Just wanna mention that fcukforcookies is one of the best reviewers I have ever seen in here and you all are super lucky to be reviewed by her
Stop it. Right now I’m blushing. But thank you for your kind words.
I don’t quite understand what you mean…?
I’ve got NO idea how to fix this if you can you please tell me!
Could you elaborate on the blurry part?
No idea what this is…? Or what you mean by it?
No idea what you mean by this either…?
I’ve thought about this and I’ve got no real cliffhanger. Should I just add some scenes from episode 2 into it?
Do you have a specific place in mind? If not that’s ok too.
Yeah, I had no idea how to do this, thank you!
Do you have any suggestion on how to portray that? I know what I want them to be like. I just don’t know how to show that…?
Thank you so much! I didn’t really see these mistakes when I was reviewing it, so thank god you did! I will definitely use these edits and advise andhopefully you’re willing to look over it once I finish, again.
I got your message, and I will get to it first thing in the morning, as it is night here
I loved Xena Pierce! I need to read your update
Oh em! Thank you so much . I recently released episode 4 . Hope you like it.
And you didn’t tell me!!! ><
Gonna read it right now.
It means, that before each dialogue line you write, you must place animation. Two examples below.
In this case his mouth will keep on moving only for the first line, well mostly. So what would be better.
I have to see you code. Better write me in DM
Like we say in Russian, there’s too much water in your intro.
Like overall phrases, that might be, but the most introduction part consisted of these overall not very specific phrases. It’s okay to put such introduction, but it shouldn’t be that long in this case, cuz it gets boring.
If you can’t think of cliffhanger, than probably your story lacks drama. Think about it.
I don’t. You just have to take a look art your scenes again, and think, if the zoom will make this dialogue line better, or not. Just feelings… Movies are good to get this idea… They constantly zooming in and out between characters.
I always suggest writers make a questionnaire for every important character (I do them myself). These can be found on the writer’s guide websites and while writing them, you don’t only create backstory for them and personality, but you imagine them clearly in your head, almost like a real person, so after it will be easier to write their lines, because you will know how they should react to certain conversations and events. I do these things for my own story and find it extremely helpful. There. Again you can write me in DM, and I will send you the links.
@viviwhite - CYBER
“Gamer with no life” so me, like 7 years ago lol.
Nice intro with overlays. Sets the mood.
Never saw parents being so happy about their kid playing video games
I thought it’s only with the intro, but your transitions are toooooo long. It’s okay to put them like this for the intro, but every time - it kinda annoys. At least me. 2-3 seconds is enough for transition.
Oh. Year 2050. Unexpected.
50 million players? Not much. LoL has like over 60 million per month. *geek mode turned on
Your customization is messed up a bit. Like “Next page” buttons in the wrong place in the eye section. Plus you might wanna add all the others face shapes (I noticed cause my favorite square shape isn’t there)
Lol. Episode messed up with some clothes combo with Wavy Parted Hair. The helmet appears under the hair. Just an observation, has nothing to do with u.
Nice introduction to the game. You really used overlays to the fullest.
Maybe I’m a but dumb, but I was a bit struggled with Silver appearance. Like you don’t say that it’s our game character. I thought it’s like an announcer or smthg, so wasn’t bothering with her creation. Maybe add one little note on who is that? Oh right, you put the note after the customization. I really think you should put it before, for dumbases like me, because I rarely bother myself with secondary character customization.
A lot of awesome custom backgrounds and good work on background characters.
It is a small detail, but I will mention it. Part where you were explaining what you can do in the game. I noticed that in at least one scene, you were paning to zones first, and only then characters were doing some animations. You can always put these animations with a & before paning. It is a really small detail, but it will make everything smoother. Yep, in the bar scene it’s the same.
Good to see that MC is just like me not drooling over Leon.
Lol, how can you get tired in virtual reality?
I wanna slap Luna for drooling so excessively.
I’m not fond when authors use non-talking animations for dialogue lines (like eyeroll, or wink). I think I mention it in every review
You have a lot of awesome ideas how to use overlays. I’m so impressed.
I feel like the first episode was a bit short in terms of content. Like you did an introduction to MC family, and the game. And then simplifying it - one scene, with the bar and announcement. I kinda feel a lack of dialogues.
Shoot, with the first scene I was a bit puzzled, cuz I really forgot that MC has a real life I really thought plot will be happening in the game only.
