Please stop this off-topic thing in my thread, and go DM
@PrettyEri - Kotton Kandie.
First of all, I didn’t start reading the story, but I’m a bit weirded by title. Isn’t it supposed to be Cotton? Well, only if it’s not her surname, which on the other hand is kinda cool.
- I would suggest changing music after her memory because her rant afterward is a bit funny. 30 with no kids and anger issues. So relatable lol.
- Check spot commands in the scene of shrink reception, cause Kandie looks small comparing to dude behind her. Perspective.
- Kudos for her not having kids. I see a lot of women who, while being in an abusive relationship get kids, hoping to fix the marriage.
- The scene in her room with the computer. I think she should be a bit bigger.
- Convo with her mom on the phone. Her mom is speaking, but Kandie is out on looped animation. Just add @CHARACTER starts listening animation before her mom’s lines.
- Music and sound volume commands are kinda underappreciated. You might want to check them for smoother sound/music transitions. Just a suggestion.
- I suspect you’re not using time in walking to spot commands. If you do - check them too, cause sometimes characters walk too fast.
- When Remi walks into scene, I think you should layer her behind Kandie, it looks a bit odd as it is now.
- Avoid using non-talking animations for dialogue lines. Like when Evie is saying her line with eyeroll animation. You can put it before her line, and then for the line use some speaking animation.
- Yikes. That escalated quickly with physical violence lol. It’s was a bit odd that Kandie punched her… Too dramatic? Slap would do IMO.
- How does the new principal know her name?
- So she is Jones. Why Kotton then?
- Check for character faces after animations. Sometimes they are stuck with a weird face, like after the callout animation. You can always put idle_shiftweight animation after their lines.
- chocolate bar, lol.
- Again lots of non-talking animation for dialogue lines.
- Check speech bubble positions. WHen Kandie is kissing the floor, her speech bubble is way too high.
- Cicely is savage.
- Check layer in the morning scene of the 2nd episode. Cicely is sorta behind Kandie.
- In the cupcake shop, cashier disappears really fast. Check spot command’s timing.
- Oh, she doesn’t walk fast. She just appears from thin air.
- Why Kandie and Jer are wearing wedding gowns in the flashback scene?
- Again on the beach. You have this tendency to get characters just appear, without walking into the scene. Look into it,
- I don’t think I liked Onyx. I got an impression that he’s the self-centered dork who only work-out. Their whole interaction was kinda odd. Kandie drooling too hard for my taste.
The story is good overall. I liked that MC is not a teenager for once, but grown woman. I also liked that Kandie, despite her problematic marriage, isn’t aggressive towards men. Like ok, Jer was a jerk, but I’m not too consumed with it. You should go through directing, as I mentioned some things that could be fixed. I feel like there could be more action in the story. Just a little bit. Maybe work a bit more on dialogues.
Thank you! I will look into those issues.
Hey! Do you mind if I do as some other on this thread, and send you an unfinished story?
Sure. Send the link in DM
@RainbowCat - Dreams and Nightmares
- I find the introduction to the character a bit weird, She changed 7 foster houses. Like why do these families take her into a family, when they don’t care about her? What’s the motivation? And 7 in a row? I guess you do it for the sake of character developing… But for me, it lacks logic, at least for foster families. To get a foster kid into your family is like a hell of a work. Maybe I’m just thinking too much into it.
- Is he raping her? He told her to get out of the clothes. Um… I’m really not into it. I mean, yeah, rapes do happen. But putting systematic rape in a story, that is read mostly by teenagers. It is really heavy.
- Really. These conversations. They actually make me nauseous. This is really too much.
- Omg…I really can’t. This is really heavy for me to read at this point. I will finish the episode, but in normal circumstances, I wouldn’t. Physical disgust. I’m sorry if I upset you now, but… I have watched one movie with a similar subject. The girl was physically abused by a whole family, including rape. It was really hard to watch, and I cried like a damn baby. The movie lasted for around 90 minutes, and sometimes it is healthy to get something like this inside your head. I think it kinda adds to your empathy. But I wouldn’t watch the whole series with this subject.
