Depression? How do you deal with it?


#1

Hey… yeah i’m pretty desperate due to the fact that THE episode forums is the only place I can hopefully seek help lmao!! I know it’s sad. But I really don’t have anyone to talk to or discuss how I’m feeling with.

My question is do you deal with depression? If you do, how, exactly?

I feel like I have depression, it’s not severe but I know it’s there. It makes me feel so fcknn worthless and just sad. I can’t even explain it. It seriously just makes me feel like absolute SHT. I can feel it.
Why do I feel this way? Because I am so extremely insecure. I’m insecure about my appearance, family life, my house, how much money my family has, ect. But the one that gets to me the MOST is my appearance. I am so unhappy with myself. I seriously think I’m so fckn ugly. I seriously hate myself so much. I never used to feel this way. When I was younger, (I’m 14) I actually thought I was pretty and I had so much confidence. It felt so much better than how I feel now. But ever since I was like 13, my older sister always just put me down so badly I seriously blame her for ruining my life. Like that’s how I feel. I feel like my life is ruined. Because of her. You might think it’s a sister thing, but I thought that too. But she just called me ugly and ugly everyday and pointed out my flaws EVERY DAY. I don’t even know why I just typed that in past tense because she still does these things to me til this day. And when I say she does this everyday, I’m not exaggerating. This happens everyday. I have to hear it everyday and laugh along or act like it’s not actually affecting me because I’m good at portraying myself as the “careless, bitchy” sister. And I do this so it doesn’t look like what she says about me fcking hurts. Bad. And then my whole family picks up on it and literally calls me ugly all the time. But It’s not just a, “you’re so ugly.” It’s a whole damn book of insults.
Here are things I was told. (Moslty by my older sister, She’s 16)
“You’re so ugly.”
“You’re seriously soo ugly.”
“You’re nose is so big.” -__- (fckn hate this one)
"You’re literally the f
king ugliest person in this family."
“You’re so skinny.”
“You’re scrawny.”
“Everyone is at least decent in this family but you’re literally just so ugly.”

I hate even talking about it because when I typed those things I can deadass hear her voice just saying it. And I remember her just embarrassing me and it was me, my other sisters, my mom, and her and she was just looking at me in disgust, as if shes so above and beyond, and she said, “Jamie, you’re seriously the ugliest person in the family.” “Mom, isn’t she just so ugly? Like holy sh*t” And I just remember my mom not even defending me.

side note;*let’s just call my sister nini, (the one that always points out my flaws)

