Feedback Needed! College Mystery!

My story is a college mystery, I want to know my audience and what they need to see for a story to be enjoyable. If you could play through mine I’d be super happy! Currently working on episode 2. I think some of you might find it interesting. The age range is mature as there is moderate language and mature themes.

Let me know what you think, really could do with some feedback.



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So this is the first spotlight story I’ve read, and it was quite entertaining. So far I’m enjoying the storyline.

You use a lot of colours for text, personally that’s not my thing and I find it a bit excessive; however, you’ve made most of it work well.

There were a few grammatical errors, that I picked up on, which I’ve stated below. Besides that, the only directing error I noticed, which isn’t really an error, is when you have another character appear on-screen. Therefore, there is a pause in the dialogue as you can’t have a different character speak if someone else is on screen.

Possible Spoilers.

Episode 1:

Narrator’s Scene
Remember your choices have consequences .

  • There’s a space between consequences and the full stop.

Especially in Classridge Hills .

  • There’s a space between Hills and the full stop.

So… what’s your name?

  • Capitalize the W for what’s.

[NAME], how…quaint.

  • There needs to be a space between how and quaint.
  • Capitalize Q for quaint.
  • If the tone is a statement, a full stop is fine. However, if it’s supposed to be a questionable/unsure tone then it should be a question mark.

I suppose you’ll be wanting to get back to whatever it is that you get up to on a Friday night.

  • This is great unless you’re not reading on a Friday.

Beach Scene 1
[NAME]…if you’re messing with me right now, you’ll regret it.

  • Space between the ellipsis and if.
  • Captialize the I for if.

Beach Scene 2
U couldn’t go to the police, of all of that got out I would be beyond ruined.

  • I couldn’t go to the police. If all of that got out, I would be beyond ruined.
  • The first full stop is interchangeable with a comma bit personally I’d use a full stop.
Episode 2:


  • Before what?

Recital Scene
I seriously can’t fathom why they’d put Cassidy Coleman of all people as the headliner.

  • Add commas around “of all people”.
  • I seriously can’t fathom why they’d put Cassidy Coleman, of all people, as the headliner.


  • Space between the ellipsis and okay.
    Captialize O for okay.

This is personal preference, rather than an error.
But overall, great job so far.

Great feedback, thanks so much. The use of colours is used to indicate vital points or important names, however, using the colours creates strange spaces between the characters which I’m not sure is fixable.

Personally, what would you like to see from this story. As you probably realise the main love interest (LI) is female, which works with the plot but is also interchangeable with a close friendship so that completely depends on the player. However I will be adding other interests, what do you suggest I do for this?

I hope I didn’t miscommunicate. Even though I personally wouldn’t use colours, I can understand why you used them and it works well with your story.

And oh that’s a shame. I haven’t used text effects yet so I’m not sure if this will make a difference.
The command would be:
Hey | red | [NAME] | reset|. How are you?
If you remove the spaces around [NAME] would there still be spaces in the dialogue. Or would it cause an error?
Hey | red |[NAME]| reset|. How are you?

Definitely some plot twists. As it’s mystery you don’t want to make the ending too obvious. You want to leave the reader guessing.

From the first two episodes, some of the main questions are:
Who is Cassidy? What happened to Cassidy?
Who threated Alex? Where is the hard drive?

I’m assuming the main plot is “What happened to Cassidy?” or something along those lines.
Alone the way, there needs to be obstacles for the MC to overcome, which can be interesting, especially if she becomes a target.

It’s a good idea to have multiple interests, however you will have to keep track of them.

If you have an episode where Alex confesses feelings for the MC,

  • If the MC reciprocates, she gains Alex and doesn’t meet the other love interests
  • If the MC rejects Alex’s advances, then her an Alex can remain friends and she can meet the others.
    This is good because it gives the reader choice over their love interest rather than being limited.

I love mysteries! would you like to do feedback for feedback? be aware that I’m like hella detailed! :grin:

Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy
Summary: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Chapters: 4 (More to come)
Style: Limelight

Create your own characters and Choices Matter!:blush:

Shortened Link:

Cassidy is the core LI but I will be providing more minor love interests too. Hoping it works out how I’m imagining it will however it does require a lot more thought.