Ohhhh. It was a dream. I was just going to ask, why is she so feisty, although she said before that she’s kinda shy.
I’m glad that these long transitions stopped, although I would still suggest to shorten then in the first episode.
In the car scene. I donnow why, but I see overlays being shifted for a less than a second before showing the character, but still, I see it. I’ll try to guess and say that you put a looped background, with 2 overlays shifting continuously to the same zone or something. I suggest, as an option to avoid it, maybe make one overlay with 2 seats that sorta covers 2 zones, like 1 seat for one zone. Then you can just put MC in zone 1 and her dad in zone 2 and just switch between zones without shifting overlays. I hope it makes sense.
But really the question. MC is like 18-19? What is she doing in life besides playing games? Does she have any job or smthg?
“Supernova” overlay could be turned a bit, to match background.
Really, I advise hard to check animations for dialogue lines. I donnow if others put so much thought into it, but I’m getting really distracted and annoyed when character says something with its mouth closed.
There are some animations, after which character get’s kinda stuck, with a weird face, or risen hands, like after the laugh giggle animation. To avoid it, you can always put @CHARACTER starts idle_shiftweight animation or something.
When MC is at Supernova. Her dad walks out, and you pan to zone 3 (or 2?), and Adrien stands there. You took your time to zoom out, while he just stands there. You can always use &zoom on… instead of @zoom on… I don’t think you’ve got a hold on this type of command, but it is really handy, for creating dynamic scenes.
It’s cool that you put Adrien’s friend dialogue lines in cursive. It makes it so much easier to read.
Um. Adrien kinda “slides in” to the reception. Check the code. His speaking animation+dialogue lines, might be put too soon after his walking command.
I’m not sure you can use Twitch trademark like this. I think it’s a bit off with Episode guidelines. Maybe try to change it for Epitch or smthg lol.
Oooh, spooky bad guy.
Second episode was even shorter in content. Consider them making a bit longer maybe?
I can’t finish 3rd episode now, but I will.
I think your story is great, and there was obviously a lot of work done. Directing is very good, although I would suggest to consider points I made in regards of it. Overall plot concept is unique, and although I wasn’t reading sci-fi stories much, I don’t think I saw anything like this. I feel a lack of dialogues… Like there’s a lot of pretty expositions, and pace is fine, and everything is explained and I don’t get confused about the plot, but still. I feel a lack of dialogues.
I hope the review helped you, and I will continue to read the story.
Thanks for the review! (I’ve been waiting for this lol)
- The transitions are long because I want to set a mood. I don’t wanna rush because a. It was a sad scene, b. It was a time skip.
- Lol i know 50 million players isn’t as many as LOL’s, I did my research The reason for that is because it’s a VR game, and VR games are expensive.
- I’ll definitely add the missing face choices!
- Yea, the helmet thing. Ugh.
- The panning & animations thing: Yes I was aware of that lol. But you know when it finally pans to the scene and the animations already ended? Yea I was afraid of that.
- The car scene: Yup you are so right haha, I switched the car overlay back and forth Thanks for the suggestion, will try doing that.
- I was aware of the Adrien ‘slide in’ problem too. The reason why is because he is supposed to still be walking towards the reception WHILE the MC was like “Wha…What?!”, when you click too fast, this happens.
- I wasn’t really using the Twitch trademark, I actually made the logo myself. They have the same name but they don’t work the same way. Ehh, fingers crossed.
- As for the chapters length… I personally think it’s fine and I haven’t gotten any complains about this to each their own, I guess.
I really appreciate it, I hope you will like chapter 3
Hehe good to know
This actually makes a lot of sense, point taken off.
I understand your concern. But you can use looped animation to avoid it
If you need any help, feel free to DM me. But I think you will figure it out, as your directing is superb.
Oh. I see. I understand the struggle myself. What I do in these cases is to make the pause a bit longer after the dialogue line (while which he is supposed to be walking), and just in the end of his walking command add THEN CHARACTER starts idle_shiftweight or idle_wkward_loop if he’s nervous
Oh! Well, then I hope you’ll get away with this
Fair enough. I’m a sucker for longer chapters, but you’re right, it is a personal preference. Anyway it doesn’t turn me off from reading your story
Sorry everyone for waiting. I had to take a break for the weekend.
@Eva_Diva1 - Livign Among The Dead
- I liked intro with the title. It is really creepy and I liked the way it was made, like edgy and abrupt overlay placing.