And when my mom didn’t stick up for me and be like, “She’s not ugly.” or “Don’t talk like that about your sister.” or “You’re all pretty, shut up.” Or something like that, like a nice, normal mom would, she literally just sat there and lowkey agreed. I knew she did. And it fcking hurt because If I were to ever talk like that about Nini my mom would yell at me and sht. Just goes to show how fcking much she cares, I guess, right? I hate telling that story about my mom because I know my mom loves me and it makes her look like a bad mom, but shes not. And I love my mom more than anything in the world, seriously, but it just hurt. But she always takes Nini’s side sometimes and it’s so annoying. I get called these things everyday and she doesn’t care AT ALL. I remember her friend was calling me all these horrible things over the phone and I can hear nini laughing in the background. That night seriously had me feeling like I shouldn’t be on this Earth. Seriously. You may think “god you’re so dramatic,” but this sht seriously hurts. I push everyone away because I feel like I’m too ugly or not good enough for them. That’s what I believe now. And sometimes I come to the conclusion I should just end it because dealing with my family problems, too, doesn’t help at all. But I know I could never do it. I could never do that to my mom, or my twin sister. Honestly she’s the only thing that holds me back, or the fact that I might not go to heaven. I remember I would have breakdowns like everyday at night til 3am. Not too long ago, either. I felt like this during the summer. I still do, it’s just not as bad, but it’s getting bad again. That’s why I’m coming on here. I seriously have no one to talk to. My “friends” don’t help, or don’t care enough to actually try and help. Like my friend from school, (my only friend) will listen to my vent then change the conversation to something that literally had nothing to do with what I was saying. It was obvious she didn’t care. And at the end of the day I realize I have no friends because a friend wouldn’t do that. A friend would actually care. This is the same friend that says how I’m ugly. She thinks it’s funny calling me this stuff, and trying to “roast me.” Especially when other people are around, like the popular people, she tries showing off in front of them and acting like she’s a good roaster or some sht, and just calls me these things right in front of these people like it’s nothing. And I literally told her how it hurts me one day when I was venting to her, and obviously she doesn’t fucking care because she drags it on all the time. In school I don’t have any “real” friends and I exclude myself from literally everyone and everything because I’d rather not have anyone dare to bare with my ugly ass self. I’m so ugly I hate it so much. I look at every girl and they’re so fcking pretty and it makes me cry. Seriously. I tear up because I wish I was pretty like them. I always ask, like why me? Seriously. If I was actually pretty I would have SO MUCH more confidence. Not having a lot of money and barley any clothes doesn’t help it either. -_-. I literally was only able to get one pair of pants this year for school shopping because of course my poor ass family had to go shopping at a small ass thrift shop and there was nothing good there. I started to not give a flying fck tbh about what I wore but the more people I see that are pretty and have all these nice clothes and things it makes me feel like sh*t again. I love my family and I know it’s not my moms fault with our financial issues but it seriously just sucks so bad. I hate getting dropped off at my house because It’s not as nice as others and my crush rides my bus. Also being so insecure makes me hate myself even more especially when it comes to my crush because sometimes it seems like he likes me and stuff and we always used to talk on the phone and crap, but then hes hanging with these other girls, that are way prettier than me so it’s obvious what me and him had is completely over because I literally cant compete with anyone because I hate myself. I can’t even go up to grab a paper in class because I literally feel so humilated. It sucks. And a couple days ago I just think about the old times, without all the family problems, without being bullied in my own house, by my “friends,” without feeling just so insecure and humilated to the point where I literally feel like I don’t belong here. To the point where I feel like I’m not good enough. I miss when I didn’t care and I would play all these sports and now I dropped all of those sports because I’m so insecure. I literally dropped everything and this also causes my depression. I’m never happy and honestly I feel like I never will be especially because of how fucking HIDEOUS i am omg. I seriously am getting so mad right now. Why me? I cant smile or anything without feeling so bad. I know people have it worse but I just hate my life. I can’t find the motivation to even go downstairs by my family because I know someone will end up pointing out one of my flaws out. I’ll starve all day if they are all in the kitchen because I’m so insecure. This thanksgiving, everyone ate at the table but me. Because I knew Nini would just embarrass me in front of everyone. Just like during this summer at my family reunion we were all sitting at the table with my WHOLE family and Nini just randomly says “Jamie is literally the ugliest one in this family.” “She’s just so ugly.” And no one even came to me to see if I was ok even though it was obvious I wasn’t. Probably because everyone agreed with her. And then it was embarrasing because the only one that came to me was my uncle. And he was like “Does she always do this to you?” But of course I just said “yup, but we always do that to each other, it’s nothing.” Because I’m too insecure to show how I really feel. If I show that it hurts, it makes me look weak and immature. My family would make fun of me even more. And they always wonder why I’m bitchy because I can’t stand being with them. They’re toxic and make me feel like i’m worthless. I know they don’t know that, because they think I don’t care. But I can’t even tell them I do care because like i said, it’ll make me look weak and theyll just think im being dramatic. And it hurt so bad when my uncle was like “I personally think you’re the prettiest out of all of them.” And I knew his ass was lying just to make me feel better, so it didn’t help at all. I get he’s trying to be nice but I’m not dumb, nor 10 years old. I know who and who not to trust, who or who not to believe, I’m been through so much. And i hate myself because I am so ugly compared to everyone. Everyone in my grade is “thick” and im not. everyone has boyfriends and everyone is popular especially because where I live is a small town and everyone knows each other. But I have no friends. Just my twin sister. And yeah a couple others who i don’t even consider real friends at all. And I know my problem is comparing everyone to me but I’d rather face that fact then try to hide from it and act like it’s not true. I’m just sick of this negativity in my life and no i can’t get rid of it when I live with the negativity everyday and will be for the next like 4-6 years. I have planned that I want to get a non surgical nose job when I’m old enough and I’ve planned it since like when i was 12 or 13. I know it makes me seem fake and shit but if I can get it done and not be so insecure and stuff then maybe I won’t have depression lol…
I know I’m really negative but at the end of the day its not just my appearance I hate. My parents are always fighting and sometimes never having enough money for stuff, my dad will probably be going to jail any time soon, i hate school because I suck at everything I do, the fact that xxxtentacion is dead still gets to me all the time, i feel like my mom is going to end up being diagnosed with cancer soon, Idk its all just stressful.

