Cookie's Uncensored Reviews 🔒

Sure. Here I review more accurately. :slight_smile:

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Thank you so much for doing this! You’re a legend! :grin::sparkling_heart:

Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Description: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Main concern about my story? Honestly, I just want to see how I can make it better. In my opinion it’s alright. The plot is relatively basic I am aware, and the directing isn’t horrible. But I was just wondering how could I make it better directing, plot, and interest wise?

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6250660385652736
Shortened Link: https://bit.ly/2FHhOMS

2 Likes

Hey so this is my first story thoughts appreciated :slightly_smiling_face:
Title : In love with my student
Author : Selma J.
Description : After her boyfriend Tragically dies, Teacher Vaiola enters a spiral of sadness and grief, Will falling for her high school student changes everything in her life ?
Small cover :In_love_with_my_student_posterThumb_RFosFAWwCp
Main concern : I want your opinion to write better and make the story as great as possible

Title
One Day

Author
Ellie

Description
Best friends since the day they were born and when it comes to love, it’s always been everyone but each other. They couldn’t possibly be meant to be, could they?

Small cover

What is the main concern about your story?
I’m new to writing so I would just like some feedback overall.

Thank you! :slight_smile:

shh don’t expose me

1 Like

@AMagic - Job Drama


1st Episode

  • Oh. It’s not even published. How did you expect me to find it without the link… I had to search through forums to find it ^^
  • Grammar is kinda off. Punctuation as well. And a lot of times when you don’t start names or sentences with the capital letter.
  • Your directing is good, nice work with the overlays and I liked how you presented some characters (Amy and Ashley). Why you didn’t do the same with the MC?
  • When Ashley’s introduction ends, she stands in the cafe with the wink. You could put @ASHLEY starts animation, like some more appropriate animation.
  • Lazria’s speechbubble on “FML!” is off.
  • Also, the girl in the blue shirt in the cafe is positioned way low. Check the guide below.
Guide

image

  • When Laquita starts talking with the MC, MC is on some looped talking animation.
  • Scene where MC is standing and the firetruck is behind her, guy near the stairs is way too small. And Laquita in the same scene is layered in front of the stairs, and also you didn’t use the time in your spot commands, and I think in all other spot commands before.
  • Check all speechbubbles. It is the best if you have the tail on the speaker side, and the whole bubble facing the person you are talking to. Half of the time they are positioned wrong.
  • When MC and her dad are drinking, you didn’t add props, like glasses or smthg.
  • MC’s line to her dad “I lost my job…”, her dad is on looped speaking animation. You should always put some idle animation after the looped one before other character starts speaking. Check all of them, as I won’t comment on this mistake any further.
  • Her dad’s rant about kool-aid, you didn’t put animation before his every line.
  • I would put Dakota facing rear when she appears. There are like 2 phrases, you can put her rear before she walks to them.
  • MC in her room, her bag is layered in front of her. I suspect you don’t put layer commands at all.
  • Um. When MC falls from the bed, she is too small, like 5yo child…
  • Okaaaaay. So great concept on the outfit choice, but I think these pics should be working on click. And they don’t… I clicked all over the screen and nothing happens. So yep.

Overall.
Okaaay. Although directing is dynamic, and not that bad overall, you have a lot of mistakes. Check all speechbubbles! Check all looped animations! You have a lot of problems with spot commands, as you don’t put any timing, and I know that sometimes people do this thing when characters move faster than they would “realistically”, but still it is too fast even for this approach. Plus big problems with scaling and positioning itself, I don’t think you understand perspective at all, or how the character size should be compared to the background. Work on it and pay more attention.
If you can’t fix all your grammar mistakes, find a proofreader. But it shouldn’t be a problem to at least put points at the end of every sentence, or start it with the capital letter. It is not a lack of knowledge, but laziness tbh.
So due to the problem with clickable overlays, I can’t continue the story. I can’t even comment on the plot or characters since I read only like 3-4 scenes. Maybe it is not a problem, but you didn’t finish the episode. Then I don’t understand why you submitted it.

