Not sure if this is the same forum but let’s try, (Deleted first post)
Title Growing Pains
Description The life of Jacalyn Tate. Can you help her stay afloat, or will you help her drown.
Again. How do you guys have your splashes cropped on the top? I will never get it. By the way, I like this approach more, when you place characters on ur splashes, instead of just picture. Looks better.
THANK U, for the warning about phone/tablet. Very few do it.
Just before the line “And has my father told you…” you kinda zoom again, with the slight difference, from the previous. It kinda twitches a bit, but still, I noticed. Maybe remove it.
Dunno if it’s your first story, doesn’t look like it. Directing is pretty good, and you use overlays nicely.
Now. When her phone rings, you make her stand up and look at it. I know, there are no many animations for sitting with a phone (I think only one), but I suggest you zoom on her right after the sound of the phone, place her lower (like she is sitting in her seat), and do all the phone related animations. It’s kinda weird since, first of all, cause she’s on a jet (is it moving?), and secondly cause how many people stand out just to check their phone? I’m nagging, deal with it
Okay. I loooove how you made text messages. Small suggestion. Maybe make some phone background? And also put readermessage, telling to click on the screen, as some readers may have never seen this feature.
Ohhh, u used that new unreleased feature. Looks cool. I noticed that some messages differ in font size (cause when u use bold text, the font gets bigger than the regular). Dunno, maybe u should make it the same.
I dunno what u did with the customization. It is kinda weird. It lacks a lot of skin colors, while having both dark and light, so it totally doesn’t make sense to me. Actually, a lot of new features are missing. @Dara.Amarie has great updated templates, I suggest you check them.
Check speechbubbles. When MC is talking with Ruth, the tail often faces the wrong direction.
I think your dialogues are quite dynamic and will make the audience interested, at least the ones who love these high-school-uni dramas.
Insta splash is also kinda cut, vertically.
Cool edited background of MC room.
Yep, I didn’t find anything to else to say, but I was kinda invested in the chapter, so it’s a good thing.
When Ruth hugs Luna. When they stop hugging, you make Luna idle (while she still faces right), then make her face left and only then Ruth stops hugging animation. It looks awkward. Better do it at the same time. @RUTH starts idle and LUNA starts idle and LUNA faces left
I don’t get MC tbh. Paige is classic “bad-boy” character and a total bitch.
It’s weird that MC talks to Paige with her back to her. Yeah, she was checking her phone, and turned to the left, but then she kinda talks for like 1-2 more minutes with Paige while not facing her.
And yeah, one-moment Paige is aggressively blackmailing MC, then she backs out… It’s kinda weird to me.
Loved that game you included, that is based on tips Ruth gave MC about Daniel.
Jeez, that girl is rose dress is so cliche, it’s kinda funny
Um… Dunno. The kiss was too fast. I kissed guys after just met them too, but it doesn’t happen after 4 sentences u know O_o Really fast and unrealistic for me
When MC is calling for Ruth, she is kinda moving while shouting. Check it.
Why did Paige say that I failed the task? O_o
After Paige hangs down the phone, and you show MC again, I can’t see Ruth, and MC faces to the right. Dunno if that’s the glitch, but I exited the story and started it 3 times, so maybe it is script mistake.
“Everyone know eachother” -> “Everyone knows each other.”
I just now noticed, that your intro picture (with the “Inner Circle” title) is also cut, but horizontally… Why???
Why Paige cares so much getting revenge on Blair? She doesn’t seem to be fond of Daniel.
Speechbubbles in the car scene are off.
When we see Alexa and Troy, they both are on talking loop animations.
Good thing with the overlays at movie premiere. But characters are spotted the way, that they look like they are standing. They should be bigger and positioned lower.
Your thing with a click-on-character thing works kinda bad X_X I almost smashed my screen. Okay. I finally made it, while getting rebellious badge X_X So fcuking hard to click, dunno why.
“And I expected more from you, MC”. Dude knows me for like one day -_-
Scene with the paparazzi. They are kinda randomly spotted. Lady with the short black haircut is very big, and others basically as well. Check the guide below.
