Cookie's Uncensored Reviews 🔒

Hey! Thanks for the review, I really loved seeing your opinion on things :blush: Maybe you noticed, but second episode is far from finished, I’m glad that you reviewed what I had there for now though.

  • With the narration, did you feel like I overdid it to a point where it became tiring to read everything?

  • Michelle’s motive to find Robin/Noah is because she needs help convincing Suzanne to give her job back. Later on it’s revealed that Michelle is a high school drop out and without a degree she just highly doubts that anyone will hire her except for Suzanne. Would this be realistic/make sense?

  • For the choices thing, I totally agree but I’m so bad at finding good places to add choices. I know there is few choices atm but I don’t know where else to put them you know? If you have any examples on where I could add some minor choices that would be great :slightly_frowning_face:

Finally, you said you would continue reading this when it’s released - does this mean that first episode alone left you wanting more or did it take some motivation from you having to write this review or something that made you keep wanting to read more? :joy: I guess what I’m asking; is the first episode stimulating/have enough content to make readers interested?

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Not overdid. I donnow :smiley: I just felt it could be a really little bit shorter in some places. But on the other hand it helps to show characters better. It’s hard to tell. Just keep the thought, that u don’t have to show all the depth of your characters right away, split it by bits and pieces :slight_smile: It’s not like your story is 5 episodes long.

Well, if you explain like this - then totally! Makes sense. I understood why she wanted to find him, but her motive wasn’t strong enough. But with this whole drop-out thing - absolutely.

Hard to say. U could just try to read ur story a couple of times and think all the time - where could I put one more choice, u know, where u have like 2 options and the difference is just in one sentence. Your character isn’t one sided, they can be in different moods and they can respond differently.

Yes! Cuz it’s nicely done, with diverse and interesting characters. :slight_smile:

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Thank you again! Hehe I guess my problems with choices is that I really want my characters to be the way I anticipated them to be. Especially since the reader isn’t playing as their own characters, it’s sorta odd to see a character that I “know” have options to react in a way that I don’t see them behaving like. Oh well, I guess I gotta learn how to let go :woman_shrugging: And with minor choices I guess they don’t have to say that much about a character. If I let the reader choose which sandwhich they want to eat it doesn’t define the character :laughing: But then again, do readers even care for choices like that?

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I don’t :smiley: I guess u have a point. Either way it’s just really a really small thing. So do ur magic like u feel like :slight_smile: And good luck with ur story. Don’t forget to post it here when it’s done :wink:

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You’re the sweetest :persevere: I’ll work on the things you pointed out, and I’ll definitely make sure to share my story when I finish it. Cuz yes, I’m determined to finish it now, and this was a perfect push to keep me going tbh… Ahhhhh better get to writing :sweat_smile:

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@pikaii4 - By Heart
1st Episode

  • “Twelve ago on Earth” - maybe it is twelve years ago?
  • I’m a bit confused. So there was a guy, who wanted to save someone. Then there is Steve with a bad dream. What bad dream? I don’t get it…
  • Okay, now I get it. But it is confusing because there was no transition. I suggest u add transition fade out white, to distinguish dream from reality.
  • Boo boo boo. :smiley:
  • Scene where he explains the dream. Rebecca has a few dialogue lines. “But not something that would…”. First of all Steve is still keeping his mouth talking, you didn’t switch the animation off. And secondly you didn’t put animation for all Rebecca’s lines.
  • No! Nonono. There are few things I don’t like in the stories. I don’t mind author’s introduction at the end of the chapter. I can handle author appearance in the beginning of the chapter. But in the middle of the chapter? That’s new. This immediately breaks the 4th wall. Why?
  • Author appearance and then MC talking to reader? I honestly dislike when writer just feeds me all the information in the beginning. I don’t have to know it all. You can build conversation that would lead to reader knowing the MC. But just simply feeding us this information is a very lazy approach.
  • So you basically explained everything and even put spoilers… Like all her love interests. Why? Why not slowly lead reader to all this information. When you know what to expect from a story, what’s the point of reading it?
  • Ok, I guess this whole 4th wall breaking thing is your approach to the story. I guess? I’m not a fan honestly, cuz it makes me feel like I’m watching reality show. And if I enjoy this way of telling a story for comedy genre. Fantasy? Nope.
  • Problems with Molly’s appearance. You put her at screen center/right/left but her walking contains a spot command. So u can see how she from an adult size turns into kid size in 1 second. Use spot command to place her behind the screen as well.
  • I don’t understand anything that is happening. There was a dream. Then Steve talking about the dream, Then spotlight and MC spoon-feeding us all the info, then some kind of fire-smoke, then space.
  • Slowly I’m starting to get it, but really. With this amount of explanation and narration u’d expect to understand everything. Yet…
  • It is always obvious when writers use episode default characters, like in ur case. U didn’t even change their name. This is lazy approach.

