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@puma - Untitled

1st Episode
To begin, I will say that everything below is just my subjective view on how the story would be better. It doesn’t mean I am right or that u have to agree with it :slight_smile:

  • First things first. Episode started kinda abruptly. Meaning there is not some kind of intro. Some put splashes, some put cover, some make intro like in movies (the best approach in my humble opinion). To prepare reader a bit for the story. If you want to put intro/cover/splashes after the introduction scene (which is okay too, and maybe u did, but I’m at first scene now) then simple transition will do great.
  • Yep. U have intro. Quote nice by the way. Visual materials are done with a nice quality. This is something I highly appreciate…
  • You built nice expositions, with nicely done background characters.
  • I like Suzanne. And her look totally fits her personality. She’s like angry Ellen DeGeneres :smiley:
  • I’m a bit confused now. Story started with Robin, and I thought she’s the MC. But now it’s vibe. about Michelle, and she mentioned in description as well…
  • Ohhh. I get it now.
  • I like the fact that u didn’t do explicit character’s life narrations, but instead just give little pieces of information. It makes reading far more interesting.
  • I like your readerMessages. Text affects are a must to use with them, just because when you don’t - they are kinda bland, and I personally often miss them. Yours are very visible.
  • I suppose it is an LGBT story? I’m not sure at this point, as it is kinda early in the story, but if it is - I strongly suggest u to put some kind of badge on the cover, or mention it in the description. It’s not cuz I’m homophobic or smthg, it’s just cause some straight people don’t like it, just as much as some LGBT folks don’t like reading straight romances. Sorry, if I’m mistaken tho.
  • When Suz is greeting Noah, you put probably talk_handsopen_happy_loop animation, and as she finishes her dialogue line, animation continues. Maybe out @SU starts some_idle_animation.
  • “Blazer and suit are different”?
  • Oh, Suzanne and her lack of political correctness… luv
  • Noah looks a bit young for Su. Is it meant to be?
  • Good job on choices that actually matter.
  • “Do you guys know each other or what?” :smiley: Noooo, they don’t :smiley:
  • Ok, so we can choose LI in the end I suppose. My point earlier taken off.
  • I kinda like the fact that there are no really MC. There is a bunch of people we get to know from different sides.
  • Now actual. Whatdafcuk? This cigarette looks like a damn prop. Is it overlay? I even went to check prop list just to make sure there is not cigarette. How did u do that? O_o U MUST TELL ME. I look like very closely and I’m pretty sure u can’t make an overlay look this smooth. Tell me your secret sensei!
  • Oh. I was credited lol :smiley: What did I do? :smiley:

2nd Episode

  • Scene with her mom, the first one. She you use transition. It kinda goes 2 times. Check it.
  • Nice work on Epygram posts. Liked by puma. I see what u did there :smiley:
  • Stalker much.

So, overall thoughts. This is definitely a nicely done story. I can see a hell lot of an effort, with dialogues, directing and basically everything. And I would definitely read it after it’s published. There are not much stories, that are done “professionally”, but yours is one of them for sure.
I have two things, that could’ve make the story more appealing for me, but these are thoughts based on my taste, personality and other shit, so don’t take it seriously.

  1. I felt that there were a bit too much of dialogues and narration. And to be honest I can’t even tell what could be removed, because everything they say and think make sense. Just a bit too much.
  2. I’m not sure about Michelle’s motivation to find Noah/Robin. A bit far-fetched maybe? Maybe it will make more sense in upcoming chapters.
    There were some choices, that are actually impactful, and this is another thing I highly appreciate. However, I think you could include some choices, that maybe don’t change a lot, but just for reader engagement.
    But these are really insignificant things comparing to the overall impression.
    Great job, honestly :slight_smile: I even predict it to be featured one day.

I know I said that I will drop some suggestions on title, but it is very hard to do now. I guess I will read few more episodes before suggesting.

Title suggestions totally checked my playlists for some titles that I felt gives that struggling with ur life vibe :smiley:
Me Vs. The World
Keep on Swinging
Savages
Where We Belong

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