Cookie's Uncensored Reviews 🔒

Title: Music in our hearts

Author: Mary-P

Description
You’re a straight A student with a passion for art but don’t have any talent. When a mysterious voice leads you to 3 Muses of the Mythology, magic offers you a new perspective.

Small cover

Untitled5

What is the main concern about your story?
Do you find it interesting even if there’s no romance?

1 Like

If you’re still doing some reviews :wink:

Story Title: XENA PIERCE
Author: SOPHIESOPHILATTE
Story Description:
An HEIRESS, a DAUGHTER, a GIRL who seeks answers–guide XENA KATSUMI PIERCE as she fights in order to save her mother. Will she make it through? Her SURVIVAL depends on YOU. (CM)

Story Cover:
IMG_4877

Thank you so much :wink::bowing_woman:t2:

4 Likes

Amberose is a very inspirational person and the Queen of the Forums :sunglasses: :crown: :heart:

Bookmarked this thread so I can read these reviews because it’s fun to read detailed reviews and makes for a great workout in reading skills :laughing:

2 Likes

Why thank you kind fella :smiley:

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@EVL.Daisy - Not Ordinary

  • Right from the start. I’m one of those people who don’t like author’s introductions, especially in the story beginning. Don’t be sorry for making your story they way you did. Better make it the best you can, even if taken a much longer time, but don’t be sorry. And yeah, why I don’t like author notes, or author’s introductions, especially in the beginning. They distract me from the story. Like I haven’t even started reading it, but the author is already waffling something you know.
  • Put animations before every dialogue line! It is a must (well, except if you use loop animations).
  • OK. So you’ve a got a hold on readerMessage code, so you’re more than capable to figure everything out.
  • Her monologue contains too much “princess”. Maybe work on her monologue, it’s a bit flat and blurry.
  • Classical bump-into-the-guy situation.
  • Really, your directing is not bad, you know how to use exits/enters. It is basic, yes, but I think it’s better to go with solid basic directing, then with a glitchy advanced.
  • When Gabe “thinks” his whole speech about the MC. I think you should put this monologue into NARRATOR, because I think you should use thinking option, when a character is really thinking. But this is a rather descriptive part, so better put it as NARRATOR (GABE) with the following text.
  • Tudum… So you sorta figured spot commands. But when Gabe and MC walk into class, they kinda “slide” in, you know, without really walking. I’m not sure why this happened, the code would help, but definitely check it, plus spot commands timing.
  • Check speechbubble placing, cause when characters speak, often speechbubbles are facing the wrong direction.
  • Think about adding background characters, like in the school hall, or classroom.
  • That storming out thing was unexpected.
  • “Later that evening” scene, characters appear too late. That happened because you start from zone1, then you pan it to the zone 2, and only then you place spot command for girls. You can place them in the 2nd zone as well, only the spot will be something like 0.795 570 150. Check it. If you wanna know how to place them precisely - go into Previewer, put a pause in the first zone, zoom out so you can see that couch, and then place them. Spot command will be different from the one, if you’d check the spot command of the 2nd zone.
  • Okay. So you actually know how to use speechbubble commands. If you started once, you either continue putting speechbubble spot everywhere, or you reset it.
  • I’d advise you to put some zoom there. If the conversation is longer than a few phrases, zoom on speaking character will make the scene more alive and dynamic.
  • Be careful when putting loop animations. If you don’t put some non-talking animation after them, character will stay with his/her mouth bubbling, while other characters are speaking.
  • So you put a flashback. I’d advise you to put some kind of transition or filter, or even better, both, to distinguish real time events and memory. Some might get confused.
  • When Daisy (in her memory) is running off the screen, you obv put the exit command. Considering the fact, that you made her as a child-size, that resulted in her being very big. If you use spot commands for placing, always exit character with spot commands as well.
  • I don’t think that art scene was necessary. Just a picture you know. I think that if you place art scenes, they should be meaningful, like putting some narration behind, or character thoughts. And I’m not fond of the scene’s quality to be honest. I’m a fan of pro art scenes.
  • Ending was abrupt. I think it is the best decision to put cliffhanger at the end of the episode, just so the reader is more interested to continue reading.
    I felt that character’s personalities are kinda dry, if you know what I mean. Like you have that overall thought of how they’re supposed to be like, but I didn’t feel depth. I always suggest writers make a questionnaire for every important character (I do them myself). These can be found on the writer’s guide websites and while writing them, you don’t only create backstory for them and personality, but you imagine them clearly in your head, almost like a real person, so after it will be easier to write their lines, because you will know how they should react to certain conversations and events. I do these things for my own story and find it extremely helpful. I felt like her two friends were kinda the same, I’d like for them to have different unique perosnalities, because I suppose they are important characters. Same with Gabe and Daisy. There are too much similarities between them. Work on them more.
    I won’t review second episode, because I think I mentioned enough points for improvement, so maybe you deal with this, and then I can review it again if you want.
3 Likes

