Ok. So I guess there’s no a big deadline
No just whenever you have the time! I would really appreciate your feedback
I actually didn’t know I could use the & in the middle of a scene - only thought I was possible in the beginning. But when I try this with the narrator, the characters are acting really weird. Like they are frozen or something like that and I don’t really understand it.
@Cortney - Chasing After Danger
- Not sure how I feel about ur “First 3 episodes are short”. If u think it’s a bad thing like they are too short, then why not make them longer?
- Update your customization template. It’s kinda outdated. No new face shapes, lips, noses, hair…
- Outfit names like “Outfit 1” ->
- After Grace walks out of her room, goes transition, and then her bedroom appears once more. Donnow exactly why, but check the script.
- First convo between Grace and her mom. You didn’t put animation before every dialogue line. It’s a must unless u use looped animations. Later I saw more spots where you did the same.
- You have a lot of narration. I don’t mind unless the characters on the screen are doing something, not just standing still, like in this case. U can put some looped animations for example.
- You need a proofreader as well. Grammar mistakes, lack of punctuation…
- MC’s friend, at the end of the shopping scene, is making on camera animation.
- The story actually looks like it’s supposed to be Wattpad thing. Narration all the way, all the details. I’m one of those, who think that this approach doesn’t really work for Episode stories. Narration stops all the action on screen, and it makes all directing slow, and not so smooth.
- I wouldn’t say that the first episode was short. Length is quite decent.
- I don’t get why you put that demon piece at the beginning of the 2nd chapter as well…
- Ummm… MC goes to change, then I see her laying in the floor near the bed, then sitting on the bed… Huh?
- While Grace talks, her friend is on looped talking animation. You have to turn them off before letting other characters speak.
- I see that you don’t know about the possibility to use & commands instead of @. Check the information below, that briefly explains it.
When you simply put spot commands like @CHARACTER spot xx xx xxx you put @.
If you want the character to perform animation before anything else happens you put it like @CHARACTER is animation
If you want the character to start performing animation, while something else coded in the next line continues you either do it like @CHARACTER starts animation or &CHARACTER is animation
Walking to spot
If you want your character to walk before anything else happens you do the regular @CHARACTER walks to spot xx xx xx in T
If you want the character to keep walking/moving, while something else coded in the next line continues you do it like &CHARACTER walks to spot xx xx xx in T
- In the 2nd episode speechbubble is still positioned the same as in the 1st chapter, so most of the time is kinda wrong.
- When teacher scolds girls for talking in class after you move back to them, Jenna appears only after MC does her animation. This probably happens because you did this:
While it should better be:
@GRACE stands screen right and GRACE is animation and JENNA stands screen left and JENNA is animation
You can out as many characters doing animation simultaneously as you want.
- When Taylor walks towards girls in the school hallway, you probably didn’t put the time in his walking to spot command.
- I finished the 2nd episode. You should really remove that thing at the beginning about episodes being short. First of all, because it turns off readers, and secondly because episodes aren’t short at all.
So directing is not bad for the first story. But still, it could be way better. I commented on your mistakes, and Forums contains a lot of threads that will help you solve all of them. I also suggest you take a look into my Help Thread. There you will find information on do and don’t things about directing, as well as a lot of information on story plot building, free backgrounds/overlays and useful links. But the least you can do is check 1st and 2nd parts of Tips and Tricks there, as both of them are about directing.
I don’t really like that kind of approach when you tell all the information on characters, instead of showing it. This is the easiest way, but certainly not the best.
I think you can rework your story, since you have only 3 episodes, and not so many reads.
It is positioned as a fantasy, and I was actually excited about the description because it seems to be interesting. But everything that is mostly going on is school, and the whole demon thing only briefly appears. Rethink your narrations, and overall take some time to build a plot on paper before writing. I would also work on dialogues. First two episodes are mostly school, so conversation topics aren’t most exciting. I’m also not sure about Grace personality. Seems kinda undeveloped, meaning that I find some of her decisions and words kinda contradicting.
One more thing is the title. It kinda gives Action story vibe. Maybe it’s worth to think about a more fantasy-ish type of title?
And when or if you will rework directing, find spelling proofreader.