I donnow. I may not be the brightest out there, but I don’t think I’m that stupid. For me there are a lot of problems with your story. First of all this explanatory approach, where u basically tell reader everything there is to tell. It instantly makes the story much less interesting. Secondly, even with this amount of explanation I don’t understand the half of what is happening. A lot of characters, I can’t remember their names from the start, due to the fact that they are not common ones. So when they discuss something mentioning other characters, I don’t understand what are they talking about.
U are right, spotlight does distracts. I find it hard to revamp your chapters, because there are 24 of them already. I love fantasy stories, and alien stories, so I don’t have a problem with the genre itself. If you would revamp the story, I suggest to slow down a lot. Don’t try to give all the information about all the characters. You could’ve shown only that Tara’s planet in the first chapter, show scenes where we would understand what this planet is about, without narration. Then at the end u could’ve made this space ship crash (If I understood correctly what happened). It would make a good cliff hanger, because now you end the 1st chapter on quite regular note. Cliffhanger always add to the reader’s willingness to read the next chapter. And also work a bit on your directing, to make is smoother.
I’m a tough critic, but I do it just to help writers, so I hope you will find something useful in my review. Good luck with your story.

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Thanks I appreciate the feedback! I was on the verge of revamping to drop most of the 1st three chapters altogether, most of which where done on mobile so I’ve never been that happy with the directing, which is why I was looking for feedback to begin with. I will definitely revamp taking your suggestions into consideration. The original episode was much more compact the first time I wrote it without the spotlight and without the past/earth cast, but the feedback I received was that it did not get into the story fast enough. Spotlight to the readers is only in the first 3 episodes, and I never cared for it that much, which is why I dropped it as soon as the MC found a way to communicate with the humans, so it is definitely gone in the revamp, especially if it gives the impression that she has 3 possible love interests.

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Hey. Glad that you don’t take the feedback the hard way :slight_smile: Good luck with revamping. Maybe you could make it in LL? Since they have cool skin colors, that would fit your aliens? Major advice for you is to take it slow. Explain everything in normal pace, don’t try to explain everything in the first chapter :slight_smile: And think about cliffhangers :wink:

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Hi I’d love a review from you. I’ve finally broke my patience
Story Title: LURKING IN THE SHADOWS
Story Author: Mystery Maker
Genre: Thriller
Episodes published: 3 (4th coming soon…)
Description: Carol is haunted by a series of terrifying dreams & cassettes.She strives to find her missing sister but is unaware that her six sense may led to unforeseeable consequences…

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Additional notes:I’m eager to know if all my current published episodes end with a good cliff hanger.I’d really love a honest opinion on that.

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Title: STARSTRUCK
Author: whosalla
Description: When Grace bumps shoulders with a world famous star, she finds out that there’s more to a celebrity than just the shiny surface…
Small cover:
image


Concern: Plot and character development. I don’t want the story to be too cliche and static.

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Sorry everyone who is waiting their reviews!
I was silenced, for quite some time so I couldn’t post.
I will try to review all stories today, not sure if I’ll make it, but I will certainly review @sofia.sigma and @sophiesophilatte_104 stories today!

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@sofia.sigma - Search For Love
1st episode

  • Why is the story on hold? You want to revamp it or not interested in continuing?
  • I think that the very first background, with the story name, intro-like, contains watermark. Sharp eyes here. I would suggest changing it, it’s not that hard to find a brick wall background.
  • In the first scene, wedding, characters appear after zoom. Check it.
  • Scene at the police station, where there a lot of cops, spot commands are off. Characters in the middle seem to be smaller, that the ones behind them, like kids in police uniform. I would suggest to refer to this guide below, I found it really helpful for me, when spotting background characters (made by @Dara.Amarie )
Spotting guide