@CosmicIvy - Confessions of a Female Jock

  • First of all, I loved the small cover. It really gives that vibe about MC, how strong and cool she is. I would read it, if I saw it somewhere with this cover. The title is great too. It is catchy, at least for me, very descriptive and I don’t think I saw something similar.
  • Introduction to the story is just enough. Nothing unnecessary. And no author’s note, that explains literally everything in the story. Good start.
  • Check character’s faces after all animation. Sometimes they freeze with the weird face, while other characters are speaking. Example, MC’s dad face, in their first scene.
  • Flashback. Jordan running in the barber shop, starts okay, but then she “slides” in.
  • Daddy failed hard with that haircut. Yikes.
  • “No dating until you get married”. Sure. Seems legit :smiley:
  • Really, go through all episodes, and pay attention to character’s faces after they do some kind of animation. Weird frozen faces.
  • Ay-ay-ay. So student orientation scene. When they walk to that smoking emo-girl, you probably didn’t put time in the code. That’s a first thing. Second - you could make them walk rear. To do this put and CHARACTER does it while walk_rear after the walking code.
  • These guys… Lol.
  • Usually I hate when writers use “exaggerated” animations. Like a bit over the top. But not in this case. Your story is so light, like the whole atmosphere. And I honestly love her dad. He’s awesome.
  • First episode was a bit short. Not critically tho.

  • I love your narrations. They fit the story so well.
  • Oh my. That starring in the cafeteria is so bleedin’ cute. This is what I call a different approach on the love interest. First of all, in the first scene with this guy (donnow the name yet), he wasn’t really standing out, or extremely dominating. I loved it. Like he’s kinda regular fella. And that cafeteria scene, there weren’t even any dialogue lines, but their communication is so sweet. My heart literally melted.
  • I would suggest you adding some more background character. This will definitely make the story even better.
  • Katya Petrov. As I a Russian girl, I gotta say. I think her surname is supposed to be Petrova. More like a grammar thing.
  • Dialogues are good. Realistic, with some little details.
  • I think you did a lot better with spot commands in the second episode.
  • I witnessed a lot of naked buts lol. This episode glitch seems to be more present in INK stories.
  • When girls are walking into the frat house party. MC is much bigger that Raquel, although they walk besides.
  • In the frat house. The background characters are kinda randomly spotted. Totally check them.
  • Yay. Mean girl. Finally. I started to think that everyone is just too nice :smiley:
  • Best friend stealing the hot guy from the mean girl. That’s new.
  • James is kinda straight forward lol
  • When there are five of them talking at the part, MC is spotted weird, like she obv standing in front of the rest, but with her back. I advise you either place her with her back to reader, or place her somewhere in between them.
  • I’m totally slut-shaming Raquel in my head right now :smiley:
  • She wanna go to the tryouts in disguise? Predicting.
  • Second chapter has a decent length. Good job,

OK, while I’m on my lunch I’ll read 3rd chapter.

  • I was wondering if you’re gonna just dress her as a dude, or make her as a dude :smiley:
  • Hmm… I kinda expected her to be all superb and beat the rest of the guys in football :smiley: Why she sucks?
  • Didn’t expect for the mean girl to get hots for Jordan :smiley:
  • Raquel asking when Jordan will be back? Slut-shaiming again :smiley:
  • You might wanna place James and Jordan a bit higher in the cafe scene, because their feet kinda visible under the counter.
  • I liked the business idea you made for James family. Usually writers put something like mega-large business corporation, but you went with not so big, but interesting concept of brewery. Little details do matter.
    And finished.

Okay. So I loved your story. It’s so lightweight, and the plot has some original ideas, plus these small details, like MC and James interaction. I will definitely read it, so I hope you will continue. But you need to polish your directing. There were some problems, not big, but still. If you decide to update your directing, since you’re not that far into story with just 3 episodes, I will be more than happy to help you.

1 Like

Hello, I just want to ask, do you review unpublished story as well?

I had just done a chapter, and is wondering if there is anything to improve with my storytelling.

I do. If your first chapter is fully finished only. If it is - send me the link in DM.

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Thank you so much for your time and feedback! I definitely have a lot to learn and would love directing assistance after the contest is over. You’re awesome to offer!

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Hey! I actually just finished the 3rd episode and put some additional comments.
Anyway, sure. Good luck with the contest, and I’m dead serious about my offer. I’m very good in directing (totally not bragging lol).