Title - The Wedding Buddies
Author - Lilly R
Description - You’ve been in love with your wedding buddy Oliver all your life. What happens when you’re invited to HIS wedding?
-Cover is currently being commissioned.
Main concern- just looking for some harsh criticism!
@Stargazer54 - Cinderella’s Tale: Twisted Endings
- Defaq, where’s cover Oh, is it cuz discontinued?
- Punctuation. I mean the lack of it.
- When MC is with her father in the garden in the introduction scene, she’s still on the book reading animation. You do know that you can place characters in other zone and put &CHAR is animation command before panning to the right zone?
- I don’t mind this kind of narrator in the story, because it is sorta fairytale. But still, it doesn’t mean that you should do this narration in front of some unrelated background. Maybe find the background that shows the city? Or palace… I donnow. Something related to the plot/narration subject.
- Your story could use an intro, after that narration introduction.
- Um. After you presented the story, MC is once again in the library. U pan to the zone 2, apparently to show her father coming in. Well, I don’t seem him. I see him only when he comes closer, and like only half of him.
- Nooooow. He stands with his back to her. Also, when he walks closer to her, first of all, you should use rear walking animation, and second, u didn’t put the time in the walks to spot command.
- Now, when you talk about the father or MC in the introduction part. This is what I was writing about. You say, but don’t tell. It’s okay for a fairytale to tell about some events or specifics, but not giving full character characteristics list. Build your story to show, what characters are all about,
- Why is she laughing at the altar lol? If it is MC’s own future projection, maybe u could try some kind of dramatic filter? Like B&W?
- Um. You have a certain amount of sentences that are weirdly split for dialogue lines. Like:
1 dialogue line - You can’t me force
2 dialogue line - To mary him. It’s wrong.
- You need to find a proofreader. Lots of lots of mistakes.
- Using non-talking animation for dialogue lines. Duuuude.
- When MC walks in the city with her maid, the maid is kinda… floating for a couple of secs, before starts walking.
- Hehe, lazy ass. You put both of them on walking-talking animation. Nope. When one finished you put @CHARACTER1 starts walk-not-talk animation and make other one speaking.
- In the shop. MC stands screen left, then right before choices, she teleports to screen center.
- Hehe, I already can see that that step-mother will be a bitch.
- Seriously, what is it with these weirdly split sentences? Either u were high, or split them totally random.
- That scene in the theatre is really awkward. U put them on animation, then there is one long ass pause, then you put MC and Martha on similar animations and do it again. I donnow if you got figured the difference between is animation and starts animation and @ and & now, but if not, you have to. If you don’t use all of these commands, your directing will never be smooth.
- The ending wasn’t satisfying, to be honest. Like the whole episode. Not sure if it because of grammar problems, or directing, but it wasn’t exciting.
- I think you don’t put animation before every dialogue line as well.
- While Sancy and MC are talking, MC’s father is standing with the weird pose. Same as frozen face thing, I was mentioning in one of my posts on Tips&Tricks thread.
- Um… I choose to argue with Sandy, and she started to call my own father? And I got scared. I feel a lack of logic in her behavior. Like if her father would beat MC in his spare time, then yep. But with given characters…
- U know at this point I’m not sure in what kind of universe is in this story. I thought since it’s a fairytale, it would be kind if medieval times, but now it looks kinda modern… You mention in the description something about the palace, Queen… But it is seriously confusing.
- When Sandy leaves the room (in the fancy room with the fireplace scene), she is layered behind MC and other characters. That happens when you put some characters on spots, and moves other with the “exits screen” and “walks to screen left/right” commands.
- MC’s father also is… Just not-likable. Like he doesn’t really care for MC.
- MC dad hasn’t changed outfit for his wedding day.
- Ummmm. That thing with MC running in the field surrounded by mountains is out of blue. She is upset by what? And King (Prince?) being there is faaaaar-fetched.
- That dancing thing. Um. Just everything that is happening in this scene is out of blue and weird af. You made both characters to walk to a higher spot, to slow dance…
- Sandy’s reaction to MC meeting Prince is like… Huh? Even tho she’s a bitch, still… Everything is so random and far-fetched.
Welp, you told me to say all the bad things about it, so I didn’t hold myself with words. Sorry if I was harsh somewhere I guess.
