lack of logic in her behavior. Like if her father would beat MC in his spare time, then yep. But with given characters…
- U know at this point I’m not sure in what kind of universe is in this story. I thought since it’s a fairytale, it would be kind if medieval times, but now it looks kinda modern… You mention in the description something about the palace, Queen… But it is seriously confusing.
- When Sandy leaves the room (in the fancy room with the fireplace scene), she is layered behind MC and other characters. That happens when you put some characters on spots, and moves other with the “exits screen” and “walks to screen left/right” commands.
- MC’s father also is… Just not-likable. Like he doesn’t really care for MC.
- MC dad hasn’t changed outfit for his wedding day.
- Ummmm. That thing with MC running in the field surrounded by mountains is out of blue. She is upset by what? And King (Prince?) being there is faaaaar-fetched.
- That dancing thing. Um. Just everything that is happening in this scene is out of blue and weird af. You made both characters to walk to a higher spot, to slow dance…
- Sandy’s reaction to MC meeting Prince is like… Huh? Even tho she’s a bitch, still… Everything is so random and far-fetched.
Welp, you told me to say all the bad things about it, so I didn’t hold myself with words. Sorry if I was harsh somewhere I guess.
I guess you tried to create modern CInderella story? I’m not sure. There’s this thing, I have no idea what’s ur plot idea.
So, first of all, I feel like you need to give some information on the universe you created. Like it is a fairytale, I suppose. And 0 information on how the things work here in this city in the whole first episode. I’m not even sure if you thought about this. But you have to. I would suggest checking some writing guides on the fantasy stories writing. You have to create your universe, and rules for that. I’m not sure actually if it contains some kind of fantasy details, but anyway.
Telling instead of showing approach is a huge turn-off, it makes readers less interested, and it doesn’t help to build that connection between MC and reader.
I feel a HUGE LACK of logic in MC thinking. Especially about her father. It’s like you didn’t really build her character, you just adjust her thoughts according to the needed effect or MC actions. What I noticed in 2nd episode is that MC is so damn inconsistent. One moment she yells, defending herself, second, she’s scared like a caged animal. I just don’t get her. If I don’t get her, I don’t like her.
Directing is some kind of between basic and advanced, but contains a lot of mistakes. You have to check stories with good advanced directing, to know what you actually can do on this platform, and then study guides and forum. I think you made half of the mistakes I mentioned in my thread about directing,
Grammar is kinda bad. And that sentence split thing was pissing me a real lot.
Yeah. As I said, I donnow what was your idea, but if u really have it, u gotta start from the scratch to revamp it. Start from the plot planning, then create characters, using questionnaires, that I mentioned in my thread, also create some rules about the universe, cause now it’s like… You just don’t what is happening.
I guess I mentioned a lot here, but if you have more questions or u want me to clarify something - feel free to do it.
Hope it was helpful.
Wow, I didn’t even notice the sentence split thing!
So, there are things I do know that I was horrible at: Directing and grammar.
Re-reading it now I (and before you gave me this review) I did think that what I did with the plot was really weird like- I don’t even know what I was thinking.
Hmm, I didn’t really notice that I had to do this, but now I really see this. And yeah, I didn’t even think of it!
What was I thinking…
I’m currently writing this, not making it… But now I see it. AND I STILL PORTRAY IT LIKE THIS. Like. What the heck…
yep… He went back from being oh; Nice- to a terrible father.
You weren’t harsh at all, that story was terrible, and I am going to completely revamp it. It was a really good review, it was super helpful, it really opened my eyes and it now allows me to actually SEE the story I’m making, not from a biased perspective.
This was like my first story on Episode, and I was a really terrible writer at this time…
There’s like this style that I’m thinking of it being in… Like, it’s medieval, but they dress between a mix of modern and medieval. like I’ve sometimes noticed in plays. When I first wrote this, (the story you read) that was unintentional because I could barely find any outfits to use…
Thanks so much for the review, there was stuff in there that I already knew, like that I did too much telling and not enough showing, but there was things in there that I didn’t know, but now I see.
When I do the revamped version, I’m gonna start it off when she meets Sandy, and have them be best friends… but then have her slowly turn into this evil bully as you see in the story, and I will explain her obsession of the prince too…
I don’t know if I should start if off like this, or start it off in current time in the story, showing Cinderella being a maid or something… Then slowly filling the reader in on the backstory.
yeah, I still donnow what ur plot is about But hope u know it at least. And yep, create plot track, and characters quiz ^^