So yeah there’s my whole damn life story, I’m probably wasting your time and I doubt no one will read this but at least I was able to get it out somewhere because I’m done running to people who act like they care. It doesn’t do anything but make me feel even worse and it’s one of those days where I’m gonna wait til everyones asleep and stay up til 3am and look at myself in the mirror and break down and just think of how much I hate everything and myself. Just like yesterday where I did this and cried so hard and I don’t even know why it just happened randomly. I just think of things and cry. And I’ve been trying to cry for a while in the shower and stuff but I seriously felt like I had no tears left. It felt good crying though yesterday because it finally just all came out. Even though I had such an ache in my fcking worthless heart. omg.

I’m so sorry for wasting everyones time.


#2

Holy crap I didn’t realize how long this was ugg


#3

Listen, I’ve had depression for years now about literally everything you’ve stated so I’m just gonna tell you this. Honestly, I don’t even know you but I can tell you for a fact. You ARE beautiful and perfect just the way you bloody are! All those people who look down on you, even the ones that are most close to you. Don’t listen to them because they clearly don’t recognize real beauty, which is you! “Thick” is just what social media perceives as “the most beautiful”. And it is beautiful, but you know what else it. Being yourself and standing out. So what if you’re not like everyone else? You’re just being you which is amazing! But please, don’t second guess you’re beauty. Inside and out. Friends come and go but you will eventually know your real ones. But please, I just want to let you know that at this point in your life, you feel like everything is crashing down but this definitely isn’t forever and your life will progress and get better! Just keep going strong and don’t loose hope! You’re beautiful and amazing! Don’t ever second guess yourself! :heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation:


#4

Aww thank you so much, really. this made me tear up bcuz i really need something like this to hear. Thank you for being so positive and im happy you got through it. I will get thru it <3


#5

Let me try to give you some practical advice.

First, get your family together, the ones you live with each day. Tell your parents you need to talk about a serious matter. Then tell them what you told us, that it’s not funny for you and how you suffer. Everyone knows how difficult the teen years are, especially when it comes to looks or being accepted. At this age it’s hard to just go your way and let others talk. Ask your family to back you up or at least leave you be.

Second, as there is noone you can talk to and since you need some advice on how to get over your insecurities, tell your family that you want to see a psychotherapist. This will also show them that you are serious. You do not have to be ashamed to ask for help, waiting might only cause more damage. Find a theraphist you trust and feel comfy with, do not hasitate to try several and change to the one you can trust.

Third, in your daily life, find the time to appreciate the little things, do something for you. Like have some chocolate or whatever, but try to be kind to yourself at least once a day. Music also is a healer. :notes::wink:

One question, what is with your twin, is she so different from you?

Hope this helps a bit. :sunglasses:


#6

I got diagnosed with depression this year so I know what your going through. I want to tell you that you are beautiful and NOT ugly. Don’t listen to people who put you down. Hopefully everything gets better eventually and hopefully your not sad anymore soon because I hate it when people are sad. Hang in there, okay? I would hug you right now but unfortunately I cannot hug you through a computer screen.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood nerd,
DogLover990


#7

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Noone deserves to be treated by a family member like that.