1 Like

@oakleafapprentice - Kingdom Keepers


1st Episode

  • I expected u to publish the story before I’ll get to it :smiley:
  • Okay. So chapter starts kinda fast. Maybe you could use your cover as a background for a short intro? It always lokos better than when u just start your chapter. If u decide to go with this one, DM me, I’ll resize your cover, maybe do some overlays.
  • Nice work on the action scenes, when Narrator is speaking.
  • I don’t really get why you put that cave overlay for a “3 years later” thing. Doesn’t make sence.
  • When Jamal kneels, I think it would be better to layer him in front of the MC.
  • I’m not sure about that thing, when you let the reader in other than MC (or main LI) thoughts. I think we are supposed to know as much, as the character in the story knows. If she doesn’t know what Artemis thinks, then we aren’t supposed either. But it’s subjective opinion, but maybe you will think about it. It would be more interesting just to see Artemis being angry with him, without knowing the reason why. Intrigue.
  • The thing with the Limelight, is that female chars are taller than male, in case you use “stands screen center/left/right” command. If MC is really taller than every male guy in the story, that’s fine. But if not, you might wanna put spot commands.
  • Scene with Echo and her second, I strongly advise you to use spot commands, as they just don’t fit comfortably in one zone. But then u have to use spot commands for this scene starting from the very beginning, which I think would be the best option.
  • Check speechbubble commands. I think u started using them, and then stopped.
  • Again this cave background. While narrator is telling what happened there, it would be muuuch better to show some exposition, like MC walking along the guests, or talking to them.
  • When MC is showing room to Ronan it seems that she uses only talk_neutral animation. Mingle them, you have dozens of animations, why use one?
  • Not really a cliffhander at the end of the 1st chapter. Whole chapter is okay, but not very intriguing, u know. Maybe u can add smthg to it, to spice it up.

2nd Chapter

  • Don’t elves have some kind of magic powers? You don’t really tell about the difference between species, but I think it’s one important information.
  • You might wanna make an overlay in MC bedroom. Of that part of the bed, that is supposed to be in front of her legs. If you can’t, I can help with it.
  • Now that I think of it, it would be the best to finish the 1st chapter in the moment where Assassin says his words in Echo room.
  • You know how to use spot commands, but u seem to be slack on this opportunity. Don’t. Scene where Artemis is patrolling, you could’ve made other guards around, standing on their positions and Artemis walking around for example.
  • That thing u do when characters walk to each other, and then just stand while you zoom on them. It would look way better if you put &zoom on… command instead of @zoom on… commands. Then zoom will go on, while characters are already speaking. Or u can do an instant zoom (in 0).
  • When MC with all of them are discussing plans, your zoom kinda cut the part of MC and Ronan as well. You can always do a close zoom on speaking character, while switching to zoom reset from time to time to show them all.
  • When Echo and Ronan left the castle, Echo walks to screen right of the looped background, then Ronan walks to screen center, but while he does that, Echo for some reason stops moving her legs.
  • It’s kinda weird that royal elves are travelling by feet. Seriously it seems like you didn’t think through the lore. Like what distinguishes elves and Tirans and others.
  • When Jael hugs Ronan, she is layered behind him, although she’s supposed to be in front. That’s the thing with “stands screen center/l/r” commands. They don’t seem to support layer commands. Even if you used them.
  • You see, the thing with the approach where you let the reader inside other characters thoughts, and a lot of activities, is that I don’t really feel like I play as Quinn. I feel like at this point I know more about Ronan and Artemis, than about the MC. That emotional connection is missing.
  • Again, the 2nd chapter doesn’t end on satisfying note. No cliffhanger.

Overall.
Okay. So… I can go with the basic directing if the story is full romance and has very entertaining dialogues. But not with the fantasy story. Fantasy is one of those genres IMO, that requires a lot of advanced directing. And you seem to avoid it. You clearly know how to use spot commands, and maybe layers as well, but you decide not to use them. I would really reconsider this. Yep, I know it is very time consuming and complicated to do this advanced directing, I’m struggling with it a lot. But I think it is a necessity in fantasy stories, especially since Episode is more of a show, than tell kind of thing. Same applied to your narration with that cave background. Build some short scenes for them, don’t be lazy :wink:
I loved dialogues, as they seem kinda well done, and I don’t think I spotted any grammar mistakes. Dialogues seem to be mature.
I have problems with the plot and overall concept. I don’t feel any emotional connection with the MC. She seem to be more of a secondary character at this point. I get it, you want to show what happens with other characters, or maybe you want to not one MC in your story but more. This can work, as I saw stories like these. But now it is unclear.
Cliffhanger at the end of chapters. I suggested on the 1st chapter, but you need to work on other.
And definitely work on the lore. Maybe you know what are the difference between species, but you don’t include this information, and it’s kinda important.

