Hey… yeah i’m pretty desperate due to the fact that THE episode forums is the only place I can hopefully seek help lmao!! I know it’s sad. But I really don’t have anyone to talk to or discuss how I’m feeling with.
My question is do you deal with depression? If you do, how, exactly?
I feel like I have depression, it’s not severe but I know it’s there. It makes me feel so fcknn worthless and just sad. I can’t even explain it. It seriously just makes me feel like absolute SHT. I can feel it.
Why do I feel this way? Because I am so extremely insecure. I’m insecure about my appearance, family life, my house, how much money my family has, ect. But the one that gets to me the MOST is my appearance. I am so unhappy with myself. I seriously think I’m so fckn ugly. I seriously hate myself so much. I never used to feel this way. When I was younger, (I’m 14) I actually thought I was pretty and I had so much confidence. It felt so much better than how I feel now. But ever since I was like 13, my older sister always just put me down so badly I seriously blame her for ruining my life. Like that’s how I feel. I feel like my life is ruined. Because of her. You might think it’s a sister thing, but I thought that too. But she just called me ugly and ugly everyday and pointed out my flaws EVERY DAY. I don’t even know why I just typed that in past tense because she still does these things to me til this day. And when I say she does this everyday, I’m not exaggerating. This happens everyday. I have to hear it everyday and laugh along or act like it’s not actually affecting me because I’m good at portraying myself as the “careless, bitchy” sister. And I do this so it doesn’t look like what she says about me fcking hurts. Bad. And then my whole family picks up on it and literally calls me ugly all the time. But It’s not just a, “you’re so ugly.” It’s a whole damn book of insults.
Here are things I was told. (Moslty by my older sister, She’s 16)
“You’re so ugly.”
“You’re seriously soo ugly.”
“You’re nose is so big.” -__- (fckn hate this one)
"You’re literally the fking ugliest person in this family."
“You’re so skinny.”
“Everyone is at least decent in this family but you’re literally just so ugly.”
I hate even talking about it because when I typed those things I can deadass hear her voice just saying it. And I remember her just embarrassing me and it was me, my other sisters, my mom, and her and she was just looking at me in disgust, as if shes so above and beyond, and she said, “Jamie, you’re seriously the ugliest person in the family.” “Mom, isn’t she just so ugly? Like holy sh*t” And I just remember my mom not even defending me.
side note;*let’s just call my sister nini, (the one that always points out my flaws)
And when my mom didn’t stick up for me and be like, “She’s not ugly.” or “Don’t talk like that about your sister.” or “You’re all pretty, shut up.” Or something like that, like a nice, normal mom would, she literally just sat there and lowkey agreed. I knew she did. And it fcking hurt because If I were to ever talk like that about Nini my mom would yell at me and sht. Just goes to show how fcking much she cares, I guess, right? I hate telling that story about my mom because I know my mom loves me and it makes her look like a bad mom, but shes not. And I love my mom more than anything in the world, seriously, but it just hurt. But she always takes Nini’s side sometimes and it’s so annoying. I get called these things everyday and she doesn’t care AT ALL. I remember her friend was calling me all these horrible things over the phone and I can hear nini laughing in the background. That night seriously had me feeling like I shouldn’t be on this Earth. Seriously. You may think “god you’re so dramatic,” but this sht seriously hurts. I push everyone away because I feel like I’m too ugly or not good enough for them. That’s what I believe now. And sometimes I come to the conclusion I should just end it because dealing with my family problems, too, doesn’t help at all. But I know I could never do it. I could never do that to my mom, or my twin sister. Honestly she’s the only thing that holds me back, or the fact that I might not go to heaven. I remember I would have breakdowns like everyday at night til 3am. Not too long ago, either. I felt like this during the summer. I still do, it’s just not as bad, but it’s getting bad again. That’s why I’m coming on here. I seriously have no one to talk to. My “friends” don’t help, or don’t care enough to actually try and help. Like my friend from school, (my only friend) will listen to my vent then change the conversation to something that literally had nothing to do with what I was saying. It was obvious she didn’t care. And at the end of the day I realize I have no friends because a friend wouldn’t do that. A friend would actually care. This is the same friend that says how I’m ugly. She thinks it’s funny calling me this stuff, and trying to “roast me.” Especially when other people are around, like the popular people, she tries showing off in front of them and acting like she’s a good roaster or some sht, and just calls me these things right in front of these people like it’s nothing. And I literally told her how it hurts me one day when I was venting to her, and obviously she doesn’t fucking care because she drags it on all the time. In school I don’t have any “real” friends and I exclude myself from literally everyone and everything because I’d rather not have anyone dare to bare with my ugly ass self. I’m so ugly I hate it so much. I look at every girl and they’re so fcking pretty and it makes me cry. Seriously. I tear up because I wish I was pretty like them. I always ask, like why me? Seriously. If I was actually pretty I would have SO MUCH more confidence. Not having a lot