BG Char Spotting Guide
I decide to stay for a couple more minutes. When they pass, and Daniel leaves, MC and Alexa are still standing with the wink and admire or smthg faces, on camera. Plus Troy is layered in front of Paige, while judging from their feet positions he is supposed to be behind. Dudes posing in the background are frozen as well…
When they are dancing in Paige’s room, MC is layered in front of Alexa, while she is obviously behind her…
So directing. There were great moments, and also not great. I think I said it all. U just gotta take note on those things I mentioned (or not) and make sure you keep them in mind while writing other episodes.
The moment when Paige and blonde girl say about their group being not about child-games, it kinda got me hooked. I thought that if their games would slowly make them do some crazy-ass shit, u know, like in thriller direction, I would love this kind of plot. But judging from 4 episodes, I guess they’re gonna redeem themselves. I find a lack of logic and realism in some characters actions, as I mentioned, so it turns me off tbh. But I think younger readers will love your story.
If I misunderstood something in their actions - feel free to correct me.
Otherwise hope the review is helpful.
I heard only good things about your story so I have kinda high expectations
Well, first of all, I love the horror-comedy genre.
Holy fcuk, when Brooklyn pushed Mr Narrator, with that sound, I burst into laughter.
U might wanna check her outfit, cause her boots are layered kinda ew thank u Episode, I can see the boot on her right leg, and no boot on her left leg. Just pick other boots or pants
Landon is right. Bit of a long introduction. Maybe if her speech was a bit mixed with some scenes… I dunno what kind of scenes. Maybe just random street with kids Halloween-ing?
The narrator bubble with the chapter title. Is it supposed to be placed too far on the left? Or you forgot to reset speechbubble?
Check the spot positions in the kitchen scene. So in the previous introduction scene, all the guys were placed with the stands on the screen left/right/center command. And the thing with this command in Limelight is that guys are always smaller than girls. Dunno why. Anyway, in the kitchen scene, Landon is positioned the way that he seems to be much taller than Brook since he is standing further but is bigger. U might wanna check this guide, and also be more consistent with character sizes. And I know most of the people prob won’t notice this thing, but hey, there are whiny bitches like me out there.
I think at the end of this scene (or maybe even before), the speechbubble stayed at one position. U might wanna check it,
Also when the transition goes, at the end of the kitchen scene, for some reason, after it goes through, I once again see that kitchen scene with all characters, for like half a second, and then comes the next scene. Dunno why, but u should check it tots.
Okay. So I see that when you physically can use stands on screen l/r/c command. I’d advice u to use spot commands. Yeah, it is more time-consuming (although not much), but this way you can control character’s heights u know. As once again in this scene, Brook is taller and overall bigger than Landon. Don’t be a lazy ass. Yep, definitely use spot commands here. I’m 100% sure.
“Long story… but …”. So put either one full stop or three, and also begin the next part with the capital letter. I think it’s not the first time I noticed grammar/punctuation mistake. Maybe if you want it to be really perfect you should find a reliable proofreader.
Why Landon has lipstick on tho?
Elliot from… What? I’m not that old prob
Now the scene in the costume shop ends the same way as in the kitchen, I mean the transition problem.
I would reconsider calling your character as Beyonce tbh. Or at least asked Episode stuff. It is fine to dress characters like them, like for Halloween, but it looks like a celebrity put into the story. U might be reported for this, and judges also might consider it as a violation.
Also about this whole first party scene, I think that characters are placed a bit disproportionally with the background. I think they are bigger than they should.
“Yeah, yeah… how long…” the same thing as with the sentence before. Yep, find a proofreader, and I will leave out grammar/punctuation comments from now on.
When Tom comes… Yep. Use. Spot. Commands. I’ll just post the paragraph from my help thread.
Dunno if it’s only me, but I seriously hate human voice sounds. They are really weird, first of all, and the second thing, they mess with the voice I made for the characters in my head u know.
Also I only now noticed, that you don’t/almost don’t use zoom in the story.
Poor Tom. Drinking his sorrow away. TBH when I agreed for a drink, I just wanted a drink, not really hang out with him
Sure. Follow creepy sound all the way to the cemetery. That’s what I would do not.
Brook has balls of steel.
“You’re mind wants to leave…” Your. I promised not to mention it, but I couldn’t…
Loved the ghost scene. Just a suggestion u may take it or leave it. It would look cooler if you’d not just made her disappear in an instant, but maybe put her on the shift command simultaneously with the timed opacity command. She will sorta vanish in the air.
When Brook falls from above, check her speechbubble. Overall just check speechbubble command everywhere.
I personally don’t like when authors make the character walk through the door this way, just sorta making them disappear. I can suggest (if u want to make an extra effort), and I also can help if needed, to make open door overlay and make her really walk in, and then maybe make the door close with the sound. Would be cool.
“What if I’m going to be as good of a Queen…” I believe you wanted to say not as good of a Queen
Throne room scene, speechbubble position is again off.
I don’t really get, Do we have an MC here?
“There she was! The most…” I believe you want to say it with the narrator bubble. At least I think it would be the best fit. And the next phrase as well. Maybe thought bubble will fit as well.
They look kinda weird, I mean Ember and Axis. It is like he is standing with his back to her. Maybe it is better to make him walk like in line with her?
The terrace scene. I saw the background, then the transition. It shouldn’t be like this.
Okay. I know how sitting commands work. U have to put another spot command if you want to sit your characters. You made Ember walk to the spot, which wouldn’t require you to put another spot command, but this way she walks to a very high spot, so it looks really weird. Make her walk to a normal spot, and then place sit command with the fitting spot command in one line.
Again refer to the guide. Spot positions… Just cause you place characters higher, doesn’t mean they will look further. They will look smaller, for sure, but the eye level will be around the same u know. And I would place King Lumos a bit higher, cause now it looks like he is closer to the screen, so it’s like naturally, he should standing with his back to us, u know.
Holy crap, how are they gonna remove the wings and horns O_o This is scary.
I would tots use the walking_rear command on the stairs.
Is Brook=Ember? O_o
Sorry for reviewing only 2 episodes, I’m out of passes now, but I will continue reading the story anyway. Tell me when u plan on fixing episodes, cause if you want, after you do, I can re-read these 2 episodes, and continue from that, just to check if I find something more.
So… There is some work you have to get done I think.
First of all proofreader. Find one and check all the episodes.
Second. Directing. A lot of things need to be fixed and take a note that each type of mistake should be fixed in every episode, as I kinda see most of them are recurring. And you see. You can do advanced directing, and you know how to spot, you just try to avoid it. Don’t. Yeah, it’s gonna take more of your time, but it will look much better.
About the plot. I definitely liked the 2nd chapter more than the 1st. 1st lacked a bit of exposition I suppose. But maybe it is because of mostly basic directing, especially in conversations. If you will place characters with spot commands, and zoom here and there, scenes will become more dynamic, I promise.
The plot itself is really interesting. That thing with the falling through the portas (I guess?) was unexpected, just like that scene from Pumpkin Kingdom. And I’m excited to see what’s gonna happen in the house with monsters, cause I expect a lot of fun situations.
Hahah PHEW… I was really nervous especially when you said you had high expectations so basically just technical errors and make the first chapter more interesting which I understand I am in the middle of revamping my story and I get better with my zooms in later chapters so I will fix chapter 1 and maybe add some flashbacks and cut the introduction down some. Gotcha hopefully I fix everything and maybe rename the destiny child girls since my intentions were to make them because dressed as them and not actually be them
Hey, thanks so much for reviewing, that helped out a lot lol. The thing with my splashes being wierdly cropped is weird?! idk I checked them like a million times but it’s not a big deal. Also, a lot of the characters actions that seem unrealistic are supposed to seem that way, and MC takes note of that because the other characters usually have ulterior motives. Like how Paige just weirdly backed out of the blackmailing, it comes up later. And if that was unclear, my bad! Layering issues I get, my web prievewer is all messed up and I’m going to send in a ticket. And Paige wanting to get revenge on Blaire is party because of personal problems with her but also because they are a group, and Paige is very closed off so she tends not to show it but she does value Daniels friendship a lot. I’ll also check the gains, they might not be working right
Sorry for word blabbing, I’m going to take a better look at directing from now on, thank you so much!