Hope it was helpful :slight_smile: And correct me if I’m wrong somewhere.

Here is some positivity.
Im sending you rays of sunshine and good vibes.

Feeling better?

Please stop off-toping.
:relaxed::relaxed: :sunny::sunny:

4 Likes

This topic is temporarily closed for at least 4 hours due to a large number of community flags.

Due to the high number of flags, this topic was closed. Upon review, I noticed quite a few violations of the Forum General Rules, including:

In addition, attempting to put a post back on-topic by editing another sentence on to it is still counted as off-topic and will be flagged and hidden.

Please keep these rules in mind when posting, as failure to follow them will result in silencing or suspension, and the closing of the topic. Thanks :slight_smile:

3 Likes

This topic was automatically opened after 20 hours.

Hey I’d love it if you could review my story.

Title Love’s a Game
Author B.Carlton
Description After a devastating break up you enter America’s biggest dating show. How will you survive your new on screen life & fame. (LGBT options and choices really matter )

Cover

Concerns story is written in spotlight. I want to know if you think the writing is good enough to keep it in this format or whether I should try another style?

Thank you for this thread!

2 Likes

Sorry everyone! Was suspended, like I couldn’t even log in. Will start reviews tomorrow ^^

8 Likes

OK. So I saw the new Episode official story and thought it would be fun to review it before I review the next story in my list, since I always check Episode stories anyway. Maybe you will find it interesting.
image

Honestly, I don’t expect to like the story, as Episode lately kinda… Well, u know what I mean. But I’ll give it a chance because sometimes they create decent content. To those who might think, that it’s kinda low to bash story mentioning author names, especially since the author didn’t request the review I’ll say - guys, if you release the story in public, just be ready that you might receive critique, just as much as u can receive praise.

So Here we go with Bad Girl Boss by LadyDianna. I will post screenshots as well, to make it more graphic for u folks.
Note: I don’t have any particular opinion about this author. I know that she wrote Deep Attraction (as I’ve been told), and I tried to read it, but never got past 1st episode, for the reason I don’t remember now. So I don’t have intention to bash the story without having a reason to.


1st Episode

  • Description. Oh my. My favorite mafia stories. But hey, let’s not be judgmental. Maybe they don’t praise and romanticize criminals ^^ #optimism #ineedadrink
  • OK. We got to customize our character. What’s so hard about putting all the OPTIONS U RELEASED EPISODE? Like seriously. Customization template seems to be dated with 2017 or smthg. I’ll just keep it original.
  • I. Want. This. Hairstyle. Now.
    image
  • Lack of punctuation is noticed, but I guess it’s just a typo. Still, no excuse for Episode official stories.
  • Also. Young MC is named as “Young You”. And yeah, I’m so gonna pay attention to details.
  • “I’m a criminal like the rest of my family, and I’m proud of that.” ^^ How cute. Love dedicated and passionate characters. #ineedanotherdrink
  • Another punctuation typo… It’s been 3 minutes into the episode.
  • And also an astrophysicist, hacker, certified baker, polyglot, world champion in bowling, Guardian of the Galaxy, president of Yugoslavia, the Emperor of Mankind, The Last Airbender, tyrannosaurus, Mother of Dragons, the inventor of a spoon, inquisitor, mammoth hunter, all Pokemon catcher, Paladin…
    image
  • Use of non-talking animations for dialogue lines, checked. :white_check_mark:
  • The Love Interest every girl Loves in school and MC who’s not like every other girl. Cause she’s MC. :white_check_mark:
  • On the bright side, LI is not a bad boy. He is kinda cool? Pleasantly surprised, really.
  • Well, that was kinda short.

