Thanks I appreciate the feedback! I was on the verge of revamping to drop most of the 1st three chapters altogether, most of which where done on mobile so I’ve never been that happy with the directing, which is why I was looking for feedback to begin with. I will definitely revamp taking your suggestions into consideration. The original episode was much more compact the first time I wrote it without the spotlight and without the past/earth cast, but the feedback I received was that it did not get into the story fast enough. Spotlight to the readers is only in the first 3 episodes, and I never cared for it that much, which is why I dropped it as soon as the MC found a way to communicate with the humans, so it is definitely gone in the revamp, especially if it gives the impression that she has 3 possible love interests.
Hey. Glad that you don’t take the feedback the hard way Good luck with revamping. Maybe you could make it in LL? Since they have cool skin colors, that would fit your aliens? Major advice for you is to take it slow. Explain everything in normal pace, don’t try to explain everything in the first chapter And think about cliffhangers
Hi I’d love a review from you. I’ve finally broke my patience
Story Title: LURKING IN THE SHADOWS
Story Author: Mystery Maker
Episodes published: 3 (4th coming soon…)
Description: Carol is haunted by a series of terrifying dreams & cassettes.She strives to find her missing sister but is unaware that her six sense may led to unforeseeable consequences…
Additional notes:I’m eager to know if all my current published episodes end with a good cliff hanger.I’d really love a honest opinion on that.
Description: When Grace bumps shoulders with a world famous star, she finds out that there’s more to a celebrity than just the shiny surface…
Concern: Plot and character development. I don’t want the story to be too cliche and static.
Sorry everyone who is waiting their reviews!
I was silenced, for quite some time so I couldn’t post.
I will try to review all stories today, not sure if I’ll make it, but I will certainly review @sofia.sigma and @sophiesophilatte_104 stories today!
@sofia.sigma - Search For Love
- Why is the story on hold? You want to revamp it or not interested in continuing?
- I think that the very first background, with the story name, intro-like, contains watermark. Sharp eyes here. I would suggest changing it, it’s not that hard to find a brick wall background.
- In the first scene, wedding, characters appear after zoom. Check it.
- Scene at the police station, where there a lot of cops, spot commands are off. Characters in the middle seem to be smaller, that the ones behind them, like kids in police uniform. I would suggest to refer to this guide below, I found it really helpful for me, when spotting background characters (made by @Dara.Amarie )
- Check out speechbubble positions. I wasn’t paying attention before the crime scene, but Nicole’s bubble tail is on the wrong side, and it looks like Ms Williams (mother) is speaking.
- Also I noticed that you didn’t work on background characters. Mother and father of murdered boy are almost default Episode characters. I actually don’t know if regular readers notice this, but writers certainly do
- Check the punctuation. Or even better just find a proof reader. English is not my native language, so I have someone to check my story for me, like grammar and punctuation. I noticed it when at the dialogue line “he was electrical goods dealer in a large company” you have 3 (!!!) exclamation points, which doesn’t make sense to me. Also I saw problems with times.
- "He was police officer and he wants to follow his steps. I guess you was meaning to say “he wants me to follow his steps”. I won’t mention more grammar mistakes, but even as a non-native speaker, I found a lot of mistakes. If you intend to revamp the story - find proof reader.
- I have nothing against explanatory narrations, but there is always a better way to play them off, then just showing characters awkwardly standing for 30+ seconds while I read these narrations. Build some kind of scene, or several simple short scenes for these narrations.
- Scene where Nicole stands at the front door, at her house and narration goes. I don’t really like when you zoom on background so much, it get’s all blurry and pixelly. It is because you either uploaded background of a very low quality, or because you zoomed tooooo much.
- Arranged marriage? I suppose.
- Scene with the police officer. Head officer appears too late in the scene. I guess it is because you placed all the background police guys at first and then head officer with the next code line, and you used “CHARACTER is animation” instead of “CHARACTER starts animation”.