- God damn it, I put my earphones, okay
- You did a good job on background and adjusting your characters spotting for them. Often I see how characters walk on the walls and these sort of things, but you did it really well.
- I bet Ryan is lying about medication
- I also liked, that you don’t make characters disappear when they should walk through the door. I see writers doing it very often, and it kinda turns me off.
- I just noticed that you didn’t do a backstory right at the beginning at least. And I like this approach, I use it myself too. Makes your brain work and increases interest to everything that is happening.
- “Ladies first”, outdated rule while zombie apocalypse. Bad Ryan.
- Runners… I feel analogy with walkers from the Walking dead
- So they aren’t dating? yet…?
- When Ryan drinks his pills… I though INK already has these plastic cup props. no?
- Thank you! Backstory that is showed, instead of narrated.
- When MC is driving the car in the flashback, car moved faster than the MC. Actually you could’ve just placed them at the center screen right from the beginning, instead of moving them there, since the background is looped.
- You made that scene in the hospital really intense. Although if I didn’t know that in 2 years she is still alive, I would’ve been more scared
- Defaq, dude wanted me out of my own car
- The thing with some episode cars, is that they are cut. So when you shift them from the start till the end, we kinda see this. Maybe get some car overlays of your own? But this is a small thing, I thing you did great with this scene, it really showed this chaos.
- Oh, you actually changed that car overlay, I noticed that it looks kinda damaged.
- When MC is getting into the car at the end of 1st episode, it looks like she’s kinda walking on the car, and she’s too small for the overlay. U might wanna check it.
- Ryan is so prepared… I think only paranoiacs would be ready for something like this
- I’m kinda interested now. What’s the deal with zombies? Don’t they feel fresh human smell? Will it be revealed in upcoming chapters?
Yep, I didn’t write much for the 2nd chapter, guess was too invested in reading
I liked the story. At first I thought that maybe it lacks of action, but at the end of the 2nd episode I think that you did a good job at pacing the story. Like these calm, normal moments mixed with crazy zombie moments, give this contrast, to enjoy both of these types of moments.
There are some minor glitches here and there, but they aren’t really important, because of the whole impression.
Thank you for the review, much appreciated! I’ve also noticed those glitches and overlay use errors, but I’m such a queen at procrastinating to fix or change them xD Will most probably do them soon now that you mention them.
@annabelb - Agent 24
- I think in the first narration line u meant “I don’t mean to offend anyone with this story”. Cuz how it is now, means that u mean to offend someone
- Nonono. Author introductions in the beginning of the story. And it was completely unnecessary by the way. You could’ve just narrated it at the customization part.
- I donnow when u published your story, maybe it was really long time ago, but I would advice you to update customization template. It is very outdated.
- It’s “the middle of nowhere” not “no where”
- The very first scene like is very weird. I have a lot of questions. Like why Nurse walks backwards? Why didn’t you give her name? Her name now is Person1. I think any name will do, even a simple “nurse”. Guy with orange hair kinda slides into scene, without walking. And I think that you tried to show that these people are crazy by creating them looking weird. The fact that they are crazy, or have some mental problem doesn’t mean they look like they came out of circus.
- Person7, person1, person4… It is really a turn off, and a bit lazy approach to be honest.
- The way MC gets on the table is kinda weird. You could’ve used jump animation btw.
- When she’s on the table I don’t really understand who she’s talking to. Like I thought that to the other patients, then u used forward animation and I thought you’re breaking the 4th wall… A bit confusing.
- Um. When she hits a patient. You can totally use fall animation for nurse.
- In the basement, when guard is running towards Bree, he stops at one spot, but his animation is still running. You could use @GUARD starts some_idle_animation
- Mobile. Then she speaks about the gun. It’s asylum. I don’t think she should have these things…
- After she hits guard “thank yyou”. Extra y
- I’m not sure at this point how you meant to make your story. Thriller? Action? The amount of unrealistic details kinda makes me think that this is some sort of comedy.
- Jumping from 5 floor building on ur feet?
- When u show that guy case (car scene) There’s not much time to read. You can add some kind of choice, like “have you read?”
- Don’t use forward animation, if your story isn’t built the way, when MC constantly interacts with reader. Otherwise it’s just confusing and distracting.
- Characters appear after pan to zone, in the techno lab or smthg. You should place them first, and then pan to zone.
