Can you close this thread please? I’m only reviewing contest entries now. Thanks!!
If you’ve got the time over right now, I’d love it if you could read mine.
It isn’t published and still missing a few key componants, but I’ve put together about two as goos as conected chapters. I’ve been working on the storyline for quite some time, but I hadn’t intended to put it into script yet. Then the H & V contest came up and as it fits the theme perfectly I couldn’t decide if I should enter it or not. Probably not now, since it’s still in the making, but I’d still like for someone to read it and give me an honest opinion.
Suffering from anxiety disorder I’m very self-conscious about my work. Always doubting myself if it’s good enough, making changes and scraping things i might like one day but not the next. I could really use a second opinion.
Story titel. Sensate
Style: Ink (and planned LL)
It’s a sci-fi centered around a young woman with the ability to read other peoples thoughts.
Thanks for doing these reviews. Would love for you to check out my story. It is under the Sci-Fi / adventure / action genres with a bit of romance. Thank you!
Title: H&V: To the Edge of the Galaxy
Summary: A Cyberpunk space odyssey about an Imperial Princess turned hero-for-hire. Go on galactic missions, fall in love & find your inner hero. Sci-Fi Japanese, Roman & Egyptian lore. CC.
Episodes: 3 (on-going)
Hey! I just published mine and I’d love some feedback!
Episodes: 3 (on going)
Description: In the upbringing of war between different worlds, Kitana is trained to become a warrior for her world. Due to the reveal of truth, will her morals allow her to serve?
YES. SOMEWHERE TO PUT MY STORY TO GET MORE VIEWS. MWAAHHAAHH
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS!
Title: H & V: In Too Deep
Author: Sweet Stories
Summary: you move to Miami to start your new life, but get in a dangerous situation that causes you to be mixed up with a handsome stranger. And boy is he more than what you bargained for
Hi! I would appreciate an honest review <3 thanks!!
Author Name: Lara
Story Title: From Girly to Manly
Description: Ever since the new queen’s reign the kingdom has been divided. There is a barrier between men and women. What happens if you have to pretend to be a boy, but then start to fall for the guy you deceived? [CC]
Published: Yes, Episode 6 so far
Title: H&V: Your Silhouette
Summary: You live in Firea and you’re a part of elite Firean troops. You’re a Shade. Help your country, save your friends’ lives and find your love!
Episodes: 3 (on-going)
Genre: Action, fantasy, romance
Here is my suggestion.
Title: “Love or Desire”
Genre: Fantasy (but it can be also categorized as mystery or romance)
Episodes: 8 (of 15)
So, I’m not going to use the story rubric for your story because it’s not published and therefore not completely finished. However, I did read the first 3 episodes (first two that were finished and the third wasn’t quite ready yet).
Here are my overall notes:
Directing: this is your strongest point of the story and you should be very proud of the work you did here. It’s obvious that you put an incredible amount of time with it.
Plotting : I would really try to create an outline for your entire story so that you can have a clear understanding of where you want the story to go. I see hints of the mystery that you want to include with the stranger, however, it doesn’t have a coherent flow to it. Therefore, I don’t really feel like I understand the story that you’re trying to tell.
Narration: I think you could work on doing less of this because your directing is so strong. It really isn’t necessary. Show not tell would be applicable here
Character Development : it has some potential with the background characters but I’m not invested in the MC at all. The best friend and the delivery man have great personalities and I found myself more interested in them than the MC. I did like the power of the MC so I would suggest bigger development with that.
Pacing : I think this area would need significant work. I completely understand the desire for a buildup, but I think it’s too much of a build up. By the end of the first episode, the reader should feel connected to the story and the MC. I don’t really feel that at all which made me feel that the story had a “ dragging” effect. I would suggest doing maybe half of the narration you had in the beginning so that way the pace of the story moves faster.
Summary: you have a concept that seems interesting but just needs to be developed further.
Thanks for the privilege of reading your story and good luck with further developments!
First, I just want to thank you for reading my story. I highly appreciate it.
If you don’t mind I’d like to pick your brain a bit more, so I’ll go through your notes.
Directing: Thank you. I’m glad you liked it. Yes, I’ve put a lot of time into this part (Maybe even too much). Especially with creating the background and overlays to suit my needs.
Plot: Hopefully this will get more clear as I add features and continue into the storyline. I do have a symopsis planned out, but it’s not 100% clear in the storyline yet. As I said this stoy wasn’t supposed to get made into code quite yet. The stranger’s very important. But at the pace I’m going, it won’t get clear why until a few chapters into the story.
But he’ll be one of the 3 main characters. Maybe it becomes more clear if I tell you that he’s the chauffeur…?
Narration: I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean here. Is it too much already, or do you mean that I don’t need much of it in general?