The thing is, when you constantly hear someone who lives with you call you ugly on a daily basis, you’ll grow to believe it, whether it’s true or not. That’s human nature. I’m surprised you haven’t snapped and told your sister to shut the fuck up because she needs to. You need to have a talk with your family, a serious one, be assertive and tell them about how this all affects your mental wellbeing and how you see yourself as a person. If you think you need professional help, tell them that too. There’s nothing shameful about it, the only ones who need to feel ashamed are the people who put you in this state using their negative ways.

Self-love is the best love. Whenever you feel like you’re not enough, start telling yourself that you’re beautiful just the way you are and nothing, noone can change that.

I hope this helps. I wish you the best :slightly_smiling_face:


#8

Can we be friends lmfaoo


#9

Hi to you.

I don’t know if you’ll read this answer, but I’ll write it anyway. I’m 24 years old (yeah…I love episode sue me), and I’m a criminologist (not a investigator, those people work with victims or criminals to help them with their problem in the society). I’m also a social worker.

Why I’m saying this to you? Because I work everyday with girls like you. And believe me, I had those problem. Look, I don’t know you age, but when I was a teenager, I felt the same way as you. My mother always told me I was fat (when I literally am 5 ft 3 and 105 lbs) and that I should loose weight. Recently, I was diagnose with depression and anorexia. So, yeah, I understand you.

The fact that your sister is like this with you is NOT a normal sister’s relationship. I have two sisters, and yes, sometimes I want to rip their head off, but the NEVER insult me like this.

I don’t know if you feel more tired, lack of motivation, you don’t care about anything anymore, you’re always sad or you cry, you feel like the world is on your shoulder. Maybe you should go see a doctor because I can’t diagnose things, but it seems like depression to me. But it could be something else too.

Teen years are the worst because your body changes, which means that you’re quietly becoming a woman (WHICH IS F*CKING NORMAL BTW). I don’t know how you look, but the fact that your sister is telling you you are ugly surely don’t help.

My mom and dad always told me I was a drama queen because I was always feeling like shit when I was a teenager. Recently, I learn to talk with the « I » (ex: « I feel like this when this is happening ») and I had to tell this ONCE to my dad, and he never called me a drama queen again.

I want to say that 97% of women don’t like their body or a part of it. So, girl, you are not alone. Those girls in your school might look like they have a lot of confidence, but honestly, most of them don’t. Everybody hates something about their body (and believe me, I am a example LOL), but you have to learn to love yourself.

Difference is BEAUTIFUL. When people told me this at first, I though: « yeah yeah, sht the fck up», but then I realised it’s true. I HATE my thigh, but I’ve learn to live with it. I was always comparing myself with other girls in school, till I realised they are not better than me. They are not as confident as they seemed to be.

The fact that your mom doesn’t act when your sister tell you those kind of stuff is horrible, yes, but she might not know what to do in those kind of situation.

We give a LOT of attention to material, but people around us normally don’t give a sh*t about it. If the boy in your bus care about your house or the way you are getting dress, he’s honestly NOT worth it. And he talks to you in the bus, girl he probably don’t care about your house. And it’s not because he’s talking to other girls that he doesn’t see you as the most beautiful girl in the school. You are not in his head, you do some presupposition about his image of you, but you don’t know it. If he wouldn’t care about you, he wouldn’t waste his time talking with you. You are worth it.

About your friend, it really remind me of my best friend in school. She was EXACTLY like your friend. She was mean, she start rumours about me and I was never good enough for her. She even kiss my boyfriend in my back and she used me for lying to her parents and stuff like this. I realised I wasn’t a toy and I wasn’t happy with that friend, so I stopped talking to her. Today, I’m so much happy without her. My best friend (not the same than the other LOL) is listening to me and care about my feeling. A relationship needs to be both way, not one way.
I discovered after (because she texted me one year later) that she was jealous of me. I don’t know how your friend is with you, but jealousy makes us do horrible things. Or maybe she’s just toxic. If you still want to be her friend, girl so be it :slight_smile: but maybe you could tell her how you feel (talk with the first person, the « I », she will listen to you more if she don’t feel like you are attacking her by using the « you »). BTW same apply to your sister.