- When u use “walks to screen center/left/right in zone” command, character layering doesn’t work. Put her in spot (if you used character layer commands of course)
- I don’t think u spend much time customizing background characters (the one’s in the techno hideout.) They look too much like Episode default characters.
- To be honest I don’t feel this sequence of events makes sence. She got out of psycho in a very absurd way, then she drives somewhere, and I don’t understand where, or what’s she doing. She’s some sort of assassin agent I guess, but I think you could’ve explained this.
- Length was okay I guess.
- I suggest u to find proof reader, to check your grammar and style. There were some sentences that were built incorrectly (maybe there are more, but English is not my native).
- Okay. U talk all about what Liam did, who he killed. But it doesn’t make sense to reader, because reader doesn’t know who is Victoria, who’s her husband etc. If I don’t know who they are talking about, I won’t probably care about this part of dialogue.
- Check animation, after which character is kinda stuck with a weird face. It’s a curse of many writers. There is this great command @CHARACTER starts some_animation that prevents it.
As I said in the thread post, I do honest reviews here. What I said and will say doesn’t mean I want to offend you somehow. You have a potential to write an interesting story. I love psychos. But I don’t think you have a clear understanding what psychos are like. There are so many interesting sociopath characters in movies and tv series - Hannibal Lecter in Hannibal series, Killgrave in Jessica Jones (excellent sociopath villain), Joker, Loki in Avengers. All of them are villains - but they are very likeable. Because they have some sort of motives, even if these motives are crazy, they have them, and they have this charming side. This is what MC lacks. And it’s hard to read when you don’t like MC. She just goes around talking trash, laughing and telling how she loves killing. I think you should watch some examples of how the psycho villain might look like, and then rework your concept. That’s a first thing.
Secondly, event sequence is very unrealistic, and feels more like an absurd comedy, but for comedy it lacks well… comedy? It could’ve been done like Police Academy movie, where action movie is covered in absurd comedy wrap. And this concept is great, and it would totally work with 4th wall breaking, like in Deadpool. But now it’s something in the middle, and it’s just doesn’t work.
Also, work on transitions, narrations, add readerMessage. Because now it is just a sequence of background with some dialogues, and you don’t really understand what’s happening, where’s she going, where’s she now. Everything is kinda random.
I donnow if you included MC backstory, as I’ve read only 2 episodes, but it’s a must to explain why is she crazy.
And last - directing and grammar. Must be reworked. There are a lot of directing glitches, some of them were mentioned, and a lot of grammar ones.
My advise is to rework the story, starting from character concept, plot polishing, and finishing with advanced directing guides and proof reading. But of course it is up to u. Please don’t be upset with this review, it was written with best intentions.
thank you I will work on everything you said, I greatly appreciate
@puma - Untitled
To begin, I will say that everything below is just my subjective view on how the story would be better. It doesn’t mean I am right or that u have to agree with it
- First things first. Episode started kinda abruptly. Meaning there is not some kind of intro. Some put splashes, some put cover, some make intro like in movies (the best approach in my humble opinion). To prepare reader a bit for the story. If you want to put intro/cover/splashes after the introduction scene (which is okay too, and maybe u did, but I’m at first scene now) then simple transition will do great.
- Yep. U have intro. Quote nice by the way. Visual materials are done with a nice quality. This is something I highly appreciate…
- You built nice expositions, with nicely done background characters.
- I like Suzanne. And her look totally fits her personality. She’s like angry Ellen DeGeneres
- I’m a bit confused now. Story started with Robin, and I thought she’s the MC. But now it’s vibe. about Michelle, and she mentioned in description as well…
- Ohhh. I get it now.
- I like the fact that u didn’t do explicit character’s life narrations, but instead just give little pieces of information. It makes reading far more interesting.
- I like your readerMessages. Text affects are a must to use with them, just because when you don’t - they are kinda bland, and I personally often miss them. Yours are very visible.
- I suppose it is an LGBT story? I’m not sure at this point, as it is kinda early in the story, but if it is - I strongly suggest u to put some kind of badge on the cover, or mention it in the description. It’s not cuz I’m homophobic or smthg, it’s just cause some straight people don’t like it, just as much as some LGBT folks don’t like reading straight romances. Sorry, if I’m mistaken tho.
- When Suz is greeting Noah, you put probably talk_handsopen_happy_loop animation, and as she finishes her dialogue line, animation continues. Maybe out @SU starts some_idle_animation.