Character development: Yeah, I can feel that too, Any suggestion how I can try to make the reader feel more connected to her? I was hoping the bus scene would give the reader a insight in what she’s living with daily. There’s suppoused to be an overlay there with lots of thoughtbubbles, but it haven’t been added yet,
Pacing: You’ve hit the nail on the head here. This is my biggest issue. I really have a hard time for how long I’m supposed to make the erpisodes. How much information’s that’s needed. At first, I had the two first episodes as one, but I’m afraid that will be to long for one chapter.
Do you mean I should skip the bus scene? Originally there’s supposed to be even more, with MC on the bus having flashbacks of when and how she got her ‘gift/curse’, but I haven’t gotten that far in the coding.
I’m afraid I’ve never been good with writing short. I want a character to develop continuesly through the story. I also have a tendency to jump around in a story, never sticking to the order. Writing one scene here, and another one over there, Where I feel I have the inspiration. Guess that’s what makes the story seem unconnected.
This is why I’ve never published anything on episode, even though I’ve been working on my stories for what feel like forever, I want/need them to be completely finished before publishing for the best result. On paper, and in code, not just in my head. But I never seem to get to that point.
Thank you once again. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
Hey! I would love it if you review my story!
Title: H & V: Deadly Love
Author Name: Afra S.
Description: Adriana is preparing for her wedding unaware of her past which isn’t as normal as she thinks. After a meeting with her parents she discovers a secret which changes her life forever.
Chapters: 3 chapters (Ongoing)
Genre: Fantasy/Romance/Mystery (You will find it in the Fantasy section)
Additional details: Includes character customization, LGBT love interests, Your choice matters.
Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5352352244957184
Plot: that’s good that you have an outline. What I would do is further divide the outline by reading the story again when you’re tired. The reason I say this is because when you’re tired, you’re less open to a story that’s moving a bit slower. Monitor your interest and if you feel you’re starting to space out, mark that place in the story. That’s your signal that the chapter has gone on too long. I think that helps with your pacing concerns also. How it helps with the plotting is that it makes you focus on what parts are essential to your story and what othe Parts you could actually delete and get rid of so you “trim the fat” so to speak of.
I would skip flashbacks until you introduce the main character for at least a scene or two. Otherwise you’re asking the reader to invest in the past of someone they don’t know yet. I think there are a few too many scenes where you don’t feel like there’s a story.
Narration: I would limit or eliminate it completely and show the character doing and thinking these things while they’re doing it.
Character development: I would actually suggest having the character learn about everything as it happens to the MC not foreshadow and narrate things in order to try to help the reader feel more connected.
I think it’s important to remember that the first chapter should really grab the reader’s attention. Otherwise they may not continue the story.
Do the challenge of writing them in order and even though it’s hard, it makes it so much clearer what should be in order and what can be eliminated.
Best of luck!!!
Check out My new story for the H & V contest.
H & V : The Bloody Diaries of Da Xia
LGBTQ, Diversity, Check it out and please share!
Check out my other stories too on my authors page/profile
Suddenly Strangers, My Secret Life, Dream Job: A Job That Drove You To Hell
Your advice has already helped a lot. I’ll take what you’ve said into consideration and see where I can go from here.
Just added my instagram to this! i’ll follow you now @Penspaperanddreams1
Do you have an Instagram?
Hi there! It is @OhHeyTherese
Thank you for reviewing! I will follow you back.
So happy I could help!
Your review has been posted on Instagram.
Title: H & V: To the Edge of the Galaxy
Genre: Sci-Fi / adventure / action genres with a bit of romance
Description: A Cyberpunk space odyssey about an Imperial Princess turned hero-for-hire. Go on galactic missions, fall in love & find your inner hero. Sci-Fi Japanese, Roman & Egyptian lore. CC.
Visuals: I really loved the details you put into designing the characters and the outfits. It really brings a sense of authenticity to the story. The directing was smooth with great backgrounds and explanations. This is my first sci-if episode so having strong world building was helpful. The pace is good, overlays and backgrounds are equally impressive.
Story: I think this story is a great introduction into the sci-if genre done well. I’m immediately engrossed in the MC, the mysterious stranger and of course Gamma! It’s interesting, otherworldly and relatable at the same time. I can’t wait to see what happens in episode 4. It’s a unique plot that I’ve never heard of before.
Language: Perfect grammar, syntax and spelling. The dialogue is realistic and interesting.
Choices: I like that’s the choices gave me options to where I’d want to replay again and the choices made sense. I especially liked the outfit choices. You have the perfect amount of choices. Not too little and not too many.
Overall Score: I really feel immersed in this story from the get go. The detailing in both the directing and the story itself are apparent. I recommend this not only for sci fi lovers but also adventure and fantasy fans as it shares those elements of a heroine on a journey as well. Highly recommend!