Talk to your mom, tell her how you feel. You are not vulnerable, saying how you feel is, on the contrary, a very mature and unique way to express yourself. Your feelings are there for a reason, don’t hide them.

I don’t know where you live, but there are certainly some ressources that could help you with confidence and the way you see your body. Also, your twin sister might help you a lot with this. Do you have somebody in your school (psychologist? social worker? counsellor? ) that could help ?

Smiling BTW will help you feel better. Did you ever saw somebody cry and smile in the same time? I know it will sound stupid, but I did it myself and it helps me SO DAMN MUCH. Here’s some tools:

  • Write 50 (AND I INSIST ON THE 50) things that you find beautiful in yourself. Be honest. Don’t tell me theres nothing, it’s impossible. It could be qualities or physical. (I have already one for you: you have a lot of patience and self control).

  • Take some post-it and wrote thing like: I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I am worth it, and stick it where you could see it everyday (if you don’t want your sister to know about it, it could be in and agenda maybe, or in your wardrobe for exemple), but you have to see it everyday.

  • Do some sport. You stopped sport, but it proven that sport help love our body because we use it to do sport. It help with self-esteem. If you don’t want to do sports team, get out and run. Personally, it’s my medicine. I run and it help love my thigh.

I hope it helps.

And just so you know: I care about you, else I wouldn’t have responded to you.

(Sorry for my english, I’m come from Quebec, which means I’m french :wink: )

And also, remember : My best friend is the one who brings the best in me.
When everything seems to go against you, remember that plane always take off against the wind.


#10

I think we all feel that we want to fit into this imaginary box that society puts us into. People who aren’t put into that box are called ugly, or different, but, here’s the thing, we’re all beautiful, but in different ways. Or we’re all ugly, in different ways. Don’t try to fit into a certain standard, you’re perfect, just the way you are.


#11

Thank you for responding :heart: . I would tell my parents these things but they’re not serious like that. They’ll think I’m somehow being over dramatic or trying to be funny. When I try to talk to her about serious things she just looks at me smiling like that “psh, get over it” like it’s not a big deal. It’s because she doesn’t think I’m serious and if I were to tell her I want to see a therapist or something she’ll say something like “just because your sister calls you ugly?” Like she doesn’t understand. It’s not that she’s a bad mom or anything she just doesn’t believe me, who acts careless when they call me these things, that i’m serious. My family is a family where all we do is make jokes about each other and stuff like everyday but not so severe like what they say about me, which is mostly my sister. But they like to point out my flaws the most more than anyone. I would’ve went to them and let them know how I feel a long time ago if I knew they were actually serious about this stuff. I feel like in order for my mom to know I’m serious about this stuff is for her to catch me crying, then she’ll realize. I know my dad is off limits because he’s barley even home. I’ll still try it out though with my mom. I love music, it is a healer 100%. I listen to xxxtentacion but of course, sadly, he got murdered so he wont be releasing anymore music. His last album was posted yesterday so I’ve been listening to it non stop. :broken_heart: Also, no my twin isn’t really any different. I mean I think she’s prettier because that’s just how I feel with everyone when it comes to me lol. I’m a little skinnier but not by much. I weigh like 103 or 106 maybe from the last time i checked and she weighs only about like 110. also we’re not identical. And I want to thank you again for caring and helping me I appreciate it.