- NOW. I have a problem with the whole police station concept. You see, there is police station, the office or headquarters of a local police force. And then there is a prison, a building in which people are legally held as a punishment for a crime they have committed or while awaiting trial. Police station doesn’t have prison function. They may hold suspect at the police station, for questioning or something, but not for serving a prison term. Re-think this concept. It caught my attention instantly. And I don’t know of any prison, that has female and male prisoners held together.
- I can see Ryan doing shush animation when u zoom on Nicole And then Nicole doing fingersnap animation What I do, if I need some character to do animation, and so that reader don’t see it. I zoom on other character, put spot command, to put him further, make an animation, and then return him to previous position.
- After prison, scene at the police station, and again characters are popping out, too late. This is systematic mistake, Once u find it in the first scene, just fix all the others.
- Welp, that explosion was really unexpected. Got me surprised
- Again, logic with the explosion. How he got out of the prison? Where the explosion was exactly? In the cell? It would kill Ryan.
- You worked pretty well on the car chase scene. But I have two problems with it. First, Ryan and his friend driving the car, you show car’s front, with the looping background. It looks weird - car front with background moving horizontally. And second thing. Car with background cops, when Ryan shots in their direction it looked like they fell out of the car. Like, were they killed? I didn’t get it.
- Nicole’s father question about Ryan was weird. The one before the choice. It doesn’t seem to be something realistic to ask.
- Yep. Arranged marriage. In a week is very far-fetched for me. I hope it will be explained why the marriage is needed, and why such a short notice.
- It’s a bit weird that customization is at the end of the episode, not in the beginning of 2nd. But I don’t see anything wrong with making customization after the 1st episode, because we got to know MC character, and we can create her accordingly.
- And the reason is not told. “He is wealthy” is not a reason. I don’t believe that she has to marry him. Like, she has a work, she can support herself financially. What kind of power does her dad has over Nicole? She’s not 17 yo or smthg. Grown ass woman. This is just non believable for me, so I can’t even feel sorry for her.
- Scene with the gang. Short dude is cheering for way too long. U can always put him on @CHARACTER starts some_idle_animation
- OK. Killing bad dad scene and hospital scene. Lots of problems. First of all. Ryan being there. Coincidence much? Then kid’s reaction to father’s death. No kid will react this way. Goodbye father? Then Ryan in like 30 minutes in a hospital? Like I get it, you wanna show that he’s all good underneath his bad-boy layer, but… Unrealistic for me. And then. Nicole was talking with Ryan in police station. Saw his face very closely, and then she couldn’t recognize him because he was wearing glasses??? Ok, whatever. She didn’t recognize him. But dude, who is not police officer kills guy on the street. Normal cop would arrest him. Like you can’t just run around killing people. I don’t say a cop should do this, but…
A lot of unrealistic scenes and conversations and reactions.
I strongly advise you to check “Prison Break” series, at least a couple of episodes to get the picture what the prison is really like. Then think through with the arranged marriage thing. I commented on it before. Build Ryan type better. His character doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe you could make him “psycho” type. Major lack of realism everywhere.
Grammar check is a must. The amount of mistakes is really distracting.
I would say your directing is advanced, but it needs to be polished.
I don’t say your plot idea is bad. It is quite interesting. But you need to make it more realistic and logical.
My story it’s on pause (that’s why I wrote on hold.) Anyway, “thank you” for your “nice” words!!! …
Why in quotes?
Are you angry with my review?
Lol. If you can’t handle constructive criticism, don’t go on a review thread and ask for one. Just my 2 cents, ok I’m outta here
Did someone ask you ?
@Mary-P - Music in Our Hearts
Student with a passion for art but don’t have any talent
Basically me in karaoke bar.
- I don’t want to sound stupid or nitpicking But the screen with “Chapter 1” “1” is not exactly centered. It’s a thing I have with symmetry Sorry
- “I have a very specific voice” Jeez, so related :DDD
- Cool name by the way, Athena. Guess a lot of things are inspired by Greek culture.
- I loved dialogue between Athena and her mom. Entertaining and not far-fetched.
- I’m not sure if it was, but I think that after mom dropped Athena off the car, there is a background character, and I think you didn’t layered her, cause when she walks tree is in front of her.