  • Check out speechbubble positions. I wasn’t paying attention before the crime scene, but Nicole’s bubble tail is on the wrong side, and it looks like Ms Williams (mother) is speaking.
  • Also I noticed that you didn’t work on background characters. Mother and father of murdered boy are almost default Episode characters. I actually don’t know if regular readers notice this, but writers certainly do :wink:
  • Check the punctuation. Or even better just find a proof reader. English is not my native language, so I have someone to check my story for me, like grammar and punctuation. I noticed it when at the dialogue line “he was electrical goods dealer in a large company” you have 3 (!!!) exclamation points, which doesn’t make sense to me. Also I saw problems with times.
  • "He was police officer and he wants to follow his steps. I guess you was meaning to say “he wants me to follow his steps”. I won’t mention more grammar mistakes, but even as a non-native speaker, I found a lot of mistakes. If you intend to revamp the story - find proof reader.
  • I have nothing against explanatory narrations, but there is always a better way to play them off, then just showing characters awkwardly standing for 30+ seconds while I read these narrations. Build some kind of scene, or several simple short scenes for these narrations.
  • Scene where Nicole stands at the front door, at her house and narration goes. I don’t really like when you zoom on background so much, it get’s all blurry and pixelly. It is because you either uploaded background of a very low quality, or because you zoomed tooooo much.
  • Arranged marriage? I suppose.
  • Scene with the police officer. Head officer appears too late in the scene. I guess it is because you placed all the background police guys at first and then head officer with the next code line, and you used “CHARACTER is animation” instead of “CHARACTER starts animation”.
  • NOW. I have a problem with the whole police station concept. You see, there is police station, the office or headquarters of a local police force. And then there is a prison, a building in which people are legally held as a punishment for a crime they have committed or while awaiting trial. Police station doesn’t have prison function. They may hold suspect at the police station, for questioning or something, but not for serving a prison term. Re-think this concept. It caught my attention instantly. And I don’t know of any prison, that has female and male prisoners held together.
  • I can see Ryan doing shush animation when u zoom on Nicole :smiley: And then Nicole doing fingersnap animation :smiley: What I do, if I need some character to do animation, and so that reader don’t see it. I zoom on other character, put spot command, to put him further, make an animation, and then return him to previous position.
  • After prison, scene at the police station, and again characters are popping out, too late. This is systematic mistake, Once u find it in the first scene, just fix all the others.
  • Welp, that explosion was really unexpected. Got me surprised :smiley:
  • Again, logic with the explosion. How he got out of the prison? Where the explosion was exactly? In the cell? It would kill Ryan.
  • You worked pretty well on the car chase scene. But I have two problems with it. First, Ryan and his friend driving the car, you show car’s front, with the looping background. It looks weird - car front with background moving horizontally. And second thing. Car with background cops, when Ryan shots in their direction it looked like they fell out of the car. Like, were they killed? I didn’t get it.
  • Nicole’s father question about Ryan was weird. The one before the choice. It doesn’t seem to be something realistic to ask.
  • Yep. Arranged marriage. In a week is very far-fetched for me. I hope it will be explained why the marriage is needed, and why such a short notice.
  • It’s a bit weird that customization is at the end of the episode, not in the beginning of 2nd. But I don’t see anything wrong with making customization after the 1st episode, because we got to know MC character, and we can create her accordingly.

2nd episode

  • And the reason is not told. “He is wealthy” is not a reason. I don’t believe that she has to marry him. Like, she has a work, she can support herself financially. What kind of power does her dad has over Nicole? She’s not 17 yo or smthg. Grown ass woman. This is just non believable for me, so I can’t even feel sorry for her.
  • Scene with the gang. Short dude is cheering for way too long. U can always put him on @CHARACTER starts some_idle_animation
  • OK. Killing bad dad scene and hospital scene. Lots of problems. First of all. Ryan being there. Coincidence much? Then kid’s reaction to father’s death. No kid will react this way. Goodbye father? Then Ryan in like 30 minutes in a hospital? Like I get it, you wanna show that he’s all good underneath his bad-boy layer, but… Unrealistic for me. And then. Nicole was talking with Ryan in police station. Saw his face very closely, and then she couldn’t recognize him because he was wearing glasses??? Ok, whatever. She didn’t recognize him. But dude, who is not police officer kills guy on the street. Normal cop would arrest him. Like you can’t just run around killing people. I don’t say a cop should do this, but…

Ok. Summary.
A lot of unrealistic scenes and conversations and reactions.
I strongly advise you to check “Prison Break” series, at least a couple of episodes to get the picture what the prison is really like. Then think through with the arranged marriage thing. I commented on it before. Build Ryan type better. His character doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe you could make him “psycho” type. Major lack of realism everywhere.
Grammar check is a must. The amount of mistakes is really distracting.
I would say your directing is advanced, but it needs to be polished.
I don’t say your plot idea is bad. It is quite interesting. But you need to make it more realistic and logical.