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hey there just finished your review! please be mindful that I am very honest, and I am in NO WAY trying to be mean! this is just my opinion, and trying my best to help you get your story to be it’s best! because if I lied who would that benefit? haha! I hope you enjoy! :grin:

Episode 1
  • where did you get the first background that you used :joy::joy: that’s so nice, is that an episode background?
  • i’m more of a fan of being introduced to the characters and then being able to change how they look. this is just a preference. it kinda helps get to know the characters a bit and then customize them based on their personality. you don’t have to do this, just an idea.
  • please don’t use avatar creator. please. don’t. it dosnet have all of the updated hairs, eyes, lip colors, skin tones. honestly, it’s just bad. please don’t use it. @Dara.Amarie has a great cc template that you could use instead! wait. nvm. can you use the template in spotlight? i’m not sure…
  • lmao I don’t think she’s desperate for recruits sis.
  • okay. you’re such a good writer. can we just-
Episode 2
  • I love that the choices matter!
  • okay tess and mason cause actually go somewhere else because-
  • you’re such a good writer omg.
Overall Thoughts

Okay can I just say that you’re a really talented writer? I honestly, am not that big of a fan of spotlight stories, but I love mysteries so I was conflicted when I found out that this was in spotlight. but then you really did sister shock me. cause this is really really good. I don’t know how to critique a spotlight story because I don’t really read them and I don’t know what they require but this is so good! this just goes to show how good of a writer you are. you should totally continue this story I really do like it! I just- it really astounds me how good a writer you are. its amazing! the only thing I have to say is maybe you could make your episodes longer? i’d love it if there was more happening in one episode. especially in episode 1? like more background, especially some insight on who our character is. cause we as readers know not a lot about her, and it’d be great if we did! personally, I feel like you should combine episodes 1 and 2. but that’s just my suggestion. overall, I really liked it and can’t wait for it to come out because it’s super interesting already! and you’re SUCH A GOOD WRITER! I genuinley have nothing else or bad to say about this story. please PM me when you release this because I already need more!! :grin:

Also, if you enjoyed this review I’m sure you’ll enjoy my new story! :grin: I hope you check it out, and if you’re willing, give me feedback! I’d love to hear what you think! Or, you can just crucify me to no end on how bad it is! I wouldn’t mind! Thanks for allowing me to do this review! :kissing_heart:

My Story!

Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Thriller, Mystery, Romance, Comedy
Summary: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Chapters: 4 (More to come)
Style: Limelight

Create your own characters and Choices Matter!:blush:

Shortened Link:

I just played the first episode of Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane, so here’s my feedback:

Beginning the episode I didn’t quite get the humour as I felt it was quite repetitive but that could just be down to personal preference. I didn’t feel as if the individual characters had much personality and all kind of merged. I think if possible, you should try and give your characters stronger personalities as a way of differentiating between them. Perhaps this could just be due to the fact that this was the first episode, however, I would still consider alterations.

I suggest allowing your readers more interaction with the game. More choices, even if they seem to be quite trivial to stop the reader from losing interest. I was very confused at why everyone just decided it was a good idea to go to the house without warning anyone prior to it, to me this felt very unrealistic and a little jarring.

Sorry, this sounds very harsh!
Onto the good stuff:

Your story idea is so fun, I think even if you gave the first episode a little bit more time to establish the characters the reader would be a lot more invested in having to attend this ‘party’ with the other guests. I am excited to see where this is going and will be continuing to read and give you feedback if you would like?

Your episodes were a good length which I think I need to take into consideration whilst writing mine, however, I do think more interaction is necessary to keep the reader engaged whilst minimal action is taking place. People want to be able to communicate their own personalities through these games and I think that’s what makes them fun to play. To me, it seems like you have a lot of your own personality in it, which is great, but you need to give the readers a chance to showcase theirs too.


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aaaaaahhhhhh thank you so much for this!!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: i really appreciate it! and moving forward i will be sure to make the personalities bigger and more differentiated! and i’d love it if you continued to record the story, but that’s only if you wanted to! thank you so much for this! i genuinely do appreciate it! :grin::heart:

also, please do pm me when your story is released! it’s soooo good! :grin:

Will do, I have been reading more of your story today but will update you with another review shortly!
Happy writing!


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