- “Blazer and suit are different”?
- Oh, Suzanne and her lack of political correctness… luv
- Noah looks a bit young for Su. Is it meant to be?
- Good job on choices that actually matter.
- “Do you guys know each other or what?” Noooo, they don’t
- Ok, so we can choose LI in the end I suppose. My point earlier taken off.
- I kinda like the fact that there are no really MC. There is a bunch of people we get to know from different sides.
- Now actual. Whatdafcuk? This cigarette looks like a damn prop. Is it overlay? I even went to check prop list just to make sure there is not cigarette. How did u do that? O_o U MUST TELL ME. I look like very closely and I’m pretty sure u can’t make an overlay look this smooth. Tell me your secret sensei!
- Oh. I was credited lol What did I do?
- Scene with her mom, the first one. She you use transition. It kinda goes 2 times. Check it.
- Nice work on Epygram posts. Liked by puma. I see what u did there
- Stalker much.
So, overall thoughts. This is definitely a nicely done story. I can see a hell lot of an effort, with dialogues, directing and basically everything. And I would definitely read it after it’s published. There are not much stories, that are done “professionally”, but yours is one of them for sure.
I have two things, that could’ve make the story more appealing for me, but these are thoughts based on my taste, personality and other shit, so don’t take it seriously.
- I felt that there were a bit too much of dialogues and narration. And to be honest I can’t even tell what could be removed, because everything they say and think make sense. Just a bit too much.
- I’m not sure about Michelle’s motivation to find Noah/Robin. A bit far-fetched maybe? Maybe it will make more sense in upcoming chapters.
There were some choices, that are actually impactful, and this is another thing I highly appreciate. However, I think you could include some choices, that maybe don’t change a lot, but just for reader engagement.
But these are really insignificant things comparing to the overall impression.
Great job, honestly I even predict it to be featured one day.
I know I said that I will drop some suggestions on title, but it is very hard to do now. I guess I will read few more episodes before suggesting.
Title suggestions totally checked my playlists for some titles that I felt gives that struggling with ur life vibe
Me Vs. The World
Keep on Swinging
Where We Belong
Hey! Thanks for the review, I really loved seeing your opinion on things Maybe you noticed, but second episode is far from finished, I’m glad that you reviewed what I had there for now though.
With the narration, did you feel like I overdid it to a point where it became tiring to read everything?
Michelle’s motive to find Robin/Noah is because she needs help convincing Suzanne to give her job back. Later on it’s revealed that Michelle is a high school drop out and without a degree she just highly doubts that anyone will hire her except for Suzanne. Would this be realistic/make sense?
For the choices thing, I totally agree but I’m so bad at finding good places to add choices. I know there is few choices atm but I don’t know where else to put them you know? If you have any examples on where I could add some minor choices that would be great
Finally, you said you would continue reading this when it’s released - does this mean that first episode alone left you wanting more or did it take some motivation from you having to write this review or something that made you keep wanting to read more? I guess what I’m asking; is the first episode stimulating/have enough content to make readers interested?
Not overdid. I donnow I just felt it could be a really little bit shorter in some places. But on the other hand it helps to show characters better. It’s hard to tell. Just keep the thought, that u don’t have to show all the depth of your characters right away, split it by bits and pieces It’s not like your story is 5 episodes long.
Well, if you explain like this - then totally! Makes sense. I understood why she wanted to find him, but her motive wasn’t strong enough. But with this whole drop-out thing - absolutely.
Hard to say. U could just try to read ur story a couple of times and think all the time - where could I put one more choice, u know, where u have like 2 options and the difference is just in one sentence. Your character isn’t one sided, they can be in different moods and they can respond differently.
Yes! Cuz it’s nicely done, with diverse and interesting characters.
Thank you again! Hehe I guess my problems with choices is that I really want my characters to be the way I anticipated them to be. Especially since the reader isn’t playing as their own characters, it’s sorta odd to see a character that I “know” have options to react in a way that I don’t see them behaving like. Oh well, I guess I gotta learn how to let go And with minor choices I guess they don’t have to say that much about a character. If I let the reader choose which sandwhich they want to eat it doesn’t define the character But then again, do readers even care for choices like that?
I don’t I guess u have a point. Either way it’s just really a really small thing. So do ur magic like u feel like And good luck with ur story. Don’t forget to post it here when it’s done