#12

Aww thank you, really :heart::heart::heart:


#13

Did you talk with your twin about this? Maybe she feels the same?
You should try to have a serious talk with your family nevertheless. If it does not work out, at least you tried. Then you should definitely get help from a therapist to support you and have your back. It’s your life, health and future, it’s not selfish to care for yourself. :sunglasses:


#14

I knda have depressiom too half a year ago, but not really because of how I look, because no one ever noticed me. Like I don’t even exist. Also another thing that made me depressed is that the world hates me.
Then this new girl came along and we are first friends(because she hangs out with my best friend) but then now she backstab me and basically talk sht about me everywhere. And the thing is that people actually believe her and everyone just thinks I’m a mean person and hate me when I didn’t do anything. I feel unwanted. Like no one likes me apart from my best friend, who somehow still hangs out with the girl even though she knows clearly what the girl is doing to me. But I don’t have anyone to talk to because I’m kinda an anti-social person plus everyone already hates me. I tried talking to my parents but obviously they only said just ignore her, bla bla bla whatever. So I start thinking about runing away and suicide. Life at that time had been hell for me and I feel like I’ve lost hope.
I still kind of feel depressed now but it had been better over time. I got use to her calling me b
*** and stuff. I also spend time on forum to stop me from thinking I’m unworthy and that the world hates me.
Extra details: we’re only 13. It’s amazing how mean people are at a young age
I don’t have any good advice for you but just to let you know you’re not alone. Some of us also feel the same.
Hopefully life can get better for you.


#15

Thank you so much for responding , i really appreciate it. :heart:

And yes, I have told her to shut the fuck up many times and attempted to do the same shit back to her but when I do, I just feel so bad. Like I know I shouldn’t feel bad but I’m not the type of person to say that stuff and when I do I regret it. idk it’s complicated lol

Also if you read the previous reply i described how I’d rather not talk to my parents I dont really feel like typing it again haha


#16

LMao Yes.


#17

Wow. Thank you so much. Sorry for not responding earlier, I was kind of busy but, really thank you. I’ll look back on this everyday or when I’m feeling horrible. This really is helpful and thank you for the advice. It’s so good knowing I’m not alone and just knowing that I can relate to someone because none of my “friends” go through this. And yes I do feel like i’m tired and i have no motivation for anything and all that. I was actually thinking about joining basketball again this year but I found out my school livestreams the games and posts it on their website for people who want to watch it at home, and of course, my insecure ass self doesn’t want to be on no livestream lmao. There are some days where I’m not so negative and I actually was avoiding saying/believing all these things that they say about me and it felt good. But then the negativity just slowly finds its way back and I lose that self love and self confidence. I’ll be thinking of this though and all these replies are really helping. I’m gonna start by not caring about what people think anymore. Thank you for spending your time supporting me. All I can say is i’m so grateful and i appreciate it SOO MUCH. :heart:


#18

Not really, i mean me and my twin are really close but I just keep these things to myself because I feel embarrased, even to tell her how I feel. I think she knows how I feel deep inside, and I know she feels the same way too because I know she’s insecure but she’s not extremely insecure like me. We joke around about our insecurities and stuff and sometimes it makes me feel better but then she’ll point out my flaws sometimes as if its a joke but theyre not as mean as my other sister’s words and I know she doesn’t say it to hurt me, she just wants to joke around but it still kind of gets to me. I know she’s insecure about some things herself but i can tell she doesn’t want to tell me either and I get that. Also, that is true. I might try to talk to my mom tomorrow if she’s in a good mood.


#19

Well, you are twins, so maybe just ask her to join the conversation with your Mum? Given this chance, she might also want to open up.


#20

Aww no! I have those thoughts too but I’ll tell you right now not to think of suicide. I know how you feel, I’m so anti-social too I actually sit alone in all my classes besides like 2 or 3 because thats when my twin sister is in my class. I don’t exist in school either, barley. Last week I wore the same outfit for like 3 days because I couldn’t get laundry done (cuz we dont have a washer/dryer -_-) and no one noticed lmaoo. I know it’s gross but thats how non existent i am in school and honestly id rather keep it that way. The people in school might hate you bcuz of those dumb rumors, but that isn’t the whole world. Your family loves you and I think that’s all that matters. When you get older you’ll find new people and you’re gonna go thru those kinds of dumb things because that’s highschool for you, (or middleschool) I go through it too, I’m in 9th grade but I don’t really care about the drama too much because I know at the end of the day all those people in my school aren’t really worth it. We can get thru this together & thank you for responding :heart: