@EVL.Daisy - Not Ordinary
- Right from the start. I’m one of those people who don’t like author’s introductions, especially in the story beginning. Don’t be sorry for making your story they way you did. Better make it the best you can, even if taken a much longer time, but don’t be sorry. And yeah, why I don’t like author notes, or author’s introductions, especially in the beginning. They distract me from the story. Like I haven’t even started reading it, but the author is already waffling something you know.
- Put animations before every dialogue line! It is a must (well, except if you use loop animations).
- OK. So you’ve a got a hold on readerMessage code, so you’re more than capable to figure everything out.
- Her monologue contains too much “princess”. Maybe work on her monologue, it’s a bit flat and blurry.
- Classical bump-into-the-guy situation.
- Really, your directing is not bad, you know how to use exits/enters. It is basic, yes, but I think it’s better to go with solid basic directing, then with a glitchy advanced.
- When Gabe “thinks” his whole speech about the MC. I think you should put this monologue into NARRATOR, because I think you should use thinking option, when a character is really thinking. But this is a rather descriptive part, so better put it as NARRATOR (GABE) with the following text.
- Tudum… So you sorta figured spot commands. But when Gabe and MC walk into class, they kinda “slide” in, you know, without really walking. I’m not sure why this happened, the code would help, but definitely check it, plus spot commands timing.
- Check speechbubble placing, cause when characters speak, often speechbubbles are facing the wrong direction.
- Think about adding background characters, like in the school hall, or classroom.
- That storming out thing was unexpected.
- “Later that evening” scene, characters appear too late. That happened because you start from zone1, then you pan it to the zone 2, and only then you place spot command for girls. You can place them in the 2nd zone as well, only the spot will be something like 0.795 570 150. Check it. If you wanna know how to place them precisely - go into Previewer, put a pause in the first zone, zoom out so you can see that couch, and then place them. Spot command will be different from the one, if you’d check the spot command of the 2nd zone.
- Okay. So you actually know how to use speechbubble commands. If you started once, you either continue putting speechbubble spot everywhere, or you reset it.
- I’d advise you to put some zoom there. If the conversation is longer than a few phrases, zoom on speaking character will make the scene more alive and dynamic.
- Be careful when putting loop animations. If you don’t put some non-talking animation after them, character will stay with his/her mouth bubbling, while other characters are speaking.
- So you put a flashback. I’d advise you to put some kind of transition or filter, or even better, both, to distinguish real time events and memory. Some might get confused.
- When Daisy (in her memory) is running off the screen, you obv put the exit command. Considering the fact, that you made her as a child-size, that resulted in her being very big. If you use spot commands for placing, always exit character with spot commands as well.
- I don’t think that art scene was necessary. Just a picture you know. I think that if you place art scenes, they should be meaningful, like putting some narration behind, or character thoughts. And I’m not fond of the scene’s quality to be honest. I’m a fan of pro art scenes.
- Ending was abrupt. I think it is the best decision to put cliffhanger at the end of the episode, just so the reader is more interested to continue reading.
I felt that character’s personalities are kinda dry, if you know what I mean. Like you have that overall thought of how they’re supposed to be like, but I didn’t feel depth. I always suggest writers make a questionnaire for every important character (I do them myself). These can be found on the writer’s guide websites and while writing them, you don’t only create backstory for them and personality, but you imagine them clearly in your head, almost like a real person, so after it will be easier to write their lines, because you will know how they should react to certain conversations and events. I do these things for my own story and find it extremely helpful. I felt like her two friends were kinda the same, I’d like for them to have different unique perosnalities, because I suppose they are important characters. Same with Gabe and Daisy. There are too much similarities between them. Work on them more.
I won’t review second episode, because I think I mentioned enough points for improvement, so maybe you deal with this, and then I can review it again if you want.