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Stop it. Right now :grin::sweat_smile: I’m blushing. But thank you for your kind words.

2 Likes
Questions

I don’t quite understand what you mean…?

I’ve got NO idea how to fix this if you can you please tell me!

Could you elaborate on the blurry part?

No idea what this is…? Or what you mean by it?

No idea what you mean by this either…?

I’ve thought about this and I’ve got no real cliffhanger. Should I just add some scenes from episode 2 into it?

Do you have a specific place in mind? If not that’s ok too.

Yeah, I had no idea how to do this, thank you!

Do you have any suggestion on how to portray that? I know what I want them to be like. I just don’t know how to show that…?

Thank you so much! I didn’t really see these mistakes when I was reviewing it, so thank god you did! I will definitely use these edits and advise andhopefully you’re willing to look over it once I finish, again.

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I got your message, and I will get to it first thing in the morning, as it is night here :slight_smile:

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I loved Xena Pierce! I need to read your update

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Oh em! :scream:Thank you so much :kissing_heart:. I recently released episode 4 . Hope you like it. :hugs::wink:

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And you didn’t tell me!!! ><
Gonna read it right now.

1 Like
Answers

It means, that before each dialogue line you write, you must place animation. Two examples below.
CHARACTER (talk_animation)
Blah blah!
Blah…
In this case his mouth will keep on moving only for the first line, well mostly. So what would be better.
CHARACTER (talk_animation)
Blah blah!
CHARACTER (talk_animation)
Blah…

I have to see you code. Better write me in DM

Like we say in Russian, there’s too much water in your intro.
Like overall phrases, that might be, but the most introduction part consisted of these overall not very specific phrases. It’s okay to put such introduction, but it shouldn’t be that long in this case, cuz it gets boring.

If you can’t think of cliffhanger, than probably your story lacks drama. Think about it.

I don’t. You just have to take a look art your scenes again, and think, if the zoom will make this dialogue line better, or not. Just feelings… Movies are good to get this idea… They constantly zooming in and out between characters.

I always suggest writers make a questionnaire for every important character (I do them myself). These can be found on the writer’s guide websites and while writing them, you don’t only create backstory for them and personality, but you imagine them clearly in your head, almost like a real person, so after it will be easier to write their lines, because you will know how they should react to certain conversations and events. I do these things for my own story and find it extremely helpful. There. Again you can write me in DM, and I will send you the links.

@viviwrites - CYBER

Episode 1

  • “Gamer with no life” so me, like 7 years ago lol.

  • Nice intro with overlays. Sets the mood.

  • Never saw parents being so happy about their kid playing video games :smiley:

  • I thought it’s only with the intro, but your transitions are toooooo long. It’s okay to put them like this for the intro, but every time - it kinda annoys. At least me. 2-3 seconds is enough for transition.

  • Oh. Year 2050. Unexpected.

  • 50 million players? Not much. LoL has like over 60 million per month. *geek mode turned on

  • Your customization is messed up a bit. Like “Next page” buttons in the wrong place in the eye section. Plus you might wanna add all the others face shapes (I noticed cause my favorite square shape isn’t there)

  • Lol. Episode messed up with some clothes combo with Wavy Parted Hair. The helmet appears under the hair. Just an observation, has nothing to do with u.

  • Nice introduction to the game. You really used overlays to the fullest.

  • Maybe I’m a but dumb, but I was a bit struggled with Silver appearance. Like you don’t say that it’s our game character. I thought it’s like an announcer or smthg, so wasn’t bothering with her creation. Maybe add one little note on who is that? Oh right, you put the note after the customization. I really think you should put it before, for dumbases like me, because I rarely bother myself with secondary character customization.

  • A lot of awesome custom backgrounds and good work on background characters.

  • It is a small detail, but I will mention it. Part where you were explaining what you can do in the game. I noticed that in at least one scene, you were paning to zones first, and only then characters were doing some animations. You can always put these animations with a & before paning. It is a really small detail, but it will make everything smoother. Yep, in the bar scene it’s the same.

  • Good to see that MC is just like me not drooling over Leon. :smiley:

  • Lol, how can you get tired in virtual reality? :smiley:

  • I wanna slap Luna for drooling so excessively. :sweat_smile:

  • I’m not fond when authors use non-talking animations for dialogue lines (like eyeroll, or wink). I think I mention it in every review :smiley:

  • You have a lot of awesome ideas how to use overlays. I’m so impressed.

  • I feel like the first episode was a bit short in terms of content. Like you did an introduction to MC family, and the game. And then simplifying it - one scene, with the bar and announcement. I kinda feel a lack of dialogues.


