Day's Review Clinic - Post Your Stories Here! [CLOSED - READ POST FOR MORE INFO]

[cathyywrites]

Story: Love Is A Game
Author: Cath P.
Story desc.: Who ever thought a game can lead to love?
Episodes: 3 (ongoing)
Story Link
:http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5347786738761728

[r.j.14]

Hey @Days ! Thanks for creating this thread! I would like a review of my story!!!

Story title : Sandy and her Quadruplets
Author : R.J.
Episode Count : 11 (ongoing)
Genre : Comedy
Description : How can she survive with noisy and disobedient quadruplets? Will she finally find the father of her sons ? Here’s the crazy life of Sandy and her quadruplets!
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5337323130716160

[Nierido]

Hey, @Days ! I`d love a review on my story.

Story : Let the demon inside
Gender: Supernatural romance
Description: You have to move back to Dimwood because of you brother. What will you find there? Love, death or supernatural freinds?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4876381520789504

[Days]

Hi I remember you reviewed my story! I’d love to return the favour.

Also everybody who has requested reviews I will try my best to get them done throughout the weekend and this week. I am becoming a bit busier than before haha

[Nierido]

Crossed Paths? I remember your story

[Days]

Yep haha

[WolfGamerGirl37]

Hi, I would love a review as well. My story is not published yet.
Title: Daughter of the Blue Dragon
Author: Wolfgamergirl37
Episodes: 4(on going)
Genre: Drama/Romance
Description: Lena, the daughter of a yakuza boss, is arranged to marry the son of a rival yakuza gang. She does not want to marry him since she is already in an relationship. Tragedy happens which causes Lena to run to America. Where she runs into an old flame. Will she go back home or Will she fall back in love again?
link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5158041349652480

[Days]

Ah wow, this sounds awesome - the yakuza is a very interesting topic to write about in a story!

[Days]

CONTINUATION of @daniepisodewriter’s review!

Episode Two:

• Loved the training scene - it was really cool to read! Brilliant directing and dialogue!
• Great use of zooms throughout the story and love how informative this story is about vampirism!
• Love the use of sound and overlays as well - the pace of the story is good as well, it does not feel like it is going too slow or too quickly!
• The way that the vampires in this story are super speedy is really well done - you blink then they have gone somewhere else
• Like the way that Alice’s sister is written mysteriously - I want to see him!
• Love how sarcastic Violet is!
• Also, I found it interesting that you’ve had more of a modern take to the world of vampires and that they can interact with human beings properly!
• Woah, what an ending! Brilliant way to end the chapter! Gotta know who all those men were!

Episode Three:

• YASSS! Violet’s combat skills are on point!
• Also, the plot has really sucked me in - it’s quite intriguing and I want to keep on reading. (Cannot wait for the masked ball!!)
• I like the exploration of immortality and how losing mortal loved ones are dealt with - I suppose it’s often a factor in why people may not be fans of immortality.
• The backgrounds are very nice - the effort of writing for them to be approved pays off for sure!
• Ah crap! is that Elijah and he has dark eyes!? Damn girl, you be hitting us with all these endings that make us want to keep on reading!

General Comments:

You could say I am a big fan(g) of the story Awesome directing, clever concepts and brilliant storytelling. Glad I took a bite out of this story (like y’all know how desperate I am to add in these bad puns )

[Days]

Review for @Sweet_Stories

“In Too Deep”

Episode One:

• Loved the tidbit of narration from the MC at the start!
• Great use of zooms and like how much the choices impact will the outcome of the story!
• Little point, but on the readerMessage regarding the choices it is the word “affect” not “effect”.
• Love how diverse the main characters are!
• I love the friendship and bond that Rosalie & Malak share. It’s written nicely!
• Very nicely directed and written well.
• Ah I love how the previous choice affected the way Malak felt later on - it’s a great way to show how much the readers’ choice matters.
• Hm, Jaxon is pretty mysterious - as Rosalie put it there’s something about off about him.
• Also, love that we have the option to customise the characters.

Episode Two:

• The splashes are really nice!
• Love the idea that Rosalie narrates the story and you see her retelling what happened.
• The narration is well-written!
• Cannot put my finger but there’s something about Jaxon and that group of people that didn’s seem right (great writing there!)
• Also, it’s a nice detail for their hair colour to match their eye colour.
• Woah, the overlays are really cool.
• Great directing so far!

Episode Three:

• Whoop! Whoop! Greek mythology!
• Forgot to mention, I lovr the use of the text effects!
• Brilliant directing and very well-written!
• Also what a way to end the chapter!
• I was really into it and found the modern twist to the demi-Gods really cool.

General Comments:

I like how Rosie is retelling her story and narrating what has happened in the past as well as very cool overlays and fantastic directing. Brilliant job

[WolfGamerGirl37]

Thank you, I have always been interested in the yakuza stories and Japan.

[Days]

Ah wow, this is so awesome!