- Check dialogues, cause there are some places where you left sentences without punctuation.
- There were some spots where you didn’t put animation for every dialogue line.
- Please don’t tell me that Jason is her love interest.
- He is I guess…
- Avoid using non-talking animations of dialogue lines. Like “admire” animation for example.
- “Why do you look so shocked? It’s your life” That is just the perfect summary of her life really…
Okay… I have a lot of problems with this plot. The first episode is supposed to make me want to read more. I don’t. Not only because of the heavy subject and very insensitive delivery but because there is not a glimpse of hope for her. Really. I like to say that when we read stories - we want to either see MC similar to us, or someone we would like to be like. I certainly wouldn’t want to be like that girl. And I think that if rape survivors would read it - it would upset them. It’s not that her decisions make her life miserable, which would make sense. But she’s miserable just for the sake of the plot. 7 foster families that abused her? I just don’t buy it. And the second thing. Jason is obv the love interest. I say a big fat NO to the Stockholm syndrome in Episode stories. Meaning, that Jason guy is probably in the gang. He is bad. He knows about people trafficking, and he obv doesn’t care. I predict he will change in the course of the story, but this is very unrealistic. He is the bad guy. One little girl would never change it. I’m sorry if this upset you, I just wanted to be honest. And I really can’t advise you hat to do with it. I noticed that you have 1.8k reads, so obv some people dig it. I just think it wouldn’t be mass read because most people want to see strong characters, and maybe your MC is deep down, but her life is so miserable all over… I’m sorry, I can’t either continue to read it, due to reasons stated above. If I was wrong somewhere, please correct me, specially about that Jason guy. But I see him on the cover, and also judging from his thoughts, I’m pretty sure you want him to be a love interest, which is the main thing that turns me off.
Thanks for your thoughts. I wouldn’t have been mad if you stopped reading when you noticed it’s a difficult topic, really. I know my story can have that effect and I’m sorry you didn’t like it.
That’s exactly what I wanted people to think and it get explained in later episodes (something (/someone)went wrong in the system)
It’s not exactly written what happens, so I let the reader decide how far it goes.
Doesn’t have to be, there are a lot of choices which will make you choose to like him or not.
He won’t change, he’ll be himself. I’m trying to give the story the meaning of “look behind the curtains” I hope you get what I mean.
That’s exactly why I’m writing this story, because I got bored of the strong characters that I can’t identify with.
Well, thanks for reading and sorry that you didn’t enjoy it
I’m sorry if that upset you. I know you had good intentions while writing it. And my opinion is really subjective, and it varies from reader to reader. I’m just not the target audience. Well, either way I hope I gave you something useful here in my review anyway Best of luck.
I’d appreciate some candid feedback.
Title: By Heart
Description: Tara doesn’t know her life is a lie, or that most of her real memories are missing, but with the help of some crashed humans, she is able to unravel her past, recover her memories, and discover the true meaning of love and family.
What is the main concern about your story?: I know I need to go back to adjust the size of the Molly character. She is 5 but her height varies far too much especially over the early episodes. My real concerns are that the time shifting used for character development may make the story confusing. There isn’t a lot of customization in the story, and I don’t use sound (because I don’t find those adding much to my enjoyment of other people’s stories) but I worry that leaving them out limits potential interest from readers. Also, my main character doesn’t speak English early on, and I worry that the spotlight intros giving her thoughts are a little cheesy and distract from the story. Lastly, I worry that the sneaky bad guy subplot gets lost.
Title Search for love
Description Your life turns upside down when you try to escape from a toxic situation.Can you find the love you’re looking for trying to escape?
What is the main concern about your story?
Title: Music in our hearts
You’re a straight A student with a passion for art but don’t have any talent. When a mysterious voice leads you to 3 Muses of the Mythology, magic offers you a new perspective.
What is the main concern about your story?
Do you find it interesting even if there’s no romance?