Episode 2

  • Shoot, with the first scene I was a bit puzzled, cuz I really forgot that MC has a real life :rofl: I really thought plot will be happening in the game only.

  • Ohhhh. It was a dream. I was just going to ask, why is she so feisty, although she said before that she’s kinda shy.

  • I’m glad that these long transitions stopped, although I would still suggest to shorten then in the first episode.

  • In the car scene. I donnow why, but I see overlays being shifted for a less than a second before showing the character, but still, I see it. I’ll try to guess and say that you put a looped background, with 2 overlays shifting continuously to the same zone or something. I suggest, as an option to avoid it, maybe make one overlay with 2 seats that sorta covers 2 zones, like 1 seat for one zone. Then you can just put MC in zone 1 and her dad in zone 2 and just switch between zones without shifting overlays. I hope it makes sense.

  • But really the question. MC is like 18-19? What is she doing in life besides playing games? Does she have any job or smthg?

  • “Supernova” overlay could be turned a bit, to match background.

  • Really, I advise hard to check animations for dialogue lines. I donnow if others put so much thought into it, but I’m getting really distracted and annoyed when character says something with its mouth closed.

  • There are some animations, after which character get’s kinda stuck, with a weird face, or risen hands, like after the laugh giggle animation. To avoid it, you can always put @CHARACTER starts idle_shiftweight animation or something.

  • When MC is at Supernova. Her dad walks out, and you pan to zone 3 (or 2?), and Adrien stands there. You took your time to zoom out, while he just stands there. You can always use &zoom on… instead of @zoom on… I don’t think you’ve got a hold on this type of command, but it is really handy, for creating dynamic scenes.

  • It’s cool that you put Adrien’s friend dialogue lines in cursive. It makes it so much easier to read.

  • Um. Adrien kinda “slides in” to the reception. Check the code. His speaking animation+dialogue lines, might be put too soon after his walking command.

  • I’m not sure you can use Twitch trademark like this. I think it’s a bit off with Episode guidelines. Maybe try to change it for Epitch or smthg lol.

  • Oooh, spooky bad guy.

  • Second episode was even shorter in content. Consider them making a bit longer maybe?


I can’t finish 3rd episode now, but I will.

I think your story is great, and there was obviously a lot of work done. Directing is very good, although I would suggest to consider points I made in regards of it. Overall plot concept is unique, and although I wasn’t reading sci-fi stories much, I don’t think I saw anything like this. I feel a lack of dialogues… Like there’s a lot of pretty expositions, and pace is fine, and everything is explained and I don’t get confused about the plot, but still. I feel a lack of dialogues.
I hope the review helped you, and I will continue to read the story.

2 Likes

Thanks for the review! :smile: (I’ve been waiting for this lol)

  • The transitions are long because I want to set a mood. I don’t wanna rush because a. It was a sad scene, b. It was a time skip.
  • Lol i know 50 million players isn’t as many as LOL’s, I did my research :joy: The reason for that is because it’s a VR game, and VR games are expensive.
  • I’ll definitely add the missing face choices!
  • Yea, the helmet thing. Ugh.
  • The panning & animations thing: Yes I was aware of that lol. But you know when it finally pans to the scene and the animations already ended? Yea I was afraid of that.
  • The car scene: Yup you are so right haha, I switched the car overlay back and forth :joy::joy: Thanks for the suggestion, will try doing that.
  • I was aware of the Adrien ‘slide in’ problem too. The reason why is because he is supposed to still be walking towards the reception WHILE the MC was like “Wha…What?!”, when you click too fast, this happens.
  • I wasn’t really using the Twitch trademark, I actually made the logo myself. They have the same name but they don’t work the same way. Ehh, fingers crossed.
  • As for the chapters length… I personally think it’s fine and I haven’t gotten any complains about this :thinking: to each their own, I guess.

I really appreciate it, I hope you will like chapter 3 :slight_smile:

2 Likes

Hehe good to know :smiley:

This actually makes a lot of sense, point taken off.

I understand your concern. But you can use looped animation to avoid it :slight_smile:

If you need any help, feel free to DM me. But I think you will figure it out, as your directing is superb.

Oh. I see. I understand the struggle myself. What I do in these cases is to make the pause a bit longer after the dialogue line (while which he is supposed to be walking), and just in the end of his walking command add THEN CHARACTER starts idle_shiftweight or idle_wkward_loop if he’s nervous

Oh! Well, then I hope you’ll get away with this :smiley:

Fair enough. I’m a sucker for longer chapters, but you’re right, it is a personal preference. Anyway it doesn’t turn me off from reading your story :slight_smile:

1 Like