o hahaha sorry thank youuuu!
I’d still really like a review, but don’t feel you need to rush or anything
Hey @Em546 congratulations on being featured in March shelf Good job and good luck ^^
thanks!!! wow this feels unreal like I’m about to wake up from a dream lol
@Marshmallow_O - Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
- The one major thing I noticed is how u spot-place characters. To make them look further you place them above the ones who are closer. I advise to put them on the more or less the same eye-level, but play with scaling, like in the guide below. I see it everywhere tbh, in school scene too.
- “Guess what” speechbubble could be placed higher.
- Chicken but xD
- Liked how you make that overlay-background overlay thing before customization.
- “You are right…” in convo with Leilani. When MC says this line, the zoom is still on Leilani.
- When MC and her friend are talking bout evening plans, u used for both of them for at least two times in the row similar animation (I think talk_neutral). maybe put the other, cause tbh when you put similar animation for even 1 character, for more than 1 line in a row, they start to look like robots.
- You work really well with overlays, but spot commands really bug me. Guys in the hallway (with MC crush) are higher than lockers.
- “Birth giver, sperm provider” xDDDD what
- When MC walks to her brother room, you show like all her path. I get it, you are very good with overlays and stuff, but maybe try to cut off unnecessary parts, that are just for directing, rather than for the plot and character development, cause they might seem like fillers.
- When MC walks to the door (after the ring) I see Bea’s hand on the edge of the screen. Place her a bit further.
- Sure. Go to a sketchy place. that is to die for
- The first scene at Hanging Hill Lane. Same old, spot commands for all the characters.
- Sometimes you zoom on characters, that kinda cuts them a bit. Dunno if it is intentional. It bugs me a bit, so I mention this. (when Kai says "All I want to do is to find my sister) - this is the first time I noticed.
- I got until the end of chapter one without any comments. I honestly loved it. Kinda reminds me of The Saw xD Just less bloody xD Your chapters are quite long. I’d say you could even split them in half, and the length would still be decent.
- Ok. So I finished 2nd, and I don’t actually have anything to say about directing, 'cause everything is great.
So I finished 3 chapters.
I mentioned things I think you could fix in regards to directing in 1st episode part, and most of them are reoccurring. These are spot placements, and the way you zoom, that kinda cuts characters a bit.
Now to the plot. I liked the plot, it hooks you kinda fast. Very engaging. I wish we would learn more about other characters tho, not just MC, Ash and Storm, but maybe we will in next chapters.
I loved the story, and will continue to read it
omg i saw that you tagged me and my heart instantly dropped ive been so nervous anticipating this review for the longest time because i love your story and your opinion means the world to me, so this actually just made my whole day! so thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! you’re such a legend.
thank you for the note on spot placement i will be sure to fix that and make sure it’s not like that moving forward.
and i can promise that you will be learning more about the other characters as you continue i swear
thank you so much, my life is complete now.
Jeez xDD Crazy people. Ur welcome
@Ella - Stars & Scandals
- Ariana’s line “Like even the name is Zack” doesn’t have an animation before.
- Your CC template has a “Back to styles” option in the Hair tab, but you can’t choose a hairstyle.
- I dunno why you make Ariana repeat that part of 3 lines (ends with Earth to CHARNAME)
- I’d advice to use transit animation when you want characters to get out of the couch/chair.
- I dunno why, but many authors for some reason cut characters when zooming on them, like in MC and Ari convo. Maybe instead you could put a closer zoom on only one of them when they are talking.
- You have that thing with frozen faces.
- Again, on MC line (as I chose romance - “It’s perfect, until one…” there is no animation. Put animation before every animation, unless it is looped. Check the whole script, cause I’ve seen it multiple times.
- Add-prop command should be placed before the animation command. Otherwise, character does animation, and only then the prop appears. (the scene where MC is reading a paper)
- When Ariana suggests MC changes outfit, she is still doing that looped talking animation. Cut it with @ARIANA starts idle_shiftweight or smthg. UPD. I’m at the 2nd chapter now, and there are a lot of these moments. Check the whole script.
- This is what I mean by frozen faces. She’s been standing with this face for at least 15 seconds. I found a lot of places with this thing. Fix 'em all.
- When MC and Ari are at the ACME studio. They are scaled too big for the background. Look at the gates.
- Inside the studio. So the first thing. Default Episode characters. It’s not that complicated to change their appearance and clothes a bit. Second thing, check layers, cause there were one or two characters that are layered in front of the character, who is supposed to be closer.