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My story it’s on pause (that’s why I wrote on hold.) Anyway, “thank you” for your “nice” words!!! …

Why in quotes? :smiley:
Are you angry with my review?

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Lol. If you can’t handle constructive criticism, don’t go on a review thread and ask for one. Just my 2 cents, ok I’m outta here :joy:

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Did someone ask you ?

@Mary-P - Music in Our Hearts
1st Episode

Student with a passion for art but don’t have any talent

Basically me in karaoke bar.

  • I don’t want to sound stupid or nitpicking :smiley: But the screen with “Chapter 1” “1” is not exactly centered. It’s a thing I have with symmetry :smiley: Sorry
  • “I have a very specific voice” Jeez, so related :DDD
  • Cool name by the way, Athena. Guess a lot of things are inspired by Greek culture.
  • I loved dialogue between Athena and her mom. Entertaining and not far-fetched.
  • I’m not sure if it was, but I think that after mom dropped Athena off the car, there is a background character, and I think you didn’t layered her, cause when she walks tree is in front of her.
  • Sakura is a bitch…Kinda. Why is she MC’s friend?
  • I would advice you to find a proof reader for grammar and punctuation. There aren’t that much mistakes, but still.
  • I liked your idea overall. Non-talented girl who wants to be artsy. Two things I think could be improved overall. First. I am on the first episode, and by now everyone who was talking with Athena and it is *thinking hard and breathing heavily 4 persons (not counting fairy or goddess, not sure) , told her to find out who she is. Like almost in the exact same words. This seems to be really far-fetched and obvious. When a lot of people say the same thing, and almost in the exact same words, this seems to be too blunt for a reader. What you could do is maybe change each dialogue a bit, like to make all these people say this “find out who you are” in different ways. Cause now it’s the same scheme - they criticize MC for being late/thinking about music, then say she should find out who she is, in a very mean manner. It was especially obvious in the scene at the bar/karaoke. And second, MC’s reaction to the voice saying to make a wish and stuff, seems to be too calm. She haven’t even questioned what the voice was telling her. Maybe it could’ve been like… Like voice approached her two times? At first maybe she freaks out, and then voice approaches her again, maybe after some kind of bad conversation or smthg, and she agrees out of desperation? Just thoughts.
  • Nice cliffhanger.

2nd Episode

  • Mermaids are coooool :smiley: That green mouth was quite funny :DDD
  • When MC is swimming, like when only her bottom part is visible, her “breathing bubble” is misplaced I think. It is around her chest.
  • Scene on the stairs. Characters are too big for the background.
  • I enjoyed the little game you made, with art questions.
  • Hum. I wasn’t impressed by the whole pronoun thing with muses. To me it seemed like forced diversity thing.
  • Again, one more nice interactive game, with dancing.

Overall.
I liked your story. Plot is unique and quite interesting. I am really interested how her life will change after gaining these talents. Directing is decent, dialogues are good, and you put some entertaining choice-games.
I mentioned some things I think could be fixed, and some of my thoughts (just remember they are subjective).

Well, am I wrong?

Look, I don’t wanna offend you. I’m just saying you shouldn’t go on a honest review thread and expect the reviewer to sugarcoat everything. It’s not how it works. She took the time to write down those words in order to help you improve, not to bash you. So just think about that.

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The sincerity from being rude has a big difference…!!!:warning:

As much as entertaining it is to watch, I think let’s stop off-topic now.
@sofia.sigma I guess, if I would read such a review I would be upset. But there was zero intention to upset you. Whenever I pointed something I think could be improved, I mentioned how to do it. Maybe I was wrong at some points, but you are very welcomed to correct me, or explain some points, if you feel like doing it.
That’s why I say in the post - very honest reviews. I’m simply not able to express my thoughts in a more pleasant way. But it was with best intentions. I really took quite some time to look into your story and try to explain my points the best way I could.

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