I really enjoyed the first chapters of your story.
The story idea is really good, but still needs some improvement. I really liked your cover, it fits the story well.
Here are my tips for you and some things you need to improve:
Always set the character before panning. It’s weird if you pan to the zone and the character just pops up.
Do it like this:
INT. BEACH - DAY
@cut to zone 1
@MC stands screen left in zone 2
@pan to zone 2
At the very beginning of the story, what does that sentence mean?: “Schools go to high school?”
Make sure all of your sentences make sense, so the reader doesn’t get confused!
I saw plenty of grammatical errors.
If you’re foreign, I advise you to use DeepL.com. It’s a great translating machine, ratet better than Google Translate
Also try out Grammarly. It’s free.
The readerMessage is great!
Never forget the final character after the sentence. (. ! ?)
I love the names and looks of the characters
Try other positions than screen right, left, center…
Don’t make character enter at the same time! It looks weird when they’re walking on the same spot.
Don’t use a speaking behaviour when the character’s thinking.
Use zooms! Like when you’re introducing a new character.
When a character’s changing make her/him do the behaviour “dustoff_loop”.
An extra tip: Consider letting the reader customise the main character. You’ll get more views that way and the reader will like it!
Position overlays!!! It doesn’t look good when the overlay is just somewhere on the screen!
When characters are hugging or kissing each other, make sure to layer them.
Like this: @CHAR moves to layer 1 @CHAR moves to layer 2
Make sure titles in backgrounds are written correctly. (You once wrote Chapitre instead of Chapter.)
Well, that was it with my review. I think your story has a lot of potential, it just needs improvement. I’m sure if you follow some of my tips, your story will be a little more successful.
If you’ve got any question or don’t understand a feedback, just ask away!
I hope this was helpful