@Mary-P - Music in Our Hearts
1st Episode
Student with a passion for art but donāt have any talent
Basically me in karaoke bar.
- I donāt want to sound stupid or nitpicking
But the screen with āChapter 1ā ā1ā is not exactly centered. Itās a thing I have with symmetry Sorry - āI have a very specific voiceā Jeez, so related :DDD
- Cool name by the way, Athena. Guess a lot of things are inspired by Greek culture.
- I loved dialogue between Athena and her mom. Entertaining and not far-fetched.
- Iām not sure if it was, but I think that after mom dropped Athena off the car, there is a background character, and I think you didnāt layered her, cause when she walks tree is in front of her.
- Sakura is a bitchā¦Kinda. Why is she MCās friend?
- I would advice you to find a proof reader for grammar and punctuation. There arenāt that much mistakes, but still.
- I liked your idea overall. Non-talented girl who wants to be artsy. Two things I think could be improved overall. First. I am on the first episode, and by now everyone who was talking with Athena and it is *thinking hard and breathing heavily 4 persons (not counting fairy or goddess, not sure) , told her to find out who she is. Like almost in the exact same words. This seems to be really far-fetched and obvious. When a lot of people say the same thing, and almost in the exact same words, this seems to be too blunt for a reader. What you could do is maybe change each dialogue a bit, like to make all these people say this āfind out who you areā in different ways. Cause now itās the same scheme - they criticize MC for being late/thinking about music, then say she should find out who she is, in a very mean manner. It was especially obvious in the scene at the bar/karaoke. And second, MCās reaction to the voice saying to make a wish and stuff, seems to be too calm. She havenāt even questioned what the voice was telling her. Maybe it couldāve been likeā¦ Like voice approached her two times? At first maybe she freaks out, and then voice approaches her again, maybe after some kind of bad conversation or smthg, and she agrees out of desperation? Just thoughts.
- Nice cliffhanger.
2nd Episode
- Mermaids are coooool That green mouth was quite funny :DDD
- When MC is swimming, like when only her bottom part is visible, her ābreathing bubbleā is misplaced I think. It is around her chest.
- Scene on the stairs. Characters are too big for the background.
- I enjoyed the little game you made, with art questions.
- Hum. I wasnāt impressed by the whole pronoun thing with muses. To me it seemed like forced diversity thing.
- Again, one more nice interactive game, with dancing.
Overall.
I liked your story. Plot is unique and quite interesting. I am really interested how her life will change after gaining these talents. Directing is decent, dialogues are good, and you put some entertaining choice-games.
I mentioned some things I think could be fixed, and some of my thoughts (just remember they are subjective).