It’s actually my first story (after messing around for LITERAL YEARS that’s right I was here when people still used classic🤮) but I’ve been working on it on and off. I literally have like 10 unreleased “stories”. Thank you though!
Hopefully, you are still accepting reviews? If so here’s my story info❤
Password: evil cookie
Title: The Divided
Author: C.P Close
Description: Three powerful clans are at war with each other. Will a few unlikely Heroes be able to unite their divided Kingdom? Or will their own dark pasts tear their world even further apart?
What is the main concern about your story?:
I am always trying to improve. If you have any tips or tricks to help my story be the best it can be I’d be eternally grateful❤ I’m afraid it’s not engaging enough or too confusing to my readers… Thank you in advance for your time and even for reading this comment. I look forward to you ripping my story a new one LOL
I just want know what other people think about it and how it can be improved. Every story can be improved in some way shape or form, so I wanna see what you (or other people) feel about it. My main concern is mainly the grammar and directing, and how people understand the plot. I think it’s been done pretty well, but I’m gonna put it to the test anyways.
First things first. Dunno if it’s the final directing, but I really suggest you add some kind of intro, at least warning splash or smthg. It starts kinda abruptly.
Check lip colors part in the customization template. Every other tab seems fine, but lip colors don’t have “Done” choice on every page. Maybe it is intentional tho, but I’d recommend doing it.
Good job on adding freckles/moles and stuff.
Hot Balloon flyer is a tiny bit cut horizontally. Maybe it’s just zoomed a bit?
I just noticed. You put an option to make my own name for a character, but later it is changed to “Marie” anyway. Check it.
I am not too far into the story but I think your directing is much better here, smoother too. Good job.
I just noticed that you adjusted mom to mc customization. GJ. But dad could use it too. Dunno. Like mom is a total copy of me, but dad doesn’t look like my dad (since I made a white character).
Hum. Okay, I won’t point grammar stuff, but I strongly recommend finding a proofreader.
So I went with “being pissed over little sister coming too”, and I’d think about MC’s reaction a bit. She went all nuts screaming, and then in the next sentence easily agrees.
Um. So I found the dude on the bus creepy, and it took off one point. Is this the adventure point as well? Not fair
Now, when I meme-dare Mathias to do smthg happens with zooms. I thought it’s disappearing character glitch, So I exited story, but you messed up with the zoom. After that I saw MC being on fire (literally) cause of the way overlay is layered, and then messed up zooms again. X_X Zooms are wrong up until the next dare.
When MC walks to the couple, she kinda walks right through the fire. Maybe change her walking route a bit.
What? Contains all letters… Envelope… Huh?
So I checked points in the previous episode and noticed that even after you “overlay” me with +1 point, nothing changed. You didn’t put points yet?
Okay. I think you didn’t finish 2nd episode.
It’s hard to judge plot itself based on 1 episode only, so maybe finish 3 of them, and I can go through it all.
Password:Evil Cookie Title Outcast Author Loren Description A young Orphaned girl returns to the city she considers home. How will she connect with her new ‘family’? And will she truly reconnect with old friends? Small cover
What is the main concern about your story? I’ve written a lot of short stories before and have actually been developing a similar plot line to this for a while. I’ve only joined episode about three to four months ago and I’m nervous at the new platform. I’ve been trying to do my research on coding and implement what I’ve learned over this short time. I’m very persistent when it comes to learning new things, but I’m worried my thoughts might not come across correctly to others as they do to me. My main concern would be the flow, dialogue and overall feel of the story… Secondary is coding, of course. I will warn you that this story has a lot of cursing in it, so if that bothers you then no pressure to read it!
Thank you for considering reviewing my story