- You use transition a bunch of times, to show how times goes, and how girls are auditioning. But background characters animation or their spot positions don’t change. This makes the whole thing look boring.
- The kiss coding is kinda weird. I mean. She walks on his spot, and he walks backward on her, just to do a kiss. Then they switch the spots again after the kiss. Looks really awkward.
- When the episode starts, it starts with Holy’s line. But we don’t see her on the screen. I really thought it’s a disappearing character glitch, but nah. You just didn’t zoom.
- Characters appearing after the transition. (the scene where MC is talking on the phone in her room)
- I don’t understand how she could call Alex and ask him for help. I mean. They met at the audition, but we, readers, didn’t even see their interaction. It is kinda weird.
- Here is what happens when you put a non-talking animation for the dialogue line. This animation length is around 1.2 seconds, and dumbasses like me are reading this line for at least 2-3 second in a normal pace. So for the most part of this line he is standing with this weird face.
- Don’t forget to put timing in the walk-to-spot commands. When Zack comes to the trailer, he walks really fast.
- Alex is calling MC and asks “If this is NAME SURNAME?” I mean. She was calling him before. He is supposed to know her O_o
Directing. I would call it the basic directing. Nothing bad 'bout that. But there’s a lot of mistakes, that could’ve been avoided if you would test the story. I mention all of them, and most of them are repeated through both chapters. I would check the rest as well.
Grammar. I didn’t mention anything, but I suggest you find a proofreader. There were mistakes.
I suppose this is the type of plot where MC doesn’t get the main role right from the start and works her way through it, which is a good thing.
I have problems with the plot execution. For the start, this is my personal opinion, but dialogues are boring. They don’t show what the characters are all about, their personalities. They are kinda basic. Characters relationships is another thing where you could work. MC sees Alex for the first time at the audition, and we don’t see any interaction between them. Then the next day MC is calling him to ask for help. This is weird for me.
What I can advice to do with the story, is to rework it. Build solid characters, with the help of Character’s Questionnaires . I use them and they help a lot not only with the creation of the interesting character but also with the plot development. Study directing guides, check other stories with good directing to see how it is supposed to look like.
I suppose this is your first or one of the first stories. There is a lot of growth you can do, so I guess I’m wishing u luck with it, and hope my review helped.
Are you on my story? I just noticed it disappeared from the waiting list. If you are just note that I have to switch a prop in episode 4 if you do read that episode or are reading that episode in the next coming week or so. Just wanted to give a heads up. Not rushing.
I still need the review, plz
@SelmaJ - In Love With My Student
- First thing I noticed is the title. I would personally start all words with the capital letter, and removed the (ep5 is out). I mean you can see when the new episode is out anyway. Why make your title ugly?
- My daily protest against unnecessary writer’s notes at the beginning of the episode
- xDDD I found it funny, in a good way, how you changed eye shape to show make-up applying
- Um. I’d advice to get your story proofread. Some words randomly start from the capital letter.
- Not a fan of MC explaining who is who simply by saying it to the reader while breaking the 4th wall. There are farther creative ways to do the introduction. And you kinda do that a lot. Make MC explain everything she does “I should go to shower” “I should apply make-up” “I should get going”. These are unnecessary lines, that don’t have any implication or significance.
- School hallway. MC is scaled way too small, plus you have something with the zoom, it goes down the hallway twice.
- Why is MC so rude to the poor girl Kim?
- It is really annoying when authors use non-instant zooms throughout the whole conversation. It makes conversations longer, not in a good way, plus takes away the realism cause pauses between dialogue lines are inhuman.
- “When did you have some fun?” Dude met her like a minute ago… This is a very VERY weird question. Just as the MC reaction to it.
- Characters appearing after the transition in the club scene.
- I suspect you don’t know how to make characters do animations or move simultaneously. I’d check guides.
- After the principal scene in the hallway. Just look how MC is scaled comparing to the door behind her She looks like a dwarf.
Sorry to cut it short but I think there are too many things that gotta be fixed.
Plenty of improvement can be done. Spot commands, that are often don’t match the background, freezing faces after certain animations (like cheer, callout, etc.), You know how to use spot commands, but don’t use them when it would make the scene look better, like when there are 3 or more people in once frame shot. I would advise checking my help thread, since it contains a lot of information, especially in the first 2 posts about common directing mistakes.
I only briefly comment on the grammar, since English is not my native, but you have a decent amount of mistakes, plus a lot of punctuation issues and that thing with the capital/small letters.
I’m personally not a fan of teacher/student stories, but I know a lot of people like them, so maybe your approach with changing roles (since mostly it is a male teacher and female student) will seem fresh to them.