I guess you tried to create modern CInderella story? I’m not sure. There’s this thing, I have no idea what’s ur plot idea.
So, first of all, I feel like you need to give some information on the universe you created. Like it is a fairytale, I suppose. And 0 information on how the things work here in this city in the whole first episode. I’m not even sure if you thought about this. But you have to. I would suggest checking some writing guides on the fantasy stories writing. You have to create your universe, and rules for that. I’m not sure actually if it contains some kind of fantasy details, but anyway.
Telling instead of showing approach is a huge turn-off, it makes readers less interested, and it doesn’t help to build that connection between MC and reader.
I feel a HUGE LACK of logic in MC thinking. Especially about her father. It’s like you didn’t really build her character, you just adjust her thoughts according to the needed effect or MC actions. What I noticed in 2nd episode is that MC is so damn inconsistent. One moment she yells, defending herself, second, she’s scared like a caged animal. I just don’t get her. If I don’t get her, I don’t like her.
Directing is some kind of between basic and advanced, but contains a lot of mistakes. You have to check stories with good advanced directing, to know what you actually can do on this platform, and then study guides and forum. I think you made half of the mistakes I mentioned in my thread about directing,
Grammar is kinda bad. And that sentence split thing was pissing me a real lot.
Yeah. As I said, I donnow what was your idea, but if u really have it, u gotta start from the scratch to revamp it. Start from the plot planning, then create characters, using questionnaires, that I mentioned in my thread, also create some rules about the universe, cause now it’s like… You just don’t what is happening.
I guess I mentioned a lot here, but if you have more questions or u want me to clarify something - feel free to do it.
Hope it was helpful.
Wow, I didn’t even notice the sentence split thing!
So, there are things I do know that I was horrible at: Directing and grammar.
Re-reading it now I (and before you gave me this review) I did think that what I did with the plot was really weird like- I don’t even know what I was thinking.
Hmm, I didn’t really notice that I had to do this, but now I really see this. And yeah, I didn’t even think of it!
What was I thinking…
I’m currently writing this, not making it… But now I see it. AND I STILL PORTRAY IT LIKE THIS. Like. What the heck…
yep… He went back from being oh; Nice- to a terrible father.
You weren’t harsh at all, that story was terrible, and I am going to completely revamp it. It was a really good review, it was super helpful, it really opened my eyes and it now allows me to actually SEE the story I’m making, not from a biased perspective.
This was like my first story on Episode, and I was a really terrible writer at this time…
There’s like this style that I’m thinking of it being in… Like, it’s medieval, but they dress between a mix of modern and medieval. like I’ve sometimes noticed in plays. When I first wrote this, (the story you read) that was unintentional because I could barely find any outfits to use…
Thanks so much for the review, there was stuff in there that I already knew, like that I did too much telling and not enough showing, but there was things in there that I didn’t know, but now I see.
When I do the revamped version, I’m gonna start it off when she meets Sandy, and have them be best friends… but then have her slowly turn into this evil bully as you see in the story, and I will explain her obsession of the prince too…
I don’t know if I should start if off like this, or start it off in current time in the story, showing Cinderella being a maid or something… Then slowly filling the reader in on the backstory.
yeah, I still donnow what ur plot is about But hope u know it at least. And yep, create plot track, and characters quiz ^^
I’m gonna really work on those mistakes, and when I’m ready to publish the story, I’ll make sure the readers know what the plot is about. Because honestly, when I was writing this for the first time I was just randomly doing it… Which is a very bad writing strategy. Again, thanks so much for the review!
Yeah, I figured Cause after I watched u on forum, I was actually waiting a lot more from u on this story.
So hopefully u’ll turn this around. Feel free to submit it here as well
Title: Echo Creek
Author: Jade R.
Description: Being sent off to an odd town is a dream for you. But what happens when that dream quickly deteriorates into a nightmare? Lives are at stake here, specifically yours.
What is the main concern about your story?
Definitely, my main concern is the consistency of the plot. I don’t want my readers to be confused, or dumbfounded because I’ve jumped into something completely and totally random! And please, be tough on the story! Thanks!
Oh dear, I actually reviewed ur story in 5 inch story review thread, and I loved it ^^ but if u still want me to review it, then sure.