If you’re still doing some reviews
Story Title: XENA PIERCE
An HEIRESS, a DAUGHTER, a GIRL who seeks answers–guide XENA KATSUMI PIERCE as she fights in order to save her mother. Will she make it through? Her SURVIVAL depends on YOU. (CM)
Thank you so much
Amberose is a very inspirational person and the Queen of the Forums
Bookmarked this thread so I can read these reviews because it’s fun to read detailed reviews and makes for a great workout in reading skills
Why thank you kind fella
@EVL.Daisy - Not Ordinary
- Right from the start. I’m one of those people who don’t like author’s introductions, especially in the story beginning. Don’t be sorry for making your story they way you did. Better make it the best you can, even if taken a much longer time, but don’t be sorry. And yeah, why I don’t like author notes, or author’s introductions, especially in the beginning. They distract me from the story. Like I haven’t even started reading it, but the author is already waffling something you know.
- Put animations before every dialogue line! It is a must (well, except if you use loop animations).
- OK. So you’ve a got a hold on readerMessage code, so you’re more than capable to figure everything out.
- Her monologue contains too much “princess”. Maybe work on her monologue, it’s a bit flat and blurry.
- Classical bump-into-the-guy situation.
- Really, your directing is not bad, you know how to use exits/enters. It is basic, yes, but I think it’s better to go with solid basic directing, then with a glitchy advanced.
- When Gabe “thinks” his whole speech about the MC. I think you should put this monologue into NARRATOR, because I think you should use thinking option, when a character is really thinking. But this is a rather descriptive part, so better put it as NARRATOR (GABE) with the following text.
- Tudum… So you sorta figured spot commands. But when Gabe and MC walk into class, they kinda “slide” in, you know, without really walking. I’m not sure why this happened, the code would help, but definitely check it, plus spot commands timing.
- Check speechbubble placing, cause when characters speak, often speechbubbles are facing the wrong direction.
- Think about adding background characters, like in the school hall, or classroom.
- That storming out thing was unexpected.
- “Later that evening” scene, characters appear too late. That happened because you start from zone1, then you pan it to the zone 2, and only then you place spot command for girls. You can place them in the 2nd zone as well, only the spot will be something like 0.795 570 150. Check it. If you wanna know how to place them precisely - go into Previewer, put a pause in the first zone, zoom out so you can see that couch, and then place them. Spot command will be different from the one, if you’d check the spot command of the 2nd zone.
- Okay. So you actually know how to use speechbubble commands. If you started once, you either continue putting speechbubble spot everywhere, or you reset it.
- I’d advise you to put some zoom there. If the conversation is longer than a few phrases, zoom on speaking character will make the scene more alive and dynamic.
- Be careful when putting loop animations. If you don’t put some non-talking animation after them, character will stay with his/her mouth bubbling, while other characters are speaking.
- So you put a flashback. I’d advise you to put some kind of transition or filter, or even better, both, to distinguish real time events and memory. Some might get confused.
- When Daisy (in her memory) is running off the screen, you obv put the exit command. Considering the fact, that you made her as a child-size, that resulted in her being very big. If you use spot commands for placing, always exit character with spot commands as well.
- I don’t think that art scene was necessary. Just a picture you know. I think that if you place art scenes, they should be meaningful, like putting some narration behind, or character thoughts. And I’m not fond of the scene’s quality to be honest. I’m a fan of pro art scenes.
- Ending was abrupt. I think it is the best decision to put cliffhanger at the end of the episode, just so the reader is more interested to continue reading.
I felt that character’s personalities are kinda dry, if you know what I mean. Like you have that overall thought of how they’re supposed to be like, but I didn’t feel depth. I always suggest writers make a questionnaire for every important character (I do them myself). These can be found on the writer’s guide websites and while writing them, you don’t only create backstory for them and personality, but you imagine them clearly in your head, almost like a real person, so after it will be easier to write their lines, because you will know how they should react to certain conversations and events. I do these things for my own story and find it extremely helpful. I felt like her two friends were kinda the same, I’d like for them to have different unique perosnalities, because I suppose they are important characters. Same with Gabe and Daisy. There are too much similarities between them. Work on them more.
I won’t review second episode, because I think I mentioned enough points for improvement, so maybe you deal with this, and then I can review it again if you want.
