@CosmicIvy - Confessions of a Female Jock
- First of all, I loved the small cover. It really gives that vibe about MC, how strong and cool she is. I would read it, if I saw it somewhere with this cover. The title is great too. It is catchy, at least for me, very descriptive and I don’t think I saw something similar.
- Introduction to the story is just enough. Nothing unnecessary. And no author’s note, that explains literally everything in the story. Good start.
- Check character’s faces after all animation. Sometimes they freeze with the weird face, while other characters are speaking. Example, MC’s dad face, in their first scene.
- Flashback. Jordan running in the barber shop, starts okay, but then she “slides” in.
- Daddy failed hard with that haircut. Yikes.
- “No dating until you get married”. Sure. Seems legit
- Really, go through all episodes, and pay attention to character’s faces after they do some kind of animation. Weird frozen faces.
- Ay-ay-ay. So student orientation scene. When they walk to that smoking emo-girl, you probably didn’t put time in the code. That’s a first thing. Second - you could make them walk rear. To do this put and CHARACTER does it while walk_rear after the walking code.
- These guys… Lol.
- Usually I hate when writers use “exaggerated” animations. Like a bit over the top. But not in this case. Your story is so light, like the whole atmosphere. And I honestly love her dad. He’s awesome.
- First episode was a bit short. Not critically tho.
- I love your narrations. They fit the story so well.
- Oh my. That starring in the cafeteria is so bleedin’ cute. This is what I call a different approach on the love interest. First of all, in the first scene with this guy (donnow the name yet), he wasn’t really standing out, or extremely dominating. I loved it. Like he’s kinda regular fella. And that cafeteria scene, there weren’t even any dialogue lines, but their communication is so sweet. My heart literally melted.
- I would suggest you adding some more background character. This will definitely make the story even better.
- Katya Petrov. As I a Russian girl, I gotta say. I think her surname is supposed to be Petrova. More like a grammar thing.
- Dialogues are good. Realistic, with some little details.
- I think you did a lot better with spot commands in the second episode.
- I witnessed a lot of naked buts lol. This episode glitch seems to be more present in INK stories.
- When girls are walking into the frat house party. MC is much bigger that Raquel, although they walk besides.
- In the frat house. The background characters are kinda randomly spotted. Totally check them.
- Yay. Mean girl. Finally. I started to think that everyone is just too nice
- Best friend stealing the hot guy from the mean girl. That’s new.
- James is kinda straight forward lol
- When there are five of them talking at the part, MC is spotted weird, like she obv standing in front of the rest, but with her back. I advise you either place her with her back to reader, or place her somewhere in between them.
- I’m totally slut-shaming Raquel in my head right now
- She wanna go to the tryouts in disguise? Predicting.
- Second chapter has a decent length. Good job,
OK, while I’m on my lunch I’ll read 3rd chapter.
- I was wondering if you’re gonna just dress her as a dude, or make her as a dude
- Hmm… I kinda expected her to be all superb and beat the rest of the guys in football Why she sucks?
- Didn’t expect for the mean girl to get hots for Jordan
- Raquel asking when Jordan will be back? Slut-shaiming again
- You might wanna place James and Jordan a bit higher in the cafe scene, because their feet kinda visible under the counter.
- I liked the business idea you made for James family. Usually writers put something like mega-large business corporation, but you went with not so big, but interesting concept of brewery. Little details do matter.
And finished.
Okay. So I loved your story. It’s so lightweight, and the plot has some original ideas, plus these small details, like MC and James interaction. I will definitely read it, so I hope you will continue. But you need to polish your directing. There were some problems, not big, but still. If you decide to update your directing, since you’re not that far into story with just 3 episodes, I will be more than happy to help you.