of money and barley any clothes doesn’t help it either. -_-. I literally was only able to get one pair of pants this year for school shopping because of course my poor ass family had to go shopping at a small ass thrift shop and there was nothing good there. I started to not give a flying fck tbh about what I wore but the more people I see that are pretty and have all these nice clothes and things it makes me feel like sh*t again. I love my family and I know it’s not my moms fault with our financial issues but it seriously just sucks so bad. I hate getting dropped off at my house because It’s not as nice as others and my crush rides my bus. Also being so insecure makes me hate myself even more especially when it comes to my crush because sometimes it seems like he likes me and stuff and we always used to talk on the phone and crap, but then hes hanging with these other girls, that are way prettier than me so it’s obvious what me and him had is completely over because I literally cant compete with anyone because I hate myself. I can’t even go up to grab a paper in class because I literally feel so humilated. It sucks. And a couple days ago I just think about the old times, without all the family problems, without being bullied in my own house, by my “friends,” without feeling just so insecure and humilated to the point where I literally feel like I don’t belong here. To the point where I feel like I’m not good enough. I miss when I didn’t care and I would play all these sports and now I dropped all of those sports because I’m so insecure. I literally dropped everything and this also causes my depression. I’m never happy and honestly I feel like I never will be especially because of how fucking HIDEOUS i am omg. I seriously am getting so mad right now. Why me? I cant smile or anything without feeling so bad. I know people have it worse but I just hate my life. I can’t find the motivation to even go downstairs by my family because I know someone will end up pointing out one of my flaws out. I’ll starve all day if they are all in the kitchen because I’m so insecure. This thanksgiving, everyone ate at the table but me. Because I knew Nini would just embarrass me in front of everyone. Just like during this summer at my family reunion we were all sitting at the table with my WHOLE family and Nini just randomly says “Jamie is literally the ugliest one in this family.” “She’s just so ugly.” And no one even came to me to see if I was ok even though it was obvious I wasn’t. Probably because everyone agreed with her. And then it was embarrasing because the only one that came to me was my uncle. And he was like “Does she always do this to you?” But of course I just said “yup, but we always do that to each other, it’s nothing.” Because I’m too insecure to show how I really feel. If I show that it hurts, it makes me look weak and immature. My family would make fun of me even more. And they always wonder why I’m bitchy because I can’t stand being with them. They’re toxic and make me feel like i’m worthless. I know they don’t know that, because they think I don’t care. But I can’t even tell them I do care because like i said, it’ll make me look weak and theyll just think im being dramatic. And it hurt so bad when my uncle was like “I personally think you’re the prettiest out of all of them.” And I knew his ass was lying just to make me feel better, so it didn’t help at all. I get he’s trying to be nice but I’m not dumb, nor 10 years old. I know who and who not to trust, who or who not to believe, I’m been through so much. And i hate myself because I am so ugly compared to everyone. Everyone in my grade is “thick” and im not. everyone has boyfriends and everyone is popular especially because where I live is a small town and everyone knows each other. But I have no friends. Just my twin sister. And yeah a couple others who i don’t even consider real friends at all. And I know my problem is comparing everyone to me but I’d rather face that fact then try to hide from it and act like it’s not true. I’m just sick of this negativity in my life and no i can’t get rid of it when I live with the negativity everyday and will be for the next like 4-6 years. I have planned that I want to get a non surgical nose job when I’m old enough and I’ve planned it since like when i was 12 or 13. I know it makes me seem fake and shit but if I can get it done and not be so insecure and stuff then maybe I won’t have depression lol…
I know I’m really negative but at the end of the day its not just my appearance I hate. My parents are always fighting and sometimes never having enough money for stuff, my dad will probably be going to jail any time soon, i hate school because I suck at everything I do, the fact that xxxtentacion is dead still gets to me all the time, i feel like my mom is going to end up being diagnosed with cancer soon, Idk its all just stressful.
So yeah there’s my whole damn life story, I’m probably wasting your time and I doubt no one will read this but at least I was able to get it out somewhere because I’m done running to people who act like they care. It doesn’t do anything but make me feel even worse and it’s one of those days where I’m gonna wait til everyones asleep and stay up til 3am and look at myself in the mirror and break down and just think of how much I hate everything and myself. Just like yesterday where I did this and cried so hard and I don’t even know why it just happened randomly. I just think of things and cry. And I’ve been trying to cry for a while in the shower and stuff but I seriously felt like I had no tears left. It felt good crying though yesterday because it finally just all came out. Even though I had such an ache in my fcking worthless heart. omg.
I’m so sorry for wasting everyones time.