This is where I think most work is needed.
I suppose it is your first story, maybe second?
First of all, I feel like your characters don’t have well-built personalities. When you don’t know what your character is like, I mean his traits, habits, etc., dialogues can’t be good. The length of the chapter was decent, but from it, I only got that MC’s ex died and that she is a teacher and has a friend slash nurse slash neighbor. Sometimes she’s nice, sometimes rude for no reason. I don’t understand her character.
Another thing is unrealistic dialogues. The one that really got my attention is between principal and MC. He was rude to her, then he asked when was the last time she had fun, out of blue. People in real life don’t talk like that. I get it, you needed it to show the scene in the club, with her then-future-student. But you could’ve found a better way to include this flashback.
Don’t be discouraged by this review, because at the end of the day we all have our opinions, plus no one is great at their first/second/third story. We do, we seek feedback and learn.
@elliewrites.episode - One Day
- Lol, it was such a long wait, you changed your cover. It’s beautiful by the way.
- I can’t say I loved the whole introduction, but I definitely didn’t hate it. It’s a good thing you included some show-not-just-tell moments, although I’d love to see more of MC and her friend’s past.
- I like the combo of MC and Jamey characters. MC is so bubbly and kinda chaotically emotional xD (first impression) and Jamey who seem to be kinda calm and reasonable.
- Check the spot/walking commands in the hallway scene. I’m not sure why but although MC and Jamey kinda walk straight on the x-axis ( xD) it seems like they got bigger when entered the zone.
- MC and Jamey kinda talk simultaneously in the hallway.
2nd & 3rd Episodes
- Yikes. Ms Jones is nasty xD
- How should one fall to pass out? xD
- Ben is so cringy xD
- When MC gets off the bed in the nurse office. I’d advise using transit animation, because now u make her stand on the bed, and it looks weird.
- MC is overreacting all the time xD But I guess it’s her character
- Sometimes you don’t put animation for every line. So for average-speed readers like me, characters sometimes say their line with their mouth closed.
- When MC goes to her locker, she kinda walks with rear animation, then is faced with the front for a bit and then starts rear again. Check it.
- Jamey talking to some girl, and again they are both talking at the same time.
- You are making this way to easy for yourself by making all girl characters that threatens MC and Jamey relationship - as mean bitches.
- Check spot/walking commands. Like when Brooke runs away, she is a bit high, so it looks like she is stepping on MC’s feet.
Overall the story is good.
There are some things that I didn’t like, like how every other girl is mean to MC, that seemed a bit cliche. Directing could be better. I see that you know advanced directing, and I think you could make a lot better than it is now. It’s kinda stiff from time to time. I mean, I guess there’s nothing wrong with the basic directing, but if advanced will always be better. And as I see you are capable of doing much more than you did.
Dialogues are good, realistic. I won’t say I really love MC’s personality, but it’s not your mistake. I think you made her consistent in her actions and words. She is that chaotic impulsive person, and I think you showed her well. I loved Jamey. He is my favorite. Love his personality.
I’d advise working more on your directing and try to depict secondary characters a bit more, than just one-sided characters. Secondary characters are important too. I suppose Maya could be someone standing in between MC and Jamey at some point, so it’s not really a competition if she is a mean bitch. It doesn’t make MC look better.
Thank you so much for the review! I commented a while ago hoping you’d read my other story, Blurred Lines instead, since my directing has drastically improved and it’s a much better representation of what I am capable of but it’s ok! Haha I’m revamping this one and know it needs improving
Oh shoot, I totally forgot. xD I will read that one too in this case
Aw, thank you! I really appreciate that! Take your time
First of all thank you for doing this I didn’t see the email saying if we do not respond you’ll take it as we don’t need it anymore and I do need it I mean I would of removed my Story a while ago but just waiting for you to see it because I decided to revamp but wanted your opinion first
(being clear on that now moving on)
The first three episode were a mess I know
But I got better in the 4th and 5th cuz I stopped and then continued one I learned more about writing stories so thank you for your review much appreciated I hope you like it once I revamp (I’ll try to do better)
I’m glad you take it the right way, and good luck with revamping
I know you said you aren’t accepting new Requests but your reviews are amazing so if you ever have the time here’s mine…no rush! or you could totally tell me to eff off lol!
Title Break Away
Chapters 9 (10 is half way done!)
Description Twins Blythe and Braxton have only had each other. Until Holden and Collin came along. What happens when one twin wants to follow a path of love, desire, and destruction?
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