@CosmicIvy - Confessions of a Female Jock
- First of all, I loved the small cover. It really gives that vibe about MC, how strong and cool she is. I would read it, if I saw it somewhere with this cover. The title is great too. It is catchy, at least for me, very descriptive and I don’t think I saw something similar.
- Introduction to the story is just enough. Nothing unnecessary. And no author’s note, that explains literally everything in the story. Good start.
- Check character’s faces after all animation. Sometimes they freeze with the weird face, while other characters are speaking. Example, MC’s dad face, in their first scene.
- Flashback. Jordan running in the barber shop, starts okay, but then she “slides” in.
- Daddy failed hard with that haircut. Yikes.
- “No dating until you get married”. Sure. Seems legit
- Really, go through all episodes, and pay attention to character’s faces after they do some kind of animation. Weird frozen faces.
- Ay-ay-ay. So student orientation scene. When they walk to that smoking emo-girl, you probably didn’t put time in the code. That’s a first thing. Second - you could make them walk rear. To do this put and CHARACTER does it while walk_rear after the walking code.
- These guys… Lol.
- Usually I hate when writers use “exaggerated” animations. Like a bit over the top. But not in this case. Your story is so light, like the whole atmosphere. And I honestly love her dad. He’s awesome.
- First episode was a bit short. Not critically tho.
- I love your narrations. They fit the story so well.
- Oh my. That starring in the cafeteria is so bleedin’ cute. This is what I call a different approach on the love interest. First of all, in the first scene with this guy (donnow the name yet), he wasn’t really standing out, or extremely dominating. I loved it. Like he’s kinda regular fella. And that cafeteria scene, there weren’t even any dialogue lines, but their communication is so sweet. My heart literally melted.
- I would suggest you adding some more background character. This will definitely make the story even better.
- Katya Petrov. As I a Russian girl, I gotta say. I think her surname is supposed to be Petrova. More like a grammar thing.
- Dialogues are good. Realistic, with some little details.
- I think you did a lot better with spot commands in the second episode.
- I witnessed a lot of naked buts lol. This episode glitch seems to be more present in INK stories.
- When girls are walking into the frat house party. MC is much bigger that Raquel, although they walk besides.
- In the frat house. The background characters are kinda randomly spotted. Totally check them.
- Yay. Mean girl. Finally. I started to think that everyone is just too nice
- Best friend stealing the hot guy from the mean girl. That’s new.
- James is kinda straight forward lol
- When there are five of them talking at the part, MC is spotted weird, like she obv standing in front of the rest, but with her back. I advise you either place her with her back to reader, or place her somewhere in between them.
- I’m totally slut-shaming Raquel in my head right now
- She wanna go to the tryouts in disguise? Predicting.
- Second chapter has a decent length. Good job,
OK, while I’m on my lunch I’ll read 3rd chapter.
- I was wondering if you’re gonna just dress her as a dude, or make her as a dude
- Hmm… I kinda expected her to be all superb and beat the rest of the guys in football Why she sucks?
- Didn’t expect for the mean girl to get hots for Jordan
- Raquel asking when Jordan will be back? Slut-shaiming again
- You might wanna place James and Jordan a bit higher in the cafe scene, because their feet kinda visible under the counter.
- I liked the business idea you made for James family. Usually writers put something like mega-large business corporation, but you went with not so big, but interesting concept of brewery. Little details do matter.
Okay. So I loved your story. It’s so lightweight, and the plot has some original ideas, plus these small details, like MC and James interaction. I will definitely read it, so I hope you will continue. But you need to polish your directing. There were some problems, not big, but still. If you decide to update your directing, since you’re not that far into story with just 3 episodes, I will be more than happy to help you.
Hello, I just want to ask, do you review unpublished story as well?
I had just done a chapter, and is wondering if there is anything to improve with my storytelling.
I do. If your first chapter is fully finished only. If it is - send me the link in DM.
Thank you so much for your time and feedback! I definitely have a lot to learn and would love directing assistance after the contest is over. You’re awesome to offer!
Hey! I actually just finished the 3rd episode and put some additional comments.
Anyway, sure. Good luck with the contest, and I’m dead serious about my offer. I’m very good in directing (totally not bragging lol).