[Days]

Review for @Mia13La

“Last Dance”

Episode One:

• Haha, I love the splashes at the beginning!
• CC is a major plus point for some readers!
• I spotted a few minor grammatical errors like when CC uses the word “Well” it should be “Well…” instead - I know how easy it is to overlook these (haha, I’m pretty guilty of it myself tbh )
• With the directing it is generally good but I spotted a few issues like characters popping in and Chloe walking when on the phone. Maybe what you can do is:
  “@CHLOE enters from right to screen left AND CHLOE does it while walk_talk_phone (not sure if that is the action’s name)
  &@couplemakingout spot [insert numbers here] in zone 2
  Chloe’s reaction then @pan to zone 2” - hope that helps! Amberose was kind enough to help out with that trick and hopefully I got it right, haha!
• Great use of zooms and I recommend splitting some pieces of dialogue like when Chloe says “what’s done is done” into another speech bubble and Chloe shrugs or is talk_exhausted.
• So far, I really like the custom backgrounds you’ve used and the overall premise of the story is pretty interesting too!

Episode Two:

• The narration was really nice, I love the way you’ve written Chloe and like we are in her thoughts!
• Great use of music in the story and the ending of the episode was really sweet.
• To help the story/dialogue flow a bit better, when Chloe catches Jay in the club then she can be startled_surprised perhaps then she can speak.
• Also, there was the issue of the characters popping up. To help prevent that you can use & rather than @ (hopefully this helps! I still find difficulty with the characters popping up in my own stories so if there are any well-seasoned directors who can help, that would be great! I’m still pretty new to it myself!)
• However, the overall premise of the story is quite intriguing!

Episode Three:

• Love the flirtatious exchange Chloe and Logan have as well as the way it is a face to face exchange!
• Great use of sound again and loved the backgrounds.
• Liked the use of filters as well to show that it was nighttime!
• Directing is generally okay, I spotted a few issues like when Chloe goes up to talk to her best friend after making out with the guy you can zoom in a bit so we cannot see bits of their feet.
• Spelling and grammar is pretty good as well (helps with the story experience) but maybe split up the dialogue into more digestible chunks may help too.
• This is a brilliant first story - it’s a great attempt as directing is such a pain in the butt to do so you’ve done such a good job so far, just a few blips but they’re easily fixable!

General Comments:

Interesting plot, good attempt at directing and nice use of sound as well as custom backgrounds. You’ve done a lovely job with the narration as well and there were parts I’d found pretty humorous too! (Sorry for filling this in with so many “you should do this and that”)

[Mia13La]

Thank you so much for this review, you can’t realize how happy I was reading it, I wish you could read the next chapters because in the making of each chapter I learned something new and added up stuff.
However thank you again that’s really sweet of you and don’t worry about your corrections I find them really helpful

[Days]

I get what you mean, the further on I was writing - the more I learned! Also, you’re very welcome! It was a lovely read

[Mia13La]

Hopefully, you’ll have sometime to continue reading it I really wanna impress you lol.
By the way give me the link to your latest story, with such constructive comments you sure seem to be an amazing author

[Days]

Review for @Rosalind

“Bite Me!”

Episode One:

• It’s a very interesting premise to cover a story of vampirism in Medieval times!
• Re-reading your story can help you spot a few issues with the story - I spotted for some pieces of dialogue some characters do not have speaking animations (spotted this throughout the three episodes).

I recommend that after each piece of dialogue you add in an animation, e.g.:
CHARACTER1 (talk_shrug)
Sorry.
CHARACTER1 (talk_neutral)
I suppose I ate the chocolate by accident.
CHARATCER1 (talk_neutral_deny)
You know I cannot control myself!

Sorry for the dumb example but I hope it helps haha

• Great use of choices which are meaningful to the outcome of the story!
• The dialogue is well written and haha, darn it Prescott (opening the door like that lol).
• Love the suspense and mystery as well as fantasy within the story. Hmm, I wonder what a Nesbat is…?
• Great way to end the chapter.

Episode Two:

• Clever touch to have some super speedy vampires/creatures as well!
• I recommend that when Everett talks to Elizabeth before the flashback that it is "@EVERETT faces left"
• The flashback was generally well-directed and clever use of a filter as well
• Very suspenseful and an intriguing plot (you could even say I felt sucked in! )
• So far, I am finding the overall story pretty interesting as you don’t catch many stories set in the past - very unique and love the way the fantasy element of this story is written.
• Again, a nice way to end the episode!

Episode Three:

• Ah, that’s interesting! Love how there are two perspectives of Atticus’ story (we are getting told parts of the story that Everett has seemed to omitted).
• Hmm, for some reason when Atticus is pacing back and forth during the flashback (after his wife was kidnapped) - to prevent that you may just want to keep Atticus just pacing normally back and forth.
• I liked the prep Maria gave - a great way to develop an insight into mythological creatures as well as seeing if the reader has paid attention.
• I love the dialogue, it is really engaging and super interesting plot as well.

General Comments:

A unique and intriguing plot, found it brilliant that you set the story in Medieval times as well.

[Days]

Lol my story isn’t too good unfortunately but I have learnt some directing tips from authors who were kind enough to tell me them

I had great fun reading it and I hope I’ll be able to continue the story soon

Also, I’ll put a link on my original post for anybody interesting in checking out my story

[Days]

ANNOUNCEMENT

Guys I am super sorry for this but I am going to be taking a bit of a break from reviews (from today to Thursday). Making these reviews are pretty time-consuming and I have started to become a bit busier as well as wanting to catch up with close friends of mine so my sincere apologies if I have not gotten to your story yet!

So so sorry if I have not gotten to you yet, I just need some time to breathe from making reviews as it takes a lot of work

[Sweet_Stories]

Oh my gosh I’m so so so happy you enjoyed my story so much​:heart_eyes: I’m going to go back and update previous episodes so I will take a look at those things​:heart: THANK YOU!!