Oh! Thanks, haha! I guess a double review wouldn’t hurt anybody, lol. Sure, I’d love for you to review Echo Creek again. Maybe you missed some mistakes in my writing… or maybe you missed some clues/hints I’ve placed…
Sure. Here I review more accurately.
Thank you so much for doing this! You’re a legend!
Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Description: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Main concern about my story? Honestly, I just want to see how I can make it better. In my opinion it’s alright. The plot is relatively basic I am aware, and the directing isn’t horrible. But I was just wondering how could I make it better directing, plot, and interest wise?
Hey so this is my first story thoughts appreciated
Title : In love with my student
Author : Selma J.
Description : After her boyfriend Tragically dies, Teacher Vaiola enters a spiral of sadness and grief, Will falling for her high school student changes everything in her life ?
Small cover :
Main concern : I want your opinion to write better and make the story as great as possible
Best friends since the day they were born and when it comes to love, it’s always been everyone but each other. They couldn’t possibly be meant to be, could they?
What is the main concern about your story?
I’m new to writing so I would just like some feedback overall.
shh don’t expose me
@AMagic - Job Drama
- Oh. It’s not even published. How did you expect me to find it without the link… I had to search through forums to find it ^^
- Grammar is kinda off. Punctuation as well. And a lot of times when you don’t start names or sentences with the capital letter.
- Your directing is good, nice work with the overlays and I liked how you presented some characters (Amy and Ashley). Why you didn’t do the same with the MC?
- When Ashley’s introduction ends, she stands in the cafe with the wink. You could put @ASHLEY starts animation, like some more appropriate animation.
- Lazria’s speechbubble on “FML!” is off.
- Also, the girl in the blue shirt in the cafe is positioned way low. Check the guide below.
- When Laquita starts talking with the MC, MC is on some looped talking animation.
- Scene where MC is standing and the firetruck is behind her, guy near the stairs is way too small. And Laquita in the same scene is layered in front of the stairs, and also you didn’t use the time in your spot commands, and I think in all other spot commands before.
- Check all speechbubbles. It is the best if you have the tail on the speaker side, and the whole bubble facing the person you are talking to. Half of the time they are positioned wrong.
- When MC and her dad are drinking, you didn’t add props, like glasses or smthg.
- MC’s line to her dad “I lost my job…”, her dad is on looped speaking animation. You should always put some idle animation after the looped one before other character starts speaking. Check all of them, as I won’t comment on this mistake any further.
- Her dad’s rant about kool-aid, you didn’t put animation before his every line.
- I would put Dakota facing rear when she appears. There are like 2 phrases, you can put her rear before she walks to them.
- MC in her room, her bag is layered in front of her. I suspect you don’t put layer commands at all.
- Um. When MC falls from the bed, she is too small, like 5yo child…
- Okaaaaay. So great concept on the outfit choice, but I think these pics should be working on click. And they don’t… I clicked all over the screen and nothing happens. So yep.
Okaaay. Although directing is dynamic, and not that bad overall, you have a lot of mistakes. Check all speechbubbles! Check all looped animations! You have a lot of problems with spot commands, as you don’t put any timing, and I know that sometimes people do this thing when characters move faster than they would “realistically”, but still it is too fast even for this approach. Plus big problems with scaling and positioning itself, I don’t think you understand perspective at all, or how the character size should be compared to the background. Work on it and pay more attention.
If you can’t fix all your grammar mistakes, find a proofreader. But it shouldn’t be a problem to at least put points at the end of every sentence, or start it with the capital letter. It is not a lack of knowledge, but laziness tbh.
So due to the problem with clickable overlays, I can’t continue the story. I can’t even comment on the plot or characters since I read only like 3-4 scenes. Maybe it is not a problem, but you didn’t finish the episode. Then I don’t understand why you submitted it.
@oakleafapprentice - Kingdom Keepers
- I expected u to publish the story before I’ll get to it
- Okay. So chapter starts kinda fast. Maybe you could use your cover as a background for a short intro? It always lokos better than when u just start your chapter. If u decide to go with this one, DM me, I’ll resize your cover, maybe do some overlays.
- Nice work on the action scenes, when Narrator is speaking.
- I don’t really get why you put that cave overlay for a “3 years later” thing. Doesn’t make sence.