2nd Episode

  • 4 students in the class. It would take like 2 hours maximally for 1 person to create overlays and add background characters to this scene. Not critical, but kinda… For this specific background, it looks odd. There is another with a single table near the window, where it would look tots normal.
    image
  • Sometimes directing is good, sometimes it is sooo dang lazy like it’s author’s first story, and I know it is not. Lazy meaning no background characters, that is noticeable, cause the scene looks very empty, and picked animations…
  • Scars! I so want them for regular authors.
    image
  • Length seems to get better in this chapter.

3rd Episode

  • I think we have a new animation here. Something like stroking rear.
    image
  • So there are some romantic choices, that doesn’t require gems, but most of them are. Like kissing a love interest for the first time.
  • I liked the plotline with MC being in a casual non-serious relationship. I don’t see that a lot. And although MC tends to have some thoughts about LI, that I would describe as dead-cliche, her personality seems to be more developed than Episode usually goes with. But again, it’s initially a user story.

4th Episode

  • Yummy dresses, that look great but probably won’t be ever released for regular authors.

  • So MC leaves a party, saying she wants to be alone, and in a few hours, as says Narrator, ends up sitting on LI car somewhere in the downtown… Why is it so random?
  • MC faints. Dunno a reason behind it, like she hasn’t been drinking at the party, so it seems to be kinda random at the moment like the author just wanted MC to end up in LI apartment. Along with the previous line, this whole night looks far-fetched and poorly developed.
  • 4 episodes into the story and no character except for MC changed clothes. I know, some of you might think it’s not a big deal, but it means something for me. It takes time, to keep changing clothes, even for bg characters, but for me, it kinda shows author’s professionalism, if u know what I mean.

5th Episode

  • So gang has some sort of dress code. Except for one female gang member, who wears one of the default Episode outfits…
  • The fight scene between gangs seems kinda poorly done (for me at least).
  • There is one more fighting scene, that involves more than 6 characters. And spot commands are really off. Characters standing nearby are of different scale, like 6 graders and adults.
    And done.

Overall.
So this whole mafia plot line. It’s not like I have everything against it as a plot line. There are specific reasons why I hate it most of the time when done in Episode stories. And that is because - not realistic.
I read all 5 episodes, and nowhere it is mentioned what exactly MC gang does. They talk briefly about warehouse, containers. Might be drugs? Or weapons? How does this make the MC good? I dunno. The subject is covered very superficially (at least for these 5 episodes, and it might be explained and developed in later episodes). As it is, for now, it seems to be romanticizing illegal stuff, and I have zero tolerance for this shit.
Directing is okay. And I think “okay” for an episode released story is not acceptable. I see regular authors doing waaaay better job with the directing. Some typos, with the punctuation, but not critical. Default outfits of other than MC characters with the same outfit for all 5 episodes is a kinda lazy approach.

The overall impression is that the story is really average. Really, really average. It’s not bad. I mean dialogues are fine and seem smooth enough. Directing is “eh, it’s okay” kind of. MC and LI aren’t really cliche. I wasn’t hating it while reading, which happens very often with me.
So why I won’t continue it?
Mafia stuff seems to be put to make MC edgy, and add some suspense for the future episodes. But still. My friend, who read this story before, said the gang has weapon business. Maybe. It doesn’t make it better. MC will get her happy ending probably, and gang stuff will be put behind subtly.
Ok, maybe I’m wrong, so let’s put it aside.
Because I’ve seen it all. The plot overall is anything but original. I can read the story, and it won’t be horrible, but… It’s like eating 4 days old bread in a pastry store when I’m surrounded by yummy cupcakes ^^ And I kinda noticed that most of the good comments about the story were made about clothes or features…
Some events are put into story just for the sake of romance development. They don’t make any sense at all, like MC fainting.
The story can be summarized as “very average” and not worth the attention. Maybe it will get better. But c’mon, I’ve read all 5 episodes. I don’t give this big of a chance to surprise me with story at all, and it was in vein…

11 Likes

@jessy.writes - Sentimental Heartache


1st Episode

  • Thank you for the lack of author’s note :smiley:

  • In the first scene, I think the girl who walk to the lockers, like when the first monologue line is, should be going using the walk_rear animation. And all the background characters are dressed in default Episode outifts.