- Sakura is a bitch…Kinda. Why is she MC’s friend?
- I would advice you to find a proof reader for grammar and punctuation. There aren’t that much mistakes, but still.
- I liked your idea overall. Non-talented girl who wants to be artsy. Two things I think could be improved overall. First. I am on the first episode, and by now everyone who was talking with Athena and it is *thinking hard and breathing heavily 4 persons (not counting fairy or goddess, not sure) , told her to find out who she is. Like almost in the exact same words. This seems to be really far-fetched and obvious. When a lot of people say the same thing, and almost in the exact same words, this seems to be too blunt for a reader. What you could do is maybe change each dialogue a bit, like to make all these people say this “find out who you are” in different ways. Cause now it’s the same scheme - they criticize MC for being late/thinking about music, then say she should find out who she is, in a very mean manner. It was especially obvious in the scene at the bar/karaoke. And second, MC’s reaction to the voice saying to make a wish and stuff, seems to be too calm. She haven’t even questioned what the voice was telling her. Maybe it could’ve been like… Like voice approached her two times? At first maybe she freaks out, and then voice approaches her again, maybe after some kind of bad conversation or smthg, and she agrees out of desperation? Just thoughts.
- Nice cliffhanger.
- Mermaids are coooool That green mouth was quite funny :DDD
- When MC is swimming, like when only her bottom part is visible, her “breathing bubble” is misplaced I think. It is around her chest.
- Scene on the stairs. Characters are too big for the background.
- I enjoyed the little game you made, with art questions.
- Hum. I wasn’t impressed by the whole pronoun thing with muses. To me it seemed like forced diversity thing.
- Again, one more nice interactive game, with dancing.
I liked your story. Plot is unique and quite interesting. I am really interested how her life will change after gaining these talents. Directing is decent, dialogues are good, and you put some entertaining choice-games.
I mentioned some things I think could be fixed, and some of my thoughts (just remember they are subjective).
Well, am I wrong?
Look, I don’t wanna offend you. I’m just saying you shouldn’t go on a honest review thread and expect the reviewer to sugarcoat everything. It’s not how it works. She took the time to write down those words in order to help you improve, not to bash you. So just think about that.
The sincerity from being rude has a big difference…!!!
As much as entertaining it is to watch, I think let’s stop off-topic now.
@sofia.sigma I guess, if I would read such a review I would be upset. But there was zero intention to upset you. Whenever I pointed something I think could be improved, I mentioned how to do it. Maybe I was wrong at some points, but you are very welcomed to correct me, or explain some points, if you feel like doing it.
That’s why I say in the post - very honest reviews. I’m simply not able to express my thoughts in a more pleasant way. But it was with best intentions. I really took quite some time to look into your story and try to explain my points the best way I could.
This thread is about harsh reviews which is what she gave
I wouldn’t say harsh.
I just try to give very specific review. Including everything I see.
It’s not that kind of review, where you get short paragraph on overall impression. I look very closely into smallest details. And if writers could abstract from negativity (which is caused by realizing your story is not perfect, and there is no a perfect story) they could not only improve their story, in terms of directing and character development, but also learn something new.
Exactly, she knew what was happening
Just want to say something really quick. Anyone who is getting reviews should be doing it for the reasons that they want to improve there story. Also, you know what you are talking about because of your story, in my opinion,it is of high quality. So any advice you give it actually helps improve because you know what you are talking about. And if anyone has read your story should be appreciated that you are giving constructive criticism. Not to offend but to improve. Now I will stay quiet and enjoy your reviews. sorry if I am off topic. Just wanted to say that.
Thank you I enjoy being petted for my story
And I gotta agree. What I noticed happening a lot of times (not pointing on anyone or smthg), that good part of writers tend to put story for a review, just to get some nice evaluation, not to really find out what they could improve.
I got my story reviewed by a good amount of people, and you know, ALL of them offered me awesome ideas how to improve my story. Some people like @Cheyara_Skadi () inspired whole important scene, or I would even say a concept for my story Reviews are really helpful if you know how to react on them.
N’awww thanks I’m honoured to be of assistance.