- When Jamal kneels, I think it would be better to layer him in front of the MC.
- I’m not sure about that thing, when you let the reader in other than MC (or main LI) thoughts. I think we are supposed to know as much, as the character in the story knows. If she doesn’t know what Artemis thinks, then we aren’t supposed either. But it’s subjective opinion, but maybe you will think about it. It would be more interesting just to see Artemis being angry with him, without knowing the reason why. Intrigue.
- The thing with the Limelight, is that female chars are taller than male, in case you use “stands screen center/left/right” command. If MC is really taller than every male guy in the story, that’s fine. But if not, you might wanna put spot commands.
- Scene with Echo and her second, I strongly advise you to use spot commands, as they just don’t fit comfortably in one zone. But then u have to use spot commands for this scene starting from the very beginning, which I think would be the best option.
- Check speechbubble commands. I think u started using them, and then stopped.
- Again this cave background. While narrator is telling what happened there, it would be muuuch better to show some exposition, like MC walking along the guests, or talking to them.
- When MC is showing room to Ronan it seems that she uses only talk_neutral animation. Mingle them, you have dozens of animations, why use one?
- Not really a cliffhander at the end of the 1st chapter. Whole chapter is okay, but not very intriguing, u know. Maybe u can add smthg to it, to spice it up.
- Don’t elves have some kind of magic powers? You don’t really tell about the difference between species, but I think it’s one important information.
- You might wanna make an overlay in MC bedroom. Of that part of the bed, that is supposed to be in front of her legs. If you can’t, I can help with it.
- Now that I think of it, it would be the best to finish the 1st chapter in the moment where Assassin says his words in Echo room.
- You know how to use spot commands, but u seem to be slack on this opportunity. Don’t. Scene where Artemis is patrolling, you could’ve made other guards around, standing on their positions and Artemis walking around for example.
- That thing u do when characters walk to each other, and then just stand while you zoom on them. It would look way better if you put &zoom on… command instead of @zoom on… commands. Then zoom will go on, while characters are already speaking. Or u can do an instant zoom (in 0).
- When MC with all of them are discussing plans, your zoom kinda cut the part of MC and Ronan as well. You can always do a close zoom on speaking character, while switching to zoom reset from time to time to show them all.
- When Echo and Ronan left the castle, Echo walks to screen right of the looped background, then Ronan walks to screen center, but while he does that, Echo for some reason stops moving her legs.
- It’s kinda weird that royal elves are travelling by feet. Seriously it seems like you didn’t think through the lore. Like what distinguishes elves and Tirans and others.
- When Jael hugs Ronan, she is layered behind him, although she’s supposed to be in front. That’s the thing with “stands screen center/l/r” commands. They don’t seem to support layer commands. Even if you used them.
- You see, the thing with the approach where you let the reader inside other characters thoughts, and a lot of activities, is that I don’t really feel like I play as Quinn. I feel like at this point I know more about Ronan and Artemis, than about the MC. That emotional connection is missing.
- Again, the 2nd chapter doesn’t end on satisfying note. No cliffhanger.
Okay. So… I can go with the basic directing if the story is full romance and has very entertaining dialogues. But not with the fantasy story. Fantasy is one of those genres IMO, that requires a lot of advanced directing. And you seem to avoid it. You clearly know how to use spot commands, and maybe layers as well, but you decide not to use them. I would really reconsider this. Yep, I know it is very time consuming and complicated to do this advanced directing, I’m struggling with it a lot. But I think it is a necessity in fantasy stories, especially since Episode is more of a show, than tell kind of thing. Same applied to your narration with that cave background. Build some short scenes for them, don’t be lazy
I loved dialogues, as they seem kinda well done, and I don’t think I spotted any grammar mistakes. Dialogues seem to be mature.
I have problems with the plot and overall concept. I don’t feel any emotional connection with the MC. She seem to be more of a secondary character at this point. I get it, you want to show what happens with other characters, or maybe you want to not one MC in your story but more. This can work, as I saw stories like these. But now it is unclear.
Cliffhanger at the end of chapters. I suggested on the 1st chapter, but you need to work on other.
And definitely work on the lore. Maybe you know what are the difference between species, but you don’t include this information, and it’s kinda important.
Hope it was helpful And correct me if I’m wrong somewhere.