  • Only suggestion, but maybe when MC falls, and two girls are laughing in the background, you could use different laugh animations?

  • When MC says “you’re seriously pissing me off right now”; she has no talking animation at all.

  • I feel like you don’t know about CHARACTER starts animation command, since your directing isn’t as smooth, as it could’ve been.

  • When MC leaves, she kinda slides out, because u put kiss-blow animation. Just make it before walking command.

  • Scene with the lockers. I would put MC higher. Now it looks like he’s standing closer to the lockers, than MC, so I can’t help but feel like she’s supposed to be standing rear with these spot commands.

  • Speechbubble is off in this scene. I think u made a command, once, but then stopped and didn’t put it on reset either.

  • Um. I don’t think he told MC his name. How does she know it?

  • To be really honest. The whole conversation is… Weird, unrealistic… MC’c drooling is very cliche. They are kinda rude to each other in the first scene, here they are flirting and he’s basically mildly stalks her… Non-consistent dynamics of their encounters.

  • Ok. You didn’t change bg characters outfits from default. But doing it for secondary character? I mean Jazz.

  • I honestly don’t like when Narration is very long, and while that, characters just stand. It works in books, but not in Episode. Her thoughts could be moved to some later scene, maybe while she’s packing or smthg. This way u would put some action behind this long narration.

  • And btw “They are like my family” and they want her out like today? With a less than a day notice?

  • I make a prediction, that MC will end up living in LI house. Let’s see.

  • I think there was only one choice. Not much.

  • At the end of bonus scene (which was some kind of future projection I suppose). You put some end-credit-music. But you put it as music command, not sound, and as the sound is kinda short (like 3 seconds), it repeats over and over. Change it to sound.


2nd Episode

  • Oh God, she does. Coincidence that she bumped into him, then she makes him take her to his house… They were talking twice. No information on her family, or like… Doesn’t she have other friends? I’m sorry to say, but I think the whole concept of this situation is very very lazy. Not much thought is behind it.
  • Lucas is walking into her room backward. I suppose the command was smthg like @LUCAS enters from left to screen center and LUCAS faces left while it should be @LUCAS enters from left to screen center THEN LUCAS faces left
  • OK. So Lucas asks her how does MC know his name. Why he didn’t ask it before when she was calling him Lukie?
  • Does anyone in this story with high-schoolers have parents? Seems like not.
  • Directing is really lazy in this episode. Half of the episode they just stand in one room and talk.

Overall.
Ok, so directing. U know how to do average advanced directing. You could’ve done way better if you would spend more time on it. That’s what I think at least.
Their conversations are really unrealistic. Their mood can change like 3 times in one conversation. Plus to that, most of the time they just chit-chat. Like talking non-important things. Dialogues don’t show the essence of characters, just snarky comments mostly.
The plot is very cliche, and in my opinion not developed at all. I got an impression that you just wanted a theme of MC and LI to fall in love, while living together, so the rest of the details were picked kinda sloppy, to get characters in this situation.
Anyway, the review seems to be negative, but I didn’t have any intention to upset you or belittle your work. My judgment is obviously subjective, so remember it. But again, judging based on my standards, I’m not sure what you can do with this story to make it interesting for me. I say for me because other people can like it because they are different.
Before writing I suggest to go through with the proper plot development, and character development using real writing guides and questionnaires, and I feel like it wasn’t really done here.

Hope it was somehow helpful.

1 Like

Thank you so much for this. Negative criticism is nice because it was needed. I agree, I’m not very good at directing but I’m gonna work on all of these things you pointed out to me :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like

I’m glad you take it the good way, and good luck with your writing :slight_smile:

1 Like

Thank you :heart:

1 Like

I would love a review for my newest story!

Title: MC: Mr. Stole My Heart
Author: Sky
Description: 1 drunk night, 3 years later…he starts chasing after her! Skyla is still looking for the guy from that one night and after some shocking news, he is looking for her too! Why?
Small cover: MC%20cover%20
What is the main concern about your story? The author’s notes and the fact that I am a new author…

1 Like